Ned sits on the Iron Throne. It is super uncomfortable. Unlike the TV show throne, this thing is huge. There are steps you need to climb up. It's super tall and has spiky sword blades still sticking out of it. Spending hours on top of it is unbearable. But with King Robert out hunting, that's just what the Hand of the King has to do. In the King's place, Ned hears a bunch of people come up to petition. Varys, Littlefinger and Pycelle stand below him as his small council and listen. All the other folks like Renly are out with the King. But these petitions are open to the public, so a lot of people are standing around watching.
Some Villager: Your majesty, if it pleases you...
Ned: Hahaha, oh brother! Dude, I'm totally not the king. I find it hilarious that you have no clue what your own king looks like.
Ser Karyl Vance: Lord Hand, if I may speak instead. Greetings, I am Ser Karyl Vance, a knight of House Vance of Wayfarer's Rest. I come to you with the petitions of a number of these villagers and smallfolk. There has been chaos in the lands. Many of the smallfolk here are survivors of a recent attack on Sherrer. And look, I don't want to call anyone in particular out -- but it all started as soon as your wife kidnapped Tyrion Lannister. There have been brutalities, rapes, arson, and overall destruction. But these raiders who have come into our lands have not been stealing. They have been just destroying. I am certain that these men are Lannister men!
The Crowd: *GASP*
Ned: A bold accusation, Ser Karyl. What evidence do you have of this being a Lannister attack? Did they wave banners with the lion?
Ser Karyl: Oh, surely you know that they would be too smart to do that. But they have ridden in huge parties of 50 to 100 men. They were well organized and trained. They rode war horses and had good weapons and armor. Common thieves do not have these capabilities and common thieves actually steal things. But the greatest piece of evidence... their leader was a huge man. The Mountain!
The Crowd: *AGAIN, GASP*
Pycelle: There are many large men in this Kingdom. It is not necessarily The Mountain. He is an anointed knight and not a brigand.
Ser Karyl: Oh, this guy was The Mountain. Trust us. Nobody else is this big.
Ser Marq Piper: The Mountain is a false knight and Lord Tywin Lannister's mad dog. And like a Mad Dog he must be put down! It's required by code. It's all in a sub-regulation which falls under the charter establishing the Westeros Animal Disease Control Division.
Pycelle: Lord Hand, need I remind the court that Lord Tywin is the father of the Queen!
Ned: Oh yeah, thanks Pycelle. I'm sure the court would have forgotten that had you not reminded us.
The Crowd: *HAHAHA, Good one Ned!*
Ned looks at the crowd of the court, wondering how they are so good at all saying the same thing in unison like a Greek chorus or like how everyone knows all the lyrics to songs in musical comedies. It's strange. But in the crowd he spots Septa Mordane and Sansa. Oh shit! Sansa is listening to this horrible petition about rape and murder? Still, Ned figures he can't blame the Septa for bringing Sansa here. Usually petitions to the King are about boring stuff like issuing a new stamp with a bird on it or setting up a national ice cream day. Mordane was only trying to give Sansa a civics lesson.
Littlefinger: And where exactly were the knights who were supposed to be protecting these lands?
Ser Karyl: We had been summoned back to Riverrun and below the Golden Tooth in anticipation of a Lannister invasion. Ser Edmure has since sent forces to guard the border and defend the hodlfasts.
Ned: Hrm... spreading the forces out. That could be just what Tywin wants!
Varys: What was that, Lord Hand?
Ned: Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself.
Littlefinger: What exactly do you want us to do about it, good knights of the Riverlands? What is it specifically you wish to petition about?
Ser Karyl: We seek permission to get revenge! Let us attack the Lannisters and...
Ned: Whoa, whoa. Hold it there. If the Bannermen of the Tulleys attack the Lannisters and we don't have solid proof that they are guilty, that could give Lord Tywin all he needs to say that YOUR SIDE attacked first and he was the wronged party. And I'm not sure Robert is smart enough to figure this all out when he gets back from the hunt. Still, there does seem to be evidence that the Mountain is leading these attacks so he must be held accountable.
Pycelle: The Mountain is one of Lord Tywin's bannerman and thus is it Lord Tywin's job to bring justice upon him if he has committed a crime.
Ned: Really Pycelle? Really? All justice in Westeros comes from THE KING, and I'm the one sitting in the throne right now as Hand. This is my decision. Lord Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr, Ser Gladden Wylde, and Lord Lothar Mallery... you are each to assemble twenty men and find the Mountain and bring him to justice. And by that I mean "kill him." Lord Beric will have overall command. I'll also send out 20 of my own men too because leaving the Stark household in Kings Landing undefended after we were just attacked seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do, right? Ser Robar Royce, you shall travel to the King and his hunting expedition and make sure that he is informed of this decision by his Hand. So let it be written, so let it be done.
The Crowd: *Ooh, Ten Commandments reference. Nice!*
Loras Tyrell: WHAT?! No, Ned! I want to be the one who hunts down The Mountain! Remember how I beat him in that joust and how he tried to kill me after? I should have the honor!
Ned: Nope, we need someone better than a pretty boy. That's it. You shall ride at first light. And that's it. No more petitions today.
The crowd starts to disperse with Ned ending the proceedings. Ned gets up and walks down the stairs to the throne, and Varys pulls him aside.
Varys: A very bold decision, Lord Hand. Still, I think sending Loras would have been a good idea. It is good to make the Tyrells the enemies of the Lannisters as well... and a friend to the Starks.
Ned: Look, I don't play this gamesmanship stuff and manipulate situations like you all do here. I'm just trying to deliver the King's justice.
Varys: Then perhaps you should have sent Ser Illyn Paye, the official executioner, to do the job. That would have been the proper procedure.
Ned: House Payne is sworn to House Lannister. You really think it would be a good idea to order a Lannister man to execute a Lannister man?
Varys: Hrm, perhaps a good point. But I saw Ser Illyn in the back of the crowd and he looked most unhappy. He does so love his job.
Ned: Who cares if Illyn Payne is unhappy with me. What's he going to do about it? Cut my head off?
Some Villager: Your majesty, if it pleases you...
Ned: Hahaha, oh brother! Dude, I'm totally not the king. I find it hilarious that you have no clue what your own king looks like.
Ser Karyl Vance: Lord Hand, if I may speak instead. Greetings, I am Ser Karyl Vance, a knight of House Vance of Wayfarer's Rest. I come to you with the petitions of a number of these villagers and smallfolk. There has been chaos in the lands. Many of the smallfolk here are survivors of a recent attack on Sherrer. And look, I don't want to call anyone in particular out -- but it all started as soon as your wife kidnapped Tyrion Lannister. There have been brutalities, rapes, arson, and overall destruction. But these raiders who have come into our lands have not been stealing. They have been just destroying. I am certain that these men are Lannister men!
The Crowd: *GASP*
Ned: A bold accusation, Ser Karyl. What evidence do you have of this being a Lannister attack? Did they wave banners with the lion?
Ser Karyl: Oh, surely you know that they would be too smart to do that. But they have ridden in huge parties of 50 to 100 men. They were well organized and trained. They rode war horses and had good weapons and armor. Common thieves do not have these capabilities and common thieves actually steal things. But the greatest piece of evidence... their leader was a huge man. The Mountain!
The Crowd: *AGAIN, GASP*
Pycelle: There are many large men in this Kingdom. It is not necessarily The Mountain. He is an anointed knight and not a brigand.
Ser Karyl: Oh, this guy was The Mountain. Trust us. Nobody else is this big.
Ser Marq Piper: The Mountain is a false knight and Lord Tywin Lannister's mad dog. And like a Mad Dog he must be put down! It's required by code. It's all in a sub-regulation which falls under the charter establishing the Westeros Animal Disease Control Division.
Pycelle: Lord Hand, need I remind the court that Lord Tywin is the father of the Queen!
Ned: Oh yeah, thanks Pycelle. I'm sure the court would have forgotten that had you not reminded us.
The Crowd: *HAHAHA, Good one Ned!*
Ned looks at the crowd of the court, wondering how they are so good at all saying the same thing in unison like a Greek chorus or like how everyone knows all the lyrics to songs in musical comedies. It's strange. But in the crowd he spots Septa Mordane and Sansa. Oh shit! Sansa is listening to this horrible petition about rape and murder? Still, Ned figures he can't blame the Septa for bringing Sansa here. Usually petitions to the King are about boring stuff like issuing a new stamp with a bird on it or setting up a national ice cream day. Mordane was only trying to give Sansa a civics lesson.
Littlefinger: And where exactly were the knights who were supposed to be protecting these lands?
Ser Karyl: We had been summoned back to Riverrun and below the Golden Tooth in anticipation of a Lannister invasion. Ser Edmure has since sent forces to guard the border and defend the hodlfasts.
Ned: Hrm... spreading the forces out. That could be just what Tywin wants!
Varys: What was that, Lord Hand?
Ned: Oh, nothing. Just talking to myself.
Littlefinger: What exactly do you want us to do about it, good knights of the Riverlands? What is it specifically you wish to petition about?
Ser Karyl: We seek permission to get revenge! Let us attack the Lannisters and...
Ned: Whoa, whoa. Hold it there. If the Bannermen of the Tulleys attack the Lannisters and we don't have solid proof that they are guilty, that could give Lord Tywin all he needs to say that YOUR SIDE attacked first and he was the wronged party. And I'm not sure Robert is smart enough to figure this all out when he gets back from the hunt. Still, there does seem to be evidence that the Mountain is leading these attacks so he must be held accountable.
Pycelle: The Mountain is one of Lord Tywin's bannerman and thus is it Lord Tywin's job to bring justice upon him if he has committed a crime.
Ned: Really Pycelle? Really? All justice in Westeros comes from THE KING, and I'm the one sitting in the throne right now as Hand. This is my decision. Lord Beric Dondarrion, Thoros of Myr, Ser Gladden Wylde, and Lord Lothar Mallery... you are each to assemble twenty men and find the Mountain and bring him to justice. And by that I mean "kill him." Lord Beric will have overall command. I'll also send out 20 of my own men too because leaving the Stark household in Kings Landing undefended after we were just attacked seems like a pretty reasonable thing to do, right? Ser Robar Royce, you shall travel to the King and his hunting expedition and make sure that he is informed of this decision by his Hand. So let it be written, so let it be done.
The Crowd: *Ooh, Ten Commandments reference. Nice!*
Loras Tyrell: WHAT?! No, Ned! I want to be the one who hunts down The Mountain! Remember how I beat him in that joust and how he tried to kill me after? I should have the honor!
Ned: Nope, we need someone better than a pretty boy. That's it. You shall ride at first light. And that's it. No more petitions today.
The crowd starts to disperse with Ned ending the proceedings. Ned gets up and walks down the stairs to the throne, and Varys pulls him aside.
Varys: A very bold decision, Lord Hand. Still, I think sending Loras would have been a good idea. It is good to make the Tyrells the enemies of the Lannisters as well... and a friend to the Starks.
Ned: Look, I don't play this gamesmanship stuff and manipulate situations like you all do here. I'm just trying to deliver the King's justice.
Varys: Then perhaps you should have sent Ser Illyn Paye, the official executioner, to do the job. That would have been the proper procedure.
Ned: House Payne is sworn to House Lannister. You really think it would be a good idea to order a Lannister man to execute a Lannister man?
Varys: Hrm, perhaps a good point. But I saw Ser Illyn in the back of the crowd and he looked most unhappy. He does so love his job.
Ned: Who cares if Illyn Payne is unhappy with me. What's he going to do about it? Cut my head off?
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