AFfC 3: Cersei I

Finally, a properly titled chapter! Oh wait. Cersei has POVs now?

Cersei: I do.

Is this gonna be like with Jaime? You know how we all hated him at first until we had his POV chapters? Then after we got in his head we saw he wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, many of the decisions he made that he was vilified for were, in fact, moral decisions.  Even his most questionable act of pushing Bran from that window, while still terrible, can be viewed from the lens of “protecting his family.”

Cersei: No. My POV chapters will only help to solidify me as a batshit crazy, power-mad person with an increasingly tenuous and warped perception of the world.

Oh. Surely there is something we can like about you. You’re at least a feminist, right? Like your perception that you should have power is based on the fact that women should be treated equally to men and have just as much right to rule.

Cersei: I guess some people could read it that way. But then again you can also read it as the only woman I support having power is ME and I generally have disdain or contempt for other women that are not me, unless they are sycophants who suck up to me.

Okay. So what’s up with you?

Cersei: I just woke up from a dream where I was sitting on the Iron Throne. It was a great dream. Until Tyrion came along and started mocking me and haunting me! That monster! Everything that is wrong in the world is his fault! Oh, also I was on the Throne naked. It’s sort of like that nightmare you have in school about giving a presentation naked.

Osmund Kettleblack: Cersei, are you okay? You were thrashing around in your sleep and now you seem to be talking to some sort of narrator that none of the rest of us can hear.

Cersei: No, I’m fine. What’s up? And why are you waking me up at this hour?

Osmund: Oh, you know. No big reason. Just a tiny little update I have to give you. Your father has been murdered while sitting on the shitter.

Cersei: Oh, well if that’s it then I’ll just go back to sleep for another couple of---WHAAAAAAAA?

Osmund: Yep.

Cersei: TYRION! TYRION MUST HAVE DONE IT! I BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING!

Osmund: Posh, posh. That’s crazy now. He’s locked away in a jail cell.

Cersei: TOMMEN! OH MY GOD, TOMMEN! Tyrion said he was going to do horrible things to him!

Osmund: We’ve checked. Tommen is safe and fine being protected by Loras Tyrell.

Cersei: Oh yeah. Fucking LORAS. That makes me feel really safe. Well, we better send someone to just double check that Tyrion is still in his prison cell.

Osmund: Sure. That sounds like some bitch work that we should have a bitch like Boros Blount do.

Cersei then starts extensively thinking to herself. If her father is dead, then now she is the lady of Casterly Rock and head of the Lannister family (Jaime can’t inherit as he’s taken his vows as a Kingsguard). She then goes to the Tower of the Hand just to see if the story is true.

When she arrives, she sees a bunch of people are already there. Her Uncle Kevan, Qyburn, Meryn Trant. Pretty much everyone who lives in the Red Keep.

Cersei: What the fuck?! Am I literally the last person being told about my father being murdered? I’m his daughter and heir! Even this weirdo Qyburn guy! Shouldn’t I have known fi--- HEY! What the hell is this over here in father’s bed?

Kevan: It’s a naked, dead, strangled hooker. Shae or some shit like that. I forget.

Cersei: Oh yes. I vaguely recall this person existing. Sansa’s maid or something? She gave evidence at the trial. What is she doing here?

Kevan: You’re really asking what a hooker is doing in your father’s bed? Because that seems like a silly question.

Cersei: Well father would NEVER see a hooker. So he must have just been questioning her about Sansa’s disappearance.

Kevan: Yes. That sounds reasonable. He was questioning her in the middle of the night, in his bedchamber, while she was naked. You clearly have a tight grasp on reality, Cersei.

Cersei: Kettleblack! You and your brother find out some way to get rid of this dead hooker!

Osmund: You’re saying that like it’s a challenging thing to do. This is a medieval society, Cersei. Dead hooker removal is one of the top three things that knights have to do for their Lords and Ladies. Trust me, this will not be a problem. We’ll pretty much follow all the standard protocols for dead hooker removal.  I mean just look at our waste management system!

He points over to the corner of the bedroom, where there are four trash cans. One says “Compost,” the second says “Rubbish,” the third says “Recyclables,” and the final says “Dead Hookers.”

Cersei: Okay. And Qyburn! You’re the guy who healed my brother’s hand, right? My dad’s body smells awful. Can you do something about that? Fix him up nice so the corpse looks good and is ready for the Silent Sisters?

Qyburn: Yes, my delightful and wonderful Queen who is the best of all time. So beautiful and smart and cunning! What a great idea. You’re just fabulous. It will be done that because you wish it to be.

Cersei: Did I call you a weirdo earlier? Sorry, I meant you’re the FUCKING BEST because I’m easily susceptible to all forms of flattery. You're going places, Qyburn.

Suddenly, Jaime appears.

Cersei: AGH! Brother. Where the hell did you come from?!

Jaime: A secret passage.  It’s obviously how WHOEVER DID THIS got in here. You know. Uh. Whoever that might have been. I wouldn’t know. *whistles innocently*

Cersei: Secret passages. What the hell?!

Jaime then hugs her.

Cersei: Oh Jaime! You must take father’s place as Hand!

Jaime: Is that some sort of sick fucking joke? A handless man as hand? That’s pretty rough, even for your savage ass, Cersei.

Cersei pushes away, angrily.

Cersei: FINE THEN, ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! I will rule instead! YES! ME! CERSEI! Until Tommen comes of age, I will me the power behind the throne! I will be regent! I WILL RULE ALL! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!

Everyone standing around looks at her like she’s crazy. Which she fucking is.

Kevan: Can you two lovebirds take this outside?

Cersei: Lovebirds? What are you… oh… oh, I see. Yeah.

Kevan must know too? FUCK! Cersei can’t believe everyone already knows about her and Jaime. Despite that being, you know, a thing that really everyone already knows about and has known about for years but just don’t say in front of her.

Still, as much as she hates Uncle Kevan… he’d make a much better hand than her brother, she thinks. At least she thinks right now. Because she’s so irrational and driven by her thought at the moment that she will change her opinion on that 20 times in the next 20 minutes.

Cersei: (to herself) Lord Mace Tyrell must have had something to do with this! Those damn Tyrells and their daughter! The sneaky plotters! I bet Margaery isn’t even a virgin. She was married to Renly. And while everyone knows that Renly preferred the taste of hippocras, if you placed a tankard of ale before him… he’d drink it up!

Fun fact! This is pretty much as close as the books ever come to saying Renly was gay. Get it? Hippocras = boys and ale = girls. Well, that’s about it. 

Cersei: Soon enough I’ll learn the truth from the Tyrells! Varys knows everything, and I’ll use him to find out what they… uhh… wait a second…

Cersei thinks back upon everyone who was in the room with her dead father. It was everyone. Except Varys. And Varys is the eyes and ears of Kings Landing. He knows everything and gets there first. Yet Varys wasn’t there this time. Where the fuck is Varys?

Cersei: SHIT!!!!! VARYS MUST BE PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO!

Cersei is paranoid. But she’s not wrong.

Cersei: TRANT!

Meryn Trant: What?

Cersei: Go find Varys! Bring him to me.

Meryn: Uh, sure.

Meryn is about to leave, but as he heads out Boros Blount comes in.

Boros: So you want the good news or the bad news?

Cersei: …

Boros: I mean the good news is that the 7-Eleven by Fishmonger’s Square has Bugles again. You know? Bugles? Those little triangle corn snacks that you can stick on your fingers?

Meryn: Well, triangles are a 2-D shape. I think you mean “pyramid.”

Boros: Oh. Well. If you’re gonna be anal about it… technically it would be a “cone” because it has a circular bottom.

Meryn: Pyramid is still right. A cone is just a type of pyramid.

Boros: No it’s not! Cones are different from pyramids because the circular base!

Meryn: They’re different from SOME pyramids. All cones are pyramids, but not all pyramids are cones.  Cones are just a subset of pyramids.

Boros: NO THEY’RE NOT! THEY’RE—

Cersei: --JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, JUST TELL ME THE BAD NEWS, BOROS!

Boros: Oh, Tyrion is missing.

Cersei: *faints like a dainty southern lady*

Boros: Cersei? Cersei? Cersei?!