Dany looks at a list of cities she’s conquered.
Dany: Yunkai? CHECK! Astapor? CHECK! Okay. So what’s next?
Jorah: Meereen, my queen.
Dany: Oh, sweet! Also, that rhymes.
And so they go to Meereen with their giant army. Along the way, they see a bunch of crucified slave children who are nailed up with one arm pointing to Meereen as if to say, “here is the way!”
Jorah: Oh, how convenient! They made a map for us. How helpful!
Dany: They’re CHILDREN for Christ’s sake, Jorah.
Jorah: Yeah… but… you know… slave children. So it’s not like they matter.
Dany: I WILL AVENGE THEM!
They keep marching and finally they get there to Mereen. But somebody has obviously called ahead and let Meereen know about it, because the city has locked up all its gates and put armed men all over the walls. The soldiers pull out their little pink things and urinate in the direction of Dany and her army as a sign of defiance.
Eventually, the gate opens and one solider comes out.
Oznak zo Pahl: I AM OZNAK ZO PAHL!
Not Barristan: Shhh! You don’t have to speak in allcaps.
Oznak: Oh. Right. Sorry. Anyway, I am Meereen’s greatest champion. I will fight Dany’s greatest champion in single combat.
Dany: Oh, cool. So something like if we lose then we turn and leave but if we win… you’ll open up the gates to the city and let us in?
Oznak: No.
Dany: Then why should I agree to it?
Oznak: I dunno. It’s just sort of a thing we do. Like for honor and stuff.
Jorah: Please Dany! Let me have the honor!
Dany: Hahaha… YOU think you’re my greatest champion, Jorah? That’s pretty damn rich. No. I’d rather give it to fucking Strong Belwas.
Jorah: What? Really? Strong Belwas? He’s an absolutely worthless, throw-away character. He’s not even in the TV show. He’s some fat, emo weirdo that likes to cut himself. Absolutely nobody cares about him. At least in the TV show you sent out Daario.
Dany: Mmm. Daario. Yessssssssss.
She starts touching herself at the mention of his name.
Not Barristan: YOUR GRACE! Not in public!
Dany: Oh right. Right *ahem* Sorry about that. Look, Daario is actually too precious to me to send out to fight. Strong Belwas is… well… exactly like you said, Jorah. Totally fucking expendable. So if we lose nobody will care. Like Oznak said, there is literally NOTHING on the line for who wins or lose.
So they send Belwas in.
Strong Belwas: STRONG BELWAS SPEAKS IN THIRD PERSON! PLEASE CUT STRONG BELWAS!
Oznak: Hey. I thought we weren’t supposed to be doing that allcaps thing.
Oznak strikes Belwas with his blade and cuts him open.
Strong Belwas: OOOH! THAT GETS OFF STRONG BELWAS. STRONG BELWAS IS SO HARD.
Oznak: Ugh. Gross.
While Oznak is being disgusted by Strong Belwas’s fetish, Belwas stabs him to death. Strong Belwas then crouches down and takes a giant dump on his corpse.
Dany: Nasty. It was much better in the show when it was peeing and it was… mmMmmm… Daario. *starts fanning her loins*
Strong Belwas comes back and they take a look at his wounds.
Dany: You know my husband died from an infection from a wound like that. But then again a crazy gypsy woman did probably put some poison in him or something. Still, you need to gets some hydrogen peroxide and some Neosporin.
She sends him off and then talks to the rest of her battle commanders.
Dany: Well… what next? Killing their hero doesn’t make them open the gates to the city or anything. What should our strategy be?
Jorah: I say we just leave. It’s Westeros we want… not Meereen. Why cares? The cost would be too high. We’d waste all of our good slaves fighting them.
Dany: Slaves?
Jorah: Huh?
Dany: You called them slaves. They’re not slaves anymore. I freed them.
Jorah: Oh right. Slaves. Brown people. Whatever. Same thing.
Dany: You are THE WORST, Jorah. How does anybody like you at all?
Brown Ben Plumm: HELLO! Speaking of Brown people… I am Brown Ben Plumm! The new leader of the Second Sons!
Dany: What the hell? We’re introducing MORE new characters?
Brown Ben: Yes. The old commander, Mero, fled and hid when you attacked him at night. But the rest of the forces abandoned him and joined team Dany. I now lead them.
Dany: So what happened to Mero?
Brown Ben: He’s gone. He fled.
Dany: Did anyone LOOK for him particularly hard?
Brown Ben: Meh. Sort of. ANYWAY, I wanted to tell you something. I used to be in Meereen. Except I figured out how to sneak out. I used the sewer system. Oh man, I waded through tons and tons of human feces to sneak out. Just like Shawshank Redemption. It was rough, but I escaped!
Jorah: Gross. Is that why they call you Brown Ben?
Brown Ben: No. Man, you are just the MOST RACIST guy there could be, huh Jorah? I’m not even totally black, you know. I’m mixed. I’m part Targaryen!
Dany: You’re shitting me.
Brown Ben: Nah, I’m not, cuz. See how your dragon likes me?
He pets Drogon. Drogon starts purring.
Dany: Hrmm. Maybe.
Brown Ben: I have another relative with a six foot cock as well. Because… you know… the other part of me is black.
Dany: Are you hitting on me?
Brown Ben: Maybe.
Dany: Protip for the next time you want to hit on a girl, Brown Ben… start with the “six foot cock” thing. Don’t start with, “we are probably related.”
Brown Ben: Ah right. I see now how that was a flawed strategy. Although aren’t you… uhh… I mean aren’t WE Targaryens into that kind of stuff?
Dany: Get to the point, Brown Ben Plumm. Why did you bring up your crawling through shit story? Are you trying to tell me that if there is a way out through the sewer… then there must also be a way in through the sewer? Just like in—
Brown Ben: --Yes, exactly Khaleesi. Just like in Act II of Diablo III.
Dany: Exactly what I was going to say. The Caldeum act. Okay, I’m a little leery of this idea but I wish to think more on it.
Brown Ben: Okay. Where do you plan on thinking about it?
Dany: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just wander off on my own into the giant crowds of followers who surround me.
Brown Ben: Sounds reasonable.
And so Dany wanders off into the giant crowd of thousands upon thousands of people who now follow her army around.
Guy: Hey there!
Dany: Hi. Who are you? Gosh, that’s a strange set of glasses and mustache you have.
The guy takes the glasses and mustache off.
Titan's Bastard: IT IS ME! MERO! I was hiding in your camp of followers!
Dany: AGH!!! MERO, AKA THE TITAN'S BASTARD, AKA the 700th different douchebag character who makes sexist, crude and violent sexual comments about me!
Mero tries to kill her, but Not Barristan shows up.
Not Barristan: I’ll rescue you, Khaleesi!
Titan's Bastard: What? No way you can beat me, old man!
Not Barristan: Wanna bet?
Titan's Bastard: Yeah! Let’s fight! I bet I’ll kick you’re a—
Not Barristan quickly murders him.
Dany: Oh wow. That was a REALLY FAST fight.
Not Barristan: Well yeah, I am a really good knight.
Dany: KNIGHT? I thought you said you were a SQUIRE.
Not Barristan: Uhm… I…. ermm… uhh…
Jorah decides to show up too.
Jorah: Why, I’d recognize that fighting style ANYWHERE! I wonder why it took me so long to recognize you. Probably because I’m stupid like Lois Lane.
Dany: What? Who is it, Jorah? WHO IS IT?
Jorah: Khaleesi… the man who has pretending to be “NOT BARRISTAN” this whole time is actually…………… BARRISTAN!
Dany: *gasp*
Everyone Else: *the opposite of gasp, whatever that is*
Barristan: Yes. It’s true. I am Barristan Selmy. Former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Dany: Right. And when my father was murdered, you turned on the Targaryens and became loyal to Robert the Usurper!
Barristan: I admit it, and it shames me. But when Joffrey cast me aside… I knew I had no choice but to find the TRUE KING! Which… you know… I suppose wound up being a QUEEN. I be your forgiveness for concealing the truth from you, but I knew that I could not reveal this truth to you because I was in Small Council meetings for King Robert where I learned that VARYS THE SPIDER HAS A SPY FROM WESTEROS IN YOUR CAMP, WATCHING YOU!
Dunn dunnnnn DUNNNNNNNN!!!!
Dany: A SPY! But who… who could that be?
Dany looks around, desperately trying to figure out who the SPY FROM WESTEROS could possibly be. You know. Since that’s a really tough one to call. What with there being only one other human being from Westeros in her entire camp of followers.
Jorah: *whistles innocently*
Dany: JORAH!!!!!
Jorah: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Come ooooon! *holds hands up*
Dany: Tell me this isn’t true, Jorah!
Jorah: Maybe it’s a little true. But that was, like, a long time ago. King Robert promised that I’d be allowed to return home. But that was before… before… before… I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Sitcom Audience: Awwwww!!!
Dany: NO! NO! STOP THAT! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! SOMEONE EXECUTE THAT SITCOM AUDIENCE!
Dany is furious. She remembers the prophecy. She would be betrayed three times. Obviously Jorah is one of those three.
Dany: You know what… fuck the both of you. You damn liars. Jorah, you were going to sell me out. And Barristan, you lied about who you were and previously were part of my enemies. I henceforth BANISH you both.
Jorah: Banish us? But to where?
Dany: Hrm. I’ve got a good idea…
Jorah: Well?
Dany: Oh, I’m not going to tell you know. It’s a cliffhanger.
Jorah: Damnit.
Dany: Yunkai? CHECK! Astapor? CHECK! Okay. So what’s next?
Jorah: Meereen, my queen.
Dany: Oh, sweet! Also, that rhymes.
And so they go to Meereen with their giant army. Along the way, they see a bunch of crucified slave children who are nailed up with one arm pointing to Meereen as if to say, “here is the way!”
Jorah: Oh, how convenient! They made a map for us. How helpful!
Dany: They’re CHILDREN for Christ’s sake, Jorah.
Jorah: Yeah… but… you know… slave children. So it’s not like they matter.
Dany: I WILL AVENGE THEM!
They keep marching and finally they get there to Mereen. But somebody has obviously called ahead and let Meereen know about it, because the city has locked up all its gates and put armed men all over the walls. The soldiers pull out their little pink things and urinate in the direction of Dany and her army as a sign of defiance.
Eventually, the gate opens and one solider comes out.
Oznak zo Pahl: I AM OZNAK ZO PAHL!
Not Barristan: Shhh! You don’t have to speak in allcaps.
Oznak: Oh. Right. Sorry. Anyway, I am Meereen’s greatest champion. I will fight Dany’s greatest champion in single combat.
Dany: Oh, cool. So something like if we lose then we turn and leave but if we win… you’ll open up the gates to the city and let us in?
Oznak: No.
Dany: Then why should I agree to it?
Oznak: I dunno. It’s just sort of a thing we do. Like for honor and stuff.
Jorah: Please Dany! Let me have the honor!
Dany: Hahaha… YOU think you’re my greatest champion, Jorah? That’s pretty damn rich. No. I’d rather give it to fucking Strong Belwas.
Jorah: What? Really? Strong Belwas? He’s an absolutely worthless, throw-away character. He’s not even in the TV show. He’s some fat, emo weirdo that likes to cut himself. Absolutely nobody cares about him. At least in the TV show you sent out Daario.
Dany: Mmm. Daario. Yessssssssss.
She starts touching herself at the mention of his name.
Not Barristan: YOUR GRACE! Not in public!
Dany: Oh right. Right *ahem* Sorry about that. Look, Daario is actually too precious to me to send out to fight. Strong Belwas is… well… exactly like you said, Jorah. Totally fucking expendable. So if we lose nobody will care. Like Oznak said, there is literally NOTHING on the line for who wins or lose.
So they send Belwas in.
Strong Belwas: STRONG BELWAS SPEAKS IN THIRD PERSON! PLEASE CUT STRONG BELWAS!
Oznak: Hey. I thought we weren’t supposed to be doing that allcaps thing.
Oznak strikes Belwas with his blade and cuts him open.
Strong Belwas: OOOH! THAT GETS OFF STRONG BELWAS. STRONG BELWAS IS SO HARD.
Oznak: Ugh. Gross.
While Oznak is being disgusted by Strong Belwas’s fetish, Belwas stabs him to death. Strong Belwas then crouches down and takes a giant dump on his corpse.
Dany: Nasty. It was much better in the show when it was peeing and it was… mmMmmm… Daario. *starts fanning her loins*
Strong Belwas comes back and they take a look at his wounds.
Dany: You know my husband died from an infection from a wound like that. But then again a crazy gypsy woman did probably put some poison in him or something. Still, you need to gets some hydrogen peroxide and some Neosporin.
She sends him off and then talks to the rest of her battle commanders.
Dany: Well… what next? Killing their hero doesn’t make them open the gates to the city or anything. What should our strategy be?
Jorah: I say we just leave. It’s Westeros we want… not Meereen. Why cares? The cost would be too high. We’d waste all of our good slaves fighting them.
Dany: Slaves?
Jorah: Huh?
Dany: You called them slaves. They’re not slaves anymore. I freed them.
Jorah: Oh right. Slaves. Brown people. Whatever. Same thing.
Dany: You are THE WORST, Jorah. How does anybody like you at all?
Brown Ben Plumm: HELLO! Speaking of Brown people… I am Brown Ben Plumm! The new leader of the Second Sons!
Dany: What the hell? We’re introducing MORE new characters?
Brown Ben: Yes. The old commander, Mero, fled and hid when you attacked him at night. But the rest of the forces abandoned him and joined team Dany. I now lead them.
Dany: So what happened to Mero?
Brown Ben: He’s gone. He fled.
Dany: Did anyone LOOK for him particularly hard?
Brown Ben: Meh. Sort of. ANYWAY, I wanted to tell you something. I used to be in Meereen. Except I figured out how to sneak out. I used the sewer system. Oh man, I waded through tons and tons of human feces to sneak out. Just like Shawshank Redemption. It was rough, but I escaped!
Jorah: Gross. Is that why they call you Brown Ben?
Brown Ben: No. Man, you are just the MOST RACIST guy there could be, huh Jorah? I’m not even totally black, you know. I’m mixed. I’m part Targaryen!
Dany: You’re shitting me.
Brown Ben: Nah, I’m not, cuz. See how your dragon likes me?
He pets Drogon. Drogon starts purring.
Dany: Hrmm. Maybe.
Brown Ben: I have another relative with a six foot cock as well. Because… you know… the other part of me is black.
Dany: Are you hitting on me?
Brown Ben: Maybe.
Dany: Protip for the next time you want to hit on a girl, Brown Ben… start with the “six foot cock” thing. Don’t start with, “we are probably related.”
Brown Ben: Ah right. I see now how that was a flawed strategy. Although aren’t you… uhh… I mean aren’t WE Targaryens into that kind of stuff?
Dany: Get to the point, Brown Ben Plumm. Why did you bring up your crawling through shit story? Are you trying to tell me that if there is a way out through the sewer… then there must also be a way in through the sewer? Just like in—
Brown Ben: --Yes, exactly Khaleesi. Just like in Act II of Diablo III.
Dany: Exactly what I was going to say. The Caldeum act. Okay, I’m a little leery of this idea but I wish to think more on it.
Brown Ben: Okay. Where do you plan on thinking about it?
Dany: Oh, I don’t know. Maybe I’ll just wander off on my own into the giant crowds of followers who surround me.
Brown Ben: Sounds reasonable.
And so Dany wanders off into the giant crowd of thousands upon thousands of people who now follow her army around.
Guy: Hey there!
Dany: Hi. Who are you? Gosh, that’s a strange set of glasses and mustache you have.
The guy takes the glasses and mustache off.
Titan's Bastard: IT IS ME! MERO! I was hiding in your camp of followers!
Dany: AGH!!! MERO, AKA THE TITAN'S BASTARD, AKA the 700th different douchebag character who makes sexist, crude and violent sexual comments about me!
Mero tries to kill her, but Not Barristan shows up.
Not Barristan: I’ll rescue you, Khaleesi!
Titan's Bastard: What? No way you can beat me, old man!
Not Barristan: Wanna bet?
Titan's Bastard: Yeah! Let’s fight! I bet I’ll kick you’re a—
Not Barristan quickly murders him.
Dany: Oh wow. That was a REALLY FAST fight.
Not Barristan: Well yeah, I am a really good knight.
Dany: KNIGHT? I thought you said you were a SQUIRE.
Not Barristan: Uhm… I…. ermm… uhh…
Jorah decides to show up too.
Jorah: Why, I’d recognize that fighting style ANYWHERE! I wonder why it took me so long to recognize you. Probably because I’m stupid like Lois Lane.
Dany: What? Who is it, Jorah? WHO IS IT?
Jorah: Khaleesi… the man who has pretending to be “NOT BARRISTAN” this whole time is actually…………… BARRISTAN!
Dany: *gasp*
Everyone Else: *the opposite of gasp, whatever that is*
Barristan: Yes. It’s true. I am Barristan Selmy. Former Lord Commander of the Kingsguard.
Dany: Right. And when my father was murdered, you turned on the Targaryens and became loyal to Robert the Usurper!
Barristan: I admit it, and it shames me. But when Joffrey cast me aside… I knew I had no choice but to find the TRUE KING! Which… you know… I suppose wound up being a QUEEN. I be your forgiveness for concealing the truth from you, but I knew that I could not reveal this truth to you because I was in Small Council meetings for King Robert where I learned that VARYS THE SPIDER HAS A SPY FROM WESTEROS IN YOUR CAMP, WATCHING YOU!
Dunn dunnnnn DUNNNNNNNN!!!!
Dany: A SPY! But who… who could that be?
Dany looks around, desperately trying to figure out who the SPY FROM WESTEROS could possibly be. You know. Since that’s a really tough one to call. What with there being only one other human being from Westeros in her entire camp of followers.
Jorah: *whistles innocently*
Dany: JORAH!!!!!
Jorah: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat? Come ooooon! *holds hands up*
Dany: Tell me this isn’t true, Jorah!
Jorah: Maybe it’s a little true. But that was, like, a long time ago. King Robert promised that I’d be allowed to return home. But that was before… before… before… I FELL IN LOVE WITH YOU!
Sitcom Audience: Awwwww!!!
Dany: NO! NO! STOP THAT! STOP THAT RIGHT NOW! SOMEONE EXECUTE THAT SITCOM AUDIENCE!
Dany is furious. She remembers the prophecy. She would be betrayed three times. Obviously Jorah is one of those three.
Dany: You know what… fuck the both of you. You damn liars. Jorah, you were going to sell me out. And Barristan, you lied about who you were and previously were part of my enemies. I henceforth BANISH you both.
Jorah: Banish us? But to where?
Dany: Hrm. I’ve got a good idea…
Jorah: Well?
Dany: Oh, I’m not going to tell you know. It’s a cliffhanger.
Jorah: Damnit.
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