Ugh. Another epithet chapter? Okay… I’ve been reading this for two pages and I still have no idea who this is about.
Areo Hotah: It’s about me, Areo Hotah.
Who the fuck are you?
Areo: The Captain of the Guards in Dorne.
Well FUCKING OBVIOUSLY. But you’ve never been mentioned before. Or have you? I dunno. Why should I give a fuck about you? None of us know anything about Dorne. Why are these new Chapters all about Dorne and the Iron Isles? WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU!
Areo: That makes me sad. The Dorne story isn’t as terrible in the books as it is in the show. I swear!
If you say so.
Anyway, here we are in the Water Gardens of Dorne. This is Dorne’s version of a nice little summer retreat home where the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell lives. But instead of occasionally visiting here for a bit of relaxation – Doran spends 100% of his time here and never goes back to the capitol of Sunspear. He has some leg gout and is pretty much a lazy asshole.
Areo guards the Prince, as he sits there watching the children play. But not in a creepy “this man should be arrested and not allowed within 100 yards of schools” sort of way. In an endearing way.
Obara “Whalerider” Sand: HEY THERE UNCLE!
Prince Doran: Ah, Obara… one of my brother Oberyn’s bastard daughters, aka THE SAND SNAKES. To what do I owe the honor?
Obara: Yeah, so, uh… my father is dead. Huh?
Doran: Yep.
Obara: And what are we doing about it? Because it looks like the way of getting revenge for the Lannisters murdering my father, AKA THE AWESOME RED VIPER RIP, is for you to sit in a garden and watch children play.
With Obara getting aggressive, Aero puts his axe up to block her passage. But that’s about all he’ll contribute to this chapter because he’s a worthless POS POV.
Areo: HEY!
Doran: No Areo, put your weapon down and let Obara come forward. Look my niece, if The Red Viper had been murdered it would be one thing. But he was not murdered. He was slain in lawful, single combat which he agreed to.
Obara: This is such bullshit. We should be marching north to obtain vengeance! Not just for my dad… but for Elia too! How many years have you sat by and done NOTHING to avenge Elia?!
Doran: Lord Tywin has promised us vengeance for her. He is sending us the head of Gregor Clegane. My brother and the Mountain both died in that fight.
Obara: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!
Doran: Okay, get the fuck out of my face now.
She leaves. Oh, and Doran’s Maester is also there. Did I not mention that? Because he arrived with Obara or something.
Maester Caleotte: Prince Doran, Obara is likely to return to Sunspear and stir up the crowds, encouraging war.
Doran: Yeah, yeah. I know. I guess I should leave these gardens and go back to Sunspear and rule my kingdom, huh? You know… try to get ahead of all this bullshit? We should head out first thing in the morning. The crack of dawn! Yes, indeed. Of course, the flipside of that is once I’m back in Sunspear everyone will see just how gouty and infirm I have gotten. Word will get back to the Lannisters. Likely from that fucking White Cloak Ser Arys Oakheart who came along with Princess Myrcella.
Doran then chats with Areo for a bit, and Aero goes to bed that night and thinks about his past and stupid, meaningless backstory that nobody should care about. You will not see another POV from him in this book… so why even fucking bother learning about him or his childhood in Norvos?
The next day, the party eventually gets underway to head back to Sunspear. It’s several hours later than Prince Doran had said they’d leave because obviously this lazy, gouty motherfucker is just totally worthless, right? I mean it’s not like secretly he’s a mastermind with brilliant, Littlefinger-like machinations being planned? Because that would be an extra twist to his character that would make Doran interesting and worthy of the casting of brilliant actor Alexander Siddig. You’d definitely want to cast Alexander Siddig if you had a complex, layered character who is properly developed over the course of time. It would be a giant waste if you hired Alexander Siddig and then just fucking threw away the character and made him worthless by only showing the seemingly incompetent, gout-ridden, moron version of the character that would do nothing to defend the honor of Dorne or his slain siblings.
As the caravan towards Sunspear heads out, another of the Sand Snakes arrives and confronts Prince Doran.
Lady Nymeria “Colleen Wing” Sand: Hi, I’m Sand Snake #2! I am also furious about my father’s murder and wish to know what you are going to do about it.
Doran: How is this conversation going to differ from the earlier one with Obara?
Nymeria: It isn’t. This confrontation is simply an exposition tool to reveal that there are three Sand Snakes, and to provide descriptions for us. From Areo’s point of view, he finds Obara ugly and me beautiful.
Doran: Okay. Bye.
Nymeria: Bye!
By sunset, Doran and his party arrive at Sunspear. There, they find the townspeople all spun up.
Townspeople: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! YEAAAH! WAR!
They throw fruit at Doran’s caravan. Because that’s what dissatisfied townspeople did back in the day before they had both Twitter and unfettered access to military-grade assault weapons to express their anger.
They arrive in the Martell stronghold and find Princess Arianne Martell, Doran’s daughter. waiting for them.
Areo: GODDAMN. Arianne is a 10/10. Remember how I thought Nymeria was hot? Arianne is Grade-A, smoking!
Arianne: Hey daddy.
Doran: Hey there, best single character in the entire Ice and Fire series that was left out the TV show for no good reason because your character would have fucking rocked and easily been a fan favorite. What’s up?
Arianne: The third of the Sand Snakes, Tyene Sand, is waiting for you and would like a private word.
Doran: Of course she is. Okay, I’ll go see here.
Doran goes to see her. Areo also gives his internal reflections on the appearance and attractiveness of her, but do you really care?
Doran: I suppose you’re also here to tell me that we should go to war? That we should send an army up north and attack?
Tyene “Bad Pussy” Sand: No, of course not.
Doran: Well that’s a relief for once.
Tyene: I mean why fight on their home turf? A war is coming… but we should make THEM MARCH TO US!
Doran: Oh god. Why didn’t I see this twist coming?
Tyene: We have Princess Myrcella here. Let’s just have her and Prince Trystane marry and declare her as the true Queen of the Iron Throne. She is older than Tommen, after all. In Dorne, the law says that the eldest shall inherit, regardless of their sex. And she is in Dorne! The Seven Kingdoms will have no choice but to react and send their Army to us to try to get Myrcella back.
Doran: I will…. uhh… think on it.
Tyene: Great, now give your niece a nice big kiss!
She comes forward to kiss her uncle and Areo tries to block her. Doran waves him off and she kisses him on the cheek and leaves. Maester Caleotte then runs up.
Maester Caleotte: DUDE! You know that’s the Bad Pussy Sand Snake, right? She’s the one with the poison kiss thing!
Doran: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s not going to poison her own uncle though. Get out of here. *sigh*
Areo: Dude. What are you going to do? These Sand Snake girls seem to really want some war.
Doran: I guess I gotta do what I gotta do… find all of Oberyn’s daughters. Round them up and have them arrested.
Areo: What about Sarella? Sarella isn’t in Dorne.
Doran: Oh right. SARELLA. She isn’t here at all. SARELLA. She is somewhere else. I wonder what would happen if you spelled that backwards and also went back to the prologue chapter, two chapters ago, and examined it for a similar name of a "man" with feminine qualities that might just be Sarella in disguise.
Areo: You know the people on the streets will be furious when they hear that the Sand Snakes have all been arrested?
Doran: Meh. They'll probably be like--
People on Streets: --WAR! WAR! WAR WAR!
Doran: Yes. They'll be like that.
Areo Hotah: It’s about me, Areo Hotah.
Who the fuck are you?
Areo: The Captain of the Guards in Dorne.
Well FUCKING OBVIOUSLY. But you’ve never been mentioned before. Or have you? I dunno. Why should I give a fuck about you? None of us know anything about Dorne. Why are these new Chapters all about Dorne and the Iron Isles? WE DON’T CARE ABOUT YOU!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU!
Areo: That makes me sad. The Dorne story isn’t as terrible in the books as it is in the show. I swear!
If you say so.
Anyway, here we are in the Water Gardens of Dorne. This is Dorne’s version of a nice little summer retreat home where the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell lives. But instead of occasionally visiting here for a bit of relaxation – Doran spends 100% of his time here and never goes back to the capitol of Sunspear. He has some leg gout and is pretty much a lazy asshole.
Areo guards the Prince, as he sits there watching the children play. But not in a creepy “this man should be arrested and not allowed within 100 yards of schools” sort of way. In an endearing way.
Obara “Whalerider” Sand: HEY THERE UNCLE!
Prince Doran: Ah, Obara… one of my brother Oberyn’s bastard daughters, aka THE SAND SNAKES. To what do I owe the honor?
Obara: Yeah, so, uh… my father is dead. Huh?
Doran: Yep.
Obara: And what are we doing about it? Because it looks like the way of getting revenge for the Lannisters murdering my father, AKA THE AWESOME RED VIPER RIP, is for you to sit in a garden and watch children play.
With Obara getting aggressive, Aero puts his axe up to block her passage. But that’s about all he’ll contribute to this chapter because he’s a worthless POS POV.
Areo: HEY!
Doran: No Areo, put your weapon down and let Obara come forward. Look my niece, if The Red Viper had been murdered it would be one thing. But he was not murdered. He was slain in lawful, single combat which he agreed to.
Obara: This is such bullshit. We should be marching north to obtain vengeance! Not just for my dad… but for Elia too! How many years have you sat by and done NOTHING to avenge Elia?!
Doran: Lord Tywin has promised us vengeance for her. He is sending us the head of Gregor Clegane. My brother and the Mountain both died in that fight.
Obara: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!
Doran: Okay, get the fuck out of my face now.
She leaves. Oh, and Doran’s Maester is also there. Did I not mention that? Because he arrived with Obara or something.
Maester Caleotte: Prince Doran, Obara is likely to return to Sunspear and stir up the crowds, encouraging war.
Doran: Yeah, yeah. I know. I guess I should leave these gardens and go back to Sunspear and rule my kingdom, huh? You know… try to get ahead of all this bullshit? We should head out first thing in the morning. The crack of dawn! Yes, indeed. Of course, the flipside of that is once I’m back in Sunspear everyone will see just how gouty and infirm I have gotten. Word will get back to the Lannisters. Likely from that fucking White Cloak Ser Arys Oakheart who came along with Princess Myrcella.
Doran then chats with Areo for a bit, and Aero goes to bed that night and thinks about his past and stupid, meaningless backstory that nobody should care about. You will not see another POV from him in this book… so why even fucking bother learning about him or his childhood in Norvos?
The next day, the party eventually gets underway to head back to Sunspear. It’s several hours later than Prince Doran had said they’d leave because obviously this lazy, gouty motherfucker is just totally worthless, right? I mean it’s not like secretly he’s a mastermind with brilliant, Littlefinger-like machinations being planned? Because that would be an extra twist to his character that would make Doran interesting and worthy of the casting of brilliant actor Alexander Siddig. You’d definitely want to cast Alexander Siddig if you had a complex, layered character who is properly developed over the course of time. It would be a giant waste if you hired Alexander Siddig and then just fucking threw away the character and made him worthless by only showing the seemingly incompetent, gout-ridden, moron version of the character that would do nothing to defend the honor of Dorne or his slain siblings.
As the caravan towards Sunspear heads out, another of the Sand Snakes arrives and confronts Prince Doran.
Lady Nymeria “Colleen Wing” Sand: Hi, I’m Sand Snake #2! I am also furious about my father’s murder and wish to know what you are going to do about it.
Doran: How is this conversation going to differ from the earlier one with Obara?
Nymeria: It isn’t. This confrontation is simply an exposition tool to reveal that there are three Sand Snakes, and to provide descriptions for us. From Areo’s point of view, he finds Obara ugly and me beautiful.
Doran: Okay. Bye.
Nymeria: Bye!
By sunset, Doran and his party arrive at Sunspear. There, they find the townspeople all spun up.
Townspeople: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! YEAAAH! WAR!
They throw fruit at Doran’s caravan. Because that’s what dissatisfied townspeople did back in the day before they had both Twitter and unfettered access to military-grade assault weapons to express their anger.
They arrive in the Martell stronghold and find Princess Arianne Martell, Doran’s daughter. waiting for them.
Areo: GODDAMN. Arianne is a 10/10. Remember how I thought Nymeria was hot? Arianne is Grade-A, smoking!
Arianne: Hey daddy.
Doran: Hey there, best single character in the entire Ice and Fire series that was left out the TV show for no good reason because your character would have fucking rocked and easily been a fan favorite. What’s up?
Arianne: The third of the Sand Snakes, Tyene Sand, is waiting for you and would like a private word.
Doran: Of course she is. Okay, I’ll go see here.
Doran goes to see her. Areo also gives his internal reflections on the appearance and attractiveness of her, but do you really care?
Doran: I suppose you’re also here to tell me that we should go to war? That we should send an army up north and attack?
Tyene “Bad Pussy” Sand: No, of course not.
Doran: Well that’s a relief for once.
Tyene: I mean why fight on their home turf? A war is coming… but we should make THEM MARCH TO US!
Doran: Oh god. Why didn’t I see this twist coming?
Tyene: We have Princess Myrcella here. Let’s just have her and Prince Trystane marry and declare her as the true Queen of the Iron Throne. She is older than Tommen, after all. In Dorne, the law says that the eldest shall inherit, regardless of their sex. And she is in Dorne! The Seven Kingdoms will have no choice but to react and send their Army to us to try to get Myrcella back.
Doran: I will…. uhh… think on it.
Tyene: Great, now give your niece a nice big kiss!
She comes forward to kiss her uncle and Areo tries to block her. Doran waves him off and she kisses him on the cheek and leaves. Maester Caleotte then runs up.
Maester Caleotte: DUDE! You know that’s the Bad Pussy Sand Snake, right? She’s the one with the poison kiss thing!
Doran: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s not going to poison her own uncle though. Get out of here. *sigh*
Areo: Dude. What are you going to do? These Sand Snake girls seem to really want some war.
Doran: I guess I gotta do what I gotta do… find all of Oberyn’s daughters. Round them up and have them arrested.
Areo: What about Sarella? Sarella isn’t in Dorne.
Doran: Oh right. SARELLA. She isn’t here at all. SARELLA. She is somewhere else. I wonder what would happen if you spelled that backwards and also went back to the prologue chapter, two chapters ago, and examined it for a similar name of a "man" with feminine qualities that might just be Sarella in disguise.
Areo: You know the people on the streets will be furious when they hear that the Sand Snakes have all been arrested?
Doran: Meh. They'll probably be like--
People on Streets: --WAR! WAR! WAR WAR!
Doran: Yes. They'll be like that.
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