Davos: Wow, bet you'd never think I'd be the character who got the first repeat POV chapter in this book, huh? Davos is truly becoming a main character now!
Captain: Shut up, and stop talking to the audience. You're being silly.
The ship that saved Davos Seaworth pulls up to Dragonstone. But all Davos can think of is one thing...
Davos: --I MUST KILL MELISANDRE!
Customs Officer Standing Around in the Port: Wait, what did you just say?
Davos: Uhhh... nothing.
Customs Officer: Oh, okay. Carry on then. Welcome to Dragonstone.
Davos: *cough*
Customs Officer: Eww.
Davos: Sorry. I got sick, what with being lost out at sea all those days/weeks. I'm fighting off a pretty bad infection. I can barely keep the food up. I was vomiting that whole ship ride long. Although part of that was because the food was so rich. Yeah man, that was some boat ride. The Captain told me all about what I missed after I fell overboard. Stannis being defeated. The rumors that Renly's ghost joined the battle. A whole bunch of Stannis's supporters flipping sides at the end of the battle and aligning with Joffrey. It was quite the--
Customs Officer: --Okay man, we don't need your life story. Keep on walking.
As he walks through the harbor, he looks in hope for the ships of his sons, Allard and Dale. But they are nowhere to be found. Meaning that those kids of his have probably burned to death.
Davos: *sigh*
Davos then runs into the ship belonging to an old buddy...
Salladhor Saan: OH SHIT! DAVOS! You're still alive?
Davos: Yep, you can't keep a man like me down. I'm invinc--*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Saan: Hrm, doesn't sound like you're alive for much longer though.
Davos: Yeah. I've got the flux.
Saan: Flux. What is that? I thought that was what they called women's periods in the middle ages.
Davos: Gross. But yeah, it's not that different than that. Except with blood leaking out of my asshole instead. And blood mixed in my puke. A LOT of blood.
Saan: Okay, too much information. Please, come into my ship's cabin and have some food and wine. Maybe that will make you feel better again.
Davos: I'll probably just puke it up again. But I guess maybe some hot wine will be good for my throat.
They go into Saan's ship and Davos has some hot wine.
Davos: Mmm, this is some good wine.
Saan: Damn right it is. From Essos. I stole all this stuff from some guy name Illyrio Mopatis. The ship. The wine. The food. Everything. I just jacked his ship and seized it.
Davos: Interesting that you just randomly name-dropped that guy now that he's just been mentioned in another chapter. Cool. *cough*
Saan: So tell me, man. How the hell are you still even alive?
Davos: Well, it's a long story. I washed out to see onto a rock.
Saan: And then?
Davos: I got rescued.
Saan: Oh. That story wasn't long at all.
Davos: Hrm, I suppose you're right. It was really long in real life. But I guess summarizing it doesn't take that long.
Saan: Well, I'm glad to have you back. You should join the crew of one of my ships and we can sail the world, getting pussy and stealing from people. HELL YEAH, LET'S BE PIRATES!
Davos: Tempting offer, Salladhor. But I am loyal to Stannis and serve him. I must go to him now and let him know I'm alive.
Saan: Good luck with that shit. He doesn't see anyone anymore. As soon as he got back here to Blackwater he locked himself up in his room and won't see anyone. Well, except for that Red Witch. It's just those two doing crazy shit together. There are rumors that they go down into the lava pits of the mountain together.
Davos: MELISANDRE! I MUST KILL HER!!!!! THIS IS ALL HER FAULT!
Saan: Dude. Don't say that so loud. There are people around. Queen's Men. Spies.
Davos: The only reason I am alive is because the gods saved me... saved me to live another day and KILL THE RED WITCH!
Saan: Okay dude, if you're going to keep on shouting treasonous shit like that where everybody can hear, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my ship. I can't be associated with that kind of stuff.
And so Davos leaves. Where does he head? Right to the castle of Dragonstone...
Davos: ...TO KILL MELISANDRE!
Castle Guard: Excuse me. What did you say?
Davos: Uh... I said, "Excuse me, I'm here to see King Stannis."
Castle Guard: Did you? Because it sounded like you just shouted "To kill Melisande!"
Davos: You must have misheard. Anyway, can I come in to the Stone Drum to visit the King?
Castle Guard: Why should we let you?
Davos: Because I am Davos Seaworth, Stannis's trusted advisor!
Castle Guard: Never heard of you.
Davos: What? Really? I'm kind of a big deal. Are you new on the job or something?
Castle Guard: Yeah. Everyone here is new on the job. All of Stannis's men got killed in the battle or defected. So it's like a whole new team here now.
Davos: Oh. Well. Still, I want to be let in. You should ask around. Find someone who knows who I am.
Castle Guard: Ugh. Okay. If you insist. Wait in the fucking lobby and I'll try to find someone.
The Guard goes off and Stannis waits in the Lobby, reading a People Magazine.
Davos: Hrm. "Who Will Be Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's (Adorable!) Page Boys and Bridesmaids?" Oh... I have got to read this. I love these royal wedding stories!
As he waits in the lobby and reads his magazine, Shireen and Patchface run into the room.
Shireen: UNCLE DAVOS!
Davos: Well, I'm not your Uncle, but I guess it's cool that you call me that. Now where is MELISANDRE SO THAT I CAN KILL HER?
Patchface: Fool's blood. King's blood, blood on the maiden's thigh, but chains for the guests and chains for the bridegroom, aye, aye, aye!
Davos: Dude, nobody likes you and your eerily prophetic riddles, Patchface. Go away.
Then, another idiot comes running into the room. This kid is so stupid that he runs right into Davos, and almost knocks himself out.
Davos: Who the hell is this moron?
Kid Who Looks Just Like Robert Baratheon: Oh, sorry sir. I'm--
Davos: --Edric Storm?
Edric: Yeah! How did you guess?
Davos: I mean it's pretty obvious. You look just like your dad.
Edric: Yeah. King Robert was the bestest dad ever! I mean... at least he was the one day of the year he would come around to say hi. But that one day every year was great! He'd help train me! He was going to raise me to be a great soldier, just like him!
Davos: Yeah, well. He's dead now.
Edric: You're that Davos guy, right? I heard all about you. Let me see that fucked up hand of yours. I heard Stannis cut all your fingers off!
Davos: Uh. Sure.
Davos takes off his glove and shows Edric his severed fingers.
Edric: GROSSSSSSSS! That's so nasty. Uncle Stannis is one sick fuck, huh? My dad would have never done something like that to you.
Just then, the Castle Guard comes back in.
Castle Guard: Hey dude, I found this guy. Maybe he can say you are who you say you are.
And into the room walks Ser Axell Florent.
Axell: Well, well, well. Davos fucking Seaworth survived. I guess turds really do float.
Davos: Nice to see you too, dick. So, have you come to take me to the King?
Axell: The King? Hahahaha, no. I've come to take you to the dungeon.
Davos: WHAT? WHY?
Axell: For your plot... to KILL LADY MELISANDRE!
Davos: WHAT?! OH NO! HOW DID HE FIGURE OUT MY SECRET PLOT TO KILL LADY MELISANDRE.
Axell: Dude, you keep shouting about it to everyone on this fucking island. It's not that secret.
Davos: Oh right.
Captain: Shut up, and stop talking to the audience. You're being silly.
The ship that saved Davos Seaworth pulls up to Dragonstone. But all Davos can think of is one thing...
Davos: --I MUST KILL MELISANDRE!
Customs Officer Standing Around in the Port: Wait, what did you just say?
Davos: Uhhh... nothing.
Customs Officer: Oh, okay. Carry on then. Welcome to Dragonstone.
Davos: *cough*
Customs Officer: Eww.
Davos: Sorry. I got sick, what with being lost out at sea all those days/weeks. I'm fighting off a pretty bad infection. I can barely keep the food up. I was vomiting that whole ship ride long. Although part of that was because the food was so rich. Yeah man, that was some boat ride. The Captain told me all about what I missed after I fell overboard. Stannis being defeated. The rumors that Renly's ghost joined the battle. A whole bunch of Stannis's supporters flipping sides at the end of the battle and aligning with Joffrey. It was quite the--
Customs Officer: --Okay man, we don't need your life story. Keep on walking.
As he walks through the harbor, he looks in hope for the ships of his sons, Allard and Dale. But they are nowhere to be found. Meaning that those kids of his have probably burned to death.
Davos: *sigh*
Davos then runs into the ship belonging to an old buddy...
Salladhor Saan: OH SHIT! DAVOS! You're still alive?
Davos: Yep, you can't keep a man like me down. I'm invinc--*COUGH*COUGH*COUGH*
Saan: Hrm, doesn't sound like you're alive for much longer though.
Davos: Yeah. I've got the flux.
Saan: Flux. What is that? I thought that was what they called women's periods in the middle ages.
Davos: Gross. But yeah, it's not that different than that. Except with blood leaking out of my asshole instead. And blood mixed in my puke. A LOT of blood.
Saan: Okay, too much information. Please, come into my ship's cabin and have some food and wine. Maybe that will make you feel better again.
Davos: I'll probably just puke it up again. But I guess maybe some hot wine will be good for my throat.
They go into Saan's ship and Davos has some hot wine.
Davos: Mmm, this is some good wine.
Saan: Damn right it is. From Essos. I stole all this stuff from some guy name Illyrio Mopatis. The ship. The wine. The food. Everything. I just jacked his ship and seized it.
Davos: Interesting that you just randomly name-dropped that guy now that he's just been mentioned in another chapter. Cool. *cough*
Saan: So tell me, man. How the hell are you still even alive?
Davos: Well, it's a long story. I washed out to see onto a rock.
Saan: And then?
Davos: I got rescued.
Saan: Oh. That story wasn't long at all.
Davos: Hrm, I suppose you're right. It was really long in real life. But I guess summarizing it doesn't take that long.
Saan: Well, I'm glad to have you back. You should join the crew of one of my ships and we can sail the world, getting pussy and stealing from people. HELL YEAH, LET'S BE PIRATES!
Davos: Tempting offer, Salladhor. But I am loyal to Stannis and serve him. I must go to him now and let him know I'm alive.
Saan: Good luck with that shit. He doesn't see anyone anymore. As soon as he got back here to Blackwater he locked himself up in his room and won't see anyone. Well, except for that Red Witch. It's just those two doing crazy shit together. There are rumors that they go down into the lava pits of the mountain together.
Davos: MELISANDRE! I MUST KILL HER!!!!! THIS IS ALL HER FAULT!
Saan: Dude. Don't say that so loud. There are people around. Queen's Men. Spies.
Davos: The only reason I am alive is because the gods saved me... saved me to live another day and KILL THE RED WITCH!
Saan: Okay dude, if you're going to keep on shouting treasonous shit like that where everybody can hear, I'm going to have to ask you to leave my ship. I can't be associated with that kind of stuff.
And so Davos leaves. Where does he head? Right to the castle of Dragonstone...
Davos: ...TO KILL MELISANDRE!
Castle Guard: Excuse me. What did you say?
Davos: Uh... I said, "Excuse me, I'm here to see King Stannis."
Castle Guard: Did you? Because it sounded like you just shouted "To kill Melisande!"
Davos: You must have misheard. Anyway, can I come in to the Stone Drum to visit the King?
Castle Guard: Why should we let you?
Davos: Because I am Davos Seaworth, Stannis's trusted advisor!
Castle Guard: Never heard of you.
Davos: What? Really? I'm kind of a big deal. Are you new on the job or something?
Castle Guard: Yeah. Everyone here is new on the job. All of Stannis's men got killed in the battle or defected. So it's like a whole new team here now.
Davos: Oh. Well. Still, I want to be let in. You should ask around. Find someone who knows who I am.
Castle Guard: Ugh. Okay. If you insist. Wait in the fucking lobby and I'll try to find someone.
The Guard goes off and Stannis waits in the Lobby, reading a People Magazine.
Davos: Hrm. "Who Will Be Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's (Adorable!) Page Boys and Bridesmaids?" Oh... I have got to read this. I love these royal wedding stories!
As he waits in the lobby and reads his magazine, Shireen and Patchface run into the room.
Shireen: UNCLE DAVOS!
Davos: Well, I'm not your Uncle, but I guess it's cool that you call me that. Now where is MELISANDRE SO THAT I CAN KILL HER?
Patchface: Fool's blood. King's blood, blood on the maiden's thigh, but chains for the guests and chains for the bridegroom, aye, aye, aye!
Davos: Dude, nobody likes you and your eerily prophetic riddles, Patchface. Go away.
Then, another idiot comes running into the room. This kid is so stupid that he runs right into Davos, and almost knocks himself out.
Davos: Who the hell is this moron?
Kid Who Looks Just Like Robert Baratheon: Oh, sorry sir. I'm--
Davos: --Edric Storm?
Edric: Yeah! How did you guess?
Davos: I mean it's pretty obvious. You look just like your dad.
Edric: Yeah. King Robert was the bestest dad ever! I mean... at least he was the one day of the year he would come around to say hi. But that one day every year was great! He'd help train me! He was going to raise me to be a great soldier, just like him!
Davos: Yeah, well. He's dead now.
Edric: You're that Davos guy, right? I heard all about you. Let me see that fucked up hand of yours. I heard Stannis cut all your fingers off!
Davos: Uh. Sure.
Davos takes off his glove and shows Edric his severed fingers.
Edric: GROSSSSSSSS! That's so nasty. Uncle Stannis is one sick fuck, huh? My dad would have never done something like that to you.
Just then, the Castle Guard comes back in.
Castle Guard: Hey dude, I found this guy. Maybe he can say you are who you say you are.
And into the room walks Ser Axell Florent.
Axell: Well, well, well. Davos fucking Seaworth survived. I guess turds really do float.
Davos: Nice to see you too, dick. So, have you come to take me to the King?
Axell: The King? Hahahaha, no. I've come to take you to the dungeon.
Davos: WHAT? WHY?
Axell: For your plot... to KILL LADY MELISANDRE!
Davos: WHAT?! OH NO! HOW DID HE FIGURE OUT MY SECRET PLOT TO KILL LADY MELISANDRE.
Axell: Dude, you keep shouting about it to everyone on this fucking island. It's not that secret.
Davos: Oh right.
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