Tyrion sneaks up on Varys in his bedchambers.
Varys: Eww, gross. Just what direction is this chapter going in?
Tyrion: Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm just reversing things on you. You know how you usually appear out of nowhere and surpise me. Now I'm flipping it. By the way. You haven't been doing that a lot recently. Guess even though I'm not really dead... now that I'm not the Hand of the King you don't even bother talking, huh? You can no longer use me to achieve whatever shitty scheming you're up to.
Varys: I'm deeply offended. You know I'm a dear friend. I was just keeping my distance since you were so close to death after that battle. I didn't want to bother or annoy you while you were recovering. Also your face is really fucked up now and I hate looking at it.
Tyrion: So I hear Pycelle is back on the Council.
Varys: Yep. Lord Tywin did that so to avoid them putting some Tyrell-loyal maester on there. My spies listen to the whispers, even at the archmaesters' conclave in Oldtown. And speaking of fired people that the new leadership brought back - Ser Boros Blount has also been given his job back in the Kingsguard.
Tyrion: Well, that wasn't me who fired him. That was Cersei. But yeah, she made the right decision. That guy was an asshat. But while we're on the subject of the Kingsguard... I'd like to talk about Mandy Moore.
Varys: Ugh. Really? Could we not. As previously stated every other time this was brought up... Mandy Moore is a red herring. GRRM will never bother to resolve this plotline or explain why he tried to kill you. I know it's unsatisfying, but it is how it is.
Tyrion: Damn. Geez. I was just saying.
Varys: Say something else then. So you have a better reason for coming here? I'm sure you didn't really want to talk about Mandy Moore.
Tyrion: Actually, you're right. I want to talk about Shae. I need you to bring me to her.
Varys: Are you sure that's a good idea? Didn't your last chapter specifically end with a threat from your father that he would kill the next whore you were in bed with?
Tyrion: Yes, but I want one last pop before I send her away forever. And by "pop" I mean--
Varys: --Oh, I get it. Just because I had my privates removed by a wizard doesn't mean I don't know what you're talking about. I suppose there is one way I could arrange it which should be pretty safe and undetected. It would have to be in my bedchambers though.
Tyrion: On the one hand, that makes a lot of sense. You know, what with you being the spymaster and all the secret passages throughout the Red Keep likely leading to your room. On the other hand, eww... have sex in your bed?
Varys: What. It's not like I'n going to sniff the sheets afterwards or anything. Or will I?
Tyrion: Now I'll never get that image out of my head.
Varys: Look, you need to do this discreetly. Cersei's spies are watching everwhere. Those Kettleblacks are loyal to her.
Tyrion: Yeah, what the hell? I was bribing them too. Why aren't they on my side?
Varys: Cersei is totally hinting at Osmund Kettleblack that he's going to get some pussy if he obeys her. And he's falling for it. But there are plenty of others in addition to the Kettleblacks that would sell you out.
Tyrion: Yeah. I'm sure my dad has ordered someone to spy on me too, seperate from Cersei's orders.
Varys: Indeed he has. Me.
Tyrion: Oh, wow. Interesting. You know, you're not a very good spy if you tell people that.
Varys: *shrugs* Whatever. Say, if you're going to do this Shae thing... you better get freshened up. Go back to your room, take a shower, maybe see if there is anything you can do about your goddamn, hideous, wounded face that looks like a nightmare.
Tyrion: Ouch. But good point.
And so Tyrion goes to do that. He puts on one of those sets of glasses with the fake nose and Groucho Marx mustache. That way he'll have a nose, right!?
Now all clean, Tyrion heads back to Varys's room. Along the way, he runs into Ser Balon Swann and Ser Lorad Tyrell.
Tyrion: Loras... I always meant to ask why such a handsome, young man like you would take up knighthood. You're giving up your title, lands, and hopes of marriage to a beautiful young woman.
Loras: Hahahahahaha. Good one, Tyrion.
Tyrion: What are you laughing at?
Loras: Oh wait... you're being serious? Let me laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Tyrion gets back to Varys' chamber to find Varys dressed as a woman.
Tyrion: *vomits everywhere*
Varys: Hey, I don't look that bad.
Shae is there too. She's not dressed as a woman. She's ass naked.
Shae: Hi Tyrion!
Tyrion: Get the fuck out of here, Varys. And I better not here any secret doors opening up while I'm in the middle of taking care of business.
Varys leaves.
Tyrion: Oh Shae, I've missed you so much.
Shae: There is no need to wear that fake nose with those glasses. I just want to see your face for how it really loo--
She takes his glasses/fake nose off and sees his wounds from the battle.
Shae: Oh second thought. Leave it on.
They have sex.
Tyrion: Okay, Shae. I have something important to tell you. This needs to be the last time ever that we--
Shae: --Oh hey. I'm invited to the King's wedding, right? That will be so much fun to go to. I want to wear all my pretty clothes and jewels again. Not these maid clothes for Lady Tanda. Everyone is going to be there at the wedding. It's going to be bigger than Harry and Meghan! Even that singer, Symon Silver Tongue, is going to be there. You know, the one who has previously caught us with each other before and knows of our secret?
Tyrion: Interesting that such a minor character from an entire book ago would be mentioned again like that. But okay. Look, what I'm trying to say is that this is a terrible idea. You shouldn't go. Why would Lady Tanda's maid me on the wedding guest list? Also, I need to tell you something important! This is the last time that we can ever--
Shae: --Want more sex now?
They have more sex, Shae distracting him from telling her that they're going to break up. Which means that they don't break up. If ending your relationship with a hooker even counts as "breaking up," which it doesn't.
Having never told Shae, Tyrion goes back to his room.
Tyrion: Oh, hey Bronn. Where have you been?
Bronn: Having sex with this prostitute named Alayaya. She's so hot. She has all these whip marks on her back though. That angers me a lot. If only I knew who was to blame for it. Like some guy who put this girl in the middle of some convoluted plot that involved her getting whipped and tortured for no reason.
Tyrion: Fuck you, Bronn. I need you to do something for me.
Bronn: Okay.
Tyrion: Track down a singer named "Symon Silver Tongue."
Bronn: And kill him?
Tyrion: WHAT?! You're jumping a little bit ahead here.
Varys: Eww, gross. Just what direction is this chapter going in?
Tyrion: Get your mind out of the gutter. I'm just reversing things on you. You know how you usually appear out of nowhere and surpise me. Now I'm flipping it. By the way. You haven't been doing that a lot recently. Guess even though I'm not really dead... now that I'm not the Hand of the King you don't even bother talking, huh? You can no longer use me to achieve whatever shitty scheming you're up to.
Varys: I'm deeply offended. You know I'm a dear friend. I was just keeping my distance since you were so close to death after that battle. I didn't want to bother or annoy you while you were recovering. Also your face is really fucked up now and I hate looking at it.
Tyrion: So I hear Pycelle is back on the Council.
Varys: Yep. Lord Tywin did that so to avoid them putting some Tyrell-loyal maester on there. My spies listen to the whispers, even at the archmaesters' conclave in Oldtown. And speaking of fired people that the new leadership brought back - Ser Boros Blount has also been given his job back in the Kingsguard.
Tyrion: Well, that wasn't me who fired him. That was Cersei. But yeah, she made the right decision. That guy was an asshat. But while we're on the subject of the Kingsguard... I'd like to talk about Mandy Moore.
Varys: Ugh. Really? Could we not. As previously stated every other time this was brought up... Mandy Moore is a red herring. GRRM will never bother to resolve this plotline or explain why he tried to kill you. I know it's unsatisfying, but it is how it is.
Tyrion: Damn. Geez. I was just saying.
Varys: Say something else then. So you have a better reason for coming here? I'm sure you didn't really want to talk about Mandy Moore.
Tyrion: Actually, you're right. I want to talk about Shae. I need you to bring me to her.
Varys: Are you sure that's a good idea? Didn't your last chapter specifically end with a threat from your father that he would kill the next whore you were in bed with?
Tyrion: Yes, but I want one last pop before I send her away forever. And by "pop" I mean--
Varys: --Oh, I get it. Just because I had my privates removed by a wizard doesn't mean I don't know what you're talking about. I suppose there is one way I could arrange it which should be pretty safe and undetected. It would have to be in my bedchambers though.
Tyrion: On the one hand, that makes a lot of sense. You know, what with you being the spymaster and all the secret passages throughout the Red Keep likely leading to your room. On the other hand, eww... have sex in your bed?
Varys: What. It's not like I'n going to sniff the sheets afterwards or anything. Or will I?
Tyrion: Now I'll never get that image out of my head.
Varys: Look, you need to do this discreetly. Cersei's spies are watching everwhere. Those Kettleblacks are loyal to her.
Tyrion: Yeah, what the hell? I was bribing them too. Why aren't they on my side?
Varys: Cersei is totally hinting at Osmund Kettleblack that he's going to get some pussy if he obeys her. And he's falling for it. But there are plenty of others in addition to the Kettleblacks that would sell you out.
Tyrion: Yeah. I'm sure my dad has ordered someone to spy on me too, seperate from Cersei's orders.
Varys: Indeed he has. Me.
Tyrion: Oh, wow. Interesting. You know, you're not a very good spy if you tell people that.
Varys: *shrugs* Whatever. Say, if you're going to do this Shae thing... you better get freshened up. Go back to your room, take a shower, maybe see if there is anything you can do about your goddamn, hideous, wounded face that looks like a nightmare.
Tyrion: Ouch. But good point.
And so Tyrion goes to do that. He puts on one of those sets of glasses with the fake nose and Groucho Marx mustache. That way he'll have a nose, right!?
Now all clean, Tyrion heads back to Varys's room. Along the way, he runs into Ser Balon Swann and Ser Lorad Tyrell.
Tyrion: Loras... I always meant to ask why such a handsome, young man like you would take up knighthood. You're giving up your title, lands, and hopes of marriage to a beautiful young woman.
Loras: Hahahahahaha. Good one, Tyrion.
Tyrion: What are you laughing at?
Loras: Oh wait... you're being serious? Let me laugh even harder. HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Tyrion gets back to Varys' chamber to find Varys dressed as a woman.
Tyrion: *vomits everywhere*
Varys: Hey, I don't look that bad.
Shae is there too. She's not dressed as a woman. She's ass naked.
Shae: Hi Tyrion!
Tyrion: Get the fuck out of here, Varys. And I better not here any secret doors opening up while I'm in the middle of taking care of business.
Varys leaves.
Tyrion: Oh Shae, I've missed you so much.
Shae: There is no need to wear that fake nose with those glasses. I just want to see your face for how it really loo--
She takes his glasses/fake nose off and sees his wounds from the battle.
Shae: Oh second thought. Leave it on.
They have sex.
Tyrion: Okay, Shae. I have something important to tell you. This needs to be the last time ever that we--
Shae: --Oh hey. I'm invited to the King's wedding, right? That will be so much fun to go to. I want to wear all my pretty clothes and jewels again. Not these maid clothes for Lady Tanda. Everyone is going to be there at the wedding. It's going to be bigger than Harry and Meghan! Even that singer, Symon Silver Tongue, is going to be there. You know, the one who has previously caught us with each other before and knows of our secret?
Tyrion: Interesting that such a minor character from an entire book ago would be mentioned again like that. But okay. Look, what I'm trying to say is that this is a terrible idea. You shouldn't go. Why would Lady Tanda's maid me on the wedding guest list? Also, I need to tell you something important! This is the last time that we can ever--
Shae: --Want more sex now?
They have more sex, Shae distracting him from telling her that they're going to break up. Which means that they don't break up. If ending your relationship with a hooker even counts as "breaking up," which it doesn't.
Having never told Shae, Tyrion goes back to his room.
Tyrion: Oh, hey Bronn. Where have you been?
Bronn: Having sex with this prostitute named Alayaya. She's so hot. She has all these whip marks on her back though. That angers me a lot. If only I knew who was to blame for it. Like some guy who put this girl in the middle of some convoluted plot that involved her getting whipped and tortured for no reason.
Tyrion: Fuck you, Bronn. I need you to do something for me.
Bronn: Okay.
Tyrion: Track down a singer named "Symon Silver Tongue."
Bronn: And kill him?
Tyrion: WHAT?! You're jumping a little bit ahead here.
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