Tyrion is locked up in his quarters. At least he's not in those dark dungeons below the Red Keep though! His uncle, Ser Kevan, comes in to visit him.
Tyrion: Oh great. What news do you have for me?
Kevan: Your trial is supposed to begin soon. The Hand of the King will serve as the head judge.
Tyrion: Conflict of interest much? He’s my father and he HATES ME. He blames me for the death of his wife. And he’s also the grandfather of the murder victim. That doesn’t really seem like an efficient justice system.
Kevan: Well, that’s just how justice works in medieval societies. He’s not the only one who is judge though. Lord Tyrell and Prince Oberyn will also be there.
Tyrion: Great. A sycophantic yes-man who will do anything that my father says… and a guy who has sworn revenge on all Lannisters. This should go well for me. They’re going to find me guilty, aren’t they?
Kevan: No, no! Of course not. It will be totally fair. *shifty eyes*
Tyrion: Am I allowed to have a trial by combat instead?
Kevan: Yeah, you are. But please note that Cersei has recalled The Mountain to Kings Landing. If you ask for a Trial by Combat, she will name Ser Gregor as her champion.
Tyrion: Damnit. Well, I guess a trial it is then. When will I be allowed to gather witnesses for my defense and interview them?
Kevan: Never. You’re stuck in this room.
Tyrion: DAMN IT. Can I have Podrick do it for me?
Kevan: I guess. But you’ll need to be quick about it. Your trial starts… like… super soon.
Tyrion: Ugh. Just send me Pod. I’m innocent!
Kevan: Whatever you say, dood.
After quite some time... Pod shows up.
Pod: Okay, Ser Kevan told me that you wanted me to gather up a bunch of witnesses for you and interview them. Just give me the list of witnesses you want to testify on your behalf.
Tyrion: Uhhmmm… I… ah… haven’t been able to think of any.
Pod: Well, that’s the beginning of a fairly shitty defense strategy.
Tyrion: JUST SEND ME BRONN!
Pod: Okay, okay.
Pod leaves. But this time he definitely doesn’t return for a couple of days. In the meantime, Kevan returns and asks him about that whole witnesses thing.
Tyrion: Uhh… Sansa?
Kevan: She’s gone.
Tyrion: Figures.
Kevan: Also, Your trial starts in three days.
Tyrion: DAMN IT!
A day later, Pod finally returns with Bronn.
Tyrion: Took you long enough!
Bronn: Yeah, and you’re not going to like what I have to say. I’m scheduled to marry Lollys.
Tyrion: The fat, pregnant, ugly girl?
Bronn: Yep. But Lollys is the second-in-line to the Stokeworth heir. Her mother is up there in age and her older sister is sickly and barren. So, you know, that might make me a castle owner.
Tyrion: Ugh. I hate this “Bronn wants his castle” meme. Enough already!
Bronn: You once offered to double any bribe I was given.
Tyrion: I DID! And I still do! Fight on my behalf in trial by combat and you will have it all!
Bronn: Hahaha. No. You can’t really offer me gold, can you? You’re disowned and locked up by your family. And even if I thought you could pay… it means I have to fight THE MOUNTAIN. I’m not an idiot. Dead men can’t spend gold.
Tyrion: Ugh. Get out of my face then.
Bronn turns to leave. But before he goes…
Bronn: So, what are you going to do then?
Tyrion: I guess I’m just going to have to fight the Mountain myself!
Bronn peaces out. And that’s pretty much the last we see Bronn! But don’t worry… he’ll be back for some scenes of minor and unmemorable importance related to the potential inheritance of the Stokeworth estates in A Feast for Crows. Will he team up with Jaime Lannister and start going all over Westeros with him? NOPE.
Tyrion: Okay Pod. I'm obviously not really going to fight the Mountain myself. What am I going to do? Find wherever Shagga, Timett, or Randy Savage got to?
Pod: *shrugs*
Tyrion: No, of course not. They'd be impossible to find. They've gone back to their homelands in the Vale. Damn! Damn! Damn!
And so the next two days go by. Tyrion still can't call any other witnesses because Sansa remains missing. As a fun fact - Tyrion also learns that Dontos the fool is ALSO missing. But then again nobody gives a shit about Dontos.
Tywin: Well, trial time!
Tyrion: WHAT?! I thought I had three days!
Tywin: Yes. Remember, Kevan said you had three days. Then after that the narrator said it took another day for Pod and Bronn to return, and then after that another two days passed. That makes three.
And so everyone is in the court room now and Tyrion is on trial.
Tyrion: Geez, that was a quick three days.
Tywin: So did you kill Joffrey?
Tyrion: No.
Tywin: Well, I guess that settles it then. You're innocent. Trial over.
Tyrion: What? Really?
Tywin: Nah, just fucking with you. NEXT QUESTION... did Sansa kill Joffrey?
Tyrion: I... uh... don't really know, dad. If you ask me... the GODS killed Joffrey by having him choke on a pie for being such a little shit.
Twyin: Nope. It was poison. Now shut up, as we call the first witness. I CALL... SER BALON SWANN!
Tyrion: Balon Swann? Really? What does he have to say about me?
Balon: Hey look man, I don't think Tyrion killed Joffrey.
Tyrion: HAHAHA... WOW! If you're trying to use this witness against me... then you really fucked up big time, dad!
Twyin: SILENCE! You will not address the court until it is your turn, Tyrion. Now Ser Balon, please continue.
Balon: Right, so... like I was saying... I don't think Tyrion would do something like that. BUT... Remember when that big riot happened? That day there was all that chaos? Well... after it was all over, Tyrion blamed Joffrey for causing it all and struck him.
Tyrion: Haha, I did. CLASSIC.
Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! The next witness... Ser Meryn Trant!
Trant: *ahem* Well... Yeah, I was there too. What Ser Balon said is true. Tyrion hit him. And he also used to always defend Sansa against the king. When the king was with Sansa, Tyrion would always take her side!
Tyrion: BECAUSE HE WAS BEATING HER!
Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! THAT TESTIMONY IS INADMISSIBLE! Next up... the Kettleblacks!
Both the Kettleblacks come up to testify. Which one is speaking? Who cares, they're pretty much interchangable at this point in the story.
Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, so, I was there when Tyrion was with his sister, the Queen. And he told Cersei, "I will make your joy turn to ashes in your mouth."
Tyrion: --That was in response to her having Alayaya beaten! It had nothing to do with--
Tywin: --INADMISSIBLE! SOMEONE DUCT TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT!
Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, and... uh... Joffrey was always scared of Tyrion. He told me once he was afraid that his uncle would kill him.
Tyrion: --LIAR! LIAR! HOW MUCH IS CERSEI PAYING YOU?
Cersei: FATHER! Can you shut him up?
Tywin: Ugh. I've had ENOUGH of these outbursts. The trial will resume tomorrow. Tyrion, I want no more interruptions or I'm going to find you guilty out of spite.
Tyrion: I mean I might as well keep interrupting then. Because finding me guilty out of spite is exactly what you planned to do anyway, right?
Tywin: *shrugs coyly*
Tyrion is sent back to his room for the night. This seems like as good of a point as any to break this SUPER long chapter in half, huh?
Tyrion: Oh great. What news do you have for me?
Kevan: Your trial is supposed to begin soon. The Hand of the King will serve as the head judge.
Tyrion: Conflict of interest much? He’s my father and he HATES ME. He blames me for the death of his wife. And he’s also the grandfather of the murder victim. That doesn’t really seem like an efficient justice system.
Kevan: Well, that’s just how justice works in medieval societies. He’s not the only one who is judge though. Lord Tyrell and Prince Oberyn will also be there.
Tyrion: Great. A sycophantic yes-man who will do anything that my father says… and a guy who has sworn revenge on all Lannisters. This should go well for me. They’re going to find me guilty, aren’t they?
Kevan: No, no! Of course not. It will be totally fair. *shifty eyes*
Tyrion: Am I allowed to have a trial by combat instead?
Kevan: Yeah, you are. But please note that Cersei has recalled The Mountain to Kings Landing. If you ask for a Trial by Combat, she will name Ser Gregor as her champion.
Tyrion: Damnit. Well, I guess a trial it is then. When will I be allowed to gather witnesses for my defense and interview them?
Kevan: Never. You’re stuck in this room.
Tyrion: DAMN IT. Can I have Podrick do it for me?
Kevan: I guess. But you’ll need to be quick about it. Your trial starts… like… super soon.
Tyrion: Ugh. Just send me Pod. I’m innocent!
Kevan: Whatever you say, dood.
After quite some time... Pod shows up.
Pod: Okay, Ser Kevan told me that you wanted me to gather up a bunch of witnesses for you and interview them. Just give me the list of witnesses you want to testify on your behalf.
Tyrion: Uhhmmm… I… ah… haven’t been able to think of any.
Pod: Well, that’s the beginning of a fairly shitty defense strategy.
Tyrion: JUST SEND ME BRONN!
Pod: Okay, okay.
Pod leaves. But this time he definitely doesn’t return for a couple of days. In the meantime, Kevan returns and asks him about that whole witnesses thing.
Tyrion: Uhh… Sansa?
Kevan: She’s gone.
Tyrion: Figures.
Kevan: Also, Your trial starts in three days.
Tyrion: DAMN IT!
A day later, Pod finally returns with Bronn.
Tyrion: Took you long enough!
Bronn: Yeah, and you’re not going to like what I have to say. I’m scheduled to marry Lollys.
Tyrion: The fat, pregnant, ugly girl?
Bronn: Yep. But Lollys is the second-in-line to the Stokeworth heir. Her mother is up there in age and her older sister is sickly and barren. So, you know, that might make me a castle owner.
Tyrion: Ugh. I hate this “Bronn wants his castle” meme. Enough already!
Bronn: You once offered to double any bribe I was given.
Tyrion: I DID! And I still do! Fight on my behalf in trial by combat and you will have it all!
Bronn: Hahaha. No. You can’t really offer me gold, can you? You’re disowned and locked up by your family. And even if I thought you could pay… it means I have to fight THE MOUNTAIN. I’m not an idiot. Dead men can’t spend gold.
Tyrion: Ugh. Get out of my face then.
Bronn turns to leave. But before he goes…
Bronn: So, what are you going to do then?
Tyrion: I guess I’m just going to have to fight the Mountain myself!
Bronn peaces out. And that’s pretty much the last we see Bronn! But don’t worry… he’ll be back for some scenes of minor and unmemorable importance related to the potential inheritance of the Stokeworth estates in A Feast for Crows. Will he team up with Jaime Lannister and start going all over Westeros with him? NOPE.
Tyrion: Okay Pod. I'm obviously not really going to fight the Mountain myself. What am I going to do? Find wherever Shagga, Timett, or Randy Savage got to?
Pod: *shrugs*
Tyrion: No, of course not. They'd be impossible to find. They've gone back to their homelands in the Vale. Damn! Damn! Damn!
And so the next two days go by. Tyrion still can't call any other witnesses because Sansa remains missing. As a fun fact - Tyrion also learns that Dontos the fool is ALSO missing. But then again nobody gives a shit about Dontos.
Tywin: Well, trial time!
Tyrion: WHAT?! I thought I had three days!
Tywin: Yes. Remember, Kevan said you had three days. Then after that the narrator said it took another day for Pod and Bronn to return, and then after that another two days passed. That makes three.
And so everyone is in the court room now and Tyrion is on trial.
Tyrion: Geez, that was a quick three days.
Tywin: So did you kill Joffrey?
Tyrion: No.
Tywin: Well, I guess that settles it then. You're innocent. Trial over.
Tyrion: What? Really?
Tywin: Nah, just fucking with you. NEXT QUESTION... did Sansa kill Joffrey?
Tyrion: I... uh... don't really know, dad. If you ask me... the GODS killed Joffrey by having him choke on a pie for being such a little shit.
Twyin: Nope. It was poison. Now shut up, as we call the first witness. I CALL... SER BALON SWANN!
Tyrion: Balon Swann? Really? What does he have to say about me?
Balon: Hey look man, I don't think Tyrion killed Joffrey.
Tyrion: HAHAHA... WOW! If you're trying to use this witness against me... then you really fucked up big time, dad!
Twyin: SILENCE! You will not address the court until it is your turn, Tyrion. Now Ser Balon, please continue.
Balon: Right, so... like I was saying... I don't think Tyrion would do something like that. BUT... Remember when that big riot happened? That day there was all that chaos? Well... after it was all over, Tyrion blamed Joffrey for causing it all and struck him.
Tyrion: Haha, I did. CLASSIC.
Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! The next witness... Ser Meryn Trant!
Trant: *ahem* Well... Yeah, I was there too. What Ser Balon said is true. Tyrion hit him. And he also used to always defend Sansa against the king. When the king was with Sansa, Tyrion would always take her side!
Tyrion: BECAUSE HE WAS BEATING HER!
Tywin: ORDER! ORDER! THAT TESTIMONY IS INADMISSIBLE! Next up... the Kettleblacks!
Both the Kettleblacks come up to testify. Which one is speaking? Who cares, they're pretty much interchangable at this point in the story.
Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, so, I was there when Tyrion was with his sister, the Queen. And he told Cersei, "I will make your joy turn to ashes in your mouth."
Tyrion: --That was in response to her having Alayaya beaten! It had nothing to do with--
Tywin: --INADMISSIBLE! SOMEONE DUCT TAPE HIS MOUTH SHUT!
Whoever Kettleblack: Yeah, and... uh... Joffrey was always scared of Tyrion. He told me once he was afraid that his uncle would kill him.
Tyrion: --LIAR! LIAR! HOW MUCH IS CERSEI PAYING YOU?
Cersei: FATHER! Can you shut him up?
Tywin: Ugh. I've had ENOUGH of these outbursts. The trial will resume tomorrow. Tyrion, I want no more interruptions or I'm going to find you guilty out of spite.
Tyrion: I mean I might as well keep interrupting then. Because finding me guilty out of spite is exactly what you planned to do anyway, right?
Tywin: *shrugs coyly*
Tyrion is sent back to his room for the night. This seems like as good of a point as any to break this SUPER long chapter in half, huh?
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