Chett drives around in a circle in his orange 1969 Dodge Charger with a Confederate Flag painted on the top.
Chett: YEEEE-HAWWWWWW!!!! Let's catch us up a bear, y'all!!!!
Lark the Sisterman: Stop spinning that car around! You're going to scare the bears away with all that noise.
Small Paul: I wish I had a pet birdie. I love birdies!
Chett: Well, I reckon y'all ain't fixin' to help me catch no bear with my dogs. Cuz my dogs gone and done got all starved. So I'mma hunt with good ol' General Lee here!
He blasts the horn and it plays "Dixie."
Lark: Uhh... wait a minute... who's POV chapter is this?
Then Chett suddenly realizes...
Chett: Why... it's... it's MINE! YESSIREE! CHETT HAS A POV CHAPTER! YOWIEEE!!! I knew I'd be a main character. Why, I tell ya! That Jon Snow and that fat piggy Samwell Tarly... I'll get my revenge on them for taking away my sweet, comfortable job as Maester Aemon's steward! And now that I'm a POV character, I'm going to rise to the top! Oh yes I will!
Lark: But I was just thinking... every character that has so far started off the books with a POV chapter has died.
Chett: W-what?
Small Paul: Yeah. A Game of Thrones began with Will. He died.
Lark: Right. And then A Clash of Kings began with that foolish old Maester of Dragonstone, Cressen, drinking his own poison.
Chett: But... I... uhh... I mean... what? Really? Every POV chapter guy dies?
Lark: I mean so far.
Chett: NO WAY! This is your chapter now, Lark! Take it!
Lark: Nope. Too late. All yours, Chett.
Inconsolable, Chett drinks a bunch of his moonshine that he was initially fixin' to smuggle across the Hazzard County line to avoid taxation.
Chett: Well. Maybe I won't die. Maybe this time it will be different! Why, I have a great plan to make sure I stay alive. And that's to hunt a DIFFERENT type of bear now. The Old Bear, Mormont!
And so Chett explains his plot to murder Lord Commander Mormont. He, Lark, Small Paul, and about a dozen other co-conspirators will commit the murder TONIGHT!
Lark: And he's not the only one! We're also gonna a whole LOT of people!
Chett: That's right. I'm actually starving my dogs on purpose. I want them hungry so that they can attack the horses. We also kill Blane from the Shadow Tower, Grubbs and Aethan because they've drawn the watch tonight, Ser Piggy to make sure he can't send out the ravens and because I hate him in general.
Lark: Also, Powell will kill Secretary of State William H. Seward and Atzerodt will go after Vice President Johnson. Remember not to pussy out, Atzerodt!
Chett: I want to gut that piggy Sam myself! Boy, I really hate this trip. 300 of us going against a massive army of thousands of Wildlings coming down from the Milkwater? Forget that nonsense! We kill the people leading this expedition, and then we peace out.
The plotters then head back to the Fist of the First Men, and along the way they discuss what they'll do after they escape.
Chett: I'm going to kill Kraster, take his Keep, and marry all his daughters for myself! And I'm going to make them dress all sexy like Daisy Duke in them short blue jean shorts!
Lark: Gross. Isn't Daisy your cousin?
Chett: What's wrong with that?
Lark: *shivers* Anyway, what about you Paul?
Small Paul: I don't care. I just want a pet birdie! After we kill Mormont, I can have his raven, right? The one that talks. Me and him can be best friends and he can talk to me!
Chett: Uhh, sure. Whatever.
They then run into Dolorous Edd and Grenn back at Camp, who are teaching Sam some archery.
Sam: So... loose the arrow like this?
*THWANG*
Guy Super Far Away and in Completely Opposite Direction from Target: AGHHHH!!!!!!!
Sam: SORRY!
Edd: Way to go, Katniss.
Sam: Shut up, Edd. Oh hey look, it's that shitty redneck and his friends.
Chett: SHUT UP, PIGGY! I'll show you! I'll get my revenge for you taking my nice job, you'll see! I'll be the character that everybody sympathizes with from now on! I'm the good guy here! I'm the victim!
Edd: Really? Because aren't you in the Night's Watch because you brutally murdered a girl that you had a crush on after she rejected you for being ugly?
Chett: FUUUCKKK YOOUUUU!!!!
Chett, being too much of a pussy to fight Edd, instead kicks one of his dogs and walks away, sulking.
That night, it gets super cold and everyone is called by the Lord Commander to gather around the central fire at the camp at the Fist.
Mormont: Okay, hey look everyone. By now you'll have noticed all the wildlife has vanished so we're running out of food. It's just too cold. And with our scouts not returning yet, I think it's time to head out. We ride at dawn to attack the Wildlings.
There is a murmur around the camp.
Random Guy: That's suicide! We'll all die!
Mormont: Aye, maybe we will all die. Or maybe just the unimportant and irrelevant characters will die, and more important characters will continue to live on. But that's the plan. Get your things ready because we leave at dawn.
Well, this plan to leave at dawn has just proven to Chett and his conspirators that they indeed DO need to attack tonight. The plan can wait no longer or it will be too late. All they have to do is kill everyone just like they planned, and then make a nice getaway, completely undetected.
Small Paul: Oooh look! SNOW! Paul likes snow! Yaaaaay! Snow! Fun!
Chett: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Small Paul: What's wrong? You no like snow?
Chett: This is going to RUIN EVERYTHING! How are we going to escape if it snows? The plan is that we quietly kill a select few people and make our escape! But if it's snowing then there will be snow on the ground. And there is snow on the ground then we'll leave footprints in the snow. And if we leave footprints in the snow... then we'll be TRACKED!
Small Paul: Oh.
Chett: THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY HAPPEN! I can't imagine anything worse than this.
Sam: Hey there, Chett. What are you talking about?
Chett: Hrm. Fat Piggy. Well, at least I can kill you.
Sam: Say what now?
Chett begins to go for his dagger when--
*HORN BLOWS*
Sam: Oh wow! A horn is blowing! If it's just one blow that means Rangers are coming back. But if it's two blows, that means it's the Free Folk attacking. Let's listen to hear which it is.
They nervously stand there, waiting for a few seconds.
*HORN BLOWS*
Chett: OH SNAP! Two horn blows! Wildlings are attacking! NOW?!
Sam: Wow! Scary! I'm a coward and I hate battles. This is awful. I can't imagine anything worse than this.
Chett: Oh, I can. I can imagine my whole plan being ruined by--
*HORN BLOWS*
The horn blows a third time. Everyone in the camp stops dead in their tracks. Not just Sam and Chett. Everyone. Every. Fucking. Body.
Random Watch Guy: Uhm... I'm sorry. What does three blasts mean? I've never actually heard three before.
Chett: It means... The Others!
Chett then bursts into insane nervous laughter and pees himself. Because he's probably going to die very, very soon.
Random Watch Guy: How the hell did the White Walkers find us?
Other Random Watch Guy: I heard some asshole spinning circles his Dodger Charger earlier. That probably got their attention.
Chett: WHATEVER. BUT I MADE IT OUT OF THIS POV INTRO CHAPTER ALIVE!
For now.
Chett: YEEEE-HAWWWWWW!!!! Let's catch us up a bear, y'all!!!!
Lark the Sisterman: Stop spinning that car around! You're going to scare the bears away with all that noise.
Small Paul: I wish I had a pet birdie. I love birdies!
Chett: Well, I reckon y'all ain't fixin' to help me catch no bear with my dogs. Cuz my dogs gone and done got all starved. So I'mma hunt with good ol' General Lee here!
He blasts the horn and it plays "Dixie."
Lark: Uhh... wait a minute... who's POV chapter is this?
Then Chett suddenly realizes...
Chett: Why... it's... it's MINE! YESSIREE! CHETT HAS A POV CHAPTER! YOWIEEE!!! I knew I'd be a main character. Why, I tell ya! That Jon Snow and that fat piggy Samwell Tarly... I'll get my revenge on them for taking away my sweet, comfortable job as Maester Aemon's steward! And now that I'm a POV character, I'm going to rise to the top! Oh yes I will!
Lark: But I was just thinking... every character that has so far started off the books with a POV chapter has died.
Chett: W-what?
Small Paul: Yeah. A Game of Thrones began with Will. He died.
Lark: Right. And then A Clash of Kings began with that foolish old Maester of Dragonstone, Cressen, drinking his own poison.
Chett: But... I... uhh... I mean... what? Really? Every POV chapter guy dies?
Lark: I mean so far.
Chett: NO WAY! This is your chapter now, Lark! Take it!
Lark: Nope. Too late. All yours, Chett.
Inconsolable, Chett drinks a bunch of his moonshine that he was initially fixin' to smuggle across the Hazzard County line to avoid taxation.
Chett: Well. Maybe I won't die. Maybe this time it will be different! Why, I have a great plan to make sure I stay alive. And that's to hunt a DIFFERENT type of bear now. The Old Bear, Mormont!
And so Chett explains his plot to murder Lord Commander Mormont. He, Lark, Small Paul, and about a dozen other co-conspirators will commit the murder TONIGHT!
Lark: And he's not the only one! We're also gonna a whole LOT of people!
Chett: That's right. I'm actually starving my dogs on purpose. I want them hungry so that they can attack the horses. We also kill Blane from the Shadow Tower, Grubbs and Aethan because they've drawn the watch tonight, Ser Piggy to make sure he can't send out the ravens and because I hate him in general.
Lark: Also, Powell will kill Secretary of State William H. Seward and Atzerodt will go after Vice President Johnson. Remember not to pussy out, Atzerodt!
Chett: I want to gut that piggy Sam myself! Boy, I really hate this trip. 300 of us going against a massive army of thousands of Wildlings coming down from the Milkwater? Forget that nonsense! We kill the people leading this expedition, and then we peace out.
The plotters then head back to the Fist of the First Men, and along the way they discuss what they'll do after they escape.
Chett: I'm going to kill Kraster, take his Keep, and marry all his daughters for myself! And I'm going to make them dress all sexy like Daisy Duke in them short blue jean shorts!
Lark: Gross. Isn't Daisy your cousin?
Chett: What's wrong with that?
Lark: *shivers* Anyway, what about you Paul?
Small Paul: I don't care. I just want a pet birdie! After we kill Mormont, I can have his raven, right? The one that talks. Me and him can be best friends and he can talk to me!
Chett: Uhh, sure. Whatever.
They then run into Dolorous Edd and Grenn back at Camp, who are teaching Sam some archery.
Sam: So... loose the arrow like this?
*THWANG*
Guy Super Far Away and in Completely Opposite Direction from Target: AGHHHH!!!!!!!
Sam: SORRY!
Edd: Way to go, Katniss.
Sam: Shut up, Edd. Oh hey look, it's that shitty redneck and his friends.
Chett: SHUT UP, PIGGY! I'll show you! I'll get my revenge for you taking my nice job, you'll see! I'll be the character that everybody sympathizes with from now on! I'm the good guy here! I'm the victim!
Edd: Really? Because aren't you in the Night's Watch because you brutally murdered a girl that you had a crush on after she rejected you for being ugly?
Chett: FUUUCKKK YOOUUUU!!!!
Chett, being too much of a pussy to fight Edd, instead kicks one of his dogs and walks away, sulking.
That night, it gets super cold and everyone is called by the Lord Commander to gather around the central fire at the camp at the Fist.
Mormont: Okay, hey look everyone. By now you'll have noticed all the wildlife has vanished so we're running out of food. It's just too cold. And with our scouts not returning yet, I think it's time to head out. We ride at dawn to attack the Wildlings.
There is a murmur around the camp.
Random Guy: That's suicide! We'll all die!
Mormont: Aye, maybe we will all die. Or maybe just the unimportant and irrelevant characters will die, and more important characters will continue to live on. But that's the plan. Get your things ready because we leave at dawn.
Well, this plan to leave at dawn has just proven to Chett and his conspirators that they indeed DO need to attack tonight. The plan can wait no longer or it will be too late. All they have to do is kill everyone just like they planned, and then make a nice getaway, completely undetected.
Small Paul: Oooh look! SNOW! Paul likes snow! Yaaaaay! Snow! Fun!
Chett: OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! NOOOOOOOOO!!!!
Small Paul: What's wrong? You no like snow?
Chett: This is going to RUIN EVERYTHING! How are we going to escape if it snows? The plan is that we quietly kill a select few people and make our escape! But if it's snowing then there will be snow on the ground. And there is snow on the ground then we'll leave footprints in the snow. And if we leave footprints in the snow... then we'll be TRACKED!
Small Paul: Oh.
Chett: THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT CAN POSSIBLY HAPPEN! I can't imagine anything worse than this.
Sam: Hey there, Chett. What are you talking about?
Chett: Hrm. Fat Piggy. Well, at least I can kill you.
Sam: Say what now?
Chett begins to go for his dagger when--
*HORN BLOWS*
Sam: Oh wow! A horn is blowing! If it's just one blow that means Rangers are coming back. But if it's two blows, that means it's the Free Folk attacking. Let's listen to hear which it is.
They nervously stand there, waiting for a few seconds.
*HORN BLOWS*
Chett: OH SNAP! Two horn blows! Wildlings are attacking! NOW?!
Sam: Wow! Scary! I'm a coward and I hate battles. This is awful. I can't imagine anything worse than this.
Chett: Oh, I can. I can imagine my whole plan being ruined by--
*HORN BLOWS*
The horn blows a third time. Everyone in the camp stops dead in their tracks. Not just Sam and Chett. Everyone. Every. Fucking. Body.
Random Watch Guy: Uhm... I'm sorry. What does three blasts mean? I've never actually heard three before.
Chett: It means... The Others!
Chett then bursts into insane nervous laughter and pees himself. Because he's probably going to die very, very soon.
Random Watch Guy: How the hell did the White Walkers find us?
Other Random Watch Guy: I heard some asshole spinning circles his Dodger Charger earlier. That probably got their attention.
Chett: WHATEVER. BUT I MADE IT OUT OF THIS POV INTRO CHAPTER ALIVE!
For now.
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