Hey wait, what the fuck is this? The Prophet?!
Aeron Greyjoy: Yes. I am Aeron Greyjoy. Brother to King Balon. Uncle to Theon and Asha. I am a great and very religious man, having been saved by the Drowned God. You may call me “The Prophet” due to my great and holiness. Just look how holy I am!
Aeron drowns a couple of people in the water. Because that’s sort of a thing that they do in the Iron Isles.
So I guess we’re doing POV chapters with epithets now.
Aeron: Yes. And instead of only focusing on a handful of characters who have a number of POV chapters, now we’re expanding the POV chapters to numerous minor characters who only get 1 or 2 chapters in the entire book.
Oh, okay. So I guess we’ll see a chapter titled “The Prophet II” then?
Aeron: No.
So you won’t have another POV?
Aeron: Oh no, I will.
WHAT?!
Aeron: I’ll appear again in this book, but next time my chapter will be titled “The Drowned Man” rather than “The Prophet.”
WHAT THE FUCK?! So we’re expanding the POVs out to multiple new characters, we’re not actually providing the names of those characters because we’re instead doing this cutesy fucking thing with epithets… and not only that… but the epithets themselves won’t actually stay the same from Chapter to Chapter? That means new fucking obscure characters will show up and it will take several goddamn minutes of reading before we can even figure out who the chapter is about?!
Aeron: Yep.
No wonder everyone agrees this is the worst of all the Ice and Fire Books.
Aeron: Can we get on with the chapter?
Sure.
Aeron is drowning some dudes. Not like "drowning-drowning" though. You've seen the TV show. You know what I mean. Drowning them just enough so that they sit there dead for a second, but then cough up water again and are "reborn."
Dudes: AGH!!!
Suddenly three horsemen ride up. As the approach, Aeron recognizes them. They are the local lord of the Sparr, his son Steffarion, and Gormond Goodbrother. Don’t worry about them though because they don’t matter. There are exposition delivery machines, just like the rest of these worthless minor characters being given POV chapters in this book.
Aeron: Fuck do you guys want? Can’t you see I’m drowning people here. But not drowning-drowning. You know what I mean.
Gormond: Hey, your brother is dead.
Aeron: Well, I have a couple of brothers.
Gormond: The king one, I mean. Balon. Slipped off a bridge during a storm or some shit like that.
Aeron: Oh, am I just learning about this now? That happened tons of time ago. That happened before either Robb or Joffrey were dead. People thousands of miles away have already heard this news and I’m just a few islands over.
Gormond: This chapter is not chronologically correct. It’s supposed to have taken place in the middle of the last book. Don’t worry about the little shit like that, dude.
Aeron: Well, Balon must have incurred the wrath of the great Cthulhu. Which means he deserved to die since he was an unholy man. Unlike me. Who is godly.
Gormond: Ugh. Yep. You sound like you vote Republican.
Aeron: Mass shootings are unavoidable and childhood cancer is God’s will. Hurricanes kill people because of gay marriage.
Gormond: Okay, confirmed. Now you need to come to my dad’s house for some reason that is explained in the chapter, but I’m not going to bother with here.
They go to Gormond’s dad’s house. That’s Gorald, I guess. Whatever.
Gorald: Hey. So you know about your dead bro, right?
Aeron: Yes.
Gorald: Did you also know that your OTHER brother, Euron, AKA the Crow’s Eye sailed into town the day AFTER Balon’s death?
Aeron: Sounds like some suspicious timing. Balon dies and Euron arrives… both at about the same time.
Gorald: Yes. It’s the type of “subtle hint” in the book that we’re supposed to draw conclusions from but then the TV show is more direct and just like, “Yeah, Euron fucking did it. Why even pretend he didn’t?” But the point is – when he arrived he sat on the Seastone Chair and declared himself king. He sent letters to all us Iron Men castle-holder types telling us to pledge fealty. My castle is called Hammerhorn. If you care.
Aeron: I don't care. Also, WHAT?! Euron is an UNHOLY MAN! He once voted for women’s reproductive rights. Totally unacceptable. His arrival must be funded by the Jewish-George Soros conspiracy. He is not worthy to sit on the throne!
Gorald: Well, he is Balon’s eldest brother. Also, now you're taking this Republican joke thing a little too far.
Gorald’s Maester, Murenmure (don't worry... there will not be a quiz and Murenmure will never be mentioned again): By rights, the throne should pass to Balon’s children. Theon or Asha.
Aeron: Fuck that. You should pledge fealty to no one! Okay, I’m out.
Aeron leaves. This time with one of Gorald’s other sons, Greydon, as an escort. Who cares, right?
Greydon: So you think there’s going to be a war for the Iron (Isles) Throne?
Aeron: Oh, Euron will fight to keep the throne, for sure. But neither Asha—a mere woman with a vagina and therefore less than a man according to religious teaching—or Theon are worthy competitors. No, if we want to put a candidate up against Euron it will have to be my other brother, Victarion! Victarion must be King of the Iron Isles!
Greydon: Wait. Victarion? The guy who got left out of the TV show because he’s so useless and uninteresting?
Aeron: Aye, that’s the one. A holy man.
Greydon: A holy man? Didn’t he beat his wife to death or something?
Aeron: Correct. This is a strong conservative value. #maketheironborngreatagain
And so Aerson goes wandering from town to town, to spread the news of Balon’s death. That’s the type of thing that wandering crazy prophet types do. The drowns more people in the sea because that’s also a crazy prophet thing. As he does so – he prays to the Drowned God for guidance. Eventually, a revelation comes to him for what he must do.
The next day he meets with someone called Merlyn.
Merlyn: Am I King Arthur’s wizard or something?
Aeron: No.You are Meldred Merlyn, the head of House Merlyn and Lord of Pebbleton.
Merlyn: Oh. Hey, I got this letter from Euron saying that I need to bend the knee to him. You’re his brother. What would you recommend?
Aeron: Do not bend the knee! A vision has come to me for what we must do… for we must have… a k—
Merlyn: --Kingsmoot?
Aeron: Uh, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. How did you know? It’s an ancient and obscure tradition that hasn’t been done for like over a thousand years. Where after the king dies, a number of candidates put their name forward and give their case for which of them should rule.
Merlyn: Dude, this chapter is totally set in the past. Chapter 45 of A Storm of Swords already features a conversation about how the forces of the Iron Isles have retreated back so that they can attend a Kingsmoot. This is all old news.
Aeron: Oh.
Merlyn: Why are you even for a Kingsmoot? It sounds sort of… uhh… Democratic.
Aeron: Right. I’m all for Democracy. So long as the system is fixed by an antiquated Electoral College system that ensures that conservative, backwater sexist racists can lose the popular vote but still win the election. Democracy is great if the will of the majority can be nullified when it doesn’t conform with my wishes.
Merlyn: Ugh. This chapter is way too political and I hate it.
Everyone: KINGSMOOT! KINGSMOOT! SKINGSMOOT!
Aeron Greyjoy: Yes. I am Aeron Greyjoy. Brother to King Balon. Uncle to Theon and Asha. I am a great and very religious man, having been saved by the Drowned God. You may call me “The Prophet” due to my great and holiness. Just look how holy I am!
Aeron drowns a couple of people in the water. Because that’s sort of a thing that they do in the Iron Isles.
So I guess we’re doing POV chapters with epithets now.
Aeron: Yes. And instead of only focusing on a handful of characters who have a number of POV chapters, now we’re expanding the POV chapters to numerous minor characters who only get 1 or 2 chapters in the entire book.
Oh, okay. So I guess we’ll see a chapter titled “The Prophet II” then?
Aeron: No.
So you won’t have another POV?
Aeron: Oh no, I will.
WHAT?!
Aeron: I’ll appear again in this book, but next time my chapter will be titled “The Drowned Man” rather than “The Prophet.”
WHAT THE FUCK?! So we’re expanding the POVs out to multiple new characters, we’re not actually providing the names of those characters because we’re instead doing this cutesy fucking thing with epithets… and not only that… but the epithets themselves won’t actually stay the same from Chapter to Chapter? That means new fucking obscure characters will show up and it will take several goddamn minutes of reading before we can even figure out who the chapter is about?!
Aeron: Yep.
No wonder everyone agrees this is the worst of all the Ice and Fire Books.
Aeron: Can we get on with the chapter?
Sure.
Aeron is drowning some dudes. Not like "drowning-drowning" though. You've seen the TV show. You know what I mean. Drowning them just enough so that they sit there dead for a second, but then cough up water again and are "reborn."
Dudes: AGH!!!
Suddenly three horsemen ride up. As the approach, Aeron recognizes them. They are the local lord of the Sparr, his son Steffarion, and Gormond Goodbrother. Don’t worry about them though because they don’t matter. There are exposition delivery machines, just like the rest of these worthless minor characters being given POV chapters in this book.
Aeron: Fuck do you guys want? Can’t you see I’m drowning people here. But not drowning-drowning. You know what I mean.
Gormond: Hey, your brother is dead.
Aeron: Well, I have a couple of brothers.
Gormond: The king one, I mean. Balon. Slipped off a bridge during a storm or some shit like that.
Aeron: Oh, am I just learning about this now? That happened tons of time ago. That happened before either Robb or Joffrey were dead. People thousands of miles away have already heard this news and I’m just a few islands over.
Gormond: This chapter is not chronologically correct. It’s supposed to have taken place in the middle of the last book. Don’t worry about the little shit like that, dude.
Aeron: Well, Balon must have incurred the wrath of the great Cthulhu. Which means he deserved to die since he was an unholy man. Unlike me. Who is godly.
Gormond: Ugh. Yep. You sound like you vote Republican.
Aeron: Mass shootings are unavoidable and childhood cancer is God’s will. Hurricanes kill people because of gay marriage.
Gormond: Okay, confirmed. Now you need to come to my dad’s house for some reason that is explained in the chapter, but I’m not going to bother with here.
They go to Gormond’s dad’s house. That’s Gorald, I guess. Whatever.
Gorald: Hey. So you know about your dead bro, right?
Aeron: Yes.
Gorald: Did you also know that your OTHER brother, Euron, AKA the Crow’s Eye sailed into town the day AFTER Balon’s death?
Aeron: Sounds like some suspicious timing. Balon dies and Euron arrives… both at about the same time.
Gorald: Yes. It’s the type of “subtle hint” in the book that we’re supposed to draw conclusions from but then the TV show is more direct and just like, “Yeah, Euron fucking did it. Why even pretend he didn’t?” But the point is – when he arrived he sat on the Seastone Chair and declared himself king. He sent letters to all us Iron Men castle-holder types telling us to pledge fealty. My castle is called Hammerhorn. If you care.
Aeron: I don't care. Also, WHAT?! Euron is an UNHOLY MAN! He once voted for women’s reproductive rights. Totally unacceptable. His arrival must be funded by the Jewish-George Soros conspiracy. He is not worthy to sit on the throne!
Gorald: Well, he is Balon’s eldest brother. Also, now you're taking this Republican joke thing a little too far.
Gorald’s Maester, Murenmure (don't worry... there will not be a quiz and Murenmure will never be mentioned again): By rights, the throne should pass to Balon’s children. Theon or Asha.
Aeron: Fuck that. You should pledge fealty to no one! Okay, I’m out.
Aeron leaves. This time with one of Gorald’s other sons, Greydon, as an escort. Who cares, right?
Greydon: So you think there’s going to be a war for the Iron (Isles) Throne?
Aeron: Oh, Euron will fight to keep the throne, for sure. But neither Asha—a mere woman with a vagina and therefore less than a man according to religious teaching—or Theon are worthy competitors. No, if we want to put a candidate up against Euron it will have to be my other brother, Victarion! Victarion must be King of the Iron Isles!
Greydon: Wait. Victarion? The guy who got left out of the TV show because he’s so useless and uninteresting?
Aeron: Aye, that’s the one. A holy man.
Greydon: A holy man? Didn’t he beat his wife to death or something?
Aeron: Correct. This is a strong conservative value. #maketheironborngreatagain
And so Aerson goes wandering from town to town, to spread the news of Balon’s death. That’s the type of thing that wandering crazy prophet types do. The drowns more people in the sea because that’s also a crazy prophet thing. As he does so – he prays to the Drowned God for guidance. Eventually, a revelation comes to him for what he must do.
The next day he meets with someone called Merlyn.
Merlyn: Am I King Arthur’s wizard or something?
Aeron: No.You are Meldred Merlyn, the head of House Merlyn and Lord of Pebbleton.
Merlyn: Oh. Hey, I got this letter from Euron saying that I need to bend the knee to him. You’re his brother. What would you recommend?
Aeron: Do not bend the knee! A vision has come to me for what we must do… for we must have… a k—
Merlyn: --Kingsmoot?
Aeron: Uh, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. How did you know? It’s an ancient and obscure tradition that hasn’t been done for like over a thousand years. Where after the king dies, a number of candidates put their name forward and give their case for which of them should rule.
Merlyn: Dude, this chapter is totally set in the past. Chapter 45 of A Storm of Swords already features a conversation about how the forces of the Iron Isles have retreated back so that they can attend a Kingsmoot. This is all old news.
Aeron: Oh.
Merlyn: Why are you even for a Kingsmoot? It sounds sort of… uhh… Democratic.
Aeron: Right. I’m all for Democracy. So long as the system is fixed by an antiquated Electoral College system that ensures that conservative, backwater sexist racists can lose the popular vote but still win the election. Democracy is great if the will of the majority can be nullified when it doesn’t conform with my wishes.
Merlyn: Ugh. This chapter is way too political and I hate it.
Everyone: KINGSMOOT! KINGSMOOT! SKINGSMOOT!
No comments:
Post a Comment