AFfC 4: Brienne I

On the road to Duskendale, Brienne asks everyone about you-know-who.
Brienne: Hey, have you met a redhead teenage girl on the road? Cute. Looks sort of like Sansa Stark but, you know, definitely isn’t her. She’s maybe tagging along with a fool or a jester. Like, you know, how Sansa Stark is also theoretically with one of those. But not her. Someone like her.

Random Person on Road: Wow, you are so fucking weird.

Still, Brienne persist because she promised Jaime that she would. Oh, and also Cat I guess too. Although where the hell would she take Sansa when she found her? Her whole family has been murdered.

As the night falls, she comes across two more travelers on the road.

Ser Creighton Longbough: Greetings, for I am the hedge knight, Ser Creighton Longbough. And this is Ser Illifer the Penniless.

Illifer: Yo. You’re really dressed strange for a woman.

Brienne: I am.

Creighton: Come, have dinner with us, weary traveler.

Brienne: Hrm. I dunno. If these books have taught me anything, it’s that everyone you meet on the road is some criminal with an ulterior motive. But then again I am bigger and better armed than easy of you. So if you do try some shit, I can probably just kill you.

She dismounts and joins them.

Brienne: Oh, have you seen a ginger girl? Cute. Young teen. Looks like Sophie Turner? Maybe she’s traveling with a fool?

Illifer: You mean Sansa Stark and Dontos?

Brienne: Uhhhhhhhh… no.

Creighton: So where you headed, lady?

Brienne: Duskendale.

Illifer: Cool. So are we.

Creighton: Perhaps we should ride together. Safety in numbers, ya know.

Brienne: Well, uhh, I don’t know about tha—

Illifer: WAIT! What is that crest on your chest?! You have the crest of some old, extinct house! You’re riding under a false identity. But I’m smart enough to figure out who you REALLY are. Big ass woman. Huge. Ugly as fuck. You must be Brienne of Tarth… the murderer of Renly!

Brienne: WHAT?! NO! I mean… yeah… I’m Brienne of Tarth, that’s true. But that Renly stuff is bullshit. I loved---er… I mean, I made an oath to protect him and I saw a Shadow with the Face of Stannis Baratheon murder him. It was black magic! I swear on my honor the stories about me are not true. 

Illifer: Hrmm. I dunno about that.

Creighton: Yes. Well. We can worry about that shit later. Now we rest.

Brienne doesn’t know whether to trust these two, but she is really, really tired. She tries to sleep with one eye open, but eventually falls asleep. The next morning she awakens, and is super surprised to find out that she hasn’t been murdered and her shit hasn’t been stolen.

Creighton: Yeah, come on Brienne. Don’t profile us like that. We’re just two legit hedge knights. Trying to do our thing.

And so with the dawn it is time to ride again, and they head out. As they travel, they run into a bunch of filthy, poor, chanting folks.

Brienne: Who are you?

Sparrows: We are Sparrows! Followers of the Seven Gods! Great sin has fallen upon this kingdom! We are transporting the bones of a murdered clergyman to King’s Landing. Join us! Join us on our holy quest to restore honor and religion.

Creighton: Nah, no thanks. Sounds boring.

Illifer: Yeah, we’re hedge knights out for a profit and adventure.

Sparrows: SINNERS! Renounce your worldly ways! You should be knights of the faith!

Creighton: Nope. Again, suuuuuuper boring.

Brienne: Hey! Why are you just asking those two guys to join you? Why not me?

Sparrows: HAHAHAHA! A woman playing a role in religion?!  That’s crazy!

Brienne: Have you seen a girl that – let’s face it – looks exactly like Sansa Stark?

Sparrows: No. Adios.

And so they leave.

Creighton: Wow. A murdered clergyman, huh? Who the fuck would kill a Septon?

Brienne: Based on this book series? Ahhh… pretty much anyone on any side of this war. I mean probably someone on team Clegane, but it could just as easily been someone allied with the Starks. You know, back when being allied with the Starks was still a thing.

They continue on and run into a merchant.

Hibald: Greetings, I am Hibald. These are my servants and my knight, Ser Shadrich. He is, as you would assume, obviously rich in Shad. He has all the Shad you could ever imagine! He has pools and pools of Shad at home, which he swims in like Scrooge McDuck. Except, instead of gold coins, he has Shad.

Illifer: What the fuck is Shad?

Creighton: I’m pretty sure it’s a fish. Like some type of herring.

Brienne: That doesn’t matter, please stop talking about fish. Good Hibald, tell me have you seen a young girl with auburn hair and blue eyes, perhaps accompanied by a stout knight or a fool?

Hibald: Do you mean Sansa Stark and Dontos?

Brienne: Uhh… no?

Hibald: Because there are, like, arrest warrants posted on the walls of every single post office in the Seven Kingdoms asking for any information about them. And that is exactly how the two are described. There is a HUGE REWARD to find them.

Brienne: No, I’m looking for a different pair. This girl is, like, my sister or something.

Hibald: Well, I ran into you. I guess I’m joining this group now.

So now Hibald and his crew join Brienne and her crew.

Shadrich rides up to her.

Shadrich: Don’t pretend, I totally know you’re looking for Sansa Stark.

Brienne: Nuh-uh.

Shadrich: The eunuch Varys has a reward for her. Come on! You can admit it.

Finally they arrive at an inn late in the day. They get a room and there are lots of internal monologues. Yadda yadda yadda. Jaime Lannister. Oathkeeper. Renly. And so on.  Finally, everyone goes to sleep and Brienne sneaks away, leaving everyone behind.

Brienne: That was getting to be way too much. It was like one of those RPG video games where new people join your party and you're like, "No! I don't want them!" But it's built into the plot of the game and they have to follow you, so you can't say no. I was having a whole fucking posse follow me. Forget that nonsense.

She heads out on the road, alone, in the black of night.

AFfC 3: Cersei I

Finally, a properly titled chapter! Oh wait. Cersei has POVs now?

Cersei: I do.

Is this gonna be like with Jaime? You know how we all hated him at first until we had his POV chapters? Then after we got in his head we saw he wasn’t so bad after all. In fact, many of the decisions he made that he was vilified for were, in fact, moral decisions.  Even his most questionable act of pushing Bran from that window, while still terrible, can be viewed from the lens of “protecting his family.”

Cersei: No. My POV chapters will only help to solidify me as a batshit crazy, power-mad person with an increasingly tenuous and warped perception of the world.

Oh. Surely there is something we can like about you. You’re at least a feminist, right? Like your perception that you should have power is based on the fact that women should be treated equally to men and have just as much right to rule.

Cersei: I guess some people could read it that way. But then again you can also read it as the only woman I support having power is ME and I generally have disdain or contempt for other women that are not me, unless they are sycophants who suck up to me.

Okay. So what’s up with you?

Cersei: I just woke up from a dream where I was sitting on the Iron Throne. It was a great dream. Until Tyrion came along and started mocking me and haunting me! That monster! Everything that is wrong in the world is his fault! Oh, also I was on the Throne naked. It’s sort of like that nightmare you have in school about giving a presentation naked.

Osmund Kettleblack: Cersei, are you okay? You were thrashing around in your sleep and now you seem to be talking to some sort of narrator that none of the rest of us can hear.

Cersei: No, I’m fine. What’s up? And why are you waking me up at this hour?

Osmund: Oh, you know. No big reason. Just a tiny little update I have to give you. Your father has been murdered while sitting on the shitter.

Cersei: Oh, well if that’s it then I’ll just go back to sleep for another couple of---WHAAAAAAAA?

Osmund: Yep.

Cersei: TYRION! TYRION MUST HAVE DONE IT! I BLAME HIM FOR EVERYTHING!

Osmund: Posh, posh. That’s crazy now. He’s locked away in a jail cell.

Cersei: TOMMEN! OH MY GOD, TOMMEN! Tyrion said he was going to do horrible things to him!

Osmund: We’ve checked. Tommen is safe and fine being protected by Loras Tyrell.

Cersei: Oh yeah. Fucking LORAS. That makes me feel really safe. Well, we better send someone to just double check that Tyrion is still in his prison cell.

Osmund: Sure. That sounds like some bitch work that we should have a bitch like Boros Blount do.

Cersei then starts extensively thinking to herself. If her father is dead, then now she is the lady of Casterly Rock and head of the Lannister family (Jaime can’t inherit as he’s taken his vows as a Kingsguard). She then goes to the Tower of the Hand just to see if the story is true.

When she arrives, she sees a bunch of people are already there. Her Uncle Kevan, Qyburn, Meryn Trant. Pretty much everyone who lives in the Red Keep.

Cersei: What the fuck?! Am I literally the last person being told about my father being murdered? I’m his daughter and heir! Even this weirdo Qyburn guy! Shouldn’t I have known fi--- HEY! What the hell is this over here in father’s bed?

Kevan: It’s a naked, dead, strangled hooker. Shae or some shit like that. I forget.

Cersei: Oh yes. I vaguely recall this person existing. Sansa’s maid or something? She gave evidence at the trial. What is she doing here?

Kevan: You’re really asking what a hooker is doing in your father’s bed? Because that seems like a silly question.

Cersei: Well father would NEVER see a hooker. So he must have just been questioning her about Sansa’s disappearance.

Kevan: Yes. That sounds reasonable. He was questioning her in the middle of the night, in his bedchamber, while she was naked. You clearly have a tight grasp on reality, Cersei.

Cersei: Kettleblack! You and your brother find out some way to get rid of this dead hooker!

Osmund: You’re saying that like it’s a challenging thing to do. This is a medieval society, Cersei. Dead hooker removal is one of the top three things that knights have to do for their Lords and Ladies. Trust me, this will not be a problem. We’ll pretty much follow all the standard protocols for dead hooker removal.  I mean just look at our waste management system!

He points over to the corner of the bedroom, where there are four trash cans. One says “Compost,” the second says “Rubbish,” the third says “Recyclables,” and the final says “Dead Hookers.”

Cersei: Okay. And Qyburn! You’re the guy who healed my brother’s hand, right? My dad’s body smells awful. Can you do something about that? Fix him up nice so the corpse looks good and is ready for the Silent Sisters?

Qyburn: Yes, my delightful and wonderful Queen who is the best of all time. So beautiful and smart and cunning! What a great idea. You’re just fabulous. It will be done that because you wish it to be.

Cersei: Did I call you a weirdo earlier? Sorry, I meant you’re the FUCKING BEST because I’m easily susceptible to all forms of flattery. You're going places, Qyburn.

Suddenly, Jaime appears.

Cersei: AGH! Brother. Where the hell did you come from?!

Jaime: A secret passage.  It’s obviously how WHOEVER DID THIS got in here. You know. Uh. Whoever that might have been. I wouldn’t know. *whistles innocently*

Cersei: Secret passages. What the hell?!

Jaime then hugs her.

Cersei: Oh Jaime! You must take father’s place as Hand!

Jaime: Is that some sort of sick fucking joke? A handless man as hand? That’s pretty rough, even for your savage ass, Cersei.

Cersei pushes away, angrily.

Cersei: FINE THEN, ASSHOLE! I HATE YOU! I will rule instead! YES! ME! CERSEI! Until Tommen comes of age, I will me the power behind the throne! I will be regent! I WILL RULE ALL! MWAHAHAHA!!!!!

Everyone standing around looks at her like she’s crazy. Which she fucking is.

Kevan: Can you two lovebirds take this outside?

Cersei: Lovebirds? What are you… oh… oh, I see. Yeah.

Kevan must know too? FUCK! Cersei can’t believe everyone already knows about her and Jaime. Despite that being, you know, a thing that really everyone already knows about and has known about for years but just don’t say in front of her.

Still, as much as she hates Uncle Kevan… he’d make a much better hand than her brother, she thinks. At least she thinks right now. Because she’s so irrational and driven by her thought at the moment that she will change her opinion on that 20 times in the next 20 minutes.

Cersei: (to herself) Lord Mace Tyrell must have had something to do with this! Those damn Tyrells and their daughter! The sneaky plotters! I bet Margaery isn’t even a virgin. She was married to Renly. And while everyone knows that Renly preferred the taste of hippocras, if you placed a tankard of ale before him… he’d drink it up!

Fun fact! This is pretty much as close as the books ever come to saying Renly was gay. Get it? Hippocras = boys and ale = girls. Well, that’s about it. 

Cersei: Soon enough I’ll learn the truth from the Tyrells! Varys knows everything, and I’ll use him to find out what they… uhh… wait a second…

Cersei thinks back upon everyone who was in the room with her dead father. It was everyone. Except Varys. And Varys is the eyes and ears of Kings Landing. He knows everything and gets there first. Yet Varys wasn’t there this time. Where the fuck is Varys?

Cersei: SHIT!!!!! VARYS MUST BE PART OF THE CONSPIRACY TOO!

Cersei is paranoid. But she’s not wrong.

Cersei: TRANT!

Meryn Trant: What?

Cersei: Go find Varys! Bring him to me.

Meryn: Uh, sure.

Meryn is about to leave, but as he heads out Boros Blount comes in.

Boros: So you want the good news or the bad news?

Cersei: …

Boros: I mean the good news is that the 7-Eleven by Fishmonger’s Square has Bugles again. You know? Bugles? Those little triangle corn snacks that you can stick on your fingers?

Meryn: Well, triangles are a 2-D shape. I think you mean “pyramid.”

Boros: Oh. Well. If you’re gonna be anal about it… technically it would be a “cone” because it has a circular bottom.

Meryn: Pyramid is still right. A cone is just a type of pyramid.

Boros: No it’s not! Cones are different from pyramids because the circular base!

Meryn: They’re different from SOME pyramids. All cones are pyramids, but not all pyramids are cones.  Cones are just a subset of pyramids.

Boros: NO THEY’RE NOT! THEY’RE—

Cersei: --JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, JUST TELL ME THE BAD NEWS, BOROS!

Boros: Oh, Tyrion is missing.

Cersei: *faints like a dainty southern lady*

Boros: Cersei? Cersei? Cersei?!

AFfC 2: The Captain of Guards (Areo Hotah)

Ugh. Another epithet chapter? Okay… I’ve been reading this for two pages and I still have no idea who this is about.

Areo Hotah: It’s about me, Areo Hotah.

Who the fuck are you?

Areo: The Captain of the Guards in Dorne.

Well FUCKING OBVIOUSLY. But you’ve never been mentioned before. Or have you? I dunno. Why should I give a fuck about you? None of us know anything about Dorne. Why are these new Chapters all about Dorne and the Iron Isles? WE DON’T CARE  ABOUT YOU!!! NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOU!
Areo: That makes me sad. The Dorne story isn’t as terrible in the books as it is in the show. I swear!
   
If you say so.

Anyway, here we are in the Water Gardens of Dorne. This is Dorne’s version of a nice little summer retreat home where the Prince of Dorne, Doran Martell lives. But instead of occasionally visiting here for a bit of relaxation – Doran spends 100% of his time here and never goes back to the capitol of Sunspear. He has some leg gout and is pretty much a lazy asshole.

Areo guards the Prince, as he sits there watching the children play. But not in a creepy “this man should be arrested and not allowed within 100 yards of schools” sort of way. In an endearing way.

Obara “Whalerider” Sand: HEY THERE UNCLE!

Prince Doran: Ah, Obara… one of my brother Oberyn’s bastard daughters, aka THE SAND SNAKES. To what do I owe the honor?

Obara: Yeah, so, uh… my father is dead. Huh?

Doran: Yep.

Obara: And what are we doing about it? Because it looks like the way of getting revenge for the Lannisters murdering my father, AKA THE AWESOME RED VIPER RIP, is for you to sit in a garden and watch children play.

With Obara getting aggressive, Aero puts his axe up to block her passage. But that’s about all he’ll contribute to this chapter because he’s a worthless POS POV.

Areo: HEY!

Doran: No Areo, put your weapon down and let Obara come forward. Look my niece, if The Red Viper had been murdered it would be one thing. But he was not murdered. He was slain in lawful, single combat which he agreed to.

Obara: This is such bullshit. We should be marching north to obtain vengeance! Not just for my dad… but for Elia too! How many years have you sat by and done NOTHING to avenge Elia?!

Doran: Lord Tywin has promised us vengeance for her. He is sending us  the head of Gregor Clegane. My brother and the Mountain both died in that fight.

Obara: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR!

Doran: Okay, get the fuck out of my face now.

She leaves.  Oh, and Doran’s Maester is also there. Did I not mention that? Because he arrived with Obara or something.

Maester Caleotte: Prince Doran, Obara is likely to return to Sunspear and stir up the crowds, encouraging war.

Doran: Yeah, yeah. I know. I guess I should leave these gardens and go back to Sunspear and rule my kingdom, huh? You know… try to get ahead of all this bullshit?  We should head out first thing in the morning. The crack of dawn! Yes, indeed. Of course, the flipside of that is once I’m back in Sunspear everyone will see just how gouty and infirm I have gotten. Word will get back to the Lannisters. Likely from that fucking White Cloak Ser Arys Oakheart who came along with Princess Myrcella.

Doran then chats with Areo for a bit, and Aero goes to bed that night and thinks about his past and stupid, meaningless backstory that nobody should care about. You will not see another POV from him in this book… so why even fucking bother learning about him or his childhood in Norvos?

The next day, the party eventually gets underway to head back to Sunspear. It’s several hours later than Prince Doran had said they’d leave because obviously this lazy, gouty motherfucker is just totally worthless, right? I mean it’s not like secretly he’s a mastermind with brilliant, Littlefinger-like machinations being planned? Because that would be an extra twist to his character that would make Doran interesting and worthy of the casting of brilliant actor Alexander Siddig. You’d definitely want to cast Alexander Siddig if you had a complex, layered character who is properly developed over the course of time.  It would be a giant waste if you hired Alexander Siddig and then just fucking threw away the character and made him worthless by only showing the seemingly incompetent, gout-ridden, moron version of the character that would do nothing to defend the honor of Dorne or his slain siblings. 

As the caravan towards Sunspear heads out, another of the Sand Snakes arrives and confronts Prince Doran.

Lady Nymeria “Colleen Wing” Sand: Hi, I’m Sand Snake #2! I am also furious about my father’s murder and wish to know what you are going to do about it.

Doran: How is this conversation going to differ from the earlier one with Obara?

Nymeria: It isn’t. This confrontation is simply an exposition tool to reveal that there are three Sand Snakes, and to provide descriptions for us. From Areo’s point of view, he finds Obara ugly and me beautiful.

Doran: Okay. Bye.

Nymeria: Bye!

By sunset, Doran and his party arrive at Sunspear.  There, they find the townspeople all spun up.
Townspeople: WAR! WAR! WAR! WAR! YEAAAH! WAR!

They throw fruit at Doran’s caravan. Because that’s what dissatisfied townspeople did back in the day before they had both Twitter and unfettered access to military-grade assault weapons to express their anger.

They arrive in the Martell stronghold and find Princess Arianne Martell, Doran’s daughter. waiting for them.

Areo: GODDAMN. Arianne is a 10/10. Remember how I thought Nymeria was hot? Arianne is Grade-A, smoking!

Arianne: Hey daddy.

Doran: Hey there, best single character in the entire Ice and Fire series that was left out the TV show for no good reason because your character would have fucking rocked and easily been a fan favorite. What’s up?

Arianne: The third of the Sand Snakes, Tyene Sand, is waiting for you and would like a private word.

Doran: Of course she is. Okay, I’ll go see here.

Doran goes to see her. Areo also gives his internal reflections on the appearance and attractiveness of her, but do you really care?
Doran: I suppose you’re also here to tell me that we should go to war? That we should send an army up north and attack?

Tyene “Bad Pussy” Sand: No, of course not.

Doran: Well that’s a relief for once. 

Tyene: I mean why fight on their home turf? A war is coming… but we should make THEM MARCH TO US!

Doran: Oh god. Why didn’t I see this twist coming?

Tyene: We have Princess Myrcella here. Let’s just have her and Prince Trystane marry and declare her as the true Queen of the Iron Throne. She is older than Tommen, after all.  In Dorne, the law says that the eldest shall inherit, regardless of their sex. And she is in Dorne!  The Seven Kingdoms will have no choice but to react and send their Army to us to try to get Myrcella back.

Doran: I will…. uhh… think on it.

Tyene: Great, now give your niece a nice big kiss!

She comes forward to kiss her uncle and Areo tries to block her. Doran waves him off and she kisses him on the cheek and leaves.  Maester Caleotte then runs up.

Maester Caleotte: DUDE! You know that’s the Bad Pussy Sand Snake, right? She’s the one with the poison kiss thing!

Doran: Yeah, yeah, yeah. She’s not going to poison her own uncle though. Get out of here. *sigh*

Areo: Dude. What are you going to do? These Sand Snake girls seem to really want some war.

Doran: I guess I gotta do what I gotta do… find all of Oberyn’s daughters. Round them up and have them arrested.

Areo: What about Sarella? Sarella isn’t in Dorne.

Doran: Oh right. SARELLA. She isn’t here at all. SARELLA. She is somewhere else. I wonder what would happen if you spelled that backwards and also went back to the prologue chapter, two chapters ago, and examined it for a similar name of a "man" with feminine qualities that might just be Sarella in disguise.

Areo: You know the people on the streets will be furious when they hear that the Sand Snakes have all been arrested?

Doran: Meh. They'll probably be like--

People on Streets: --WAR! WAR! WAR WAR!

Doran: Yes. They'll be like that.

AFfC 1: The Prophet (Aeron I)

Hey wait, what the fuck is this? The Prophet?!

Aeron Greyjoy: Yes. I am Aeron Greyjoy. Brother to King Balon. Uncle to Theon and Asha. I am a great and very religious man, having been saved by the Drowned God. You may call me “The Prophet” due to my great and holiness. Just look how holy I am!

Aeron drowns a couple of people in the water. Because that’s sort of a thing that they do in the Iron Isles.

So I guess we’re doing POV chapters with epithets now. 
Aeron: Yes. And instead of only focusing on a handful of characters who have a number of POV chapters, now we’re expanding the POV chapters to numerous minor characters who only get 1 or 2 chapters in the entire book.

Oh, okay. So I guess we’ll see a chapter titled “The Prophet II” then?

Aeron: No.

So you won’t have another POV?

Aeron: Oh no, I will.

WHAT?!

Aeron: I’ll appear again in this book, but next time my chapter will be titled “The Drowned Man” rather than “The Prophet.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!  So we’re expanding the POVs out to multiple new characters, we’re not actually providing the names of those characters because we’re instead doing this cutesy fucking thing with epithets… and not only that… but the epithets themselves won’t actually stay the same from Chapter to Chapter?  That means new fucking obscure characters will show up and it will take several goddamn minutes of reading before we can even figure out who the chapter is about?!

Aeron: Yep.

No wonder everyone agrees this is the worst of all the Ice and Fire Books.

Aeron: Can we get on with the chapter?

Sure.

Aeron is drowning some dudes. Not like "drowning-drowning" though. You've seen the TV show. You know what I mean. Drowning them just enough so that they sit there dead for a second, but then cough up water again and are "reborn."

Dudes: AGH!!!

Suddenly three horsemen ride up. As the approach, Aeron recognizes them. They are the local lord of the Sparr, his son Steffarion, and Gormond Goodbrother. Don’t worry about them though because they don’t matter. There are exposition delivery machines, just like the rest of these worthless minor characters being given POV chapters in this book.

Aeron: Fuck do you guys want? Can’t you see I’m drowning people here. But not drowning-drowning. You know what I mean.

Gormond: Hey, your brother is dead.

Aeron: Well, I have a couple of brothers.

Gormond: The king one, I mean. Balon. Slipped off a bridge during a storm or some shit like that.

Aeron: Oh, am I just learning about this now? That happened tons of time ago. That happened before either Robb or Joffrey were dead. People thousands of miles away have already heard this news and I’m just a few islands over.

Gormond: This chapter is not chronologically correct. It’s supposed to have taken place in the middle of the last book. Don’t worry about the little shit like that, dude.

Aeron: Well, Balon must have incurred the wrath of the great Cthulhu. Which means he deserved to die since he was an unholy man. Unlike me. Who is godly.

Gormond: Ugh. Yep. You sound like you vote Republican.

Aeron: Mass shootings are unavoidable and childhood cancer is God’s will. Hurricanes kill people because of gay marriage.

Gormond: Okay, confirmed. Now you need to come to my dad’s house for some reason that is explained in the chapter, but I’m not going to bother with here.

They go to Gormond’s dad’s house. That’s Gorald, I guess. Whatever.

Gorald: Hey. So you know about your dead bro, right?

Aeron: Yes.

Gorald: Did you also know that your OTHER brother, Euron, AKA the Crow’s Eye sailed into town the day AFTER Balon’s death?

Aeron: Sounds like some suspicious timing. Balon dies and Euron arrives… both at about the same time.

Gorald: Yes. It’s the type of “subtle hint” in the book that we’re supposed to draw conclusions from but then the TV show is more direct and just like, “Yeah, Euron fucking did it. Why even pretend he didn’t?” But the point is – when he arrived he sat on the Seastone Chair and declared himself king. He sent letters to all us Iron Men castle-holder types telling us to pledge fealty. My castle is called Hammerhorn. If you care.

Aeron: I don't care. Also, WHAT?! Euron is an UNHOLY MAN! He once voted for women’s reproductive rights. Totally unacceptable. His arrival must be funded by the Jewish-George Soros conspiracy. He is not worthy to sit on the throne!

Gorald: Well, he is Balon’s eldest brother. Also, now you're taking this Republican joke thing a little too far.

Gorald’s Maester, Murenmure (don't worry... there will not be a quiz and Murenmure will never be mentioned again): By rights, the throne should pass to Balon’s children. Theon or Asha.

Aeron: Fuck that. You should pledge fealty to no one!  Okay, I’m out.

Aeron leaves. This time with one of Gorald’s other sons, Greydon, as an escort. Who cares, right?

Greydon: So you think there’s going to be a war for the Iron (Isles) Throne?

Aeron: Oh, Euron will fight to keep the throne, for sure. But neither Asha—a mere woman with a vagina and therefore less than a man according to religious teaching—or Theon are worthy competitors. No, if we want to put a candidate up against Euron it will have to be my other brother, Victarion! Victarion must be King of the Iron Isles!

Greydon: Wait. Victarion? The guy who got left out of the TV show because he’s so useless and uninteresting?

Aeron: Aye, that’s the one. A holy man.

Greydon: A holy man? Didn’t he beat his wife to death or something?

Aeron: Correct. This is a strong conservative value. #maketheironborngreatagain

And so Aerson goes wandering from town to town, to spread the news of Balon’s death. That’s the type of thing that wandering crazy prophet types do.  The drowns more people in the sea because that’s also a crazy prophet thing. As he does so – he prays to the Drowned God for guidance. Eventually, a revelation comes to him for what he must do.

The next day he meets with someone called Merlyn.

Merlyn: Am I King Arthur’s wizard or something?

Aeron: No.You are Meldred Merlyn, the head of House Merlyn and Lord of Pebbleton.

Merlyn: Oh. Hey, I got this letter from Euron saying that I need to bend the knee to him. You’re his brother. What would you recommend?

Aeron: Do not bend the knee! A vision has come to me for what we must do… for we must have… a k—

Merlyn: --Kingsmoot?

Aeron: Uh, yeah. That’s what I was going to say. How did you know? It’s an ancient and obscure tradition that hasn’t been done for like over a thousand years. Where after the king dies, a number of candidates put their name forward and give their case for which of them should rule.

Merlyn: Dude, this chapter is totally set in the past. Chapter 45 of A Storm of Swords already features a conversation about how the forces of the Iron Isles have retreated back so that they can attend a Kingsmoot. This is all old news. 

Aeron: Oh.

Merlyn: Why are you even for a Kingsmoot? It sounds sort of… uhh… Democratic.

Aeron: Right. I’m all for Democracy. So long as the system is fixed by an antiquated Electoral College system that ensures that conservative, backwater sexist racists can lose the popular vote but still win the election.  Democracy is great if the will of the majority can be nullified when it doesn’t conform with my wishes.

Merlyn: Ugh. This chapter is way too political and I hate it.

Everyone: KINGSMOOT! KINGSMOOT! SKINGSMOOT!

A Feast for Crows - Prologue

Everyone, say hi to Pate. 

Everyone: Hi, Pate!

Pate: Hi, Everyone!

Pate is novice in the order of the Maesters at the Citadel of Oldtown. He's named after "Spotted Pate," an ugly, pig-nosed boy from old folk tales. 

Pate: I HATE MY NAME! And I would definitely never introduce myself by citing the Spotted Pate story. Ever. Remember that for the future. 

Pate has been at the Citadel for many years now, trying to earn links on his maester's chain. Try to guess how many he has earned so far. 

Zero. 

Pate seems pretty worthless. And this is, after all, a Prologue chapter. So by now I think you can guess Pate's fate. 

Pate: Hey! That's not true. In the last book, Chett didn't die in the prologue!

True, and while he wasn't technically revealed as dead until a good way through the book - chronologically his death likely only occured a few minutes (or at maximum, hours) after his POV chapter. So yes, if you want to be anal about it... he didn't die in his prologue chapter. He died minutes later. 

Pate: HA! See? They don't always die.

Anyway, Pate is drinking in a tavern with fellow novices who are all training to be maesters - Mollander, Alleras "the Sphinx," Armen, and Roone. Don't bother remembering them. None of them will be important at all.

Alleras: Yes. Especially don't remember me. I'm not important at all. Also, do not notice that I have several traits that might be described as feminine. And especially never spell my name backwards and take note of that spelling for a future "missing" character that might be referenced. EVER.

Rosey the Tavern Maid: Hi guys! What will you have to drink?

Alleras: HEY! WHAT DO YOU MEAN GU-eeerr... yes. I'm a guy. Indeed. *shifty eyes*  I'll have beer.

Everyone else orders beer too. Except for Pate. Pate is too busy drooling and blushing. He's totally in love with Rosey the 15-year old tavern maid. He dreams of running away with her and getting married.

Mollander: Haha, stop being a fucking loser, Pate. You'll never get her

Armen: Yes, to have her... you'll have to win her over with true love.

Roone: Indeed, true love... OR you could simply pay her mother, one of the old tavern wenches that runs this place, a single gold dragon. Because her mother totally has totally been going around and telling everyone that her 15-year old daughter's virginity is for sale for a single gold coin.

Pate: Yes. I know that. That's the only reason I'm here. I met a magical, mysterious, hooded alchemist who promised me that he could turn iron into gold. And he said be back here at the tavern later tonight. All I had to do was steal one item from the citadel for him and he'd do it! Why, if he can turn a regular coin into a gold coin for me, then I could take Rosey's virginity. That's the only reason I'm waiting here at this tavern. It wasn't to hang out with all of you guys. Because I hate you all. You suck.

Mollander: You're just jealous because one of us is totally going to bang Rosey before you.

Pate: WHAT?! NO!

Armen: Yeah. I'd totally do it.

Alleras: Yeah! Me too! With my penis that I have!

Pate: DUDES, SHUT UP! I TOLD YOU ALL I DON'T WANT TO HANG OUT WITH YOU!

Mollander: We don't want to hang out with you anyway. You and your boring talk about fake stuff like alchemists. We're here to talk about real stuff. Real stuff LIKE DRAGONS!

Armen: Oh bull shit! Dragons are extinct.

Mollander: Maybe here in Westeros. But they're alove overseas. Accompanied by a beautiful young queen! The stories are true. There are witnesses.

Alleras: THE DRAGON HAS THREE HEADS!

Roone: Is that some riddle of shit? You know, since we call you "Sphinx," I assume you speak in riddles and shit.

Alleras: No. Not a riddle. The queen you refer to is Daenerys Stormborn, the last of the Targaryens.

Mollander: Ah, yes. The Targaryens. Well, let's have a toast to our rightful queen!

Armen: SHHH!! Dood! Don't say that kind of shit around here. There are spies and snitches everywhere.

A guy walks up. 

Lazy Leo: Hi there. I couldn't help but overhear what this guy said. Sounded sort of treason-ey.

Roone: Fuuuuuuck! Mollander, you idiot!

Alleras: Okay blackmailer, what's your price to shut up?

Lazy Leo: Oh, a few beers should keep me quiet. Now let me drunkenly insult you all and talk about Dany. Oh yeah, she's out there in Essos. And she has three dragons. This is a FACT my men. It's confirmed by Maester Marwyn and he knows about shit like that.

Armen: Dude, Marwyn is fucking crazy in the head.

Lazy Leo: No way. This dude has a Dragonglass candle burning in his chambers.

Armen: More crazy talk. Dragonglass can't catch on fire.

Lazy Leo: It can with MAGIC. OoOoOoo... the spooky type of magic that exists when drafons are back in the world, and the old powers awaken.

Mollander: I think this motherfucker has been reading to much Lovecraft.

Alleras: Come on, let's get out of here. This Leo guy is annoying.

And so they all get up to leave. Everyone except for Pate, who is waiting for the alchemist. Oh, and Leo. Who is still there and being annoying. 

Lazy Leo: Oh man, you and your obsession with Rosey. Such a loser!

Pate: Shut up! SHUT UP! Or I'll kill you!

Lazy Leo: You can't kill me, loser. My full name is actually Leo... TYRELL! Yeah, you're in some deep shit if you mess with me.

Pate: Ugh. Whatever. Just leave me alone.

And so Pate waits it out for the alchemist. And waits. And waits. And waits.

Finally, his groggy eyes open and he realizes that it's dawn.  Even Leo is gone now.

Pate: FUCK! That stupid alchemist never came! I stole that OLD MASTER KEY THAT CAN GET YOU INTO ANYWHERE IN THE CITADEL for no reason.

Pate begins to leave, heading back to the Citadel to return the key. But along the way--

Alchemist: WHOA, hey there buddy!

Pate: DICK! You said you'd be there.

Alchemist: Oh, yeah. Sorry about that man. I just didn't care enough to show up on time. But I'm here now. HEY! How about we go into this back alley where nobody will see or hear whatever I do to you? That seems like a good place to complete our key-for-gold transaction.

Pate: Sure. Sounds reasonable. Especially for a Prologue POV character.

They go into the back alley. 

Alchemist: So man, you got that key for me?  Here is your gold coin!

He flashes some gold. 

Pate: WOW!  A real gold coin! SWEET! But wait a minute... I want to know who you are. Take off that hood hiding your face. I want to know WHY you want this key so bad.

Alchemist: That's none of your beeswax. But if you must know... here...

He pulls off his hood. 

Pate: Oh. Uhm. I have no idea who you are. Here, have this key.

The man is young, with black hair, and a slight scar on his right cheek. He takes the key.

Pate: Hrm. Why does that sound so familiar?

Alchemist: A man has no idea why that sounds so familiar. 

Pate: Why are you talking like that?

Alchemist: Why is a man talking like what?

Pate: LIKE THAT! Exactly like that! Like you're some type of Faceless Man assassin guy.

Alchemist: Oh, well, a man is definitely not an assassin.

The alchemist then murders Pate. 

Jaqen H'ghar*: Or maybe, you know, a man is an assassin.

*Technically not officially confirmed as canon yet, but COME ON people.