Jon and Qhorin Halfhand are the last two left of Team Skirling Pass: Scouting Party.
Jon: Wait... is this another one of those starting in media res chapters? What happened to the other characters? I mean it was already strongly implied in my last chapter that Squire Dalbridge was performing a suicide mission. But what happened to Ebben? What happened to Stonesnake?
Qhorin: We sent Ebben ahead to see if he could reach the other rangers. And Stonesnake's horse broke a leg so he stayed behind to buy us more time. So he pretty much committed suicide just like Dalbridge.
Jon: Wow. Sad. Guess we better press on then.
Qhorin: Nope. Let's stop and make a fire.
Jon: Stop and make a fire? But then we'll be instantly spotted! We're doomed if we do that.
Qhorin: We're doomed anyway. Look above. That warg eagle has been following us the whole time. No way are we going to get out of its sights.
Jon: Well, that's depressing. So we're totally doomed, huh?
Qhorin: Probably. Although I have an idea.
Jon: Well, I'm a main character so not being doomed and dying makes sense. Go on and explain it to me.
Qhorin: No. Not directly, I mean. I'd rather be vague and cryptic and ask you if you remember your oath.
Jon: Of COURSE I remember my oath!
Qhorin: Recite it for me, boy.
Jon: This seems like space-filler for a short chapter, but okay. *ahem*...
Jon: What? Yield? NEVER!
Qhorin: No, you must. Because I have a new SUPER DUPER TOP SECRET MISSION for you.
Jon: Top Secret Mission? AWESOME! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!
Qhorin: Infiltration. You must pretend to abandon the Night's Watch and join the Wildlings. You will live among them. You will make friends with them. You will do as they say. You will act like a Wildling. But the whole time, you will secretly still be in the Night's Watch. Take note of their movement and plans. You will be a spy. When you've acquired all the information we need, you will then make your escape and report it all back to Lord Mormont.
Jon: What if they ask me to do a whole bunch of things that make me break my oath?
Qhorin: Then you must do them anyway. For that is the only way to truly be loyal and serve the Night's Watch now.
Jon: So wait... let me get this straight. You're telling me the only way to NOT break my oath is to break my oath?
Qhorin: Yeah, it's kind of like if you're an undercover agent in a cartel and they ask you to do drugs to prove you're not a cop. You sort of HAVE TO take the drugs if you want the mission to be successful. Or if you're an undercover vice cop investigating a escort ring. You sort of HAVE TO sleep with at least 15-20 girls in order to collect enough evidence to get to the big pimps running the whole enterprise.
Jon: I'm pretty sure that's not how vice cops actually operate.
Qhorin: Whatever.
Jon: And how will I convince then that I'm truly a turncoat?
Qhorin: I've got an idea.
Jon: Well?
Qhorin: I'm not going to tell you.
Jon: WHY NOT?
Qhorin: For dramatic story purposes, the chapter is more compelling and surprising if I don't give it away.
Jon: Damnit.
And so they ride on.
Jon: Ride on? I thought we were staying here by this fire!
Qhorin: No, that was a decoy. We're really going to a passageway hidden behind a waterfall, which leads through the heart of this mountain over here.
Jon: Oh.
And so they go to the passageway, and decide to rest for the night. There, Ghost meets up with them.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Hey.]
After resting, they go through the tunnel and come out the other side. But on the other side they see...
Eagle: *squawk* [Translation: OH HAI THAR, IT'S ME!]
Jon: We've been spotted!
Qhorin: Well, there is nowhere to go now. We must make our final stand here. Jon, make sure Ghost is ready! *winks*
Jon: Ready for what? What are you talking about, Halfhand? And didn't you say that we were going to yield and play turn cloak?
Jon suddenly sees that they are surrounded by 14 Wildlings, including a leader whose entire suit of armor is covered in human bones.
Qhorin: There he is, the Lord of Bones, AKA Rattleshirt. But don't call him Rattleshirt. He hates that and gets furiously angry with anyone who calls him that.
Jon: Okay, I won't call him that then. Especially if we're trying to convince him that we're on his side.
Qhorin: OH HEY THERE, RATTLESHIRT! You smell just like the tip of my dick after I fucked your mother in her ass!
Jon: DUDE! WHAT THE HELL?!
Lord O' Bones: Qhorin Fuckin' Halfhand? YOU?! AGH! DAMNIT! I HATE YOU! Oh... and here, we found your friend.
One of Rattleshirt's Wildling buddies pulls a head out of a bag and throws it at them. It's Ebben's head.
Jon: Damn. So I guess it really is just us two, huh?
Lord O' Bones: Two? It's about to be NONE! Archers!!!!! Kill them, NOW!
Qhorin winks at Jon and gives him a little elbow bump.
Jon: Oh... right... now? *AHEM*... I YIELD! I YIELD!
Qhorin: What? YOU YIELD? YOU COWARDLY LITTLE SHIT! HOW DARE YOU!
Jon: Huh?... but wait... you said...
Qhorin: WHY, I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, JON SNOW! You've probably been plotting to abandon us and join the Wildlings this WHOLE TIME.
Jon: Oh wait, I get it now.
Lord O' Bones: Who cares? We don't need a craven to join our side! KILL THEM BOTH!
Wildling: No, stop!
The Wildling pulls off their furs...
Ygritte: -HEY! It's me!
Jon: Oh, heeeey guuurl.
Ygritte: *winks* He saved me, we should let him yield. Prove that he's loyal to us.
Lord O' Bones: What? Why? NO!
Eagle: *squawk* [Translation: Yeah, fuck Jon Snow! I hate him!]
Ygritte: That eagle doesn't like you that much.
Jon: Why? What did I ever do to him?
Ygritte: Remember one of those guys you killed up by Skirling Pass? Well, that was our warg guy. So he's dead, but part of him still lives on inside of the Eagle.
Jon: Cryptic. Although I guess if one day I temporarily die, only to be brought back later, then I know my soul could be resting inside of Ghost. Which gives him a purpose which actually matches his name.
Ygritte: Yes. That would be a good plot device. To use Ghost as the vessel for your soul, as we are explicitly setting up that plot device here by stating that you have warg powers to go into Ghost. And, as you also say, if your "ghost" is inside of "Ghost" then his name is extremely apt.
Qhorin: I agree. That sounds like a good way to handle any Jon Snow dying thing. You know what would be a shitty way to handle it? To just have Melissandre bring him back with some spell.
Jon: Indeed. That would be a terrible and emotionally unsatisfying way to bring me back. You know, if I were to die at some time in the future.
Lord O' Bones: Well, if you don't want to die RIGHT NOW, then you're going to have to prove that you're one of us. And I got an idea of how you can do that. KILL THE HALFHAND!
Jon: What? Kill my friend Qhorin? Why I could nev--
Qhorin: --SHUT UP, JON! You're not my friend! You're a yielding traitor! DIE, SCUM!!!
Qhorin charges at Jon and pretends to fight him. He's clearly only fighting at about 50% or something though.
Jon: *whispering* Damn, dude. This is pretty messed up. You're pretending to fight me so that they'll think that I'm on their side. How exactly is this fight supposed to end?
Qhorin: Oh, you know.
Jon: Damnit, Qhorin.
Ghost sees Jon and Qhorin fighting. Ghost is confused as hell because he though that Qhorin was Jon's buddy. But Jon and Ghost are linked all, like, spiritually and shit. So Ghost can't help but defend his buddy.
Ghost jumps into the fight too and starts savagely tearing apart the flesh from Qhorin's legs.
Qhorin: AGHH!!!!!
Jon: I... I can't do this!
Qhorin: Just get it over with quickly, boy. For the Watch!
Jon: Damnit.
Jon stabs Qhorin. He dies.
Lord O' Bones: Hahaha, that was awesome to watch. Now let's kill Jon Snow anyway.
Ygritte: WHAT? NO! He just proved himself to us!
Lord O' Bones: Who cares? He's a warg and a crow. Let's gut him and I'll add his bones to my armor.
Ygritte: No!
She stands in the way. Some of the other Wildlings join her.
Lord O' Bones: *sigh* Damnit, okay. So the boy can live. FOR NOW. We'll take him back to Mance and HE CAN DECIDE.
Jon: Sweet. So we're going to Mance, huh? Does that mean we're turning around and going back to Skirling Pass?
Ygritte: Hahaha, no. Mance's army is way past Skirling Pass now. By now he's probably well down the Milkwater and marching on the Wall.
Jon: Marching on the Wall?! DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
And so they burn Qhorin's body like some sort of Jedi night. The Lord O' Bones grabs Qhorin's bones and adds them to his collection. And we all wait for this ominous "marching on the wall" cliffhanger to resolve itself. But not until the next book.
Jon: Wait... is this another one of those starting in media res chapters? What happened to the other characters? I mean it was already strongly implied in my last chapter that Squire Dalbridge was performing a suicide mission. But what happened to Ebben? What happened to Stonesnake?
Qhorin: We sent Ebben ahead to see if he could reach the other rangers. And Stonesnake's horse broke a leg so he stayed behind to buy us more time. So he pretty much committed suicide just like Dalbridge.
Jon: Wow. Sad. Guess we better press on then.
Qhorin: Nope. Let's stop and make a fire.
Jon: Stop and make a fire? But then we'll be instantly spotted! We're doomed if we do that.
Qhorin: We're doomed anyway. Look above. That warg eagle has been following us the whole time. No way are we going to get out of its sights.
Jon: Well, that's depressing. So we're totally doomed, huh?
Qhorin: Probably. Although I have an idea.
Jon: Well, I'm a main character so not being doomed and dying makes sense. Go on and explain it to me.
Qhorin: No. Not directly, I mean. I'd rather be vague and cryptic and ask you if you remember your oath.
Jon: Of COURSE I remember my oath!
Qhorin: Recite it for me, boy.
Jon: This seems like space-filler for a short chapter, but okay. *ahem*...
Qhorin: Good, boy. Now if you are captured... you must yield!
Night gathers, and now my watch begins. It shall not end until my death. Like if I get stabbed and die but am somehow magically brought back to life then it's okay for me to leave because I technically died. I shall take no wife, hold no lands, father no children. But that doesn't mean that I can't have sex with Wildling girls. I just won't marry them or have kids with them. It's a technicality. I shall wear no crowns and win no glory. Probably. I shall live and die at my post. I am the sword in the darkness. Maybe metaphorically a sword or maybe more literally like the living personification of Lightbringer or something like that. But probably just metaphorically. I am the watcher on the walls. I am the fire that burns against the cold, the light that brings the dawn, the horn that wakes the sleepers, the sand in the hourglass, the spoon that stirs the honey in the hot tea, the man who put the Bomp in the Bomp Ba Bomp Ba Bomp and who put the Ram in the Ramma Lamma Ding Dong, the shield that guards the realms of men. I pledge my life and honor to the Night's Watch, for this night and all nights to come. O'er the land of the free and the home of the brave. Play ball.
Jon: What? Yield? NEVER!
Qhorin: No, you must. Because I have a new SUPER DUPER TOP SECRET MISSION for you.
Jon: Top Secret Mission? AWESOME! Tell me! Tell me! Tell me!
Qhorin: Infiltration. You must pretend to abandon the Night's Watch and join the Wildlings. You will live among them. You will make friends with them. You will do as they say. You will act like a Wildling. But the whole time, you will secretly still be in the Night's Watch. Take note of their movement and plans. You will be a spy. When you've acquired all the information we need, you will then make your escape and report it all back to Lord Mormont.
Jon: What if they ask me to do a whole bunch of things that make me break my oath?
Qhorin: Then you must do them anyway. For that is the only way to truly be loyal and serve the Night's Watch now.
Jon: So wait... let me get this straight. You're telling me the only way to NOT break my oath is to break my oath?
Qhorin: Yeah, it's kind of like if you're an undercover agent in a cartel and they ask you to do drugs to prove you're not a cop. You sort of HAVE TO take the drugs if you want the mission to be successful. Or if you're an undercover vice cop investigating a escort ring. You sort of HAVE TO sleep with at least 15-20 girls in order to collect enough evidence to get to the big pimps running the whole enterprise.
Jon: I'm pretty sure that's not how vice cops actually operate.
Qhorin: Whatever.
Jon: And how will I convince then that I'm truly a turncoat?
Qhorin: I've got an idea.
Jon: Well?
Qhorin: I'm not going to tell you.
Jon: WHY NOT?
Qhorin: For dramatic story purposes, the chapter is more compelling and surprising if I don't give it away.
Jon: Damnit.
And so they ride on.
Jon: Ride on? I thought we were staying here by this fire!
Qhorin: No, that was a decoy. We're really going to a passageway hidden behind a waterfall, which leads through the heart of this mountain over here.
Jon: Oh.
And so they go to the passageway, and decide to rest for the night. There, Ghost meets up with them.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Hey.]
After resting, they go through the tunnel and come out the other side. But on the other side they see...
Eagle: *squawk* [Translation: OH HAI THAR, IT'S ME!]
Jon: We've been spotted!
Qhorin: Well, there is nowhere to go now. We must make our final stand here. Jon, make sure Ghost is ready! *winks*
Jon: Ready for what? What are you talking about, Halfhand? And didn't you say that we were going to yield and play turn cloak?
Jon suddenly sees that they are surrounded by 14 Wildlings, including a leader whose entire suit of armor is covered in human bones.
Qhorin: There he is, the Lord of Bones, AKA Rattleshirt. But don't call him Rattleshirt. He hates that and gets furiously angry with anyone who calls him that.
Jon: Okay, I won't call him that then. Especially if we're trying to convince him that we're on his side.
Qhorin: OH HEY THERE, RATTLESHIRT! You smell just like the tip of my dick after I fucked your mother in her ass!
Jon: DUDE! WHAT THE HELL?!
Lord O' Bones: Qhorin Fuckin' Halfhand? YOU?! AGH! DAMNIT! I HATE YOU! Oh... and here, we found your friend.
One of Rattleshirt's Wildling buddies pulls a head out of a bag and throws it at them. It's Ebben's head.
Jon: Damn. So I guess it really is just us two, huh?
Lord O' Bones: Two? It's about to be NONE! Archers!!!!! Kill them, NOW!
Qhorin winks at Jon and gives him a little elbow bump.
Jon: Oh... right... now? *AHEM*... I YIELD! I YIELD!
Qhorin: What? YOU YIELD? YOU COWARDLY LITTLE SHIT! HOW DARE YOU!
Jon: Huh?... but wait... you said...
Qhorin: WHY, I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHERE YOU STAND, JON SNOW! You've probably been plotting to abandon us and join the Wildlings this WHOLE TIME.
Jon: Oh wait, I get it now.
Lord O' Bones: Who cares? We don't need a craven to join our side! KILL THEM BOTH!
Wildling: No, stop!
The Wildling pulls off their furs...
Ygritte: -HEY! It's me!
Jon: Oh, heeeey guuurl.
Ygritte: *winks* He saved me, we should let him yield. Prove that he's loyal to us.
Lord O' Bones: What? Why? NO!
Eagle: *squawk* [Translation: Yeah, fuck Jon Snow! I hate him!]
Ygritte: That eagle doesn't like you that much.
Jon: Why? What did I ever do to him?
Ygritte: Remember one of those guys you killed up by Skirling Pass? Well, that was our warg guy. So he's dead, but part of him still lives on inside of the Eagle.
Jon: Cryptic. Although I guess if one day I temporarily die, only to be brought back later, then I know my soul could be resting inside of Ghost. Which gives him a purpose which actually matches his name.
Ygritte: Yes. That would be a good plot device. To use Ghost as the vessel for your soul, as we are explicitly setting up that plot device here by stating that you have warg powers to go into Ghost. And, as you also say, if your "ghost" is inside of "Ghost" then his name is extremely apt.
Qhorin: I agree. That sounds like a good way to handle any Jon Snow dying thing. You know what would be a shitty way to handle it? To just have Melissandre bring him back with some spell.
Jon: Indeed. That would be a terrible and emotionally unsatisfying way to bring me back. You know, if I were to die at some time in the future.
Lord O' Bones: Well, if you don't want to die RIGHT NOW, then you're going to have to prove that you're one of us. And I got an idea of how you can do that. KILL THE HALFHAND!
Jon: What? Kill my friend Qhorin? Why I could nev--
Qhorin: --SHUT UP, JON! You're not my friend! You're a yielding traitor! DIE, SCUM!!!
Qhorin charges at Jon and pretends to fight him. He's clearly only fighting at about 50% or something though.
Jon: *whispering* Damn, dude. This is pretty messed up. You're pretending to fight me so that they'll think that I'm on their side. How exactly is this fight supposed to end?
Qhorin: Oh, you know.
Jon: Damnit, Qhorin.
Ghost sees Jon and Qhorin fighting. Ghost is confused as hell because he though that Qhorin was Jon's buddy. But Jon and Ghost are linked all, like, spiritually and shit. So Ghost can't help but defend his buddy.
Ghost jumps into the fight too and starts savagely tearing apart the flesh from Qhorin's legs.
Qhorin: AGHH!!!!!
Jon: I... I can't do this!
Qhorin: Just get it over with quickly, boy. For the Watch!
Jon: Damnit.
Jon stabs Qhorin. He dies.
Lord O' Bones: Hahaha, that was awesome to watch. Now let's kill Jon Snow anyway.
Ygritte: WHAT? NO! He just proved himself to us!
Lord O' Bones: Who cares? He's a warg and a crow. Let's gut him and I'll add his bones to my armor.
Ygritte: No!
She stands in the way. Some of the other Wildlings join her.
Lord O' Bones: *sigh* Damnit, okay. So the boy can live. FOR NOW. We'll take him back to Mance and HE CAN DECIDE.
Jon: Sweet. So we're going to Mance, huh? Does that mean we're turning around and going back to Skirling Pass?
Ygritte: Hahaha, no. Mance's army is way past Skirling Pass now. By now he's probably well down the Milkwater and marching on the Wall.
Jon: Marching on the Wall?! DUNN DUNN DUNNNNNNN!!!!!!!
And so they burn Qhorin's body like some sort of Jedi night. The Lord O' Bones grabs Qhorin's bones and adds them to his collection. And we all wait for this ominous "marching on the wall" cliffhanger to resolve itself. But not until the next book.
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