Sansa runs from the throne room, as fast as she can to the godswood. Just like the plan was all along.
Sansa: Why am I crying? I want to DANCE WITH FUCKING JOY. Joffrey is dead! DEAD! DEAD! I want to post this as my status on Facebook and then have one of my old friends from high school be like, “HEY ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR THE SPOILER, I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!” and then I’d be all like, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I was just so excited that Joffrey died, I had to scream it out in joy to the world. Besides, you know GoT is a must-watch-live show. If you don’t want spoilers, you need to stay off the internet. Don’t just think you can go on the internet if you haven’t watched GoT and you don’t want everything spoiled.” Then my friend would be like, “What a bullshit apology, you said ‘I’m sorry’ but it rang as totally inauthentic because you still tried to shift blame to me. I don’t think you’re sorry at all. I hate non-apology apologies where people are like, “Oh, well I’M SORRY that YOU’RE offended.’ Those are the WORST.” Then I’ll be like, “Look, I’m legitimately sorry. Can we get past this and be friends?” And then…
Sansa arrives at the godswood.
Sansa: Oh. What was I talking about again? Whatever, it wasn’t important. Maybe I was crying for Robb. Or for Margaery. Twice married and twice widowed. Yikes.
In the godswood, she changes into her hidden “escape” clothes that she’s been saving wand waits for Dontos. As she changes, she takes off her hairnet.
Sansa: Oh no! It looks like I lost one of those EXPENSIVE, RARE, AMETHYSTS IN MY HAIRNET! I wonder what happened to it! No… wait… this thin looks really cheap now. This wasn’t an expensive, magical hairnet at all. I think this came from the dollar store.
Dontos finally arrives, and (as usual) he is SUPER drunk.
Sansa: Hey… what’s up, bitch? One of the stones in this hairnet fell out. Is this thing from the Marshalls discount rack?
Dontos: Oh, no. It didn’t fall out. Those purple amesyths… asme… ameth… .damnit…. I can’t say that word. Anyway, they are actually “the Strangler” poison crystals. That’s what killed Joffrey.
Sansa: WHAT?!
Dontos: Yeah. Totally. Hey, do you know a good ramen shop around here? I am so hung over. Nothing makes me feel better after a bad hangover than a bowl of ramen. And maybe a little hair of the dog!
He takes out another bottle and starts drinking.
Sansa: DUDE! Shut up about RAMEN! You’ve made me an accessory to the murder of Joffrey!
Dontos: Yeah, I guess.
Sansa: That’s… that’s… that’s…. SO… FUCKING… AWESOME!!!!
Dontos: Yeah. It is. You know who loved ramen? Joffrey! Too bad he just choked on that pie.
Sansa: You said he was poisoned.
Dontos: No I didn’t. He choked on pie.
Sansa: Dude, you are drunk and have no idea what you are talking about. I don’t know what to believe. Maybe Tyrion killed Joffrey.
Dontos: Well, he’s been arrested for it.
Sansa: Oh.
Dontos: And you will be too! If we don’t get out of here SOON! We need to go NOW! And by now I mean after I find some ramen. But it has to be a shoyu ramen place. I don’t do shio ramen. Too salty. And I like how the shoyu ramen tastes different at every different ramen place because they typically all use unique, homemade soy sauce blends. You really get a variant of flavor profiles. Unique tastes are good. I don’t want the same taste every time I go for ramen. I don’t want ramen places to be all uniform and boring like McDonalds where you know exactly what you’re going to get. Food should be an adventure that you—
Sansa slaps Dontos.
Sansa: I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! If Tyrion killed Joffrey, they will assume I was part of the plot! Let’s go!
Dontos: Okay. Okay. But give your Florian a kiss first, my beautiful Jonquil.
Sansa: No.
Dontos: Fair enough.
And so they leave the godswood and head for a steep cliff.
Dontos: This way! This cliff leads down to the river where a rowboat will be waiting for us!
Sansa: Dude, I can’t climb down a cliff. Look at this! I’m wearing heels!
Dontos: Then take them off and leave them behind!
Sansa: These are Christian Louboutin Eklectica 85mm Red Sole Pumps and they cost $900. I am not taking them off and leaving them behind.
Dontos: Oh, well then I guess you’ll get captured and die.
Sansa: GODDAMNIT. You know climbing on perilous structures like this is exactly how my brother, Bran, got crippled.
She takes them off and climbs down. She makes it, because it would be rather anticlimactic if after all this, Sansa died in a rock-climbing incident.
They get to the row boat where a man named Oswell is waiting.
Oswell: Hi, I’m Oswell.
Sansa: Hrm. There is something suspiciously familiar about you but it won't be revealed until my next POV chapter.
Oswell: Shut up.
Sansa: Rude.
Oswell: No, seriously. Be quiet. We need to sneak out of here and not be noticed. SHHH!
Oswell rows the boat out to the bay and they get to a trading galley ship. She and Oswell climb up the ladder to the ship, where they find Ser Lothor Brune.
Sansa: Do I know you?
Lothor: Yes. I was at the Hand's tourney in King's Landing. I defeated Jory Cassel. Then I was at Joffrey’s tourney where I was supposed to fight Dontos, until he showed up all drunk. That’s when you saved him from being executed by Joffrey.
Sansa: Oh wow. You are a SUPER MINOR character.
Lothor: Shut up.
Sansa: Why does everyone keep telling me that?
Dontos begins to climb up the ladder.
Dontos: Lord Petyr! Lord Petyr! I need to row back now, before they think to look for me.
Sansa: Petyr? What is this guy talking ab—
And then Petyr Baelish shows up on the boat.
Littlefinger: Oh hey, Sansa. *winks*
Sansa: Creepy.
Littlefinger: So you want your payment then, Dontos? What was it again? Ten thousand dragons?
Dontos: Yeah!
Littlefinger: Ser Lothar, give this man what he deserves.
Lothar: Aye.
Lothar pulls out a crossbow and shoots Dontos. He falls into the bay and dies.
Sansa: HOLY SHIT!!!!! WHAAAT THE FUUUUUCK!?!?!
Littlefinger: Hahaha, I know, right? Hilarious.
Sansa: He… he… HE HELPED ME!
Littlefinger: No, I helped you. He just did it for the money. He’s a drunk. He would sell us out to Cersei or Varys in a second. The only way to ensure his silence was to kill him. He had nothing to do with any of this. He was just my agent. I was the one who masterminded the whole thing. I sent you the notes to meet in the godswood. I just couldn’t be there myself to meet you. Varys would have known and found out. It had to be this way, my sweet, hot, young child.
Lothar: Technically, I think I just won the scheduled match between me and Dontos now. I mean I know it’s been delayed by the good part of two books. Still. We were supposed to fight. I win.
Littlefinger: I’m so happy for you, Lothar. Now Sansa, come below the deck with me. You must be exhausted.
Sansa: So… so… I’m LEAVING King’s Landing. For real?
Littlefinger: Yes. And hey… did you like those jousting dwarves I sent to Joffrey as a gift? Hahaha… hilarious. I knew that Joffrey would LOVE that and that it would make Tyrion even MORE of a suspect in his murder. You’re really going to love being a widow after they execute him.
Sansa: Why… why do all this? What was your motive?
Littlefinger: CHAOS IS A LADDER!
Sansa: Huh?
Littlefinger: I mean… I had no motive. Sometimes you need to do things that make no sense. You need to throw off your enemies in the game of thrones. You know I once—
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Sansa: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back overboard into the bay.
Littlefinger: …*ahem* Anyway, You know I once loved your mother. You could have been my daughter if things had turned out right. My smoking hot, sexy, sexy daughter. Sexy as hell.
Sansa: Eww. You’re being such a creepy Donald Trump right now.
Littlefinger: Rest easy, my daughter. You can forget about Joffrey and Kings Landing and the Lannsisters. You’re sailing to safety now… you’re sailing HOME!
Sansa: Oh good! HOME! Winterfell!
Littlefinger: Ehhh… not exactly.
Sansa: Why am I crying? I want to DANCE WITH FUCKING JOY. Joffrey is dead! DEAD! DEAD! I want to post this as my status on Facebook and then have one of my old friends from high school be like, “HEY ASSHOLE, THANKS FOR THE SPOILER, I HAVEN’T SEEN IT YET!” and then I’d be all like, “Oh, I’m so sorry. I was just so excited that Joffrey died, I had to scream it out in joy to the world. Besides, you know GoT is a must-watch-live show. If you don’t want spoilers, you need to stay off the internet. Don’t just think you can go on the internet if you haven’t watched GoT and you don’t want everything spoiled.” Then my friend would be like, “What a bullshit apology, you said ‘I’m sorry’ but it rang as totally inauthentic because you still tried to shift blame to me. I don’t think you’re sorry at all. I hate non-apology apologies where people are like, “Oh, well I’M SORRY that YOU’RE offended.’ Those are the WORST.” Then I’ll be like, “Look, I’m legitimately sorry. Can we get past this and be friends?” And then…
Sansa arrives at the godswood.
Sansa: Oh. What was I talking about again? Whatever, it wasn’t important. Maybe I was crying for Robb. Or for Margaery. Twice married and twice widowed. Yikes.
In the godswood, she changes into her hidden “escape” clothes that she’s been saving wand waits for Dontos. As she changes, she takes off her hairnet.
Sansa: Oh no! It looks like I lost one of those EXPENSIVE, RARE, AMETHYSTS IN MY HAIRNET! I wonder what happened to it! No… wait… this thin looks really cheap now. This wasn’t an expensive, magical hairnet at all. I think this came from the dollar store.
Dontos finally arrives, and (as usual) he is SUPER drunk.
Sansa: Hey… what’s up, bitch? One of the stones in this hairnet fell out. Is this thing from the Marshalls discount rack?
Dontos: Oh, no. It didn’t fall out. Those purple amesyths… asme… ameth… .damnit…. I can’t say that word. Anyway, they are actually “the Strangler” poison crystals. That’s what killed Joffrey.
Sansa: WHAT?!
Dontos: Yeah. Totally. Hey, do you know a good ramen shop around here? I am so hung over. Nothing makes me feel better after a bad hangover than a bowl of ramen. And maybe a little hair of the dog!
He takes out another bottle and starts drinking.
Sansa: DUDE! Shut up about RAMEN! You’ve made me an accessory to the murder of Joffrey!
Dontos: Yeah, I guess.
Sansa: That’s… that’s… that’s…. SO… FUCKING… AWESOME!!!!
Dontos: Yeah. It is. You know who loved ramen? Joffrey! Too bad he just choked on that pie.
Sansa: You said he was poisoned.
Dontos: No I didn’t. He choked on pie.
Sansa: Dude, you are drunk and have no idea what you are talking about. I don’t know what to believe. Maybe Tyrion killed Joffrey.
Dontos: Well, he’s been arrested for it.
Sansa: Oh.
Dontos: And you will be too! If we don’t get out of here SOON! We need to go NOW! And by now I mean after I find some ramen. But it has to be a shoyu ramen place. I don’t do shio ramen. Too salty. And I like how the shoyu ramen tastes different at every different ramen place because they typically all use unique, homemade soy sauce blends. You really get a variant of flavor profiles. Unique tastes are good. I don’t want the same taste every time I go for ramen. I don’t want ramen places to be all uniform and boring like McDonalds where you know exactly what you’re going to get. Food should be an adventure that you—
Sansa slaps Dontos.
Sansa: I’VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE! If Tyrion killed Joffrey, they will assume I was part of the plot! Let’s go!
Dontos: Okay. Okay. But give your Florian a kiss first, my beautiful Jonquil.
Sansa: No.
Dontos: Fair enough.
And so they leave the godswood and head for a steep cliff.
Dontos: This way! This cliff leads down to the river where a rowboat will be waiting for us!
Sansa: Dude, I can’t climb down a cliff. Look at this! I’m wearing heels!
Dontos: Then take them off and leave them behind!
Sansa: These are Christian Louboutin Eklectica 85mm Red Sole Pumps and they cost $900. I am not taking them off and leaving them behind.
Dontos: Oh, well then I guess you’ll get captured and die.
Sansa: GODDAMNIT. You know climbing on perilous structures like this is exactly how my brother, Bran, got crippled.
She takes them off and climbs down. She makes it, because it would be rather anticlimactic if after all this, Sansa died in a rock-climbing incident.
They get to the row boat where a man named Oswell is waiting.
Oswell: Hi, I’m Oswell.
Sansa: Hrm. There is something suspiciously familiar about you but it won't be revealed until my next POV chapter.
Oswell: Shut up.
Sansa: Rude.
Oswell: No, seriously. Be quiet. We need to sneak out of here and not be noticed. SHHH!
Oswell rows the boat out to the bay and they get to a trading galley ship. She and Oswell climb up the ladder to the ship, where they find Ser Lothor Brune.
Sansa: Do I know you?
Lothor: Yes. I was at the Hand's tourney in King's Landing. I defeated Jory Cassel. Then I was at Joffrey’s tourney where I was supposed to fight Dontos, until he showed up all drunk. That’s when you saved him from being executed by Joffrey.
Sansa: Oh wow. You are a SUPER MINOR character.
Lothor: Shut up.
Sansa: Why does everyone keep telling me that?
Dontos begins to climb up the ladder.
Dontos: Lord Petyr! Lord Petyr! I need to row back now, before they think to look for me.
Sansa: Petyr? What is this guy talking ab—
And then Petyr Baelish shows up on the boat.
Littlefinger: Oh hey, Sansa. *winks*
Sansa: Creepy.
Littlefinger: So you want your payment then, Dontos? What was it again? Ten thousand dragons?
Dontos: Yeah!
Littlefinger: Ser Lothar, give this man what he deserves.
Lothar: Aye.
Lothar pulls out a crossbow and shoots Dontos. He falls into the bay and dies.
Sansa: HOLY SHIT!!!!! WHAAAT THE FUUUUUCK!?!?!
Littlefinger: Hahaha, I know, right? Hilarious.
Sansa: He… he… HE HELPED ME!
Littlefinger: No, I helped you. He just did it for the money. He’s a drunk. He would sell us out to Cersei or Varys in a second. The only way to ensure his silence was to kill him. He had nothing to do with any of this. He was just my agent. I was the one who masterminded the whole thing. I sent you the notes to meet in the godswood. I just couldn’t be there myself to meet you. Varys would have known and found out. It had to be this way, my sweet, hot, young child.
Lothar: Technically, I think I just won the scheduled match between me and Dontos now. I mean I know it’s been delayed by the good part of two books. Still. We were supposed to fight. I win.
Littlefinger: I’m so happy for you, Lothar. Now Sansa, come below the deck with me. You must be exhausted.
Sansa: So… so… I’m LEAVING King’s Landing. For real?
Littlefinger: Yes. And hey… did you like those jousting dwarves I sent to Joffrey as a gift? Hahaha… hilarious. I knew that Joffrey would LOVE that and that it would make Tyrion even MORE of a suspect in his murder. You’re really going to love being a widow after they execute him.
Sansa: Why… why do all this? What was your motive?
Littlefinger: CHAOS IS A LADDER!
Sansa: Huh?
Littlefinger: I mean… I had no motive. Sometimes you need to do things that make no sense. You need to throw off your enemies in the game of thrones. You know I once—
Alarms start flashing and horns sound. Chairry, Magic Screen, Pterri, Mr. Window, Clockey, Conky 2000 and all the others start shouting wildly and flailing their arms/wings/seat cushions/whatever they have around. The text "Game of Thrones" flashes again and again.
Sansa: What the hell?
Cowboy Curtis: He just said the Secret Word!
Pee-Wee: HEH-HEH!!
And as quickly as they all appeared, they all vanish right back overboard into the bay.
Littlefinger: …*ahem* Anyway, You know I once loved your mother. You could have been my daughter if things had turned out right. My smoking hot, sexy, sexy daughter. Sexy as hell.
Sansa: Eww. You’re being such a creepy Donald Trump right now.
Littlefinger: Rest easy, my daughter. You can forget about Joffrey and Kings Landing and the Lannsisters. You’re sailing to safety now… you’re sailing HOME!
Sansa: Oh good! HOME! Winterfell!
Littlefinger: Ehhh… not exactly.
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