Jaime, while he was away from Kings Landing, was made the new Lord Commander of the Kingsguard. Well, now that he’s back and he’s already taken care of the important things like having sex with his sister next to the dead body of their incest child, it’s time for him to move into the apartments of the Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Jaime: Well, time to put my white cloak uniform on and be a Kingsguard again!
Jaime puts it on, but it’s very ill-fitting. What with him starving and getting all skinny in his adventures.
Jaime: I guess there is also this book about all the members of the Kingsguard that the Lord Commander is supposed to update, huh? Yeah… let me take a look and read that.
Jaime looks at it, and it looks like the last person to update was Barristan Selmy. Selmy was, in fact, so dutiful that he even updated his own firing while he was fleeing out of town to avoid being murdered by Joffrey.
Jaime: *ahem*… Barristan Selmy wrote of Barristan Selmy, “Awesome dude. The best. So honorable. So many achievements. Very wow. Fired by shithead Joffrey and will now flee to Essos to work for Dany. But nobody reads this so I assume nobody will ever know that. Peace out, bitches!”
Jaime reads the rest of Barristan’s accomplishments as a knight. They are many and plentiful. Then he reads his own entry.
Jaime: “Jaime Lannister. Kingslayer. He exists.” MAN! What the hell?! It’s like… in comparison to all these other people in this book, I’ve accomplished NOTHING!
And then Jaime realizes that it looks that way because it’s true. He reads the entries for guys like Ser Arthur Dayne and he gets sad. He’s accomplished so little compared to their great deeds. They were his idols. They will be remembered forever. How will he be remembered?
Later, Jaime’s apartment hosts a meeting for the other five remaining sworn brothers of the Kingsguard – Osmund Kettleblack, Boros Blount, Meryn Trant, Loras Tyrell and Balon Swan. The sixth member, Arys Oakheart, is off at Dorne with his daughter. Jaime thinks about these guys. Balon and Loras seem like they might be okay dudes. Boros and Meryn he knows are complete assholes. Osmund… well… Osmund is a total mystery since he has barely ever met him before and he rose up the ranks to become Cersei’s yes boy while he was away.
Jaime: Well, it’s good to gather all the Kingsguard here all in one place.
Balon: Shouldn’t one of us be guarding the king though?
Jaime: Hrm. Good point. Let’s make this meeting quick. So who thinks my brother poisoned Joffrey?
Boros and Meryn raise their hands.
Jaime: Hrm. What a coincidence. The who assholes who I dislike the most.
Balon: It could have been anyone. Lots of people had access to Joffrey’s cup.
Knight of Flowers: I bet it was that bitch Sansa. I never liked her. She had just as much motive to want Joffrey head.
Jaime: Hrm. She did. Good point. But then pretty much everyone has a motive to kill Joffrey because he’s an absolute dick.
Balon: Wait… didn’t you give her a flower at that tournament for the Hand of the King and declare her as beautiful?
Knight of Flowers: Huh? What? Did I?
Jaime: Well, the past is the past. Let’s just forget it. Joffrey is dead and Tommen is King. And unlike the rest of you shitty Kingsguard who let kings die on your watch… I intend for Tommen to live a long life where he dies of old age.
Balon: What about un-treatable cancer when he's middle aged? It’s not like that would be the Kingsguard’s fault either.
Jaime: True. Natural causes is what I’m trying to say. No more poisoning. From now on, I declare that the King needs a food taster to make sure his food isn’t poisoned. BOROS… that will be your job.
Boros: WHAT?! I am a knight of the Kingsguard! I am not some peasant boy who should be food taster! This is an insult.
Jaime: Well, you know, it was sort of meant as an insult. So, in conclusion, fuck you sideways with a rusty sword.
Boros: I won’t be told what to do by some fucking CRIPPLE!
He stands up and puts his hand on his sword.
Jaime: Hahaha. You want to try me, biatch? Let’s see how well you do against my left hand.
Boros takes his hand off his sword and storms out of the room, angrily.
Jaime: Hahaha, awesome. He totally didn’t call my bluff on that one. In reality, I SUCK HARD with my left hand. I’m completely useless. OKAY… next up… Balon. Why have I never heard of you before I came back to Kings Landing? Usually people who are promoted to the Kingsguard are pretty famous knights who win tournaments or battles or at the very least serve in great houses.
Osmund: Ah, well, I started off as a common sellsword. You know. For some people. You probably haven’t heard of them.
Jaime: Ugh. You sound like a hipster. Okay, you can leave too.
Osmund is dismissed and exits.
Jaime: Next up… MERYN. I hear you like beating women and children, huh?
Meryn: What?
Jaime: You know, all that beating of that little girl Sansa you did. You fucking sick-o.
Meryn: I did what the king ordered me to do. I was simply obeying my king!
Jaime: If the king told you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Meryn: Well… erm… no.
Jaime: If the king told you to remove your lower ribs and suck yourself off in front of the whole throne room… would you?
Meryn: Gross. No. Maybe in private, but…
Jaime: --King Joffrey was a fucking child. A child not yet of age to make decisions like that. You will not blindly obey child kings in the future. Unless it’s about something mundane and stupid. If King Tommen tells you to get him a new pet cat… you will do that, okay? But if King Tommen tells you to MURDER a cat in front of him to watch it die… you come and tell me about that so I can smack the fuck out of him, okay?
Meryn: But… he’s the king!
Jaime: You will obey me, you will obey Cersei, and you will obey our father. A child can’t make decisions like that from the realm. Get it?
Meryn: *grumbles* Yes.
Jaime: Now get out of my sight.
Trant leaves.
Jaime: Okay Balon, you’re next up. The Kingsguard is honored by your presence.
Balon: Oh wow. A complement instead of being berated like the others? Cool.
Jaime: BUT—
Balon: Ah, damnit. I knew there would be a but.
Jaime: But your brother, Donnel, is a potential problem. First Donnel swore to Renly. Then he swore to Stannis. Then he lost at the Battle of the Blackwater and bent the knee to Joffrey. Tommen will be the fourth different king he bends the knee to. Do I need to be worried about him swapping to a FIFTH king if things ever get a little rough around here? He doesn’t seem loyal to anyone.
Balon: Hey man, Donnel is Donnel and I’m Balon. Who knows what that guy will do?
Jaime: True. But I do care about what YOU will do. Let’s say your brother swears to a new king and abandons Joffrey. Then you’ll be in a place where you have to choose between your family and your king. What will you do then? Protect the king at all costs? Or jump sides and stay with your family, betraying the king.
Balon: Ah, I see what’s happening here. Projection.
Jaime: Huh?
Balon: You’re not really talking about me. You’re talking about yourself.
Jaime: Explain.
Balon: Well, Mad King Aerys wanted your father dead and your family sided with Robert. So you had to choose between your duties as Kingsguard to Aerys or your family. And you chose your family by murdering the king. So you’re not REALLY asking me about what I’d do with Tommen. You’re asking if YOU made the right decision in the past. You’re trying to justify your own actions and morality.
Jaime: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. But no. You’re wrong. I am asking you about Tommen. What would you do?
Balon: Well… I sure as fuck wouldn’t do what you did and become a Kingslayer, you piece of shit.
Jaime: Hahaha, oh man. Balon, Balon, Balon. You keep that shit real, don’t you? You passed that trick question with flying colors. Good work. Now get the fuck out of here.
That leaves only the Knight of Flowers remaining.
Jaime: Ugh. You. Young. Cocky. Smug. Sure of yourself. With that shit-eating grin on your face. Everything about you is so fucking annoyi….. OH MY GOD, I just realized why I hate you so much. You are me. Everything about me when I joined the Kingsguard is you.
Knight of Flowers: Correct, in this scene you are asking the rest of us what we would do. But this chapter isn’t about us. It’s about you.
Jaime: So tell me the truth… everybody knows that the Ghost of Renly didn’t really join the Battle of the Blackwater. Who was wearing Renly’s armor? Was it you, Loras?
Knight of Flowers: Nah, it was my brother Garlan. It was Littlefinger’s suggestion. And before you jump into the same line of questioning that you did with Balon, let me cut you off. I will defend King Tommen to my last breath. I will not betray him. But like Swann, I’ve obviously changed who I’m loyal to. I’m not ashamed of that. If Renly were still alive, I’d still be with him. He was the king who should have been.
Jaime: Yeah, whatever. So what do you think we should do about Brienne of Tarth?
Knight of Flowers: She should die for killing my beloved… ermm… for killing Renly! She tricked him into making her a Knight!
Jaime: So it’s not honorable to use trickery? Because I remember some asshole who used a mare in heat during a tourney fight with the Mountain in order to win his match.
Knight of Flowers: That was me.
Jaime: Yes, I know.
Knight of Flowers: Oh. Oh. Right. I get it now.
Jaime: And were you there to see Brienne kill Renly, like you accuse her of?
Knight of Flowers: No! But even if she didn’t murder him… it’s still her fault! She was there to protect him and he died anyway. It was her job to keep him alive and she failed!
Jaime: You mean just like it was your job to keep Joffrey alive and you failed?
Knight of Flowers: Ah. Okay. Right. I get it again. I see.
Jaime: She says it was the Shadow of Stannis that killed Renly and that she could save him no more than you could save Joffrey. How exactly does one fight a shadow?
Knight of Flowers: Uhm. I dunno. Ghostbusters? Her story about that shadow sounds like total bullshit. But then again, something pierced right through Renly’s armor and killed him. Something strong. That bitch is strong but not THAT strong. Maybe it was some type of magic.
Jaime: Well, I’ve put Brienne in a jail cell for you. Go to her. Ask her. Interrogate her yourself. Get her side of the story. Judge her guilt or innocence fairly as a knight. I promise whatever you decide, I will accept it. Now get the hell out of here too!
Loras leaves and Jaime thinks about how the Knight of Flowers had killed the other of Renly’s Rainbow Kingsguard in anger for failing to protect him. Loras loved Renly so much that he killed Robar and Emmon. Jaime wonders why he’s barely even considering to do the same to the Kingsguard who failed to protect his son. He doesn’t wonder for long though.
Jaime: Oh right, I never actually loved that little shit. Now… to do something about this missing hand. I think I should get a golden one to replace it. Yes! A golden hand! That would be awesome to fingerblast my sister with!
Jaime looks back over to the book about the Kingsguard and his almost empty page in it. It’s his duty to fill that page up with his deeds. If he wants to be as great a knight as Barristan and the Star in the Morning… he can still do it.
Jaime: The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves!
Loras pops his head back in.
Knight of Flowers: You stole that from Terminator 2.
Jaime: Shut up, Loras.
Jaime: Well, time to put my white cloak uniform on and be a Kingsguard again!
Jaime puts it on, but it’s very ill-fitting. What with him starving and getting all skinny in his adventures.
Jaime: I guess there is also this book about all the members of the Kingsguard that the Lord Commander is supposed to update, huh? Yeah… let me take a look and read that.
Jaime looks at it, and it looks like the last person to update was Barristan Selmy. Selmy was, in fact, so dutiful that he even updated his own firing while he was fleeing out of town to avoid being murdered by Joffrey.
Jaime: *ahem*… Barristan Selmy wrote of Barristan Selmy, “Awesome dude. The best. So honorable. So many achievements. Very wow. Fired by shithead Joffrey and will now flee to Essos to work for Dany. But nobody reads this so I assume nobody will ever know that. Peace out, bitches!”
Jaime reads the rest of Barristan’s accomplishments as a knight. They are many and plentiful. Then he reads his own entry.
Jaime: “Jaime Lannister. Kingslayer. He exists.” MAN! What the hell?! It’s like… in comparison to all these other people in this book, I’ve accomplished NOTHING!
And then Jaime realizes that it looks that way because it’s true. He reads the entries for guys like Ser Arthur Dayne and he gets sad. He’s accomplished so little compared to their great deeds. They were his idols. They will be remembered forever. How will he be remembered?
Later, Jaime’s apartment hosts a meeting for the other five remaining sworn brothers of the Kingsguard – Osmund Kettleblack, Boros Blount, Meryn Trant, Loras Tyrell and Balon Swan. The sixth member, Arys Oakheart, is off at Dorne with his daughter. Jaime thinks about these guys. Balon and Loras seem like they might be okay dudes. Boros and Meryn he knows are complete assholes. Osmund… well… Osmund is a total mystery since he has barely ever met him before and he rose up the ranks to become Cersei’s yes boy while he was away.
Jaime: Well, it’s good to gather all the Kingsguard here all in one place.
Balon: Shouldn’t one of us be guarding the king though?
Jaime: Hrm. Good point. Let’s make this meeting quick. So who thinks my brother poisoned Joffrey?
Boros and Meryn raise their hands.
Jaime: Hrm. What a coincidence. The who assholes who I dislike the most.
Balon: It could have been anyone. Lots of people had access to Joffrey’s cup.
Knight of Flowers: I bet it was that bitch Sansa. I never liked her. She had just as much motive to want Joffrey head.
Jaime: Hrm. She did. Good point. But then pretty much everyone has a motive to kill Joffrey because he’s an absolute dick.
Balon: Wait… didn’t you give her a flower at that tournament for the Hand of the King and declare her as beautiful?
Knight of Flowers: Huh? What? Did I?
Jaime: Well, the past is the past. Let’s just forget it. Joffrey is dead and Tommen is King. And unlike the rest of you shitty Kingsguard who let kings die on your watch… I intend for Tommen to live a long life where he dies of old age.
Balon: What about un-treatable cancer when he's middle aged? It’s not like that would be the Kingsguard’s fault either.
Jaime: True. Natural causes is what I’m trying to say. No more poisoning. From now on, I declare that the King needs a food taster to make sure his food isn’t poisoned. BOROS… that will be your job.
Boros: WHAT?! I am a knight of the Kingsguard! I am not some peasant boy who should be food taster! This is an insult.
Jaime: Well, you know, it was sort of meant as an insult. So, in conclusion, fuck you sideways with a rusty sword.
Boros: I won’t be told what to do by some fucking CRIPPLE!
He stands up and puts his hand on his sword.
Jaime: Hahaha. You want to try me, biatch? Let’s see how well you do against my left hand.
Boros takes his hand off his sword and storms out of the room, angrily.
Jaime: Hahaha, awesome. He totally didn’t call my bluff on that one. In reality, I SUCK HARD with my left hand. I’m completely useless. OKAY… next up… Balon. Why have I never heard of you before I came back to Kings Landing? Usually people who are promoted to the Kingsguard are pretty famous knights who win tournaments or battles or at the very least serve in great houses.
Osmund: Ah, well, I started off as a common sellsword. You know. For some people. You probably haven’t heard of them.
Jaime: Ugh. You sound like a hipster. Okay, you can leave too.
Osmund is dismissed and exits.
Jaime: Next up… MERYN. I hear you like beating women and children, huh?
Meryn: What?
Jaime: You know, all that beating of that little girl Sansa you did. You fucking sick-o.
Meryn: I did what the king ordered me to do. I was simply obeying my king!
Jaime: If the king told you to jump off a bridge, would you?
Meryn: Well… erm… no.
Jaime: If the king told you to remove your lower ribs and suck yourself off in front of the whole throne room… would you?
Meryn: Gross. No. Maybe in private, but…
Jaime: --King Joffrey was a fucking child. A child not yet of age to make decisions like that. You will not blindly obey child kings in the future. Unless it’s about something mundane and stupid. If King Tommen tells you to get him a new pet cat… you will do that, okay? But if King Tommen tells you to MURDER a cat in front of him to watch it die… you come and tell me about that so I can smack the fuck out of him, okay?
Meryn: But… he’s the king!
Jaime: You will obey me, you will obey Cersei, and you will obey our father. A child can’t make decisions like that from the realm. Get it?
Meryn: *grumbles* Yes.
Jaime: Now get out of my sight.
Trant leaves.
Jaime: Okay Balon, you’re next up. The Kingsguard is honored by your presence.
Balon: Oh wow. A complement instead of being berated like the others? Cool.
Jaime: BUT—
Balon: Ah, damnit. I knew there would be a but.
Jaime: But your brother, Donnel, is a potential problem. First Donnel swore to Renly. Then he swore to Stannis. Then he lost at the Battle of the Blackwater and bent the knee to Joffrey. Tommen will be the fourth different king he bends the knee to. Do I need to be worried about him swapping to a FIFTH king if things ever get a little rough around here? He doesn’t seem loyal to anyone.
Balon: Hey man, Donnel is Donnel and I’m Balon. Who knows what that guy will do?
Jaime: True. But I do care about what YOU will do. Let’s say your brother swears to a new king and abandons Joffrey. Then you’ll be in a place where you have to choose between your family and your king. What will you do then? Protect the king at all costs? Or jump sides and stay with your family, betraying the king.
Balon: Ah, I see what’s happening here. Projection.
Jaime: Huh?
Balon: You’re not really talking about me. You’re talking about yourself.
Jaime: Explain.
Balon: Well, Mad King Aerys wanted your father dead and your family sided with Robert. So you had to choose between your duties as Kingsguard to Aerys or your family. And you chose your family by murdering the king. So you’re not REALLY asking me about what I’d do with Tommen. You’re asking if YOU made the right decision in the past. You’re trying to justify your own actions and morality.
Jaime: Wow, that’s pretty insightful. But no. You’re wrong. I am asking you about Tommen. What would you do?
Balon: Well… I sure as fuck wouldn’t do what you did and become a Kingslayer, you piece of shit.
Jaime: Hahaha, oh man. Balon, Balon, Balon. You keep that shit real, don’t you? You passed that trick question with flying colors. Good work. Now get the fuck out of here.
That leaves only the Knight of Flowers remaining.
Jaime: Ugh. You. Young. Cocky. Smug. Sure of yourself. With that shit-eating grin on your face. Everything about you is so fucking annoyi….. OH MY GOD, I just realized why I hate you so much. You are me. Everything about me when I joined the Kingsguard is you.
Knight of Flowers: Correct, in this scene you are asking the rest of us what we would do. But this chapter isn’t about us. It’s about you.
Jaime: So tell me the truth… everybody knows that the Ghost of Renly didn’t really join the Battle of the Blackwater. Who was wearing Renly’s armor? Was it you, Loras?
Knight of Flowers: Nah, it was my brother Garlan. It was Littlefinger’s suggestion. And before you jump into the same line of questioning that you did with Balon, let me cut you off. I will defend King Tommen to my last breath. I will not betray him. But like Swann, I’ve obviously changed who I’m loyal to. I’m not ashamed of that. If Renly were still alive, I’d still be with him. He was the king who should have been.
Jaime: Yeah, whatever. So what do you think we should do about Brienne of Tarth?
Knight of Flowers: She should die for killing my beloved… ermm… for killing Renly! She tricked him into making her a Knight!
Jaime: So it’s not honorable to use trickery? Because I remember some asshole who used a mare in heat during a tourney fight with the Mountain in order to win his match.
Knight of Flowers: That was me.
Jaime: Yes, I know.
Knight of Flowers: Oh. Oh. Right. I get it now.
Jaime: And were you there to see Brienne kill Renly, like you accuse her of?
Knight of Flowers: No! But even if she didn’t murder him… it’s still her fault! She was there to protect him and he died anyway. It was her job to keep him alive and she failed!
Jaime: You mean just like it was your job to keep Joffrey alive and you failed?
Knight of Flowers: Ah. Okay. Right. I get it again. I see.
Jaime: She says it was the Shadow of Stannis that killed Renly and that she could save him no more than you could save Joffrey. How exactly does one fight a shadow?
Knight of Flowers: Uhm. I dunno. Ghostbusters? Her story about that shadow sounds like total bullshit. But then again, something pierced right through Renly’s armor and killed him. Something strong. That bitch is strong but not THAT strong. Maybe it was some type of magic.
Jaime: Well, I’ve put Brienne in a jail cell for you. Go to her. Ask her. Interrogate her yourself. Get her side of the story. Judge her guilt or innocence fairly as a knight. I promise whatever you decide, I will accept it. Now get the hell out of here too!
Loras leaves and Jaime thinks about how the Knight of Flowers had killed the other of Renly’s Rainbow Kingsguard in anger for failing to protect him. Loras loved Renly so much that he killed Robar and Emmon. Jaime wonders why he’s barely even considering to do the same to the Kingsguard who failed to protect his son. He doesn’t wonder for long though.
Jaime: Oh right, I never actually loved that little shit. Now… to do something about this missing hand. I think I should get a golden one to replace it. Yes! A golden hand! That would be awesome to fingerblast my sister with!
Jaime looks back over to the book about the Kingsguard and his almost empty page in it. It’s his duty to fill that page up with his deeds. If he wants to be as great a knight as Barristan and the Star in the Morning… he can still do it.
Jaime: The future's not set. There's no fate but what we make for ourselves!
Loras pops his head back in.
Knight of Flowers: You stole that from Terminator 2.
Jaime: Shut up, Loras.
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