Arya and Syrio Forel are sword fighting in the Small Hall in the Tower of the Hand.
Syrio: Okay, now I will strike from the left!
He strikes from the left. Arya blocks it.
Syrio: Now I will strike from the right!
He strikes from the right. Arya blocks it.
Syrio: Now I will strike from the left again!
But instead he strikes from the right. Arya misses it and the wooden sparring sword hits Arya.
Syrio: I win. You are dead.
Arya: No fair! You cheated! You lied.
Syrio: Did I? It matters not. If this was a real fight you would still be dead. Maybe my mouth lied, but my eyes and my arm did not lie. You should have paid attention to what my eyes and arms said, not what my lips said. When you fight a real foe, that is what you must do. Now let me tell you a story about how I became the First Sword of Braavos.
Arya: Shit. Is this going to be long and boring?
Syrio: In Braavos there were men younger than me. There were men faster than me. There were men stronger than me. But me? I was the best! Why? I saw the truth. The great Sealord of Braavos was hiring the new First Sword after the last one was killed in an industrial accident at near the glue factory. The Sealord had this fat orange cat and said she was an exotic feline beast from a far away land called "New Jersey." The Sealord asked all the First Sword candidates what they thought about his exotic cat. They all explained how marvelous and fantastic she was. Because they were all a bunch of ass kissers. But I took one look at that fat piece of shit and I knew it was just Garfield. Sure, the Sealord called the cat a "she," but I saw that it was a tomcat and I saw the lasagna hanging from its mouth. I also saw it complaining about Mondays. I told the Sealord that the cat was just Garfield and he laughed and laughed and laughed. Then he said to me, "You passed the test, Syrio Forel! This is Garfield and I just borrowed him from my Magister, Jon Arbuckle. You are the new First Sword. Now let us talk about salary and benefits." That is what you must do Arya. You must see the truth behind things. You must sense before you think. You must be a Myers-Briggs ISTP. Then you will be ready to fight with Needle!
Arya: Cool. I guess we can just continue my training in Winterfell then.
The wooden doors to the Small Hall then shatter open with a bunch of Lannister guards and Ser Meryn Trant of the Kingsguard barging in.
Ser Meryn: Arya, you must come with me at once. Your father needs to see you.
Arya: Sure. Sounds reasonable.
Syrio: Arya, no! Did you not pay attention to anything I said about paying attention to what you see rather than just the words that are said? He says your father wants to see you... but why would your father send Lannister soldiers to fetch you rather than his own?
Ser Meryn: Don't listen to this loser, Arya. I'm a member of the Kingsguard. You can trust the Kingsguard!
Arya: Oh yeah, right. Of course. The same Kingsguard that has Jaime Fucking Lannister in it who murdered my friend Jory. Jaime, a Kingsguard knight whose job it was to guard the king and yet his nickname is "Kingslayer" because he murders they very kings he's supposed to guard.
Ser Meryn: Geez, everyone's a critic. SEIZE HER!
As the Lannister men go in to grab Arya, Syrio jumps forward and defends her.
Guard: Get out of the way, old man!
Syrio: Who are you calling "Old Man?" I am Syrio Forel, the First Sword of Braavos.
Guard: Yeah, and I'm Santey-Claus. And you've got a wooden sword in your hand, so I'm not particularly scared of yo--AGHHH!!!!
Syrio whacks him and breaks his fingers. The other men charge in but Syrio starts beating all of their asses with the wooden sword. She can tell that as badass he was when fighting her - he was actually holding back. This dude is pulling off some matrix-level fighting shit.
Syrio: Now go, Arya! Run to your father!
Arya: Cool, I will. But before I go, do you have any like super witty catchphrases to leave with me? Like something about "There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: 'not today'!" or something like that?
Syrio: No, not in the books I don't.
Arya: Damnit!
Arya runs. As she looks back, Syrio is literally killing these Lannisters with wood. But Ser Meryn is in full plate armor and the wooden sword has no effect on him. The last thing Arya sees is Syrio's sword breaking before she turns and runs out of sight for good.
Arya: Oh man. That's kind of an unsatisfactory resolution. We technically never see him die, so there will be fan theories for the rest of time where everyone claims he's going to come back one day.
As she runs, Arya thinks back to the types of things Syrio did say to her though. The less catchy "book" things.
Swift as a deer. Quiet as a shadow. Quick as a snake. Hard as a rock. Calm as still water. Crazy as a June Bug. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Serrated knives cut tomatoes deeper than flat knives. The pen is mightier than the sword. Strong as a bear. Fierce as a wolverine. Laser-eyed as a cyclops. Power-sucking as a rogue. Fear cuts deeper than swords. The man who fears losing has already lost. Man who walk into airplane sideways going to Bangkok. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Arya: "Fear cuts deeper than swords." Not a band name... but probably a good song name off the band's first album.
As she runs, she wonders where she should go next. She remembers Syrio's instructions - to do the unexpected. Be random. Run to a dead end. Climb up to the window and peak into the Tower of the Hand. See that the Stark guard is dead. Listen to the fighting in the distance.
She is no longer hunting the cats. She is the cat being hunted. And if she is caught then she is dead. She must be a fast cat. She must not be that lazy fatass Garfield.
She goes to the stables where she sees Hullen, Winterfell's Master of Horse, laying on the straw and dying. He has been stabbed a shitload of times.
Hullen: Uggh... Arya... girl, is that you? Warn your father! Warn him! The Lannisters!
Arya: Uh, yeah. Okay.
Hullen: And if you see my son, Harwin, who was one of the men that your father sent off with Beric Dondarrian and Thoros of Myr to go hunt the Mountain in the Riverlands... please tell him to not to get caught up in any crazy cult stuff. Like joining some organization called "the Brotherhood without Banners" or anything like that.
Arya: Please Hullen, Westeros is a crazy large place. It's huge. What are the chances that I would just happen to run into your son Harwin, like, two books from now?
Hullen then dies. Arya looks around and sees more dead Stark men. She sees the body of Desmond laying there.
Arya: Oh yeah, Desmond who told me in Chapter 32 that we were safe here in Kings Landing because every Stark solider was as good as ten southern soldiers. Well I don't see ten dead Lannisters laying around for every one dead Stark soldier, do I? YOU LIAR!!!
Arya kicks Desmond's dead body out of spite. She then goes feeling around in the hay and finds what she was looking for... her sword, Needle!
Stableboy: Hey you!
A fat stableboy appears.
Arya: Oh, hey there fat stableboy. Help me pack all my shit up so I can run and tell my dad what happened here.
Stableboy: No way! Your dad is dead, girl. And Cersei will pay me a lot of money for catching you. I'm going to be so rich! I can buy so much candy. Because I'm fat.
Arya: SHIT! Now... how do I use this thing Needle thing again? I'm trying to remember how Jon explained it to me...
Arya thinks back, trying to remember...
She stabs the chubby stableboy in the gut and he just fucking dies. His internal organs pop open like a water balloon and blood flies everywhere, speckling Arya's face with the salty, warm essence of death.
Arya: Brutal.
She thinks about getting on the horse and running, but then remembers that the Lannisters will probably close all the gates to the city and be looking for her. It's too obvious. Fear cuts deeper than swords. She has to do what Syrio told her - the unexpected. She runs off looking for that tunnel she found once before. The one with the dragon skeletons in it. But to get there she has to go through the open area of the Red Keep, where dozens of Lannister soldiers can see her. If she runs they'll spot her and run after her. So she has to play it casual. She has to look cool and like she belongs there. Just blend in. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Arya hides Needle under her clothes and she walks along and whistles, occasionally pretending to send selfies with dog filters to her friends on Snapchat. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Lannister Guard 1: Hahaha, look at that! These crazy regular, normal tween girls and their Snapchat! Nothing to be concerned about.
Lannister Guard 2: Hey man, your face is fucked up. It's like you have a chunk of flesh missing from your chin.
Lannister Guard 1: Oh yeah, right. I couldn't find my razor blade this morning when I had to shave. So instead I just used some fear I had laying around because I knew how sharp it was.
Lannister Guard 2: No way! That was stupid. Haven't you heard how dangerous that is? Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Lannister Guard 1: Well, I obviously know that now.
Arya wanders to the royal sept and goes in it. Nobody bats an eye. She then jumps out of a back window. For the next hour or so, she jumps in and out of windows, over walls, and through cellars. Eventually she finds her way back to her super cool dragon skeleton hiding place.
Arya: These things don't even scare me that much anymore. Fear cuts deeper than swords. The crypts in Winterfell were much scarier. There was this one time Robb took me there and when I was down there a spooky ghost popped out from the grave. But it was just Jon covered in a bunch of flour playing a practical joke on me. Ah, I miss Jon. I miss Winterfell. I just want to go home! Also, Fear cuts deeper than swords. ⚔
Syrio: Okay, now I will strike from the left!
He strikes from the left. Arya blocks it.
Syrio: Now I will strike from the right!
He strikes from the right. Arya blocks it.
Syrio: Now I will strike from the left again!
But instead he strikes from the right. Arya misses it and the wooden sparring sword hits Arya.
Syrio: I win. You are dead.
Arya: No fair! You cheated! You lied.
Syrio: Did I? It matters not. If this was a real fight you would still be dead. Maybe my mouth lied, but my eyes and my arm did not lie. You should have paid attention to what my eyes and arms said, not what my lips said. When you fight a real foe, that is what you must do. Now let me tell you a story about how I became the First Sword of Braavos.
Arya: Shit. Is this going to be long and boring?
Syrio: In Braavos there were men younger than me. There were men faster than me. There were men stronger than me. But me? I was the best! Why? I saw the truth. The great Sealord of Braavos was hiring the new First Sword after the last one was killed in an industrial accident at near the glue factory. The Sealord had this fat orange cat and said she was an exotic feline beast from a far away land called "New Jersey." The Sealord asked all the First Sword candidates what they thought about his exotic cat. They all explained how marvelous and fantastic she was. Because they were all a bunch of ass kissers. But I took one look at that fat piece of shit and I knew it was just Garfield. Sure, the Sealord called the cat a "she," but I saw that it was a tomcat and I saw the lasagna hanging from its mouth. I also saw it complaining about Mondays. I told the Sealord that the cat was just Garfield and he laughed and laughed and laughed. Then he said to me, "You passed the test, Syrio Forel! This is Garfield and I just borrowed him from my Magister, Jon Arbuckle. You are the new First Sword. Now let us talk about salary and benefits." That is what you must do Arya. You must see the truth behind things. You must sense before you think. You must be a Myers-Briggs ISTP. Then you will be ready to fight with Needle!
Arya: Cool. I guess we can just continue my training in Winterfell then.
The wooden doors to the Small Hall then shatter open with a bunch of Lannister guards and Ser Meryn Trant of the Kingsguard barging in.
Ser Meryn: Arya, you must come with me at once. Your father needs to see you.
Arya: Sure. Sounds reasonable.
Syrio: Arya, no! Did you not pay attention to anything I said about paying attention to what you see rather than just the words that are said? He says your father wants to see you... but why would your father send Lannister soldiers to fetch you rather than his own?
Ser Meryn: Don't listen to this loser, Arya. I'm a member of the Kingsguard. You can trust the Kingsguard!
Arya: Oh yeah, right. Of course. The same Kingsguard that has Jaime Fucking Lannister in it who murdered my friend Jory. Jaime, a Kingsguard knight whose job it was to guard the king and yet his nickname is "Kingslayer" because he murders they very kings he's supposed to guard.
Ser Meryn: Geez, everyone's a critic. SEIZE HER!
As the Lannister men go in to grab Arya, Syrio jumps forward and defends her.
Guard: Get out of the way, old man!
Syrio: Who are you calling "Old Man?" I am Syrio Forel, the First Sword of Braavos.
Guard: Yeah, and I'm Santey-Claus. And you've got a wooden sword in your hand, so I'm not particularly scared of yo--AGHHH!!!!
Syrio whacks him and breaks his fingers. The other men charge in but Syrio starts beating all of their asses with the wooden sword. She can tell that as badass he was when fighting her - he was actually holding back. This dude is pulling off some matrix-level fighting shit.
Syrio: Now go, Arya! Run to your father!
Arya: Cool, I will. But before I go, do you have any like super witty catchphrases to leave with me? Like something about "There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: 'not today'!" or something like that?
Syrio: No, not in the books I don't.
Arya: Damnit!
Arya runs. As she looks back, Syrio is literally killing these Lannisters with wood. But Ser Meryn is in full plate armor and the wooden sword has no effect on him. The last thing Arya sees is Syrio's sword breaking before she turns and runs out of sight for good.
Arya: Oh man. That's kind of an unsatisfactory resolution. We technically never see him die, so there will be fan theories for the rest of time where everyone claims he's going to come back one day.
As she runs, Arya thinks back to the types of things Syrio did say to her though. The less catchy "book" things.
Swift as a deer. Quiet as a shadow. Quick as a snake. Hard as a rock. Calm as still water. Crazy as a June Bug. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Serrated knives cut tomatoes deeper than flat knives. The pen is mightier than the sword. Strong as a bear. Fierce as a wolverine. Laser-eyed as a cyclops. Power-sucking as a rogue. Fear cuts deeper than swords. The man who fears losing has already lost. Man who walk into airplane sideways going to Bangkok. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Fear cuts deeper than swords. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Arya: "Fear cuts deeper than swords." Not a band name... but probably a good song name off the band's first album.
As she runs, she wonders where she should go next. She remembers Syrio's instructions - to do the unexpected. Be random. Run to a dead end. Climb up to the window and peak into the Tower of the Hand. See that the Stark guard is dead. Listen to the fighting in the distance.
She is no longer hunting the cats. She is the cat being hunted. And if she is caught then she is dead. She must be a fast cat. She must not be that lazy fatass Garfield.
She goes to the stables where she sees Hullen, Winterfell's Master of Horse, laying on the straw and dying. He has been stabbed a shitload of times.
Hullen: Uggh... Arya... girl, is that you? Warn your father! Warn him! The Lannisters!
Arya: Uh, yeah. Okay.
Hullen: And if you see my son, Harwin, who was one of the men that your father sent off with Beric Dondarrian and Thoros of Myr to go hunt the Mountain in the Riverlands... please tell him to not to get caught up in any crazy cult stuff. Like joining some organization called "the Brotherhood without Banners" or anything like that.
Arya: Please Hullen, Westeros is a crazy large place. It's huge. What are the chances that I would just happen to run into your son Harwin, like, two books from now?
Hullen then dies. Arya looks around and sees more dead Stark men. She sees the body of Desmond laying there.
Arya: Oh yeah, Desmond who told me in Chapter 32 that we were safe here in Kings Landing because every Stark solider was as good as ten southern soldiers. Well I don't see ten dead Lannisters laying around for every one dead Stark soldier, do I? YOU LIAR!!!
Arya kicks Desmond's dead body out of spite. She then goes feeling around in the hay and finds what she was looking for... her sword, Needle!
Stableboy: Hey you!
A fat stableboy appears.
Arya: Oh, hey there fat stableboy. Help me pack all my shit up so I can run and tell my dad what happened here.
Stableboy: No way! Your dad is dead, girl. And Cersei will pay me a lot of money for catching you. I'm going to be so rich! I can buy so much candy. Because I'm fat.
Arya: SHIT! Now... how do I use this thing Needle thing again? I'm trying to remember how Jon explained it to me...
Arya thinks back, trying to remember...
Jon: Okay, the correct position involves pointing the front foot straight forward, with the back foot at a 90 degree angle to it. The feet should be around 3 feet apart. Bend both legs to allow speedy movement - either for attack or on defense. Never stand stiff or completely upright. And you're going to want to bend the sword arm at about a 45 degree angle towards your opponent. Relax your other arm behind your back to avoid it becoming a target. When moving forward during a sword fight, you're going to always want to move your front foot first, then you back foot. And the reverse holds true when moving backwards - move the back foot first. It sounds a little difficult at first, but eventually you'll get the flow of it. Now Arya, I want to tell you about the basic three moves - lunge, parry and riposte. The lunge is the primary attack move you'll make when sword fighting. You extend the sword arm fully, while the back leg remains stationary as the front leg moves forward. There are four primary attacks: high outside, low outside, high inside, and low inside. What you're going to want to do is...Arya: No! No! No! That's not what Jon said at all. What did he say again?
Jon: Stick them with the pointy end.Arya: Yes! That's it!
She stabs the chubby stableboy in the gut and he just fucking dies. His internal organs pop open like a water balloon and blood flies everywhere, speckling Arya's face with the salty, warm essence of death.
Arya: Brutal.
She thinks about getting on the horse and running, but then remembers that the Lannisters will probably close all the gates to the city and be looking for her. It's too obvious. Fear cuts deeper than swords. She has to do what Syrio told her - the unexpected. She runs off looking for that tunnel she found once before. The one with the dragon skeletons in it. But to get there she has to go through the open area of the Red Keep, where dozens of Lannister soldiers can see her. If she runs they'll spot her and run after her. So she has to play it casual. She has to look cool and like she belongs there. Just blend in. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Arya hides Needle under her clothes and she walks along and whistles, occasionally pretending to send selfies with dog filters to her friends on Snapchat. Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Lannister Guard 1: Hahaha, look at that! These crazy regular, normal tween girls and their Snapchat! Nothing to be concerned about.
Lannister Guard 2: Hey man, your face is fucked up. It's like you have a chunk of flesh missing from your chin.
Lannister Guard 1: Oh yeah, right. I couldn't find my razor blade this morning when I had to shave. So instead I just used some fear I had laying around because I knew how sharp it was.
Lannister Guard 2: No way! That was stupid. Haven't you heard how dangerous that is? Fear cuts deeper than swords.
Lannister Guard 1: Well, I obviously know that now.
Arya wanders to the royal sept and goes in it. Nobody bats an eye. She then jumps out of a back window. For the next hour or so, she jumps in and out of windows, over walls, and through cellars. Eventually she finds her way back to her super cool dragon skeleton hiding place.
Arya: These things don't even scare me that much anymore. Fear cuts deeper than swords. The crypts in Winterfell were much scarier. There was this one time Robb took me there and when I was down there a spooky ghost popped out from the grave. But it was just Jon covered in a bunch of flour playing a practical joke on me. Ah, I miss Jon. I miss Winterfell. I just want to go home! Also, Fear cuts deeper than swords. ⚔
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