Jaime Lannister: That's right, bitches. It's book three and I've been upgraded from "that seemingly supporting character who threw Bran out the window" to full-on "Recurring POV Main Character." Everybody is going to have to just deal with it. Either by still hating me or by slowly allowing me to build up a dedicated fan base who thinks I'm the best character.
Brienne of Tarth: SHUT UP, JAIME!
She smacks him in the back of the head. He can't do anything about it, because he's chained up.
Jaime, Brienne and Ser Cleos Frey float down a boat on the Red Fork River. Jaime has escaped his long captivity at Riverrun, via Cat Stark releasing him as part of a deal to try to free her daughters from Cersei.
Yeah. That's how we're resolving that cliffhanger. Remember it? Cat lifted up her sword to Jaime as if she was about to kill him? Well, she didn't. She let him go.
Jaime: Look wench, if you would just release these chains I could help you paddle the boat and everything.
Brienne: My name is not wench, it's Brienne. And I can't trust you, Kingslayer.
Jaime: Oh great. More with this "Kingslayer" shit, huh?
Brienne: Shut up, monster.
Jaime: Monster? Where the fuck did THAT come from? Especially coming from some wench that looks like a cow cosplaying as Joan of Arc.
Brienne: What else do you call a man who violates his own sister, murders his king, and tosses an innocent boy out of a window?
Jaime: Okay, FIRST... I'm not violating Cersei. That whole thing is totally consensual. Except for that one time on the TV show, but I'd rather not talk about that. SECOND... the king was a brutal murderer and tyrant. THIRD... innocent? INNOCENT? That Bran kid? All I was trying to do was get twenty minutes alone with my lady and this little creeper comes in and spies on us. Gross. If you ask me, he deserved that shit.
Cleos: Twenty minutes, huh?
Jaime: Well, more like seven minutes if you know what I mean. Hahaha! Give me a five, Cleos! Who cares if the lady has an orgasm, right? Bros before hos!
Cleos: I can't high five you. You're chained up.
Jaime: Oh. Right.
And so the boat continues down the river. Jaime contemplates life. He made those oaths to Cat Stark. But do oaths count when you're shitfaced drunk and chained up in a dungeon? Probably not. Still, Cat Stark likely hoped that Tyrion would be decent enough to live up to the oaths if not him. Jaime also thinks more about the Bran thing. Especially the catspaw assassin sent to kill Bran. Jaime had nothing to do with that. Did Cersei? Nah, probably not. She wouldn't have sent a clumsy assassin. She would have just told him to finish the job.
As Jaime thinks, she stares at his reflection in the river.
Jaime: Hey! Hey! You know that even though Lady Stark freed me, we're probably going to be in a lot of trouble if we get caught. And I'm super famous and handsome. Everybody knows me as having super amazing blonde hair and a clean-shaven face. But I've grown out this huge beard while I was in prison. If we shave off my head, I'll look NOTHING LIKE Jaime Lannister. And then we can more easily make our getaway!
Cleos: Yeah, sure. I mean I guess that makes sense.
So Cleos helps Jaime shave off his head. He looks at himself again in the river reflection, almost unable to recognize himself.
Jaime: Almost. I mean if I just wasn't still so goddamn sexy, I wouldn't be able to tell. Plus I look less like Cersei when I'm like this. She'll probably hate that, hehehe.
Cleos: Dude, gross. We all know you fuck your sister and that you and your sister look very similar. We don't need you to specifically call out the fact that one of the reasons you enjoy having sex with one another is because you look like each other and it's like having sex with yourself. That's just NOT necessary. As your cousin, I got to be honest with you about these kinds of things.
Just then, Brienne steers the boat to a shore and grounds it.
Jaime: WTF?
Brienne: There! Look. Three women, hanging from a tree.
Jaime: Yep. They're dead. That sucks for them. What does it have to do with us and why are we stopping in the middle of a warzone?
Brienne: We must cut them down and give them proper burials. It's the honorable thing to do.
Jaime: Or we could... you know... NOT DO THAT. And just keep going.
Brienne: Nope. We're stopping. You filthy Lannister scum go around murdering all the innocent people in the country side. Someone has to be respectful.
As they approach, they see a note pinned up by the murdered women. Brienne reads it.
Brienne is in disbelief. Mainly because she's a fucking simpleton who doesn't understand how the world works and has insane, unrealistic ideas of "good" and "evil" that don't line up with the fact that atrocities are generally committed by all sides in war.
Jaime: Well. At least I'm not going to help dig any holes. Because, you know, the chains and everything.
But no hole digging occurs at all. In the distance, another boat appears on the river.
Cleos: Shit. We gotta get out of here.
Jaime: No kidding. If it's a Lannister boat... they'll probably kill us. If it's a Stark boat... they'll probably kill us. NOW! Let's go! Let's go, people!
And so they hop back on the boat and try to escape. But the other boat is just too fast and soon comes up on them.
Ser Robin Ryger: HALT THERE! I am Ser Robin Ryger, sent by Edmure Tully to return the Kingslayer to Riverrun! I demand your surrender at once!
Jaime: What? Kingslayer? There is no Kingslayer here! You must be thinking of someone else. Look, I have a bald head and a beard. That Kingslayer guy has a clean-shaven face and beautiful, locks of golden hair like a goddess.
Ryder: Dude, I know it's you. Stop. I recognize the other two people in the boat too. How many 6'5" brickhouse women dressed up as knights do you think there are in the Seven Kingdoms? One. Just one. Brienne of Tarth and she's right there. And Cleos Frey... I clearly recognize you too. In the last book it was me who brought you to the Great Hall of Riverrun to hear Robb Stark's terms for your release and peace between the King in the North and House Baratheon.
Cleos: Oh wow, was that you? Because when the writer of this blog wrote up Chapter 7 of A Clash of Kings, he didn't think you were an important enough character to mention and just left you out.
Ryger: GRRR! I'm important, damnit! Surrender the Kingslayer now or we will attack you!
Brienne then jumps out of the boat and climbs up a nearby cliff.
Ryger: WTF did Tarzan Lady just do that for?
Jaime: I dunno. She's probably running away like a little scared bitch. What you SHOULD BE ASKING YOURSELF is whether or not you can go toe-to-toe with Jaime Lannister? I challenge you to a dual, man! Just take these manacles off me and we can fight like men.
Ryger: What? No. Why would I do that?
Jaime: I mean, you probably wouldn't. I'm just trying to distract you.
Ryger: Distract me from what?
Brienne stands on top of the cliff and throws a giant boulder into Ser Ryger's boat. The men on the boat run out of the way. The boulder creates a giant hole in the ship, and it sinks right down to the bottom of the river.
Ryger: GRRRR! You haven't seen the last of Ser Robin Ryger! I swear that to you, Kingslayer!
Jaime: I believe you! You'll probably be one of the forces that has to surrender Riverrun to me in the future, and you'll volunteer to take up the black.
Ryger: Say what now?
Brienne dives into the river and swims back to the boat. For a minute, Jaime thinks of trying to grab an oar and smashing her head in with it. But he just shrugs and lets her hop back on the boat. They sail away.
Jaime: Hahaha, that was the best. Horray for teamwork. Give me a high five!
Brienne: I can't give you a high five. You're in chains.
Jaime: Oh. Right.
Brienne of Tarth: SHUT UP, JAIME!
She smacks him in the back of the head. He can't do anything about it, because he's chained up.
Jaime, Brienne and Ser Cleos Frey float down a boat on the Red Fork River. Jaime has escaped his long captivity at Riverrun, via Cat Stark releasing him as part of a deal to try to free her daughters from Cersei.
Yeah. That's how we're resolving that cliffhanger. Remember it? Cat lifted up her sword to Jaime as if she was about to kill him? Well, she didn't. She let him go.
Jaime: Look wench, if you would just release these chains I could help you paddle the boat and everything.
Brienne: My name is not wench, it's Brienne. And I can't trust you, Kingslayer.
Jaime: Oh great. More with this "Kingslayer" shit, huh?
Brienne: Shut up, monster.
Jaime: Monster? Where the fuck did THAT come from? Especially coming from some wench that looks like a cow cosplaying as Joan of Arc.
Brienne: What else do you call a man who violates his own sister, murders his king, and tosses an innocent boy out of a window?
Jaime: Okay, FIRST... I'm not violating Cersei. That whole thing is totally consensual. Except for that one time on the TV show, but I'd rather not talk about that. SECOND... the king was a brutal murderer and tyrant. THIRD... innocent? INNOCENT? That Bran kid? All I was trying to do was get twenty minutes alone with my lady and this little creeper comes in and spies on us. Gross. If you ask me, he deserved that shit.
Cleos: Twenty minutes, huh?
Jaime: Well, more like seven minutes if you know what I mean. Hahaha! Give me a five, Cleos! Who cares if the lady has an orgasm, right? Bros before hos!
Cleos: I can't high five you. You're chained up.
Jaime: Oh. Right.
And so the boat continues down the river. Jaime contemplates life. He made those oaths to Cat Stark. But do oaths count when you're shitfaced drunk and chained up in a dungeon? Probably not. Still, Cat Stark likely hoped that Tyrion would be decent enough to live up to the oaths if not him. Jaime also thinks more about the Bran thing. Especially the catspaw assassin sent to kill Bran. Jaime had nothing to do with that. Did Cersei? Nah, probably not. She wouldn't have sent a clumsy assassin. She would have just told him to finish the job.
As Jaime thinks, she stares at his reflection in the river.
Jaime: Hey! Hey! You know that even though Lady Stark freed me, we're probably going to be in a lot of trouble if we get caught. And I'm super famous and handsome. Everybody knows me as having super amazing blonde hair and a clean-shaven face. But I've grown out this huge beard while I was in prison. If we shave off my head, I'll look NOTHING LIKE Jaime Lannister. And then we can more easily make our getaway!
Cleos: Yeah, sure. I mean I guess that makes sense.
So Cleos helps Jaime shave off his head. He looks at himself again in the river reflection, almost unable to recognize himself.
Jaime: Almost. I mean if I just wasn't still so goddamn sexy, I wouldn't be able to tell. Plus I look less like Cersei when I'm like this. She'll probably hate that, hehehe.
Cleos: Dude, gross. We all know you fuck your sister and that you and your sister look very similar. We don't need you to specifically call out the fact that one of the reasons you enjoy having sex with one another is because you look like each other and it's like having sex with yourself. That's just NOT necessary. As your cousin, I got to be honest with you about these kinds of things.
Just then, Brienne steers the boat to a shore and grounds it.
Jaime: WTF?
Brienne: There! Look. Three women, hanging from a tree.
Jaime: Yep. They're dead. That sucks for them. What does it have to do with us and why are we stopping in the middle of a warzone?
Brienne: We must cut them down and give them proper burials. It's the honorable thing to do.
Jaime: Or we could... you know... NOT DO THAT. And just keep going.
Brienne: Nope. We're stopping. You filthy Lannister scum go around murdering all the innocent people in the country side. Someone has to be respectful.
As they approach, they see a note pinned up by the murdered women. Brienne reads it.
This is a warning to all stupid whores who service Lannister men... you will die! LOLZ! Sincerely, Team Bolton.Jaime: OH WELL LOOK AT THAT! Do you know who murdered these women? Why it looks like it was YOUR SIDE that did that. Not mine.
Brienne is in disbelief. Mainly because she's a fucking simpleton who doesn't understand how the world works and has insane, unrealistic ideas of "good" and "evil" that don't line up with the fact that atrocities are generally committed by all sides in war.
Jaime: Well. At least I'm not going to help dig any holes. Because, you know, the chains and everything.
But no hole digging occurs at all. In the distance, another boat appears on the river.
Cleos: Shit. We gotta get out of here.
Jaime: No kidding. If it's a Lannister boat... they'll probably kill us. If it's a Stark boat... they'll probably kill us. NOW! Let's go! Let's go, people!
And so they hop back on the boat and try to escape. But the other boat is just too fast and soon comes up on them.
Ser Robin Ryger: HALT THERE! I am Ser Robin Ryger, sent by Edmure Tully to return the Kingslayer to Riverrun! I demand your surrender at once!
Jaime: What? Kingslayer? There is no Kingslayer here! You must be thinking of someone else. Look, I have a bald head and a beard. That Kingslayer guy has a clean-shaven face and beautiful, locks of golden hair like a goddess.
Ryder: Dude, I know it's you. Stop. I recognize the other two people in the boat too. How many 6'5" brickhouse women dressed up as knights do you think there are in the Seven Kingdoms? One. Just one. Brienne of Tarth and she's right there. And Cleos Frey... I clearly recognize you too. In the last book it was me who brought you to the Great Hall of Riverrun to hear Robb Stark's terms for your release and peace between the King in the North and House Baratheon.
Cleos: Oh wow, was that you? Because when the writer of this blog wrote up Chapter 7 of A Clash of Kings, he didn't think you were an important enough character to mention and just left you out.
Ryger: GRRR! I'm important, damnit! Surrender the Kingslayer now or we will attack you!
Brienne then jumps out of the boat and climbs up a nearby cliff.
Ryger: WTF did Tarzan Lady just do that for?
Jaime: I dunno. She's probably running away like a little scared bitch. What you SHOULD BE ASKING YOURSELF is whether or not you can go toe-to-toe with Jaime Lannister? I challenge you to a dual, man! Just take these manacles off me and we can fight like men.
Ryger: What? No. Why would I do that?
Jaime: I mean, you probably wouldn't. I'm just trying to distract you.
Ryger: Distract me from what?
Brienne stands on top of the cliff and throws a giant boulder into Ser Ryger's boat. The men on the boat run out of the way. The boulder creates a giant hole in the ship, and it sinks right down to the bottom of the river.
Ryger: GRRRR! You haven't seen the last of Ser Robin Ryger! I swear that to you, Kingslayer!
Jaime: I believe you! You'll probably be one of the forces that has to surrender Riverrun to me in the future, and you'll volunteer to take up the black.
Ryger: Say what now?
Brienne dives into the river and swims back to the boat. For a minute, Jaime thinks of trying to grab an oar and smashing her head in with it. But he just shrugs and lets her hop back on the boat. They sail away.
Jaime: Hahaha, that was the best. Horray for teamwork. Give me a high five!
Brienne: I can't give you a high five. You're in chains.
Jaime: Oh. Right.
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