Davos is standing around and watching as Melisandre leads King Stannis, Queen Selyse, his own son Devan, and others in their daily worship service to the Red God. Davos sees that Stannis isn’t really mouthing along to the prayers and bullshit like everyone else is. Davos is questioning whether Stannis is a true believer. And for good reason. True believers seem few and far between these days. Every day there seem to be fewer attendees to these services. Davos is not the only one who dreams about getting rid of this Red Witch and per influence.
Ser Andrew Estermont: Psst! Hey! Hey Davos!
Davos: Whattup, dawg?
Andrew: So we gonna kill this Mel bish or what?
Davos: No. I don’t think so. She can see through the flames. If we try something that big, she’ll likely figure out about it. Our best hope is to carry out our more modest plots in secret, and hope she doesn’t even notice what we’re doing.
Andrew: Dang. Well. Okay then. Let me know when you’re ready to do “the thing.”
Davos: Dude. I’m ready now. Let’s go.
And so they quietly sneak off, hoping not to be seen exiting. They head to Maester Pylos’s chambers, where Edric Storm is having more lessons.
Pylos: Oh, hey there Davos. Here for some more reading lessons? This book here is great! But you don’t have to take MY word for it!
*Reading Rainbow scene transition sound effect*
Davos: No, no. Stop that. I’m not here to read. I’m here to take Edric.
Pylos: What? No! I don’t think so. If you were supposed to take Edric somewhere, I would have heard about it.
Davos: You forget your place, Ser! I am the Hand of the King, and when I speak… it is the King’s voice!
Pylos: What, like some sort of ventriloquist dummy or something?
Davos: Shaddup, Pylos.
Pylos: Just kidding man. Well… you’re right. You are the Hand and I think I know what you’re planning. So… uhm… you have my full support, dude. Say no more.
Davos and Pylos give each other a head nod, with unspoken words that Pylos doesn't want to have wasted all his time teaching this kid how to read only to have Stannis BBQ his ass.
Davos then takes Edric to a ship.
Edric: Why are we going to a ship, man? Am I leaving?
Davos: Yes, you are.
Edric: But I need to see Shireen before I go! And Uncle Stannis! He’s so good to me!
Davos: Hahaha, if you only knew, dude. No. You need to get out of here ASAP. If you don’t go then your Uncle will be very angry with you. Do you know what he does to angry people?
Davos shows Edric his cut-off fingers.
Edric: Yeah, I guess he is sort of a dick.
And so he gets on the boat, along with Ser Andrew.
Andrew: I’ll take him to safety, Davos. Don’t worry.
Davos: Thanks Andrew. Goodbye, Gendry!
Edric: Gendry?
Davos: Oh right. I mean “Edric.”
Davos then heads back to the Chamber of the Painted Table, where he bumps into Mel and Stannis in the middle of a conversation.
Mel: --Three is three, shorty. You have to admit that. I saw it through the flames. The child dying and a mother crying.
Stannis: Visions through a flame? Please. I’ll need more proof than that, witch.
Davos sighs and walks forward.
Davos: No, this ho is right, my king. Word just arrived from King’s Landing. The boy Joffrey is dead. Likely poisoned by his uncle, the Imp.
Stannis: What… like… REALLY?
Davos: Aye, your grace.
Stannis: WOW. If the Imp did that, then he truly did a service to the Kingdom. And not just by making my own claim to the throne a little better and getting rid of another pretender. Just in general. That kid was a fucking psychopath. Do you know I once caught him murdering a pregnant cat? He cut that cat right open and looked at its insides. Who does that sort of shit? I’ll tell you who… Ted Fucking Bundy. They start with small, helpless animals… and then they move on to people.
Mel: THERE! You see? It is true! Three leaches on the flames… and three false kings dead! All with the power of king’s blood! With just Balon… you could say that it was just an old man dying. With Robb… you could say it was a crazy coincidence. But now with Joffrey… three for three! And that was just with DROPS of king’s blood. Imagine what you could do if we sacrifice the boy to the Red God! I WILL WAKE THE DRAGONS!
Stannis: Ugh. Is there no other way?
Mel: If you fail… then the whole world fails! For you are Azor Ahai, reborn! The prince that was promised! There will come a day after a long summer when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning sword. And that sword shall be Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes, and he who clasps it shall be Azor Ahai come again, and the darkness shall flee before him!
Stannis: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mel: A trade, my king. A boy for a kingdom.
Stannis: Hrm. Well, then I guess I shall—
Davos: --No, sire! You can’t!
Stannis: Listen, shorty. Don’t interrupt me again to tell me what I can and can’t do. If I want to give the boy to Mel, then I will—
Davos: --No, I don’t mean I don’t want you to give to boy to Mel. I mean you literally CAN’T give the boy to Mel. He’s gone.
Stannis: WHAT?! What you talking bout, Davos?
Mel: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?
Davos: Hahaha! OH GOD! That look on your face is priceless, Mel! You didn’t see THAT in the flames, did you? CLASSIC! I wish cameras were invented now so that I could take a picture of that.
Stannis: What did you do with Gendry, Davos?
Davos: Edric.
Stannis: Whatever. Easy mistake.
Davos: I sent him away on a boat. He’s gone now. Away from Dragonstone. And I’m not telling you where. You can torture me all you want I’ll never tell.
Mel: Well that’s cool. I’ll just use some king’s blood to look into the flames and figure out where he… oh… DAMNIT… that’s right! He’s gone.
Davos: Haha!
Stannis: Dude. My face may look pretty stoic now. But I am pissed off. SUPER pissed off. I had hoped for your loyalty when I made you my hand, and now—
Davos: I have been loyal. I have kept my oath! To protect the king’s people. Edric Storm was one of those people.
Stannis: If I must sacrifice ONE child to save millions from the darkness…
Mel: Davos, you fool! You have not saved Edric Storm. You have DOOMED him, as you have doomed everyone else. The darkness will come and kill us all.
Davos: A king protects his people, or he is not a king at all.
Stannis: Oh, well. This is just FUCKING PRECIOUS. I’m learning lessons on how to be a king from a fucking ONION SMUGGLER?
Davos: The way you say “onion smuggler” makes it sound like it’s some sort of urban dictionary slang for a guy with big balls that you see wearing tight shorts.
Stannis: Gross.
Davos gets down on his knees.
Davos: If you mean to take my head… then do it now. But I beg you to hear me out first.
Stannis: *sigh* Okay, get on with it.
Davos: A King’s Hand should be able to read and write. And Pylos has been teaching me. See, let me read you this.
He fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a note from a raven.
Davos: *ahem*…
Aaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!
Ser Andrew Estermont: Psst! Hey! Hey Davos!
Davos: Whattup, dawg?
Andrew: So we gonna kill this Mel bish or what?
Davos: No. I don’t think so. She can see through the flames. If we try something that big, she’ll likely figure out about it. Our best hope is to carry out our more modest plots in secret, and hope she doesn’t even notice what we’re doing.
Andrew: Dang. Well. Okay then. Let me know when you’re ready to do “the thing.”
Davos: Dude. I’m ready now. Let’s go.
And so they quietly sneak off, hoping not to be seen exiting. They head to Maester Pylos’s chambers, where Edric Storm is having more lessons.
Pylos: Oh, hey there Davos. Here for some more reading lessons? This book here is great! But you don’t have to take MY word for it!
*Reading Rainbow scene transition sound effect*
Davos: No, no. Stop that. I’m not here to read. I’m here to take Edric.
Pylos: What? No! I don’t think so. If you were supposed to take Edric somewhere, I would have heard about it.
Davos: You forget your place, Ser! I am the Hand of the King, and when I speak… it is the King’s voice!
Pylos: What, like some sort of ventriloquist dummy or something?
Davos: Shaddup, Pylos.
Pylos: Just kidding man. Well… you’re right. You are the Hand and I think I know what you’re planning. So… uhm… you have my full support, dude. Say no more.
Davos and Pylos give each other a head nod, with unspoken words that Pylos doesn't want to have wasted all his time teaching this kid how to read only to have Stannis BBQ his ass.
Davos then takes Edric to a ship.
Edric: Why are we going to a ship, man? Am I leaving?
Davos: Yes, you are.
Edric: But I need to see Shireen before I go! And Uncle Stannis! He’s so good to me!
Davos: Hahaha, if you only knew, dude. No. You need to get out of here ASAP. If you don’t go then your Uncle will be very angry with you. Do you know what he does to angry people?
Davos shows Edric his cut-off fingers.
Edric: Yeah, I guess he is sort of a dick.
And so he gets on the boat, along with Ser Andrew.
Andrew: I’ll take him to safety, Davos. Don’t worry.
Davos: Thanks Andrew. Goodbye, Gendry!
Edric: Gendry?
Davos: Oh right. I mean “Edric.”
Davos then heads back to the Chamber of the Painted Table, where he bumps into Mel and Stannis in the middle of a conversation.
Mel: --Three is three, shorty. You have to admit that. I saw it through the flames. The child dying and a mother crying.
Stannis: Visions through a flame? Please. I’ll need more proof than that, witch.
Davos sighs and walks forward.
Davos: No, this ho is right, my king. Word just arrived from King’s Landing. The boy Joffrey is dead. Likely poisoned by his uncle, the Imp.
Stannis: What… like… REALLY?
Davos: Aye, your grace.
Stannis: WOW. If the Imp did that, then he truly did a service to the Kingdom. And not just by making my own claim to the throne a little better and getting rid of another pretender. Just in general. That kid was a fucking psychopath. Do you know I once caught him murdering a pregnant cat? He cut that cat right open and looked at its insides. Who does that sort of shit? I’ll tell you who… Ted Fucking Bundy. They start with small, helpless animals… and then they move on to people.
Mel: THERE! You see? It is true! Three leaches on the flames… and three false kings dead! All with the power of king’s blood! With just Balon… you could say that it was just an old man dying. With Robb… you could say it was a crazy coincidence. But now with Joffrey… three for three! And that was just with DROPS of king’s blood. Imagine what you could do if we sacrifice the boy to the Red God! I WILL WAKE THE DRAGONS!
Stannis: Ugh. Is there no other way?
Mel: If you fail… then the whole world fails! For you are Azor Ahai, reborn! The prince that was promised! There will come a day after a long summer when the stars bleed and the cold breath of darkness falls heavy on the world. In this dread hour a warrior shall draw from the fire a burning sword. And that sword shall be Lightbringer, the Red Sword of Heroes, and he who clasps it shall be Azor Ahai come again, and the darkness shall flee before him!
Stannis: Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Mel: A trade, my king. A boy for a kingdom.
Stannis: Hrm. Well, then I guess I shall—
Davos: --No, sire! You can’t!
Stannis: Listen, shorty. Don’t interrupt me again to tell me what I can and can’t do. If I want to give the boy to Mel, then I will—
Davos: --No, I don’t mean I don’t want you to give to boy to Mel. I mean you literally CAN’T give the boy to Mel. He’s gone.
Stannis: WHAT?! What you talking bout, Davos?
Mel: Huuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuh?
Davos: Hahaha! OH GOD! That look on your face is priceless, Mel! You didn’t see THAT in the flames, did you? CLASSIC! I wish cameras were invented now so that I could take a picture of that.
Stannis: What did you do with Gendry, Davos?
Davos: Edric.
Stannis: Whatever. Easy mistake.
Davos: I sent him away on a boat. He’s gone now. Away from Dragonstone. And I’m not telling you where. You can torture me all you want I’ll never tell.
Mel: Well that’s cool. I’ll just use some king’s blood to look into the flames and figure out where he… oh… DAMNIT… that’s right! He’s gone.
Davos: Haha!
Stannis: Dude. My face may look pretty stoic now. But I am pissed off. SUPER pissed off. I had hoped for your loyalty when I made you my hand, and now—
Davos: I have been loyal. I have kept my oath! To protect the king’s people. Edric Storm was one of those people.
Stannis: If I must sacrifice ONE child to save millions from the darkness…
Mel: Davos, you fool! You have not saved Edric Storm. You have DOOMED him, as you have doomed everyone else. The darkness will come and kill us all.
Davos: A king protects his people, or he is not a king at all.
Stannis: Oh, well. This is just FUCKING PRECIOUS. I’m learning lessons on how to be a king from a fucking ONION SMUGGLER?
Davos: The way you say “onion smuggler” makes it sound like it’s some sort of urban dictionary slang for a guy with big balls that you see wearing tight shorts.
Stannis: Gross.
Davos gets down on his knees.
Davos: If you mean to take my head… then do it now. But I beg you to hear me out first.
Stannis: *sigh* Okay, get on with it.
Davos: A King’s Hand should be able to read and write. And Pylos has been teaching me. See, let me read you this.
He fumbles through his pockets and pulls out a note from a raven.
Davos: *ahem*…
Aaaaaand CLIFFHANGER!
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