Jon is asleep, and imagining that he’s back in Winterfell. It’s some trippy stuff with stone kings and Ygritte. Is it important for the plot? Not really, so let’s move on.
Jon: I’m awake now! Man, those were some weird dreams. That’s what happens when you take melatonin though, I guess.
A horn sounds.
Jon: Uh oh! A horn! That’s important. I wonder how many horn blows there will be.
He gets up and stumbles out of bed, despite the fact that his leg is still in massive pain from where he, ya know, pulled that arrow through it.
Jon waits in a line with several others to take the elevator up to the top of the Wall.
Jon: They really should install more elevators. Just one? I mean come on.
Zei: Yeah, right!
Jon: Wait… Zei? Who are you?
Zei: Another whore character.
Satin: Like me!
Zei: Only I’m a female from moletown. But I’m really good with a crossbow.
Jon: Fair enough. I guess you’ll be important enough to mention in this one chapter, followed by the next one. After which, you will never be mentioned again.
Zei: It’s a deal!
Satin: Is this another attack? And if so… who is attacking? I really, really hope it’s Mance Rayder. Because otherwise it would be the Others attacking. Which would not be good!
Jon: Does nobody pay any attention to the well established horn blowing signal system?!
They reach the top of the wall, and sees that it is indeed Mance’s army approaching.
Donal Noye: MEN! Assemble the trebuchets! Load them up with flaming pitch! The King Beyond the Wall is attacking with his mammoths.
Jon: Holy crap! There are like 100 mammoths out there.
Pyp: And there! Look! Wildlings are at the gate!
Jon: Do we have more barrels of that flaming hot oil up here… like me and Satin had last chapter?
Satin: YES! There! Look!
Jon: Sweet. Okay. Lets tip those over.
They tip those over the north side of the Wall, onto the attacking Wildlings.
Wildlings: AGHH!!!!
Jon: Haha, that never gets old.
Satin: Dude, you must REALLY be related to Arya. You got a little psycho killer in you.
Noye: MEN! I need backup to guard the tunnel below, in case the Wildlings break through. I will lead the forced down there. That means I need to leave someone in charge up here on the wall. Hrm. Let’s see… let’s see… eenie-meenie-minnie-moe…
Zei: I sure hopes he does the politically correct version of this rhyme instead of the original version.
Noye: Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone knows I’m going to lead Jon Snow in charge. Bastard! You have the Wall until I get back. Which I most certainly will.
Jon: Yowza! Accused of treason as soon as I get back… and now all of a sudden I’m in charge of the Wall?
Noye: Correct. But don’t read too much into that. You’ll only be in charge until I get back from going down in this tunnel to attack hordes of invading, vicious, Wildling forces that are well-armed, well-equipped, and supported by giants.
Jon: Speaking of well-armed… you only have one arm.
Noye: That is correct. I, a one-armed man, will lead the defense down below while you have control up here. Until I get back. Which I will. Get back, I mean.
Jon: We sure do seem to be lingering on this plot point about “until you get back” a lot.
Noye: Aye. Now who is coming with me to defend the gate?
Team of Red Shirts: Us!
Noye: Perfect.
Noye and the Red Shirts leave. Jon now controls the Wall.
The siege goes on for hours and hours and hours. It lasts the whole night. The next morning, Noye has still not returned. Jon can see the Wildling army though. It’s HUGE. It goes on beyond his eyes can see. But that might not be saying much because we don’t know what his eyesight is like and corrective lenses don’t really exist yet.
Satin: There must be a hundred thousand Wildlings out there!
Jon: Yeah, but the Wall will stop them! AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?
Everyone: Meh. Maybe.
Jon: Well, that wasn’t quite the morale-raising reaction to my pep talk that I was expecting. Let me try again. NO MAMMOTH! NO CAVARLY! NO GIANT CAN CLIMB THIS WALL! THEY SHALL NOT PASS!
Pyp: You stole that last part from Gandalf!
Jon: Maybe. Sort of. It's not an exact quote. I’m trying to be inspiring though. What I’m saying is… THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!
Grenn: That’s Braveheart! Also, I don’t want them to take our lives.
Pyp: Me neither.
Jon: Look, my point is… so long as the gate holds… WE ARE SAFE!
Everyone: *moderate clapping*
Grenn: You mean the gate being held by Donal Noye and the Red Shirts… right?
Jon: Correct.
Pyp: And just to clarify… Donal Noye has only one arm.
Jon: Also correct.
Grenn: And Red Shirts are a trope of throw-away characters who are easily killed off to raise the stakes for more important main characters?
Jon: Well, when you put it that way.
Next up, Jon sees as giants approach the Wall with a giant battering ram.
Jon: Archers… shoot them!
The archers shoot their arrows.
Jon: Men… drop those caltrops! Fire the scorpions at will! Continue firing arrows! Do we have more flaming pitch? Pour that out on the ram!
And so they do all that stuff. Arrows. Caltrops. Scorpoin bolts. Flaming pitch. It’s pretty good. The Wildlings break and flee, with the giants and mammoths turning to turn.
Jon: Haha. We’re kicking ass. But I was up all night leading here. I’m so damn tired. I need to go down and rest… just for a bit. And maybe check on Noye. GRENN!
Grenn: Whattup?
Jon: You’re in charge now.
Grenn: What? Really? Wow… we really ARE hard up for men here on the Wall.
Jon leaves, and Grenn now controls the wall. Jon reaches the bottom of the elevator and heads towards the entrance to the gate. Maester Aemon is waiting for him.
Jon: What’s up with Noye?
Aemon: Well, I’m blind… so I have no idea.
Jon: True, true. A fair point. Let me check this out.
Jon goes into the tunnel and finds Noye dead. Noye and one of the Wildlings that Jon recognizes, the giant Mag the Mighty, are all wrapped up with one another, having delivered simultaneous lethal attacks.
Jon: Well, this sucks. He kept saying that I was in charge until he came back. And now he’s dead. So who takes over now? I guess Ser Wynton Stout, right? He’s the last remaining knight.
Aemon: That dude? He’s almost as old as me. And he’s gone senile.
Jon: Hrm. Then I guess you’re in charge?
Aemon: Haha, nice try. Donal chose you to lead while he was gone. Qhorin Halfhand chose you before him. And Lord Commander Mormont chose you even before that. There is only ONE option for who will lead us now.
Jon: Grenn?
Aemon smacks Jon upside the head.
Jon: Crap. It’s me. Isn’t it? Damn it. *sigh*
He walks outside of the tunnel.
Jon: MEN! We must repair the tunnel gate and then block the tunnel off with debris so the Wildlings can’t get through! Donal Noye is dead. I’M IN CHARGE NOW, MOFOs!
Jon: I’m awake now! Man, those were some weird dreams. That’s what happens when you take melatonin though, I guess.
A horn sounds.
Jon: Uh oh! A horn! That’s important. I wonder how many horn blows there will be.
He gets up and stumbles out of bed, despite the fact that his leg is still in massive pain from where he, ya know, pulled that arrow through it.
Jon waits in a line with several others to take the elevator up to the top of the Wall.
Jon: They really should install more elevators. Just one? I mean come on.
Zei: Yeah, right!
Jon: Wait… Zei? Who are you?
Zei: Another whore character.
Satin: Like me!
Zei: Only I’m a female from moletown. But I’m really good with a crossbow.
Jon: Fair enough. I guess you’ll be important enough to mention in this one chapter, followed by the next one. After which, you will never be mentioned again.
Zei: It’s a deal!
Satin: Is this another attack? And if so… who is attacking? I really, really hope it’s Mance Rayder. Because otherwise it would be the Others attacking. Which would not be good!
Jon: Does nobody pay any attention to the well established horn blowing signal system?!
They reach the top of the wall, and sees that it is indeed Mance’s army approaching.
Donal Noye: MEN! Assemble the trebuchets! Load them up with flaming pitch! The King Beyond the Wall is attacking with his mammoths.
Jon: Holy crap! There are like 100 mammoths out there.
Pyp: And there! Look! Wildlings are at the gate!
Jon: Do we have more barrels of that flaming hot oil up here… like me and Satin had last chapter?
Satin: YES! There! Look!
Jon: Sweet. Okay. Lets tip those over.
They tip those over the north side of the Wall, onto the attacking Wildlings.
Wildlings: AGHH!!!!
Jon: Haha, that never gets old.
Satin: Dude, you must REALLY be related to Arya. You got a little psycho killer in you.
Noye: MEN! I need backup to guard the tunnel below, in case the Wildlings break through. I will lead the forced down there. That means I need to leave someone in charge up here on the wall. Hrm. Let’s see… let’s see… eenie-meenie-minnie-moe…
Zei: I sure hopes he does the politically correct version of this rhyme instead of the original version.
Noye: Ah, who am I kidding? Everyone knows I’m going to lead Jon Snow in charge. Bastard! You have the Wall until I get back. Which I most certainly will.
Jon: Yowza! Accused of treason as soon as I get back… and now all of a sudden I’m in charge of the Wall?
Noye: Correct. But don’t read too much into that. You’ll only be in charge until I get back from going down in this tunnel to attack hordes of invading, vicious, Wildling forces that are well-armed, well-equipped, and supported by giants.
Jon: Speaking of well-armed… you only have one arm.
Noye: That is correct. I, a one-armed man, will lead the defense down below while you have control up here. Until I get back. Which I will. Get back, I mean.
Jon: We sure do seem to be lingering on this plot point about “until you get back” a lot.
Noye: Aye. Now who is coming with me to defend the gate?
Team of Red Shirts: Us!
Noye: Perfect.
Noye and the Red Shirts leave. Jon now controls the Wall.
The siege goes on for hours and hours and hours. It lasts the whole night. The next morning, Noye has still not returned. Jon can see the Wildling army though. It’s HUGE. It goes on beyond his eyes can see. But that might not be saying much because we don’t know what his eyesight is like and corrective lenses don’t really exist yet.
Satin: There must be a hundred thousand Wildlings out there!
Jon: Yeah, but the Wall will stop them! AM I RIGHT PEOPLE?
Everyone: Meh. Maybe.
Jon: Well, that wasn’t quite the morale-raising reaction to my pep talk that I was expecting. Let me try again. NO MAMMOTH! NO CAVARLY! NO GIANT CAN CLIMB THIS WALL! THEY SHALL NOT PASS!
Pyp: You stole that last part from Gandalf!
Jon: Maybe. Sort of. It's not an exact quote. I’m trying to be inspiring though. What I’m saying is… THEY MAY TAKE OUR LIVES, BUT THEY’LL NEVER TAKE OUR FREEDOM!
Grenn: That’s Braveheart! Also, I don’t want them to take our lives.
Pyp: Me neither.
Jon: Look, my point is… so long as the gate holds… WE ARE SAFE!
Everyone: *moderate clapping*
Grenn: You mean the gate being held by Donal Noye and the Red Shirts… right?
Jon: Correct.
Pyp: And just to clarify… Donal Noye has only one arm.
Jon: Also correct.
Grenn: And Red Shirts are a trope of throw-away characters who are easily killed off to raise the stakes for more important main characters?
Jon: Well, when you put it that way.
Next up, Jon sees as giants approach the Wall with a giant battering ram.
Jon: Archers… shoot them!
The archers shoot their arrows.
Jon: Men… drop those caltrops! Fire the scorpions at will! Continue firing arrows! Do we have more flaming pitch? Pour that out on the ram!
And so they do all that stuff. Arrows. Caltrops. Scorpoin bolts. Flaming pitch. It’s pretty good. The Wildlings break and flee, with the giants and mammoths turning to turn.
Jon: Haha. We’re kicking ass. But I was up all night leading here. I’m so damn tired. I need to go down and rest… just for a bit. And maybe check on Noye. GRENN!
Grenn: Whattup?
Jon: You’re in charge now.
Grenn: What? Really? Wow… we really ARE hard up for men here on the Wall.
Jon leaves, and Grenn now controls the wall. Jon reaches the bottom of the elevator and heads towards the entrance to the gate. Maester Aemon is waiting for him.
Jon: What’s up with Noye?
Aemon: Well, I’m blind… so I have no idea.
Jon: True, true. A fair point. Let me check this out.
Jon goes into the tunnel and finds Noye dead. Noye and one of the Wildlings that Jon recognizes, the giant Mag the Mighty, are all wrapped up with one another, having delivered simultaneous lethal attacks.
Jon: Well, this sucks. He kept saying that I was in charge until he came back. And now he’s dead. So who takes over now? I guess Ser Wynton Stout, right? He’s the last remaining knight.
Aemon: That dude? He’s almost as old as me. And he’s gone senile.
Jon: Hrm. Then I guess you’re in charge?
Aemon: Haha, nice try. Donal chose you to lead while he was gone. Qhorin Halfhand chose you before him. And Lord Commander Mormont chose you even before that. There is only ONE option for who will lead us now.
Jon: Grenn?
Aemon smacks Jon upside the head.
Jon: Crap. It’s me. Isn’t it? Damn it. *sigh*
He walks outside of the tunnel.
Jon: MEN! We must repair the tunnel gate and then block the tunnel off with debris so the Wildlings can’t get through! Donal Noye is dead. I’M IN CHARGE NOW, MOFOs!
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