Bran, who is very much alive and is not dead like the miller's children, has warged into Summer's body again. And Summer is doing typical wolf shit.
Bran/Summer: I'm just running around. Chasing my tail. Fighting over eating the corpse of a dead horse. Playing with my brother, Shaggydog. Watching Winterfell burn to the ground. You know, typical wolf stuuuuuhhhh.... WAIT A MINUTE. Watching Winterfell burn to the ground?!
Yep.
Voice: Wake up! Bran! Wake up!
Bran: AGH! Damnit! Why did you bring me back down here to the dungeons catacombs below Winterfell. I want to be running around free. Not a cripple in a crypt.
Jojen: Yo Bran, maaaan. You need to eat, maaan. You've been out for three days, bro. Like, whoa. Even a mega-hit of the sativa doesn't knock me out for that long. I think, like, if you keep going into Summer's dreams for that long... one day you'll never come out!
Bran: I don't need to eat. I was already eating that dead horse. I could taste its delicious horse blood in my mouth. Yum! Horse!
Jojen: That's Summer eating the horse, Bran. Not you. You can't get nourishment from your dreams, man. Unless, like, you can. Whoa. That's deep.
Meera: No, I just want to confirm that you CANNOT GET nourishment from your dreams. You do need to eat, Bran. Also, I want to point out that Rickon, Osha, and Hodor are all also here as well.
Osha: Yep. We are. We never left Winterfell. We were hiding in the catacombs the whole time. We only let the dogs loose and then hid out here.
Bran: Oh, and by the way. I saw Winterfell completely on fire out there. And abandoned.
Meera: WHAT?!
Bran: Yeah, it looks like it's been like that for a while. Some big battle. Now Winterfell is totally destroyed. When I was Summer I didn't see anyone. We should probably go out and see what happened.
Osha: That's not a good idea. But then again... we are almost completely out of food. I wonder if it's day or night.
Bran: It's day. I saw that when I was Summer.
Rickon: Oh goodie! Are we leaving then? Are we finally getting out of here? I can't wait to see Shaggydog! He's my best friend!
And so they gather their limited number of things up, and begin to head out of the catacombs for the surface.
Osha: Although we'll need some weapons. Just in case. YOINK!
Osha grabs the sword from Ned Stark's tomb.
Bran: HEY! Way to desecrate my father's grave!
Osha: Shut up. He's not even buried here. Last we know of, his bones were still in the process of being shipped from Riverrun. And this is just some ceremonial sword that was going to decorate a grave. Better we be armed in case Theon or any of his bitch-ass Iron Men are still around.
Bran: Fair point. Let's all steal weapons from graves!!!
Meera takes a sword from Rickard Stark's grave, and Bran takes one from his own uncle Brandon. The others grab swords too, but this isn't a chapter about sword distribution... so we'll just move the story along. I mean it's not like these missing swords will come up multiple books later in a Theon POV chapter taking Lady Dustin through the crypts.
Bran: Look at me now. A cripple with a sword. I bet everyone will be so scared!
Meera: Stop being a mopey little bitch.
And so they head to the passage to exit the catacombs and get out, only to find...
Osha: Nope. It's blocked. Some SUPER HEAVY object is wedged against the door. We'd need a giant, strong, horse-man to be able to open it. If only we had someone matching that exact description with us right now.
Everyone turns to Hodor.
Hodor: Ah, salutations my dearest compatriots. For I was indeed quizzical with regard to when I, Hodor, would actually have some dialogue within this chapter. It is especially lamentable that it took this long for me to speak, as my interlocution skills are second-to-none!
Osha: Shut the fuck up and open the door.
Hodor: Right-o.
Hodor uses all his strength and eventually pushes the door open. They come out in the First Keep, which is now a burnt ruin of waste and sadness.
Summer and Shaggydog are waiting there though. They've got that psychic connection with the Stark boys, so that's convenient. After a bunch of hugs and kisses and face-licking...
Jojen: We should, like, go, maaaan. Before OTHER wolves show up. You know, the less friendly kind. Or pigs! I hate the pigs! Always trying to take my weed.
Osha: I agree. With the "getting out of here" part. But let's find some food first since we were starving down there for the last few days.
They go scrambling around and find some spam, mixed nuts, a frozen pepperoni pizza, a half-eaten bag of sour gummy worms, buffalo chicken taquitos, a six pack of mountain dew, and a bunch of the Winterfell 7-Eleven's "Big Bite" hot dogs that have been rolling back and forth on that rolling heater thingie for way too long.
Jojen: Good, that's enough food for me. I've got the munchies. Not sure what everyone else is going to eat though. *tokes*
Meera: This is for everyone, asshat! Come on!
And so they carefully sneak out of the ruins of Winterfell. Summer runs ahead, towards the godswood, and howls back at them.
Summer: *HOWL* [Translation: This way, you slow ass mofos].
Bran looks around and sees the ruins of the home he grew up in. Destroyed buildings. Dead bodies. Lots of dead bodies.
Bran: Oh, this is odd. This dead guy has the symbol of the Dreadfort on him. I wonder how HE got here.
Osha: Don't worry about it. They're dead bodies now, so how they got here doesn't matter. Just watch your step and don't trip over any of these--*OOOF*
Osha trips over a dead body.
"Dead Body:" *oof*
Bran: AGHHH!!!! THE DEAD BODY SAID "OOF!"
Maester Luwin: I'm not dead yet, you dipshit, Bran.
Bran: LUWIN! Holy crap! You're still alive!
Luwin: *cough* Not for much longer.
Bran: Oh yeah, good point. Whenever someone coughs that means they are going to die. Everybody knows that.
Luwin lay there, mortally wounded from earlier. Barely able to move. He smiles.
Luwin: Bran and Rickon. I knew you two were alive! I just knew it! That Theon is such a lying shit.
Bran: You've got to come with us, Luwin!
Luwin: No. I'm not long for this world. And what you boys need to do is separate yourselves. If you're caught together... the north is doomed! Robb's heirs must be apart. And your chances are better if you split.
Bran: Yeah, good idea. Nobody really likes Rickon anyway.
Osha: I agree. We do need to split up.
Bran: DIBS ON GOING WITH MEERA!
Meera: Okay. If you insist. And I guess my brother comes with me too. And we need Hodor too. To carry you, Bran.
Osha: Wait... so that leaves ME with Rickon? Damnit. Well, I bet neither of us are ever going to be seen again. Where should we go?
Luwin: I don't know. The Ironmen are to the west. The Bastard of Bolton, Ramsay, to the east. War is in every direction. Winter... is... coming.
Bran: HEY! That's my dad's line. Stop that.
Luwin: And before I die, I ask one last favor of Osha.
Osha: *sigh*... Okay. *starts stripping*
Luwin: No, no! Not that. Here, I need you to "fetch me some water." *wink*
Osha: The wink. I don't get it. So you DO want me to strip down?
Luwin: Send the boys away!
Osha: Right. So I'm assuming you want me on top, given your condition.
Luwin: No. I need to you kill me and put me out of my misery. But I don't want the boys to hear me say that.
Osha: Ah, right. Right. Bran, Rickon... pretend you didn't hear that. Go over there and wait for me. I'll be fetchin Luwin some delicious, quenching water.
Osha pulls out a large knife.
Bran: Why are you pulling out a knife then?
Osha: Uhh... this is a water knife!
Five minutes later... Osha rejoins the rest of the group, covered in blood.
Osha: So, okay... check this out. So me, Rickon and Shaggydog will go east on the kingsroad. Hodor and the Reeds will stay with Bran. And you can go... you know... whatever way you want, so long as it's not also east. In fact, it's better that you don't tell me what way you're going at all so I don't know. Adios, bitches!
A Clash of Kings was published 20 years ago in 1998. Osha and Rickon have not appeared since then.
Bran: Wait... before we leave. Should we check around and look in the trees to perhaps see if there is someone spying on us? Someone like, oh, I don't know... Theon's mute squire, Wex Pyke.
Everyone shakes their heads, "no," indicating that it is highly unlikely that Theon's mute squire, Wex Pyke, is an important enough character to pay attention to and/or watch out for. So they all head separate ways without even looking to see if Wex Pyke is hiding in a tree and watching them.
Wex Pyke: Hehehe, it's funny because I AM here, and I'm going to follow Osha and Rickon.
NO! STOP THAT, WEX PYKE! You're Mute and not allowed to talk! STOP!
Bran: Okay, so what way are we going then, Jojen? Perhaps down to Greywater Watch to visit your father, Howland Reed?
Jojen: No, Bran. We need to go NORTH! To the Three-Eyed Crow!
Bran: OH SHIT, EXCITING!!!!
Bran/Summer: I'm just running around. Chasing my tail. Fighting over eating the corpse of a dead horse. Playing with my brother, Shaggydog. Watching Winterfell burn to the ground. You know, typical wolf stuuuuuhhhh.... WAIT A MINUTE. Watching Winterfell burn to the ground?!
Yep.
Voice: Wake up! Bran! Wake up!
Bran: AGH! Damnit! Why did you bring me back down here to the dungeons catacombs below Winterfell. I want to be running around free. Not a cripple in a crypt.
Jojen: Yo Bran, maaaan. You need to eat, maaan. You've been out for three days, bro. Like, whoa. Even a mega-hit of the sativa doesn't knock me out for that long. I think, like, if you keep going into Summer's dreams for that long... one day you'll never come out!
Bran: I don't need to eat. I was already eating that dead horse. I could taste its delicious horse blood in my mouth. Yum! Horse!
Jojen: That's Summer eating the horse, Bran. Not you. You can't get nourishment from your dreams, man. Unless, like, you can. Whoa. That's deep.
Meera: No, I just want to confirm that you CANNOT GET nourishment from your dreams. You do need to eat, Bran. Also, I want to point out that Rickon, Osha, and Hodor are all also here as well.
Osha: Yep. We are. We never left Winterfell. We were hiding in the catacombs the whole time. We only let the dogs loose and then hid out here.
Bran: Oh, and by the way. I saw Winterfell completely on fire out there. And abandoned.
Meera: WHAT?!
Bran: Yeah, it looks like it's been like that for a while. Some big battle. Now Winterfell is totally destroyed. When I was Summer I didn't see anyone. We should probably go out and see what happened.
Osha: That's not a good idea. But then again... we are almost completely out of food. I wonder if it's day or night.
Bran: It's day. I saw that when I was Summer.
Rickon: Oh goodie! Are we leaving then? Are we finally getting out of here? I can't wait to see Shaggydog! He's my best friend!
And so they gather their limited number of things up, and begin to head out of the catacombs for the surface.
Osha: Although we'll need some weapons. Just in case. YOINK!
Osha grabs the sword from Ned Stark's tomb.
Bran: HEY! Way to desecrate my father's grave!
Osha: Shut up. He's not even buried here. Last we know of, his bones were still in the process of being shipped from Riverrun. And this is just some ceremonial sword that was going to decorate a grave. Better we be armed in case Theon or any of his bitch-ass Iron Men are still around.
Bran: Fair point. Let's all steal weapons from graves!!!
Meera takes a sword from Rickard Stark's grave, and Bran takes one from his own uncle Brandon. The others grab swords too, but this isn't a chapter about sword distribution... so we'll just move the story along. I mean it's not like these missing swords will come up multiple books later in a Theon POV chapter taking Lady Dustin through the crypts.
Bran: Look at me now. A cripple with a sword. I bet everyone will be so scared!
Meera: Stop being a mopey little bitch.
And so they head to the passage to exit the catacombs and get out, only to find...
Osha: Nope. It's blocked. Some SUPER HEAVY object is wedged against the door. We'd need a giant, strong, horse-man to be able to open it. If only we had someone matching that exact description with us right now.
Everyone turns to Hodor.
Hodor: Ah, salutations my dearest compatriots. For I was indeed quizzical with regard to when I, Hodor, would actually have some dialogue within this chapter. It is especially lamentable that it took this long for me to speak, as my interlocution skills are second-to-none!
Osha: Shut the fuck up and open the door.
Hodor: Right-o.
Hodor uses all his strength and eventually pushes the door open. They come out in the First Keep, which is now a burnt ruin of waste and sadness.
Summer and Shaggydog are waiting there though. They've got that psychic connection with the Stark boys, so that's convenient. After a bunch of hugs and kisses and face-licking...
Jojen: We should, like, go, maaaan. Before OTHER wolves show up. You know, the less friendly kind. Or pigs! I hate the pigs! Always trying to take my weed.
Osha: I agree. With the "getting out of here" part. But let's find some food first since we were starving down there for the last few days.
They go scrambling around and find some spam, mixed nuts, a frozen pepperoni pizza, a half-eaten bag of sour gummy worms, buffalo chicken taquitos, a six pack of mountain dew, and a bunch of the Winterfell 7-Eleven's "Big Bite" hot dogs that have been rolling back and forth on that rolling heater thingie for way too long.
Jojen: Good, that's enough food for me. I've got the munchies. Not sure what everyone else is going to eat though. *tokes*
Meera: This is for everyone, asshat! Come on!
And so they carefully sneak out of the ruins of Winterfell. Summer runs ahead, towards the godswood, and howls back at them.
Summer: *HOWL* [Translation: This way, you slow ass mofos].
Bran looks around and sees the ruins of the home he grew up in. Destroyed buildings. Dead bodies. Lots of dead bodies.
Bran: Oh, this is odd. This dead guy has the symbol of the Dreadfort on him. I wonder how HE got here.
Osha: Don't worry about it. They're dead bodies now, so how they got here doesn't matter. Just watch your step and don't trip over any of these--*OOOF*
Osha trips over a dead body.
"Dead Body:" *oof*
Bran: AGHHH!!!! THE DEAD BODY SAID "OOF!"
Maester Luwin: I'm not dead yet, you dipshit, Bran.
Bran: LUWIN! Holy crap! You're still alive!
Luwin: *cough* Not for much longer.
Bran: Oh yeah, good point. Whenever someone coughs that means they are going to die. Everybody knows that.
Luwin lay there, mortally wounded from earlier. Barely able to move. He smiles.
Luwin: Bran and Rickon. I knew you two were alive! I just knew it! That Theon is such a lying shit.
Bran: You've got to come with us, Luwin!
Luwin: No. I'm not long for this world. And what you boys need to do is separate yourselves. If you're caught together... the north is doomed! Robb's heirs must be apart. And your chances are better if you split.
Bran: Yeah, good idea. Nobody really likes Rickon anyway.
Osha: I agree. We do need to split up.
Bran: DIBS ON GOING WITH MEERA!
Meera: Okay. If you insist. And I guess my brother comes with me too. And we need Hodor too. To carry you, Bran.
Osha: Wait... so that leaves ME with Rickon? Damnit. Well, I bet neither of us are ever going to be seen again. Where should we go?
Luwin: I don't know. The Ironmen are to the west. The Bastard of Bolton, Ramsay, to the east. War is in every direction. Winter... is... coming.
Bran: HEY! That's my dad's line. Stop that.
Luwin: And before I die, I ask one last favor of Osha.
Osha: *sigh*... Okay. *starts stripping*
Luwin: No, no! Not that. Here, I need you to "fetch me some water." *wink*
Osha: The wink. I don't get it. So you DO want me to strip down?
Luwin: Send the boys away!
Osha: Right. So I'm assuming you want me on top, given your condition.
Luwin: No. I need to you kill me and put me out of my misery. But I don't want the boys to hear me say that.
Osha: Ah, right. Right. Bran, Rickon... pretend you didn't hear that. Go over there and wait for me. I'll be fetchin Luwin some delicious, quenching water.
Osha pulls out a large knife.
Bran: Why are you pulling out a knife then?
Osha: Uhh... this is a water knife!
Five minutes later... Osha rejoins the rest of the group, covered in blood.
Osha: So, okay... check this out. So me, Rickon and Shaggydog will go east on the kingsroad. Hodor and the Reeds will stay with Bran. And you can go... you know... whatever way you want, so long as it's not also east. In fact, it's better that you don't tell me what way you're going at all so I don't know. Adios, bitches!
A Clash of Kings was published 20 years ago in 1998. Osha and Rickon have not appeared since then.
Bran: Wait... before we leave. Should we check around and look in the trees to perhaps see if there is someone spying on us? Someone like, oh, I don't know... Theon's mute squire, Wex Pyke.
Everyone shakes their heads, "no," indicating that it is highly unlikely that Theon's mute squire, Wex Pyke, is an important enough character to pay attention to and/or watch out for. So they all head separate ways without even looking to see if Wex Pyke is hiding in a tree and watching them.
Wex Pyke: Hehehe, it's funny because I AM here, and I'm going to follow Osha and Rickon.
NO! STOP THAT, WEX PYKE! You're Mute and not allowed to talk! STOP!
Bran: Okay, so what way are we going then, Jojen? Perhaps down to Greywater Watch to visit your father, Howland Reed?
Jojen: No, Bran. We need to go NORTH! To the Three-Eyed Crow!
Bran: OH SHIT, EXCITING!!!!
~FIN~
No comments:
Post a Comment