Bronn: Yo, whattup Tyrion?
Tyrion: Oh, Bronn. I see you’ve got a cool new outfit. A knight’s outfit. With a symbol of a burning chain.
Bronn: Yeah, I’m totally a knight now. You know, for my heroism in the defense of the Blackwater. That’s my new knightly sigil.
Tyrion: You know, I’m the one that came up with the whole chain and fire plan for the defense of the city. Why don’t I get a new, awesome, nightly sigil?
Bronn: Because you already have one. Remember? The whole lion thing.
Tyrion: Ah right. So... do you have any updates about what I missed when I was in a drug-induced coma for probably several months after having my nose cut off?
Bronn: Sure thing. Remember your boy Ser Jacelyn Bywater… the Commander of the City Watch?
Tyrion: Yeah. Totally trustworthy and honest that guy is.
Bronn: Well, he’s dead. Betrayed by his own men as they defected and fled like cowards during the Battle of the Blackwater. Addam Marbrand now controls the Gold Cloaks.
Tyrion: Oh. That sucks. Speaking of people who fled like cowards… what ever happened to the Hound after he quit and I had to lead the charge that he was supposed to?
Bronn: He’s gone. Just straight up gone. Vanished without a trace.
Tyrion: Where are all your sellsword buddies?
Bronn: Dead or gone.
Tyrion: Where are all my Vale Clansmen?
Bronn: The ones who didn’t die either left on their own after getting plunder or were forced out of the city by your father.
Tyrion: Alayaya, the underage ebony hooker that didn’t snitch on me or Shae... and thus got beaten and imprisoned by my sister?
Bronn: Cersei finally released her. But not before having the hell whipped out of her.
Tyrion: Hrm. I promised to Cersei that I would do to Tommen what she did to Yaya. But that’s pretty much an empty threat because no way would I actually do that to an eight year old boy.
Bronn: Well, even if you wanted to… you couldn’t. You don’t have Tommen anymore. As soon as Bywater was dead, Cersei sent the Kettlebacks to retrieve Tommen.
Tyrion: Man, I missed A LOT. What is this I hear about Renly’s Ghost showing up to the battle?
Bronn: If you ask me, it’s a bunch of bullshit. But there are a bunch of people who swear they saw it.
Tyrion: Great. Just great. So the REAL reason that the city is saved is because my master plan with the chains and fire. And yet all the credit is going to be given instead to a guy who has been dead for months. Ain’t that just a kick in the head?
Bronn: Are you quoting Sinatra?
Tyrion: Dude, get your Rat Pack straight. It’s Dean Martin. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. So I take it Stannis is dead?
Bronn: Nope. He was a giant pussy and he never sailed his ship past the delta of the Blackwater and to the chain. So his boat turned around and fled as soon as shit got crazy. He’s probably back at Dragonstone now, licking his wounds.
Tyrion: Robb Stark?
Bronn: Marching towards Duskendale. Your father is sending Lord Tarly to face him.
Tyrion: Cool. I think I’m all caught up now with the plot exposition. So you can keep a secret for me… right?
Bronn: Sure.
Tyrion: Mandy Moore tried to kill me.
Bronn: She almost kills me every time I see her try to act. I don’t care how many Emmys they give that shitty “This is Us” TV show, it is unbearable, sappy melodrama. And all that storytelling through flashbacks nonsense? Ugh.
Tyrion: No, the OTHER Mandy Moore. You must find out everything you can about his motives. Who paid him off. Why.
Bronn: I mean yeah… we could launch an investigation into why Mandy Moore tried to kill you. But I can straight up tell you that GRRM is going to abandon that storyline without ever providing a solid resolution or answer.
Tyrion: Whatever. Now I need to go see my father. But I’m in no condition to walk. So I need you and Podrick to carry me up the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Trust me… it’s going to be INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING for me.
And so the two help him to the Hand’s offices. As they approach, they run into Ser Addam Marbrand.
Ser Addam: Oh, look who it is! Mr. Imp isn’t dead… and is somehow able to stumble his way here.
Tyrion: Shut up. I need to see my dad.
Addam: Okay, but he’s not in a good mood. Your cousin Tyrek has vanished in some sort of crazy mob.
Bronn: Well, then he’s dead.
Addam: Yeah, I mean probably.
Tyrion limps into the Tower of the Hand. His father stands over a giant board game of Risk: Westeros that Tywin has set up to reflect the ongoing battles. He’s writing some sort of letter to someone. Bronn and Pod are dismissed.
Tywin: Dafuq do you want?
Tyrion: I kind of want my chambers back. But you seem to have taken them.
Tywin: Well, I’m the Hand of the King now, so they’re MY chambers. You were really only ever acting Hand anyway. Also, you look like shit.
Tyrion: No kidding.
Tywin: Just what in the hell possessed you to make you think it would be a good idea to lead the foolish charge at the Mud Gate anyway?
Tyrion: Foolish? You know, if Jaime had led the charge you would have called it “bravery.”
Tywin: Yeah, well, Jaime is actually good at fighting though. And he’d never be so stupid as to do something like, oh, take his helmet off in the middle of the war so that he could het half of his face cut off.
Tyrion: So I see you whipped out the giant battle map. I also hear from Bronn that Robb Stark is attacking Duskendale. What’s up with that? And what letter are you writing to who about what?
Tywin: Do you really want to talk battle strategy with me? Or are you just making small talk? Get to your damn point, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Uhhh… some GRATITUDE would be nice. You know, for the chain and wildfire thing. For saving the entire city.
Tywin: Really? Because when my forces showed up the entire city was on fire and every gold cloak and solider was defecting. It was my own attack on Stannis’s flank that actually turned the tide and won the battle. But I guess that chain thing was cute.
Tyrion: I hate you, dad.
Tywin: You know what WASN’T cute? That deal you made with the Martells while I was out righting. Sending Myrcella away to be a hostage?
Tyrion: Really? You think that making sure that Dorne remained our allies and sided with us was a bad idea? Okay. Fine. You’re entitled to your WRONG opinion.
Tywin: Anything else you want to get off your chest while you’re being a little whiny bitch?
Tyrion: You declaring me as the heir to Casterly Rock would be cool. Jaime has taken up vows and as a knight can’t have children or be your heir. That leaves me.
Tywin: HAHAHAHAHA… you’re serious, huh? You think I’d let you… a deformed fucking imp that killed my dear wife with your hideous birth… be the HEIR TO CASTERLY ROCK? So that you could fill it with whores and savages? No way. You’re lucky that you were born a Lannister in the first place. If you were born anywhere else they would have thrown you off the cliff.
Tyrion: Geez. I see you worked in a whoring reference in there. This is really still all about whores to you, huh? I bet you’re the one who had Yaya whipped instead of Cersei then. You need to get over that whore stuff, old man.
Tywin: Nope. The next whore I catch you with will be hanged.
Tyrion: Ah, okay. I can see where this plotline is going.
Tyrion: Oh, Bronn. I see you’ve got a cool new outfit. A knight’s outfit. With a symbol of a burning chain.
Bronn: Yeah, I’m totally a knight now. You know, for my heroism in the defense of the Blackwater. That’s my new knightly sigil.
Tyrion: You know, I’m the one that came up with the whole chain and fire plan for the defense of the city. Why don’t I get a new, awesome, nightly sigil?
Bronn: Because you already have one. Remember? The whole lion thing.
Tyrion: Ah right. So... do you have any updates about what I missed when I was in a drug-induced coma for probably several months after having my nose cut off?
Bronn: Sure thing. Remember your boy Ser Jacelyn Bywater… the Commander of the City Watch?
Tyrion: Yeah. Totally trustworthy and honest that guy is.
Bronn: Well, he’s dead. Betrayed by his own men as they defected and fled like cowards during the Battle of the Blackwater. Addam Marbrand now controls the Gold Cloaks.
Tyrion: Oh. That sucks. Speaking of people who fled like cowards… what ever happened to the Hound after he quit and I had to lead the charge that he was supposed to?
Bronn: He’s gone. Just straight up gone. Vanished without a trace.
Tyrion: Where are all your sellsword buddies?
Bronn: Dead or gone.
Tyrion: Where are all my Vale Clansmen?
Bronn: The ones who didn’t die either left on their own after getting plunder or were forced out of the city by your father.
Tyrion: Alayaya, the underage ebony hooker that didn’t snitch on me or Shae... and thus got beaten and imprisoned by my sister?
Bronn: Cersei finally released her. But not before having the hell whipped out of her.
Tyrion: Hrm. I promised to Cersei that I would do to Tommen what she did to Yaya. But that’s pretty much an empty threat because no way would I actually do that to an eight year old boy.
Bronn: Well, even if you wanted to… you couldn’t. You don’t have Tommen anymore. As soon as Bywater was dead, Cersei sent the Kettlebacks to retrieve Tommen.
Tyrion: Man, I missed A LOT. What is this I hear about Renly’s Ghost showing up to the battle?
Bronn: If you ask me, it’s a bunch of bullshit. But there are a bunch of people who swear they saw it.
Tyrion: Great. Just great. So the REAL reason that the city is saved is because my master plan with the chains and fire. And yet all the credit is going to be given instead to a guy who has been dead for months. Ain’t that just a kick in the head?
Bronn: Are you quoting Sinatra?
Tyrion: Dude, get your Rat Pack straight. It’s Dean Martin. Anyway, it doesn’t matter. So I take it Stannis is dead?
Bronn: Nope. He was a giant pussy and he never sailed his ship past the delta of the Blackwater and to the chain. So his boat turned around and fled as soon as shit got crazy. He’s probably back at Dragonstone now, licking his wounds.
Tyrion: Robb Stark?
Bronn: Marching towards Duskendale. Your father is sending Lord Tarly to face him.
Tyrion: Cool. I think I’m all caught up now with the plot exposition. So you can keep a secret for me… right?
Bronn: Sure.
Tyrion: Mandy Moore tried to kill me.
Bronn: She almost kills me every time I see her try to act. I don’t care how many Emmys they give that shitty “This is Us” TV show, it is unbearable, sappy melodrama. And all that storytelling through flashbacks nonsense? Ugh.
Tyrion: No, the OTHER Mandy Moore. You must find out everything you can about his motives. Who paid him off. Why.
Bronn: I mean yeah… we could launch an investigation into why Mandy Moore tried to kill you. But I can straight up tell you that GRRM is going to abandon that storyline without ever providing a solid resolution or answer.
Tyrion: Whatever. Now I need to go see my father. But I’m in no condition to walk. So I need you and Podrick to carry me up the stairs to the Tower of the Hand. Trust me… it’s going to be INCREDIBLY EMBARRASSING for me.
And so the two help him to the Hand’s offices. As they approach, they run into Ser Addam Marbrand.
Ser Addam: Oh, look who it is! Mr. Imp isn’t dead… and is somehow able to stumble his way here.
Tyrion: Shut up. I need to see my dad.
Addam: Okay, but he’s not in a good mood. Your cousin Tyrek has vanished in some sort of crazy mob.
Bronn: Well, then he’s dead.
Addam: Yeah, I mean probably.
Tyrion limps into the Tower of the Hand. His father stands over a giant board game of Risk: Westeros that Tywin has set up to reflect the ongoing battles. He’s writing some sort of letter to someone. Bronn and Pod are dismissed.
Tywin: Dafuq do you want?
Tyrion: I kind of want my chambers back. But you seem to have taken them.
Tywin: Well, I’m the Hand of the King now, so they’re MY chambers. You were really only ever acting Hand anyway. Also, you look like shit.
Tyrion: No kidding.
Tywin: Just what in the hell possessed you to make you think it would be a good idea to lead the foolish charge at the Mud Gate anyway?
Tyrion: Foolish? You know, if Jaime had led the charge you would have called it “bravery.”
Tywin: Yeah, well, Jaime is actually good at fighting though. And he’d never be so stupid as to do something like, oh, take his helmet off in the middle of the war so that he could het half of his face cut off.
Tyrion: So I see you whipped out the giant battle map. I also hear from Bronn that Robb Stark is attacking Duskendale. What’s up with that? And what letter are you writing to who about what?
Tywin: Do you really want to talk battle strategy with me? Or are you just making small talk? Get to your damn point, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Uhhh… some GRATITUDE would be nice. You know, for the chain and wildfire thing. For saving the entire city.
Tywin: Really? Because when my forces showed up the entire city was on fire and every gold cloak and solider was defecting. It was my own attack on Stannis’s flank that actually turned the tide and won the battle. But I guess that chain thing was cute.
Tyrion: I hate you, dad.
Tywin: You know what WASN’T cute? That deal you made with the Martells while I was out righting. Sending Myrcella away to be a hostage?
Tyrion: Really? You think that making sure that Dorne remained our allies and sided with us was a bad idea? Okay. Fine. You’re entitled to your WRONG opinion.
Tywin: Anything else you want to get off your chest while you’re being a little whiny bitch?
Tyrion: You declaring me as the heir to Casterly Rock would be cool. Jaime has taken up vows and as a knight can’t have children or be your heir. That leaves me.
Tywin: HAHAHAHAHA… you’re serious, huh? You think I’d let you… a deformed fucking imp that killed my dear wife with your hideous birth… be the HEIR TO CASTERLY ROCK? So that you could fill it with whores and savages? No way. You’re lucky that you were born a Lannister in the first place. If you were born anywhere else they would have thrown you off the cliff.
Tyrion: Geez. I see you worked in a whoring reference in there. This is really still all about whores to you, huh? I bet you’re the one who had Yaya whipped instead of Cersei then. You need to get over that whore stuff, old man.
Tywin: Nope. The next whore I catch you with will be hanged.
Tyrion: Ah, okay. I can see where this plotline is going.
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