Tyrion is dreaming of battle. The men who fought along him and died. The men he killed. Mandy Moore trying to kill him. It sort of smells like poop and pee in this dream too.
Tyrion: Oh no wait, that's because I'm laying in my own filth.
He wakes up. Then goes to sleep again.
He dreams of Cersei, Tywin, Varys and Littlefinger standing over him.
Tyrion: Yeah, this MUST be a dream because Tywin and Littlefinger aren't even in King's Landing. Wait. No. Unless we won the battle. Did we win the battle?
He falls asleep again. When he wakes up, Podrick Payne is standing over him.
Pod: A thank you for saving your life would be cool.
Tyrion: What?
A maester walks up.
Maester Ballabar: Rest! Rest! You must rest, Tyrion. You have a grave injury. Here. Some more milk of the poppy.
Tyrion slowly feels his face. It's covered entirely in plaster and bandages. His face is throbbing in pain. He takes the milk and passes out.
He dreams of a great victory feast. Jaime is there and he knights him. Shae is there too. But then Shae turns into his first love, Tysha. We then have an extended dream sequence about how that whole Tysha thing went down. Long story short: poorly.
He wakes again.
Tyrion: What the hell? Where am I? Is this some sort of hospice care? This isn't the Tower of the Hand!
Pod: Well, you're not the Hand of the King anymore.
Tyrion: Huh?
Maester Ballabar: Looks like someone needs more milk of the poppy.
The Maester goes to put it on Tyrion's lips. But Tyrion knocks it out of the way.
Tyrion: NO! Stop that! Stop giving me milk of the poppy! How long have I been asleep for?
Maester Ballabar: A bit.
Tyrion: Adn get this plaster off of my head! I want it removed at once.
Maester Ballabar: That doesn't sound like a good idea. Remember the last character in this book series to be annoyed by his plaster? He thought it was all itchy and so he ripped it off. That was Drogo. Remember what happened to Drogo?
Tyrion: I SAID TAKE IT OFF!
Maester Ballabar: *sigh* Okay, whatever. But you're not going to like what you see.
Ballabar begins to slowly remove the bandages. He washes Tyrion's face and cleans the wounds as he does so.
Maester Ballabar: Oh wow, the wounds are actually pretty clean. No festering or infection. That's pretty miraculous. Maybe you won't die after all.
Tyrion: MIRROR! GIVE ME A MIRROR!
Maester Ballabar: I have a feeling that this is going to be a lot like that scene in the first Tim Burton Batman movie, when Jack Napier looks at his face in the mirror for the first time after falling into the acid.
Tyrion: No. It won't be like that at all.
Maester Ballabar: If you say so.
Tyrion grabs the mirror and looks. He has a giant gash across his face and he's missing most of his nose.
Tyrion starts laughing maniacally and then smashes the mirror.
Maester Ballabar: I TOLD YOU it would be just like Batman.
Tyrion: I bet Mandy Moore must have been paid by Cersei! She wanted to make sure I never returned from the battlefield alive!
Pod: Oh... are we still doing this "speculating Mandy Moore's motives" thing? Because, as previously noted, it's pretty fruitless since GRRM never actually provides a definitive answer.
Tyrion: Damnit. So what happened to Mandy?
Pod: Drowned.
Tyrion: Ah. And where am I again?
Maester Ballabar: A room in Maegor's Holdfast.
Tyrion: And why exactly am I not in the Hand's Tower?
Pod: Dude, I told you. You're not the Hand of the King anymore.
Maester Ballabar: It's true. Lord Tywin is the Hand of the King. He, Lord Tyrell and Littlefinger returned just in time to turn the tide of the battle. They saved the city!
Tyrion: Wow. Really? Those guys saved the city?
Maester Ballabar: Yes. And maybe also Renly's ghost.
Tyrion: Say what now? This is all messed up. I need to go back to sleep.
Maester Ballabar: More milk of the poppy then?
Tyrion: NO! STOP IT! No more damn milk of the poppy. Get out of here!
Maester Ballabar: Whatevs.
Maester Ballabar leaves.
Tyrion: Pod, make me some dreamwine. I'd rather have wine than more damn opiates. And fetch Bronn.
Pod: It's actually "Ser Bronn" now.
Tyrion: Really? Holy shit I missed a lot. Oh, and also get me Maester Frenken. I don't trust this Maester. He's probably one of Cersei's men.
Pod: Cool beans.
Tyrion: Oh no wait, that's because I'm laying in my own filth.
He wakes up. Then goes to sleep again.
He dreams of Cersei, Tywin, Varys and Littlefinger standing over him.
Tyrion: Yeah, this MUST be a dream because Tywin and Littlefinger aren't even in King's Landing. Wait. No. Unless we won the battle. Did we win the battle?
He falls asleep again. When he wakes up, Podrick Payne is standing over him.
Pod: A thank you for saving your life would be cool.
Tyrion: What?
A maester walks up.
Maester Ballabar: Rest! Rest! You must rest, Tyrion. You have a grave injury. Here. Some more milk of the poppy.
Tyrion slowly feels his face. It's covered entirely in plaster and bandages. His face is throbbing in pain. He takes the milk and passes out.
He dreams of a great victory feast. Jaime is there and he knights him. Shae is there too. But then Shae turns into his first love, Tysha. We then have an extended dream sequence about how that whole Tysha thing went down. Long story short: poorly.
He wakes again.
Tyrion: What the hell? Where am I? Is this some sort of hospice care? This isn't the Tower of the Hand!
Pod: Well, you're not the Hand of the King anymore.
Tyrion: Huh?
Maester Ballabar: Looks like someone needs more milk of the poppy.
The Maester goes to put it on Tyrion's lips. But Tyrion knocks it out of the way.
Tyrion: NO! Stop that! Stop giving me milk of the poppy! How long have I been asleep for?
Maester Ballabar: A bit.
Tyrion: Adn get this plaster off of my head! I want it removed at once.
Maester Ballabar: That doesn't sound like a good idea. Remember the last character in this book series to be annoyed by his plaster? He thought it was all itchy and so he ripped it off. That was Drogo. Remember what happened to Drogo?
Tyrion: I SAID TAKE IT OFF!
Maester Ballabar: *sigh* Okay, whatever. But you're not going to like what you see.
Ballabar begins to slowly remove the bandages. He washes Tyrion's face and cleans the wounds as he does so.
Maester Ballabar: Oh wow, the wounds are actually pretty clean. No festering or infection. That's pretty miraculous. Maybe you won't die after all.
Tyrion: MIRROR! GIVE ME A MIRROR!
Maester Ballabar: I have a feeling that this is going to be a lot like that scene in the first Tim Burton Batman movie, when Jack Napier looks at his face in the mirror for the first time after falling into the acid.
Tyrion: No. It won't be like that at all.
Maester Ballabar: If you say so.
Tyrion grabs the mirror and looks. He has a giant gash across his face and he's missing most of his nose.
Tyrion starts laughing maniacally and then smashes the mirror.
Maester Ballabar: I TOLD YOU it would be just like Batman.
Tyrion: I bet Mandy Moore must have been paid by Cersei! She wanted to make sure I never returned from the battlefield alive!
Pod: Oh... are we still doing this "speculating Mandy Moore's motives" thing? Because, as previously noted, it's pretty fruitless since GRRM never actually provides a definitive answer.
Tyrion: Damnit. So what happened to Mandy?
Pod: Drowned.
Tyrion: Ah. And where am I again?
Maester Ballabar: A room in Maegor's Holdfast.
Tyrion: And why exactly am I not in the Hand's Tower?
Pod: Dude, I told you. You're not the Hand of the King anymore.
Maester Ballabar: It's true. Lord Tywin is the Hand of the King. He, Lord Tyrell and Littlefinger returned just in time to turn the tide of the battle. They saved the city!
Tyrion: Wow. Really? Those guys saved the city?
Maester Ballabar: Yes. And maybe also Renly's ghost.
Tyrion: Say what now? This is all messed up. I need to go back to sleep.
Maester Ballabar: More milk of the poppy then?
Tyrion: NO! STOP IT! No more damn milk of the poppy. Get out of here!
Maester Ballabar: Whatevs.
Maester Ballabar leaves.
Tyrion: Pod, make me some dreamwine. I'd rather have wine than more damn opiates. And fetch Bronn.
Pod: It's actually "Ser Bronn" now.
Tyrion: Really? Holy shit I missed a lot. Oh, and also get me Maester Frenken. I don't trust this Maester. He's probably one of Cersei's men.
Pod: Cool beans.
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