Jon is atop the Wall sleeping. Probably dreaming about dead-ass Ygritte since this is Chapter 69 after all. Huh? Huh? Get it? You know what I mean!
Owen the Oaf kicks Jon awake.
Jon: Ow, hey!
Owen: What were you dreaming about?
Jon: Why do I have to answer that question? Who the hell is Owen the Oaf? Why do all these random new characters keep showing up?
Owen: *shrugs*
Jon: Anyway, I was… uh… dreaming about King Robert coming to save us. But I guess he’s dead now. So nobody will ever come and save us.
Jon is exhausted. They have been fighting for day and night… day after day… against Mance’s forces. The latest thing that Mance has been throwing against them? A giant “turtle.” It’s hard to explain, so let’s just say it’s sort of like a tank.
Jon: What’s up with this turtle/tank thing? And what happened to all those people at Mole’s Town that I sent Zei to bring back and help us with?
Owen: Oh, Zei and all the people of Mole’s Town left and never came back. The place is abandoned now.
Jon: UGH. We just introduced Zei in my last POV chapter. Why bother introducing her, only to have her vanish and never be seen again? THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS!
Jon also thinks about the news that came in about Bown Marsh’s “victory” over the Wildlings at the Shadow Tower. Sure, his forces won. But it was all just a game by Mance to send most of Castle Black’s army off and leave the main fortress undefended.
Meanwhile, the turtle/tank is being readied to crash into the gate.
Jon: Well, if they break down that gate… we are all fucked! The Wildlings will invade Westeros. So how about we rain some firey arrows down on it or something? Does that seem like a good idea?
They do that. It doesn’t work.
Jon: Okay, how about scorpion bolts? Catapult stones? Barrels filled with rocks and frozen water that we drop onto it?
They try all of those things. Finally, that frozen ice/rock thing works. The top of the turtle/tank thing is crushed and all the Wildlings that were in/under it go running away.
The men on the Wall all celebrate.
Men: HUZZAH!
Jon: Okay, well. That’s just one attack. There will be more. There are thousands and thousands of them. That’s only a minor setback.
Jon heads down to his room to go to sleep. When he wakes up, he sees four people standing over him that he doesn’t recognize.
Jon: What the f---AGHH!!!
They grab him and haul him off to the chambers that once belonged to Lord Mormont. In there, he finds a bunch of people he doesn’t know along with Maester Aemon, Alliser Thorne, and a drunk-ass Septon Cellador.
Mystery Man: So, this is the traitor and turncloak, huh? No wonder! He’s Stark’s bastard boy. Ned Stark was a traitor too, so it must run in his blood. And he’s a bastard so that’s even worse.
Jon: HEY! Nobody talks shit about my dad like that! I’ll mess you all up! Who the hell are you? Freaking Eastwatch people? Ugh. Eastwatch is the worst, everybody knows that.
Mystery Man: I am JANOS SLYNT, Lord of Harrenhal and now the Commander of Castle Black!
Jon: Says who?
Allister Thorne: Shut your mouth, turncloak!
Janos: So tell it true, bastard. You abandoned the Night’s Watch, joined Mance Rayder, and took a Wildling woman to bed with you?
Jon: No! It’s not true! Well, the woman part is true. But I was following Qhorin Halfhand’s orders. He made me do all that stuff, so that I could spy on Mance. He made get the Wildling’s trust and learn of their plans.
Janos: And he made you sleep with that girl?
Jon: Well, you know. He didn’t exactly make me do that. It was just sort of a bonus thing. He said I had to do whatever they asked of me, and while the Halfhand probably wasn’t explicitly thinking of me having sex with a ginger… I sort of interpreted his instructions broadly.
Janos: Un huh.
Jon: But as soon as I had the chance to escape them… I did! I never killed anyone for the Wildlings. I never fought against the Watch!
Janos: Oh yeah? Well I have a witness who will testify otherwise! BRING THE WITNESS IN!
They bring in the Lord O Bones, Rattleshirt.
Lord O Bones: ‘Sup Jon?
Jon: Oh shit… you?!
Lord O Bones: Yeah. So… uhm… I get a full pardon or something for testifying, right? Because I’ll tell you everything. Jon Snow MURDERED Qhorin Halfhand. I saw it with my own eyes. He and his Wolf killed him and they joined Mance. It’s true.
Everyone: *GASP*
Jon: HE MADE ME! It was the only way we could ensure that I got the trust of Mance. We were surrounded by Rattleshirt and his men. They were going to kill us both. The Halfhand knew that we would BOTH be dead and all our sacrifices would be in vain. One of us had to survive. So he acted out in front of Rattleshirt and pretended like I had already betrayed him. He made me fight him to the death and kill him so that Rattleshirt would take me alive and bring me to Mance. Then I could spy on them all. And I got all sorts of great intel about the Horn of Jaromír Jágr – a magical artifact that could bring down the Wall!
Janos: Really? REALLY? That’s a pretty convienient excuse. And pray tell… what exact great intel did you get about this as part of this secret mission that the Halfhand sent you on?
Jon: Uh. I guess I got the info that the Wildlings never found it and… I dunno… maybe it’s all a lie and doesn’t even exist.
Janos: Oh, GREAT INTEL there. Just SUPREME.
Jon: It’s true! And I escaped the Wildlings and ran back to warn everyone that the Wildlings were coming!
Janos: Yes. AFTER we already knew the Wildlings were coming.
Alliser: Lord Snow has always been a turncloak, Lord Janos. Why, he probably was part of the plotters that murdered Mormont. Benjen Stark was probably involved too.
Jon holds up his hand.
Jon: So you see this hand? This burned hand? I burned this SAVING Lord Commander Mormont. And my Uncle would never betray his vows!
Dunk-Ass Septon Cellador: *hiccup*… Vows? What do you know of vows, boy? You wouldn’t even swear your vows to the Seven!
Jon: I swore my vows to the Old Gods!
Janos: Eww. You’re a different religion than me? That’s the WORST. You’re guilty just like your father.
Jon: My father was MURDERED by some fucking pussy asshole in Kings Landing, thanks to some gold cloak pussy who sold him out.
Everyone: *gasp*
Allister: Dude, you know that gold cloak pussy was Janos, right?
Aemon: Good men, while all of you were gone… it was Jon Snow who helped defend this castle. He has been fighting against Mance and saving us all.
Janos: As a way to protect himself and try to get back into our good graces after betraying us! But I know the way of the wolves! TAKE HIM TO THE PRISON! He will be hanged soon for treason.
And so Thorne grabs Jon to lead him off to a prison cell. Jon snaps and grabs Alliser by throat and lifts him off the ground. Thorne begins to pee his pants a little when the Eastwatch men come to pull Jon away.
Allister: You see? That boy is a savage! An animal! The same as his wolf!
Jon is led off to a prison cell. Which is honestly not much different than his actual room. Castle Black is a bleak, depressing place that’s already sort of a prison.
Owen the Oaf kicks Jon awake.
Jon: Ow, hey!
Owen: What were you dreaming about?
Jon: Why do I have to answer that question? Who the hell is Owen the Oaf? Why do all these random new characters keep showing up?
Owen: *shrugs*
Jon: Anyway, I was… uh… dreaming about King Robert coming to save us. But I guess he’s dead now. So nobody will ever come and save us.
Jon is exhausted. They have been fighting for day and night… day after day… against Mance’s forces. The latest thing that Mance has been throwing against them? A giant “turtle.” It’s hard to explain, so let’s just say it’s sort of like a tank.
Jon: What’s up with this turtle/tank thing? And what happened to all those people at Mole’s Town that I sent Zei to bring back and help us with?
Owen: Oh, Zei and all the people of Mole’s Town left and never came back. The place is abandoned now.
Jon: UGH. We just introduced Zei in my last POV chapter. Why bother introducing her, only to have her vanish and never be seen again? THERE ARE TOO MANY CHARACTERS!
Jon also thinks about the news that came in about Bown Marsh’s “victory” over the Wildlings at the Shadow Tower. Sure, his forces won. But it was all just a game by Mance to send most of Castle Black’s army off and leave the main fortress undefended.
Meanwhile, the turtle/tank is being readied to crash into the gate.
Jon: Well, if they break down that gate… we are all fucked! The Wildlings will invade Westeros. So how about we rain some firey arrows down on it or something? Does that seem like a good idea?
They do that. It doesn’t work.
Jon: Okay, how about scorpion bolts? Catapult stones? Barrels filled with rocks and frozen water that we drop onto it?
They try all of those things. Finally, that frozen ice/rock thing works. The top of the turtle/tank thing is crushed and all the Wildlings that were in/under it go running away.
The men on the Wall all celebrate.
Men: HUZZAH!
Jon: Okay, well. That’s just one attack. There will be more. There are thousands and thousands of them. That’s only a minor setback.
Jon heads down to his room to go to sleep. When he wakes up, he sees four people standing over him that he doesn’t recognize.
Jon: What the f---AGHH!!!
They grab him and haul him off to the chambers that once belonged to Lord Mormont. In there, he finds a bunch of people he doesn’t know along with Maester Aemon, Alliser Thorne, and a drunk-ass Septon Cellador.
Mystery Man: So, this is the traitor and turncloak, huh? No wonder! He’s Stark’s bastard boy. Ned Stark was a traitor too, so it must run in his blood. And he’s a bastard so that’s even worse.
Jon: HEY! Nobody talks shit about my dad like that! I’ll mess you all up! Who the hell are you? Freaking Eastwatch people? Ugh. Eastwatch is the worst, everybody knows that.
Mystery Man: I am JANOS SLYNT, Lord of Harrenhal and now the Commander of Castle Black!
Jon: Says who?
Allister Thorne: Shut your mouth, turncloak!
Janos: So tell it true, bastard. You abandoned the Night’s Watch, joined Mance Rayder, and took a Wildling woman to bed with you?
Jon: No! It’s not true! Well, the woman part is true. But I was following Qhorin Halfhand’s orders. He made me do all that stuff, so that I could spy on Mance. He made get the Wildling’s trust and learn of their plans.
Janos: And he made you sleep with that girl?
Jon: Well, you know. He didn’t exactly make me do that. It was just sort of a bonus thing. He said I had to do whatever they asked of me, and while the Halfhand probably wasn’t explicitly thinking of me having sex with a ginger… I sort of interpreted his instructions broadly.
Janos: Un huh.
Jon: But as soon as I had the chance to escape them… I did! I never killed anyone for the Wildlings. I never fought against the Watch!
Janos: Oh yeah? Well I have a witness who will testify otherwise! BRING THE WITNESS IN!
They bring in the Lord O Bones, Rattleshirt.
Lord O Bones: ‘Sup Jon?
Jon: Oh shit… you?!
Lord O Bones: Yeah. So… uhm… I get a full pardon or something for testifying, right? Because I’ll tell you everything. Jon Snow MURDERED Qhorin Halfhand. I saw it with my own eyes. He and his Wolf killed him and they joined Mance. It’s true.
Everyone: *GASP*
Jon: HE MADE ME! It was the only way we could ensure that I got the trust of Mance. We were surrounded by Rattleshirt and his men. They were going to kill us both. The Halfhand knew that we would BOTH be dead and all our sacrifices would be in vain. One of us had to survive. So he acted out in front of Rattleshirt and pretended like I had already betrayed him. He made me fight him to the death and kill him so that Rattleshirt would take me alive and bring me to Mance. Then I could spy on them all. And I got all sorts of great intel about the Horn of Jaromír Jágr – a magical artifact that could bring down the Wall!
Janos: Really? REALLY? That’s a pretty convienient excuse. And pray tell… what exact great intel did you get about this as part of this secret mission that the Halfhand sent you on?
Jon: Uh. I guess I got the info that the Wildlings never found it and… I dunno… maybe it’s all a lie and doesn’t even exist.
Janos: Oh, GREAT INTEL there. Just SUPREME.
Jon: It’s true! And I escaped the Wildlings and ran back to warn everyone that the Wildlings were coming!
Janos: Yes. AFTER we already knew the Wildlings were coming.
Alliser: Lord Snow has always been a turncloak, Lord Janos. Why, he probably was part of the plotters that murdered Mormont. Benjen Stark was probably involved too.
Jon holds up his hand.
Jon: So you see this hand? This burned hand? I burned this SAVING Lord Commander Mormont. And my Uncle would never betray his vows!
Dunk-Ass Septon Cellador: *hiccup*… Vows? What do you know of vows, boy? You wouldn’t even swear your vows to the Seven!
Jon: I swore my vows to the Old Gods!
Janos: Eww. You’re a different religion than me? That’s the WORST. You’re guilty just like your father.
Jon: My father was MURDERED by some fucking pussy asshole in Kings Landing, thanks to some gold cloak pussy who sold him out.
Everyone: *gasp*
Allister: Dude, you know that gold cloak pussy was Janos, right?
Aemon: Good men, while all of you were gone… it was Jon Snow who helped defend this castle. He has been fighting against Mance and saving us all.
Janos: As a way to protect himself and try to get back into our good graces after betraying us! But I know the way of the wolves! TAKE HIM TO THE PRISON! He will be hanged soon for treason.
And so Thorne grabs Jon to lead him off to a prison cell. Jon snaps and grabs Alliser by throat and lifts him off the ground. Thorne begins to pee his pants a little when the Eastwatch men come to pull Jon away.
Allister: You see? That boy is a savage! An animal! The same as his wolf!
Jon is led off to a prison cell. Which is honestly not much different than his actual room. Castle Black is a bleak, depressing place that’s already sort of a prison.
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