Sansa: Oh wow, I got an invitation to dine with Margaery Tyrell. But should I accept it? Can I trust these Tyrells? Why would this woman who is taking my place as Joffrey’s bethrothed want to dine with a traitor’s daughter like me? Is it really from Margaery? Or is this some plot by Joffrey to further humiliate me? If only the Hound were still here, he could protect me. And/or almost rape me. You know. Life for women is sort of terrible, fickle and unpredictable for women in medieval societies.
After thinking about it, Sansa figures she’s probably not allowed to refuse the offer anyway. Margaery is going to be the queen after all. Can you refuse an invitation from a queen? She accepts the invitation and sends the letter back.
When the day comes to meet Margaery, it is Loras Tyrell who knocks on the door to escort her on the way over.
Sansa opens the door and sees him.
Sansa: Damn boy. You still look good. *licks lips*
Loras: Creepy.
Sansa: Sorry. I don’t know how to speak properly around guys when we both have unrelenting sexual tension between one another, if you know what I mean. *winks*
Loras: I’m sorry… have we met before?
Sansa: Hahaha, oh… you kidder, you! Always so funny, Loras!
Loras: …
Sansa: Anyway, will you be joining me for the dinner with Margaery? Maybe we can play footsie under the table.
Loras: No. But my grandma, Olenna, will be joining you.
Sansa: Oh yeah… The Queen of Thorns!
Loras: Yikes. You know, typically people don’t call my grandma that derogatory nickname in front of my face.
Sansa: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I warned you! I told you I get so tongue tied when I’m around you. I didn’t mean any offense.
Loras: Again… who the hell are you?
Sansa: COME ON, LORAS! You know me! Remember that there was that Tournament in celebration of my father when he became the Hand of the King? You fought Ser Robar Royce! And you won your battle and came to the crowd and handed me a red flower, telling me how beautiful I was.
Loras’s face immediately turns white.
Sansa: What? Do you not remember that? REALLY?
Loras: Uhm… well… thanks for bringing up Robar. You know I MURDERED HIM IN A FIT OF RAGE a few months ago, right? When he failed to protect Renly from being killed.
Sansa: Oh. My bad. Looks like I brought up a sore topic. I didn’t mean to! I just wanted to remind you of that time you told me how beautiful I was. Because how much you really are sexually interested in women, especially me.
Loras: Yes. Riiiiiight. Sexually interested in women. That’s me. Loras Tyrell. Attracted to women. Say… I got a fun game we can play together. How about for the rest of our walk to Margaery you SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
And so they walk in silence the rest of the way.
Loras drops Sansa off when they get there, and Margaery greets her with kindness.
Margaery: Sansa! What a pleasure it is to meet you! I hope we can become best friends! Just like sisters! Here, I’d like to introduce you to all these other characters!
And Margaery introduces Sansa to all these other characters. But none of them are important, so I’m not going to bother to mention them. Except for…
Lady Olenna: WHAT’S UP BITCHES? QUEEN OF THORNS IN DA HOUSE!
Sansa: See? She calls herself the Queen of Thorns. Why do I get in trouble for saying it?
Lady Olenna pushes someone out of their chair and takes their seat, even though there were a number of perfectly good open chairs. Lady Olenna DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
Olenna: Sansa, I’m so sorry for all your losses. Your father. Your brothers. So sad.
Sansa: Yes. And, uhm… I guess my condolences for Renly.
Olenna: Renly? Hahaha! Fuck that loser! He thought just because he dressed well that he could be a King!
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER! I was married to him. And Loras was very close to him. You should be a little nicer.
Olenna: Loras was close to him, huh? NOW THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT IF I EVER HEARD ONE.
Margaery: Father liked Renly too, grandma.
Olenna: Well, your father is an idiot. I wish a giant spoon could magically appear in my hand whenever he appears so that I could beat him in his stupid head with it. Maybe that would knock some sense into him. I honestly should have had an abortion rather than give birth to his dumb ass.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!!
Sansa: Man, I really love this Olenna character.
Olenna: Everyone does, Sansa. Everyone does. Anyway, Renly’s claim to the throne was ludicrous. Robert had two sons and a brother in the line ahead of him. Although to be honest, the Tyrell family’s own claim to Highgarden is itself pretty dubious. It belonged to House Gardener until Aegon’s Conquest. But when Aegon’s dragons burned the last of the Gardeners to dust… well… that ended that. Anyway, my dumbass son was pretty quick to jump onto team Renly despite that ludicrous claim. All he thought about was Renly putting his dick into Margaery here and getting some grandsons out of it that would one day sit on the Iron Throne.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!!
Olenna: Now where is my squire? SQUIRE! SQUIRE!
Butterbumps: Yes, Lady. I’m here.
Olenna: Wow. Your name is Butterbumps? That’s terrible. Anyway, play some loud music, sing some loud songs, and dance around like a moron so that you can distract everyone else. I need to have a private conversation with Sansa here.
Butterbumps: Sure thing.
The jester goes off and does that. Everyone else watches the show while Olenna and Margaery crowd in closer to Sansa.
Olenna: Okay, now that any spies that are around can’t hear us… tell us about Joffrey, Sansa.
Sansa: Uhhhm… I… uhh…
Margaery: Go on! You can tell the truth.
Sansa is worried though. She feared a trap before. Is this the trap?
Sansa: Joffrey is… uhm… handsome and brave.
Olenna: Oh, don’t give that shit to me. I know when someone is lying. You can be frank with me.
Sansa: Okay. Hello, I’m Frank.
Olenna: Hahaha, good one. But fuck you. Look, I’m being honest with you. You can be honest with me. Is Joffrey kind? Will he treat my daughter well? No harm will come to you if you tell the truth.
Sansa: Joffrey is… is… is… A FUCKING MONSTER. He had his knights beat me all the time. He promised me that he would spare my father’s life and then made me watch as he was executed. He made me look at his severed head on a pike.
Olenna: Ah. Well, that’s a pity. But I can’t say that I haven’t heard rumors confirming the same.
Sansa: Please, please don’t call off the wedding!
Olenna: Oh. There is no way that my idiot son Mace will do that. He still sees his chance to get some kingly baby batter shot up into Margaery’s twat. Doesn't matter which king. He probably doesn’t even care if she gets beat, so long as he is grandfather to a King.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!! I’m right here! Stop talking about men inseminating me.
Olenna: Please, girl. I was a wild woman back in my day. Just because I’m a grandmother now doesn’t mean that I don’t know about sex. I had trains run on me left and right and I loved every minute of it.
Margaery: Ugh… gross, gross, gross! Must burn this out of my mind! ANYWAY… changing the subject… Sansa… how would you like to visit Highgarden?
Sansa: Ooooh! That would be lovely! But the Queen will never let me.
Olenna: The queen will if the Tyrells ask it of her. And that way, we can see you safely wed to my grandson.
Sansa: Wait… WHAT?
Olenna: Yeah. We got to get you out of this shithole, King’s Landing. We’re going to whisk you away to the safety and protection of Highgarden. And when you’re there, you can marry my grandson. That will keep you protected from the wrath of Joffrey.
Sansa: You mean I get to marry… LORAS?!
Sansa’s eyes are replaced with hearts like in that emoji. She starts to float up in the heavens, imagining her beautiful future husband, the Knight of Flowers.
Olenna: Hahaha… Loras? No! You crazy girl. Remember? Loras joined the Kingsguard. That means he may never wed. Besides, he’s not even the oldest son and heir to Highgarden. That’s Willas.
Sansa: Oh. Who is Willas? Have I met him? Has he been in these books before?
Olenna: Look, I’m going to be honest with you. He’s a cripple. Which means that you’re going to have to be on top of him for all the copulation. Ridin’ Cowgirl.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!! Stop talking about your grandchildren having sex.
Olenna: WHAT? You’re such a prude, Margaery. Anyway, Willas has a good heart though.
Sansa: I… I don’t know… I mean… I…
Sansa is hesitant. Why are these Tyrells (who she just met) being kind to her? Why do they want to help her out? Do they have some ulterior motive?
Olenna: Well, you have some time to think about it. As soon as Joffrey and Margery’s wedding is over, I intend to leave back to Highgarden. And I hope you come with me, Sansa.
After thinking about it, Sansa figures she’s probably not allowed to refuse the offer anyway. Margaery is going to be the queen after all. Can you refuse an invitation from a queen? She accepts the invitation and sends the letter back.
When the day comes to meet Margaery, it is Loras Tyrell who knocks on the door to escort her on the way over.
Sansa opens the door and sees him.
Sansa: Damn boy. You still look good. *licks lips*
Loras: Creepy.
Sansa: Sorry. I don’t know how to speak properly around guys when we both have unrelenting sexual tension between one another, if you know what I mean. *winks*
Loras: I’m sorry… have we met before?
Sansa: Hahaha, oh… you kidder, you! Always so funny, Loras!
Loras: …
Sansa: Anyway, will you be joining me for the dinner with Margaery? Maybe we can play footsie under the table.
Loras: No. But my grandma, Olenna, will be joining you.
Sansa: Oh yeah… The Queen of Thorns!
Loras: Yikes. You know, typically people don’t call my grandma that derogatory nickname in front of my face.
Sansa: Sorry! Sorry! Sorry! I warned you! I told you I get so tongue tied when I’m around you. I didn’t mean any offense.
Loras: Again… who the hell are you?
Sansa: COME ON, LORAS! You know me! Remember that there was that Tournament in celebration of my father when he became the Hand of the King? You fought Ser Robar Royce! And you won your battle and came to the crowd and handed me a red flower, telling me how beautiful I was.
Loras’s face immediately turns white.
Sansa: What? Do you not remember that? REALLY?
Loras: Uhm… well… thanks for bringing up Robar. You know I MURDERED HIM IN A FIT OF RAGE a few months ago, right? When he failed to protect Renly from being killed.
Sansa: Oh. My bad. Looks like I brought up a sore topic. I didn’t mean to! I just wanted to remind you of that time you told me how beautiful I was. Because how much you really are sexually interested in women, especially me.
Loras: Yes. Riiiiiight. Sexually interested in women. That’s me. Loras Tyrell. Attracted to women. Say… I got a fun game we can play together. How about for the rest of our walk to Margaery you SHUT THE FUCK UP AND DON’T SAY ANOTHER WORD.
And so they walk in silence the rest of the way.
Loras drops Sansa off when they get there, and Margaery greets her with kindness.
Margaery: Sansa! What a pleasure it is to meet you! I hope we can become best friends! Just like sisters! Here, I’d like to introduce you to all these other characters!
And Margaery introduces Sansa to all these other characters. But none of them are important, so I’m not going to bother to mention them. Except for…
Lady Olenna: WHAT’S UP BITCHES? QUEEN OF THORNS IN DA HOUSE!
Sansa: See? She calls herself the Queen of Thorns. Why do I get in trouble for saying it?
Lady Olenna pushes someone out of their chair and takes their seat, even though there were a number of perfectly good open chairs. Lady Olenna DON’T GIVE A FUCK.
Olenna: Sansa, I’m so sorry for all your losses. Your father. Your brothers. So sad.
Sansa: Yes. And, uhm… I guess my condolences for Renly.
Olenna: Renly? Hahaha! Fuck that loser! He thought just because he dressed well that he could be a King!
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER! I was married to him. And Loras was very close to him. You should be a little nicer.
Olenna: Loras was close to him, huh? NOW THAT’S AN UNDERSTATEMENT IF I EVER HEARD ONE.
Margaery: Father liked Renly too, grandma.
Olenna: Well, your father is an idiot. I wish a giant spoon could magically appear in my hand whenever he appears so that I could beat him in his stupid head with it. Maybe that would knock some sense into him. I honestly should have had an abortion rather than give birth to his dumb ass.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!!
Sansa: Man, I really love this Olenna character.
Olenna: Everyone does, Sansa. Everyone does. Anyway, Renly’s claim to the throne was ludicrous. Robert had two sons and a brother in the line ahead of him. Although to be honest, the Tyrell family’s own claim to Highgarden is itself pretty dubious. It belonged to House Gardener until Aegon’s Conquest. But when Aegon’s dragons burned the last of the Gardeners to dust… well… that ended that. Anyway, my dumbass son was pretty quick to jump onto team Renly despite that ludicrous claim. All he thought about was Renly putting his dick into Margaery here and getting some grandsons out of it that would one day sit on the Iron Throne.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!!
Olenna: Now where is my squire? SQUIRE! SQUIRE!
Butterbumps: Yes, Lady. I’m here.
Olenna: Wow. Your name is Butterbumps? That’s terrible. Anyway, play some loud music, sing some loud songs, and dance around like a moron so that you can distract everyone else. I need to have a private conversation with Sansa here.
Butterbumps: Sure thing.
The jester goes off and does that. Everyone else watches the show while Olenna and Margaery crowd in closer to Sansa.
Olenna: Okay, now that any spies that are around can’t hear us… tell us about Joffrey, Sansa.
Sansa: Uhhhm… I… uhh…
Margaery: Go on! You can tell the truth.
Sansa is worried though. She feared a trap before. Is this the trap?
Sansa: Joffrey is… uhm… handsome and brave.
Olenna: Oh, don’t give that shit to me. I know when someone is lying. You can be frank with me.
Sansa: Okay. Hello, I’m Frank.
Olenna: Hahaha, good one. But fuck you. Look, I’m being honest with you. You can be honest with me. Is Joffrey kind? Will he treat my daughter well? No harm will come to you if you tell the truth.
Sansa: Joffrey is… is… is… A FUCKING MONSTER. He had his knights beat me all the time. He promised me that he would spare my father’s life and then made me watch as he was executed. He made me look at his severed head on a pike.
Olenna: Ah. Well, that’s a pity. But I can’t say that I haven’t heard rumors confirming the same.
Sansa: Please, please don’t call off the wedding!
Olenna: Oh. There is no way that my idiot son Mace will do that. He still sees his chance to get some kingly baby batter shot up into Margaery’s twat. Doesn't matter which king. He probably doesn’t even care if she gets beat, so long as he is grandfather to a King.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!! I’m right here! Stop talking about men inseminating me.
Olenna: Please, girl. I was a wild woman back in my day. Just because I’m a grandmother now doesn’t mean that I don’t know about sex. I had trains run on me left and right and I loved every minute of it.
Margaery: Ugh… gross, gross, gross! Must burn this out of my mind! ANYWAY… changing the subject… Sansa… how would you like to visit Highgarden?
Sansa: Ooooh! That would be lovely! But the Queen will never let me.
Olenna: The queen will if the Tyrells ask it of her. And that way, we can see you safely wed to my grandson.
Sansa: Wait… WHAT?
Olenna: Yeah. We got to get you out of this shithole, King’s Landing. We’re going to whisk you away to the safety and protection of Highgarden. And when you’re there, you can marry my grandson. That will keep you protected from the wrath of Joffrey.
Sansa: You mean I get to marry… LORAS?!
Sansa’s eyes are replaced with hearts like in that emoji. She starts to float up in the heavens, imagining her beautiful future husband, the Knight of Flowers.
Olenna: Hahaha… Loras? No! You crazy girl. Remember? Loras joined the Kingsguard. That means he may never wed. Besides, he’s not even the oldest son and heir to Highgarden. That’s Willas.
Sansa: Oh. Who is Willas? Have I met him? Has he been in these books before?
Olenna: Look, I’m going to be honest with you. He’s a cripple. Which means that you’re going to have to be on top of him for all the copulation. Ridin’ Cowgirl.
Margaery: GRANDMOTHER!!! Stop talking about your grandchildren having sex.
Olenna: WHAT? You’re such a prude, Margaery. Anyway, Willas has a good heart though.
Sansa: I… I don’t know… I mean… I…
Sansa is hesitant. Why are these Tyrells (who she just met) being kind to her? Why do they want to help her out? Do they have some ulterior motive?
Olenna: Well, you have some time to think about it. As soon as Joffrey and Margery’s wedding is over, I intend to leave back to Highgarden. And I hope you come with me, Sansa.
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