The awesome boat ride of Jaime Lannister, Brienne of Tarth, and Ser Cleos Frey continues.
Jaime: Hey look, there is an inn over there on the side of the river. Let's pull over and stop. I could use a meal.
Brienne: Well, I'd usually say no to anything you suggest to be contrarian. But I guess investigating it doesn't seem like a terrible idea.
And so they paddle the boat over and pull ashore. As they approach, they see a sign on the side of the tavern. The sign is a picture of the last King of the North, Torrhen Stark, kneeling to Aegon the Conqueror.
Jaime: Hahaha! Symbolism! I love it!
Cleos: Ah, the Inn of the Kneeling Man.
Brienne: Wait... how do you know the name of this place? The sign doesn't have any words on it anywhere. It's just that picture.
Cleos: Well, you see in medieval societies most people were illiterate. So instead of having words written on a sign, they had pictures. This is a picture of a Kneeling Man. So that's the name of the inn. That's why so many pubs and inns have simple names like the "Queen's Arms" or the "White Hart." So they could be easily identified.
Brienne: Gee, thanks. Very educational.
Kid with Crossbow: HEY YOU! HOLD THOSE HANDS UP!
Startled by the sudden appearance of this kid, they hold their hands up.
Kid: Who are you? Lion, fish, or wolf?
Brienne: We have come from Riverrun. We are here to buy food and drink.
A man then comes around the corner from the inn.
Father: "Buy" you say? So you got money?
Jaime: Wait... your name is "Father?"
Father: Yes.
Jaime: That sounds like a suspiciously fake name.
Father: What of it?
Jaime: Nothing. I'm just saying. And if you're "Father," then where is "Mother?"
Father: Away.
Brienne: I was asking about food.
Father: I got some stringy horse meat and stale oatcakes. I can sell you those to eat.
Jaime: You're not really good at this "selling" thing, are you? You're supposed to lie and say it's delicious.
Father: Well, I'm not the actual innkeeper here. I found the innkeeper dead. So I sort of just called dibs on it and took it over.
Brienne: We'd like a meal.
Brienne takes out a coin purse and jingles it around.
Father: Say no more and come on in!
And so they go inside the inn and the Father makes them dinner. He sits down to eat with them.
Father: So, where you guys heading?
Cleos: King's Landing.
Jaime: Oh yeah, Cleos. Great idea. Just tell him the truth because surely we can trust this random guy we just met with an obviously fake name.
Father: Going to King's Landing is suicide. Last I heard, King Stannis was outside of the city with a hundred thousand men and a magic sword. I bet everyone there is dead now.
Jaime: Well that's reassuring.
Father: Anyway, if you have to go... you better keep clear of the Kingsroad. Waaaay too dangerous. All sorts of bandits and soldiers there. They'll kill you in a heartbeat. The same for that river you're on. Way too many people watching that river. It's best if you leave your boat here and travel the country through the back roads.
Brienne: Well, if we do that then we'll need some horses.
Father: Well, it just so happens I have some horses. Come on, let me show them off to you.
And so after the meal, they head over to the stable.
Jaime: This place smells like horse shit.
Father: Well, this is a stable. And there are horses here. And they're shitting. So yeah. It does.
Jaime: These horses are in terrible shape too.
Father: That plow horse was already here when we got here. That old one-eyed gelding wandered in on its own. And that palfrey over there... well... we found it roaming around, riderless with a blood stain on its saddle.
Jaime: Suuuuuure you did. Sure.
Brienne: I'll give you three gold dragons for the horses and provisions.
Father: Yeah, that sounds like a pretty sweet deal. You also want to stay at the inn for the night for a few coins more? I got some pretty sweet straw beds in here.
Cleos: Yeah, that sounds nice!
Brienne: NO! We will just take the horses and food and be on our way.
Jaime: I agree with the wench. Let's go.
And so they head up on the horses. Or at least two of them do.
Jaime: Uhh... a little help here.
He points down to his ankles, which still have manacles on them.
Jaime: I can't exactly ride a horse with these feet chained together.
Brienne: *ugh* Fine.
Brienne cuts the chain apart.
Jaime: Now, I'll just take this awesome palfrey.
Brienne: No you won't. You're going to ride the one-eyed gelding.
Jaime: Agh, DAMNIT. There goes my chance of making a quick escape and riding away, leaving your loser asses behind.
Cleos: HEY! I'm your cousin and I'm on your side.
Jaime: I don't like you though.
Father: Just remember... stay off the main roads and take the back roads! A couple miles down the road you're going to hit an old, abandoned, burnt out town. You're going to want to take the road on the left when you get there. Okay?
Brienne: Sure thing. The road on the left.
And they ride. Eventually, they get to the burnt out town.
Cleos: Well, better take that road to the left!
Brienne: No way. We're going right.
Cleos: WHAT?! But he said left.
Jaime: You're such an idiot, Cleos.
Brienne: That was no innkeep, Frey. Why do you think we didn't stay the night? He would have probably killed us in his sleep. If we go to the road on the left, there will be some ambush. It was a definite trap.
Jaime: The wench is right. She may be ugly, but she's not stupid.
Brienne: Stop calling me a wench!
And so they keep riding. Through the rest of the day, and through half of the night. Finally they stop and make camp.
Brienne: I'll take first watch. The rest of you sleep.
Jaime: How about instead of sleeping, I just stay up and annoy you with questions?
Brienne: No thanks.
Jaime: Too bad. Do you have any siblings?
Brienne: No. I am my father's only s-uhhh... daughter.
Jaime: HAHAHA. You almost said "son." That's hilarious. Man, your clitoris must be some sort of micro-penis or something.
Brienne: I hate you.
Jaime: Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was just a joke. I apologize.Will you forgive me?
Brienne: Forgive you? Your crimes are beyond forgiving!
Jaime: Ugh. Bitch, you shouldn't judge things you don't know anything about.
Brienne: Why even bother taking the white if you only meant to betray it?
Jaime: Instead of answering that, I'll go into a deep flashback mode.
Jaime: And that's why I joined the Kingsguard.
Brienne: Wait. What? How did you join the Kingsguard? Did you just have some sort of flashback or something?
Jaime: Yes.
Brienne: Well, I can't see YOUR flashbacks or anything. Only you can. So you still never answered.
Jaime: Look, Aerys is a dick. He went crazy and started burning people. That's why I killed him.
Brienne: I didn't know King Aerys, but a mad king is still a king. So you're still an oathbreaker.
Jaime: Oh... and like you're NOT an oathbreaker? Do you really expect us to believe that shit about a shadow killing Renly? Please! Everyone knows your ugly ass tried to have sex with him and he rejected you. Then you killed him in anger.
Brienne: HOW DARE YOU!
She gets up and unsheathes her sword. Little does she know that she's playing right into Jaime's plan. He'll get her angry... then he'll have his chance to--
--Brienne puts her sword away and storms off.
Jaime: Damnit. That didn't work. I was going to get her so angry that I could catch her off guard, take that sword, and cut myself free. But now that she's gone, I have nothing to do except have another flashback...
Jaime: OW!
Brienne: Wake up! You flashbacked yourself to sleep. It's almost dawn now. Time to get on the road.
Jaime: Stupid wench.
Jaime: Hey look, there is an inn over there on the side of the river. Let's pull over and stop. I could use a meal.
Brienne: Well, I'd usually say no to anything you suggest to be contrarian. But I guess investigating it doesn't seem like a terrible idea.
And so they paddle the boat over and pull ashore. As they approach, they see a sign on the side of the tavern. The sign is a picture of the last King of the North, Torrhen Stark, kneeling to Aegon the Conqueror.
Jaime: Hahaha! Symbolism! I love it!
Cleos: Ah, the Inn of the Kneeling Man.
Brienne: Wait... how do you know the name of this place? The sign doesn't have any words on it anywhere. It's just that picture.
Cleos: Well, you see in medieval societies most people were illiterate. So instead of having words written on a sign, they had pictures. This is a picture of a Kneeling Man. So that's the name of the inn. That's why so many pubs and inns have simple names like the "Queen's Arms" or the "White Hart." So they could be easily identified.
Brienne: Gee, thanks. Very educational.
Kid with Crossbow: HEY YOU! HOLD THOSE HANDS UP!
Startled by the sudden appearance of this kid, they hold their hands up.
Kid: Who are you? Lion, fish, or wolf?
Brienne: We have come from Riverrun. We are here to buy food and drink.
A man then comes around the corner from the inn.
Father: "Buy" you say? So you got money?
Jaime: Wait... your name is "Father?"
Father: Yes.
Jaime: That sounds like a suspiciously fake name.
Father: What of it?
Jaime: Nothing. I'm just saying. And if you're "Father," then where is "Mother?"
Father: Away.
Brienne: I was asking about food.
Father: I got some stringy horse meat and stale oatcakes. I can sell you those to eat.
Jaime: You're not really good at this "selling" thing, are you? You're supposed to lie and say it's delicious.
Father: Well, I'm not the actual innkeeper here. I found the innkeeper dead. So I sort of just called dibs on it and took it over.
Brienne: We'd like a meal.
Brienne takes out a coin purse and jingles it around.
Father: Say no more and come on in!
And so they go inside the inn and the Father makes them dinner. He sits down to eat with them.
Father: So, where you guys heading?
Cleos: King's Landing.
Jaime: Oh yeah, Cleos. Great idea. Just tell him the truth because surely we can trust this random guy we just met with an obviously fake name.
Father: Going to King's Landing is suicide. Last I heard, King Stannis was outside of the city with a hundred thousand men and a magic sword. I bet everyone there is dead now.
Jaime: Well that's reassuring.
Father: Anyway, if you have to go... you better keep clear of the Kingsroad. Waaaay too dangerous. All sorts of bandits and soldiers there. They'll kill you in a heartbeat. The same for that river you're on. Way too many people watching that river. It's best if you leave your boat here and travel the country through the back roads.
Brienne: Well, if we do that then we'll need some horses.
Father: Well, it just so happens I have some horses. Come on, let me show them off to you.
And so after the meal, they head over to the stable.
Jaime: This place smells like horse shit.
Father: Well, this is a stable. And there are horses here. And they're shitting. So yeah. It does.
Jaime: These horses are in terrible shape too.
Father: That plow horse was already here when we got here. That old one-eyed gelding wandered in on its own. And that palfrey over there... well... we found it roaming around, riderless with a blood stain on its saddle.
Jaime: Suuuuuure you did. Sure.
Brienne: I'll give you three gold dragons for the horses and provisions.
Father: Yeah, that sounds like a pretty sweet deal. You also want to stay at the inn for the night for a few coins more? I got some pretty sweet straw beds in here.
Cleos: Yeah, that sounds nice!
Brienne: NO! We will just take the horses and food and be on our way.
Jaime: I agree with the wench. Let's go.
And so they head up on the horses. Or at least two of them do.
Jaime: Uhh... a little help here.
He points down to his ankles, which still have manacles on them.
Jaime: I can't exactly ride a horse with these feet chained together.
Brienne: *ugh* Fine.
Brienne cuts the chain apart.
Jaime: Now, I'll just take this awesome palfrey.
Brienne: No you won't. You're going to ride the one-eyed gelding.
Jaime: Agh, DAMNIT. There goes my chance of making a quick escape and riding away, leaving your loser asses behind.
Cleos: HEY! I'm your cousin and I'm on your side.
Jaime: I don't like you though.
Father: Just remember... stay off the main roads and take the back roads! A couple miles down the road you're going to hit an old, abandoned, burnt out town. You're going to want to take the road on the left when you get there. Okay?
Brienne: Sure thing. The road on the left.
And they ride. Eventually, they get to the burnt out town.
Cleos: Well, better take that road to the left!
Brienne: No way. We're going right.
Cleos: WHAT?! But he said left.
Jaime: You're such an idiot, Cleos.
Brienne: That was no innkeep, Frey. Why do you think we didn't stay the night? He would have probably killed us in his sleep. If we go to the road on the left, there will be some ambush. It was a definite trap.
Jaime: The wench is right. She may be ugly, but she's not stupid.
Brienne: Stop calling me a wench!
And so they keep riding. Through the rest of the day, and through half of the night. Finally they stop and make camp.
Brienne: I'll take first watch. The rest of you sleep.
Jaime: How about instead of sleeping, I just stay up and annoy you with questions?
Brienne: No thanks.
Jaime: Too bad. Do you have any siblings?
Brienne: No. I am my father's only s-uhhh... daughter.
Jaime: HAHAHA. You almost said "son." That's hilarious. Man, your clitoris must be some sort of micro-penis or something.
Brienne: I hate you.
Jaime: Look, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. It was just a joke. I apologize.Will you forgive me?
Brienne: Forgive you? Your crimes are beyond forgiving!
Jaime: Ugh. Bitch, you shouldn't judge things you don't know anything about.
Brienne: Why even bother taking the white if you only meant to betray it?
Jaime: Instead of answering that, I'll go into a deep flashback mode.
Years ago, Tywin brings young Cersei to Kings Landing. She hoped to be able to marry the girl off to the Targaryens.
Tywin: I know you're just a kid, but if you can make this Rhaegar boy like you, then you'll be the queen one day!
Jaime: What about me, daddy?
Tywin: Hrm. I think I'll marry you off to Lysa Tully.
Jaime: Eww, I'm just a young kid now. But I already know that's a terrible idea.
Cersei: I don't want to marry Rhaegar! I just want to spend all my time playing with my brother! He's my best friend!
Tywin: Aww, that's so cute. You two are best friends.
Cersei hugs Jaime. And keeps hugging. And keeps hugging.
Tywin: Okay, that's going on for a bit too long now.
A few years later, they are teenagers...
Cersei: Jaime, you can't let father send you away from me. I need you to stay here at King's Landing with me.
Jaime: I don't know how. I'm supposed to be the heir to Casterly Rock.
Cersei: I have a plan. Take the white! Then you'll be in the Kingsguard. You'll be around me all the time. We can stay together. And keep having hot, hot, incestuous sex.
Jaime: Well, that's a great idea!
And so they have sex. The next morning Jaime goes and tells everyone his plan to join the Kingsguard.
Tywin: WHAT?! NO WAY! I won't allow it!
King Aerys II: Nope. Too late. No backsies. Jaime is in my Kingsguard now.
Cersei: Niiiiiice.
Tywin: Fuck this. I quit. I'm no longer Hand of the King.
He takes his Hand of the King pin off and throws it on the floor.
King Aerys II: How dare you! You're lucky I'm not an insane person who likes to burn people alive for minor slights!
Right. That's still a few years from now.
Jaime: And that's why I joined the Kingsguard.
Brienne: Wait. What? How did you join the Kingsguard? Did you just have some sort of flashback or something?
Jaime: Yes.
Brienne: Well, I can't see YOUR flashbacks or anything. Only you can. So you still never answered.
Jaime: Look, Aerys is a dick. He went crazy and started burning people. That's why I killed him.
Brienne: I didn't know King Aerys, but a mad king is still a king. So you're still an oathbreaker.
Jaime: Oh... and like you're NOT an oathbreaker? Do you really expect us to believe that shit about a shadow killing Renly? Please! Everyone knows your ugly ass tried to have sex with him and he rejected you. Then you killed him in anger.
Brienne: HOW DARE YOU!
She gets up and unsheathes her sword. Little does she know that she's playing right into Jaime's plan. He'll get her angry... then he'll have his chance to--
--Brienne puts her sword away and storms off.
Jaime: Damnit. That didn't work. I was going to get her so angry that I could catch her off guard, take that sword, and cut myself free. But now that she's gone, I have nothing to do except have another flashback...
It's the day of the sacking of King's Landing. Robert Baratheon's men are headed toward the city. Jaime enters the throne room.
King Aerys II: Oh hey Jaime. I just want to remind everyone that this flashback occurs a few years after that last one. So now I'm full-on crazy. I want to burn some stuff. And by stuff, I mean people. LET'S BURN SOME PEOPLE! Got any people for me to burn? How about your dad? I want to burn your dad alive. Oh hey. Cool sword. It has a lot of blood on it. Whose blood is that?
Jaime: Rossart's.
King Aerys II: Rossart. Rossart. Why does that name sound so familiar?
Jaime: He's your Hand.
King Aerys II: Oh, right. So why would the blood of the Hand of the King be on a Kingsguard's sword?
Jaime: Because I'm here to kill you.
King Aerys II: Ah. I see. HELP! HELP! HELP! AGHHH!!!
Aerys shits himself on the Iron Throne as Jaime approaches.
Jaime: Well, that was a narrative embellishment that I didn't need to hear.
Jaime grabs the King and slits his throat. Aerys's body falls down the steps of the Iron Throne and lays on the floor as a pool of blood spills out.
Lord Roland Crakehall and his soldiers then run into the room. They are sworn to Tywin Lannister.
Crakehall: Jaime, the city is ours! Oh cool. I see the King is dead. Nice work, kid.
Jaime: Yes. Tell everyone. Spare all who yield to the new king!
Crakehall: Okay. No. Wait. Who exactly is the new king? Should I name someone?
Jaime: *shrug* I don't care, man. I'm 17 years old. Proclaim whoever the hell you want.
Jaime then turns around and looks at the Iron Throne.
Jaime: Well, I don't want it to be cold for the next guy who gets here.
He sits down on it.
Not that long later, Ned Stark shows up.
Ned Stark: Dafuq?
Jaime: Oh! Oh! Oh! So cool! We already had this scene in the book series two books ago! But last time this scene was from YOUR point of view, and now it's from MY point of view. This is so cool!
Ned: Dude! Get off that throne!
Jaime: Haha, yeah! That's entirely consistent with what you said in your POV chapter. I guess our memories of this event are pretty consistent. So this must be where I say, "Oh, my bad. I'm a teenager and am pretty irresponsible. I was just keeping it warm for when the King shows up. Not that King, obviously."
Jaime points at King Aerys on the floor, who is dead. He laughs a little.*KICK*
Jaime then gets off the throne.
Jaime: OW!
Brienne: Wake up! You flashbacked yourself to sleep. It's almost dawn now. Time to get on the road.
Jaime: Stupid wench.
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