Day 1 of the trial has concluded, and Tyrion has been sent back to his quarters.
Tyrion: Well, that sucked. Everyone is trying to make me look guilty. Fucking Kettleblacks, man.
His uncle, Ser Kevan is there too. He's the closest thing Tyrion is given to a lawyer/public defender.
Kevan: Dude, you really need some witnesses if you want to not be executed.
Tyrion: What about Varys? That dude is TOTES on my side, right?
Kevan: Eh. Sure. I guess we can look for him.
Kevan leaves to go locate Varys.
But Varys never shows up.
The trial resumes the next day. The first witnesses are all the Maesters they have in town.
Maester Ballabar: It was poison.
Maester Frenken: Yep. Definitely poison.
Maester Pycelle: Tyrion once stole a whole lot of poison from me. It's true. He probably killed the boy! The poor, poor boy! Oh what a great and wonderful king he was! The most noble person in all the kingdom!
Tyrion: --I OBJECT! I object mainly to Joffrey being called a noble person because EVERYBODY here knows that Joffrey is a human fucking stain.
There is a quiet murmor of agreement in the court.
Tyrion: But more importantly... I OBJECT because I want to to answer me this: did any of the poisons that I confiscated from you while you were IN JAIL cause symptoms that match what Joffrey died from?
Pycelle: Erm... uhh... well, technically no... but...
Tywin: --TYRION! I'm warning you!
Tyrion: What the fuck, dad? I'm not allowed to cross-examine lying witnesses?
Tywin: No. Not really. It's not that type of trial. It's more of the "we're killing time, waiting until Ilyn Payne sharpens his sword" trial.
And so to kill time, a parade of additional witnesses are called against him. Lady Merryweather claims she saw him slip something into the cup.
Tyrion: WHAT THE FUCK?! I don't even know who Lady Merryweather is! Why is she my enemy? Not that long ago I literally SAVED THIS CITY with my plans to defend it... and now everyone is betraying me?
The trial ends again for the day. Again, Varys does not come to Tyrion's aid per his request. Where the hell is Varys anyway?
In his quarters again that night...
Kevan: You know, you should just confess.
Tyrion: I didn't do it!
Kevan: You'd be allowed to take the black.
Tyrion: You really think I'm falling for that after what happened to Ned Stark?
Kevan: You have no witnesses for you. And even if you were innocent, you'd be safer on the Wall than in Kings Landing. The mob will kill you even if the judges don't. Besides, your father is an honorable man. He wouldn't do you wrong like Joffrey did to Ned.
Tyrion: Ugh. I wish I could believe you. Let me... think on it over night.
And so Tyrion thinks on it over night.
The next day the trial resumes. The next witness up for the prosecution is FUCKING VARYS.
Tyrion: OH, YOU FUCKING SONOFABITCH!
Varys: Yeah, so Tyrion had this scheme he was telling me about. He wanted to get rid of the Hound and kill Joffrey, and then make Tommen the king. But since Tommen is so young and stupid... he would really be in control and run the Kingdom himself as the Hand. I got a bunch of documents here to prove it... which aren't all all forged.
Varys puts a bunch of documents that say "REAL, NOT FORGED" on them in crayon. The jurrors all nod at this really good evidence.
Tyrion: DAMNIT! FAAAAAAAAAAKE!
Fucking Moron Tyrell: Well, I don't see how it could be fake. It says "REAL, NOT FORGED" right on it.
Tyrion: You are the worst, dumbest shit ever, Mace.
And the trial ends for the day again. You'd think this could have all happened in one day, but they're really stretching this damn thing out.
That night, the Red Viper comes to visit him.
Red Viper: Hey asshole, did you poison Joffrey?
Tyrion: NO! And why are you here? You're one of my judges. Surely you're not supposed to be here.
Red Viper: No, I'm not supposed to be here. But I'm here anyway. Shhh! It's a secret.
Tyrion: So, what did my father offer you to find me guilty?
Red Viper: Oh, nothing you fucking Lannisters do is ever that direct. But Cersei flirted with me about how she was single now, and I could tell what that was meant to imply. I'd rather fuck a nest of scorpions than Cersei though.
Tyrion: Eww. On both accounts.
Red Viper: You know, it's good for me that you're the prime suspect in this. If they weren't blaming you... then they'd probably be blaming me. What with me hating the Lannisters and everything. PLUS there is the whole thing about Dornish law, you know. Joffrey was the eldest child but Tommen is younger than Myrcella. In Dorne, the female has just as much right as the male in inheriting thrones and titles. That would mean according to our law, Myrcella would be crowned and become Queen. And she's currency a
Tyrion: Why are you telling me all of this? You're really making a good case against yourself. Besides, Dornish law doesn't apply here.
Red Viper: Well... what if we were to choose to crown her anyway? Who do you think Cersei would side with?
Tyrion: Hrm. Good point. She does have a giant stick up her ass about sexism holding her down in life. Seeing her daughter in charge would really "stick it to the man." She and Jaime are twins, yes. But she was born a few minutes before him and has always thought that means she comes first. But then again... Tywin would never allow it.
Red Viper: Hah! Tywin will not live forever
Tyrion: Ooh. Pretty menacing there. You know Varys has his "little birds" everywhere, right? I'd watch where you say things like that.
Red Viper: It was not a threat. It was just a statement of fact. You know, Fatty Tyrell is convinced of your guilt already. And you look pretty guilty to me too. So guilty, in fact, that I am sure of your innocence!
Tyrion: That must be the kind of logic that the OJ Simpson jury used when deliberating too.
Red Viper: Alas, justice is a farce here. I doubt you will be given justice, no matter how I vote. You will be condemned. It has all been decided in advance.
Tyrion: No shit, Sherlock.
Red Viper: So tell me of this story that your father says of my sister Elia's death and the death of her children with Rhaegar. Was it truly this "Ser Amory Lorch" that killed them? And is this Lorch fellow really dead himself?
Tyrion: It is true that Ser Amory killed your niece, Princess Rhaenys. And it is also true that Lorch was killed by a bear. But Elia and Prince Aegon? They were killed by Ser Gregor Clegane. The Mountain raped her before he killed her, just like the stories say. But... uhm... I don't think my dad actually gave the order.
Red Viper: He did though.
Tyrion: Yeah, fair enough.
Red Viper: Well, I still might be able to save you anyway.
Tyrion: How? You're only one judge. I'd need to win over TWO judges.
Red Viper: Oh, I wouldn't save you as your judge. I'd save you as YOUR CHAMPION.
Tyrion: Oh. Shit, dawg. You should have come in with that news as the first thing out of your mouth.
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