Ser Rodrick Cassel and his army has returned to Winterfell after his voyage south to defend Torrhen's Square and Castle Cerwyn. He stands outside the city walls, prepared to strike.
Maester Luwin: Theon, I beg you to yield to Ser Rodrick.
Theon: What? Yield to that old man? Why?
Luwin: Because his forces vastly outnumber yours. You've lost, Theon. And there has been no word from your father Balon or your uncle. Balon knows that the north will be won or lost by the defense of Moat Cailin. Winterfell means nothing to him.
Theon: Screw you! You want me dead, don't you? You want me to lose!
Luwin: I am bound to Winterfell and whoever rules it. I must serve whoever holds this place. And from the looks of things, Ser Rodrick is about to hold this place. If you do not yield, you can expect no mercy.
Theon: Shut up and get out of my face, old man.
After sending Luwin away, Theon broods. He only has 17 men left. 17! Man. And Cassel has a force of over a thousand men.
Theon: Lorren, get the noose ready!
And so Theon goes out to parlay with Ser Rodrick's forces.
Rodrick spits on his feet.
Rodrick: Well look who it is. It's Mr. Shitty Traitor who betrays the people who raised him and murders children.
Theon: Traitor? I am iron-born, Rodrick! And I was not "raised" by you. I was your prisoner.
Rodrick: I demand you to surrender now. Your men's lives will be spared.
Theon: My men's life? What about my life too?
Rodrick: Not so much.
Theon: Ah, well that's a really bad red-line for a negotiation. You see, in a negotiation each party has to find some sort of compromise where they get a little bit of what they want. They have to find a common ground somewhere. I want to keep on living. Therefore, if any deal you offer to me includes me still dying... I really have no interest in accepting the deal.
Rodrick: Shut up. I'm a great negotiator. And I hold all the cards, so I get to issue the terms.
Theon: No, you're really not. And I think I'm the one who holds all the cards. LORREN!!!!!!
At the top of the castle, Lorren brings Beth Cassel, Ser Rodrick's daughter, up to the noose.
Rodrick: You SONOFABITCH!
Theon: Yeah? See that there? That's called GOOD negotiation. That's called "holding the cards." So here are MY DEMANDS. You and your army turn around and leave by nightfall. If you do not, then your daughter hangs. It will be your fault.
Rodrick: Trade me for her! I'll go up and take her place.
Theon: Nope. She stays up there. And she dies at dusk if you don't back off. And I have a TON of hostages in Winterfell. I'll kill them off one by one. Beth dies first. Then, if you still aren't gone by dawn, another hostage will be hanged. Then the next dusk another dies. And so on. Two a day at every dusk and dawn.
Rodrick: I WILL KILL YOU!
Theon: No, you really won't.
Theon turns his horse and heads back into the castle.
Theon: Well, that was pretty bad-ass of me, but I bet it won't work. Ser Rodrick is the type of guy who will probably attack anyway and let his daughter die to keep his honor.
Luwin: Theon!
Theon: Oh shit. You again? I thought I told you to get lost.
Luwin: It's not too late to save yourself! Take up the Black!
Theon: What?
Luwin: The Night's Watch. Surrender and ask that Ser Rodrick let you take the Black. You'll be able to live the rest of your life serving on the Wall.
Theon: Hrmmmmm. Jon Snow is up there. And while I'm kind of a rival with him, it's not a TERRIBLE idea. It sounds better than dying. Let me think about that for a--
Kromm: --THEON! THEON! Hundreds more troops have arrived! They wave the flag of a bloody, flayed man.
Theon: What?! The Boltons? Huh? How did this happen? When? They were supposed to be down South by Harrenhal. Are they attacking?
Kromm: Yes... they're attacking. But they're attacking SER RODRICK!
Theon: WHAAAAAT?
Kromm: Yeah, they're slaughtering Ser Rodrick's Army.
Theon: That doesn't make any... wait a minute... that Reek guy! He served that Bolton bastard, didn't he? I figured he just ran out on me with no intention to come back. Let me see!
Theon goes up to the wall of Winterfell and watches. He sees the men with the Bolton flags attack the panicking forces of Ser Rodrick Cassel. Although Rodrick's army was larger, it was prepared for a siege of a castle... not for an attack from behind. And they were certainly not prepared to be attacked by people waving the flag of House Bolton, their supposed allies.
In the end, they stand no chance and are totally destroyed. A leader of the Bolton forces, wearing a red helm, rides to to the caste gate and throws down three bodies:
Ser Rodrik (RIP!!!!!), Leobald Tallhart and Cley Cerwyn (nobody cares about these two).
Theon: OH SNAP! You killed Ser Rodrick Cassel? That's insane! I was just talking to him. I figured he'd get better than an off-screen killing.
Red-Helmed Knight: Open the gates!
Theon: Yeah, sure. You just helped us, so that seems like a good idea.
Theon orders the gates opened and heads down from the wall to meet his rescuers. The man with the red helm takes the helm off.
Theon: WOW! Reek, it's you!
Ramsay Snow: HAHAHAHA, No. Reek was the name of my pet. He died dressed up in my clothes. And I took his identity. I am Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Roose Bolton.
Theon: CRAZY! Well, a promise is a promise and you delivered. You wanted to have sex with that Palla girl from the kennel, right? I'll have her summoned at once.
Ramsay: DUDE, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. That was all METHOD ACTING, man. METHOD ACTING. I don't want Palla. That was just my "Reek" character who wanted her. I could really go for the hottest chick left in town, which is probably that hooker Kyra that you keep in your bedchamber.
Theon: What? NO! Kyra is MY GIRL! You're crazy.
Ramsay: Really? How's this for crazy?
Ramsay backhands Theon with his STEEL GAUNTLET and busts Theon's jawbone open. Theon falls to the ground in agony, bleeding from the mouth.
Ramsay: Men, begin the slaughter. But save me the Frey boys. I will need them. Anyone else is fair game.
Luwin: What about m--
Snow's men stab Maester Luwin and he falls to the ground.
Ramsay: As for Winterfell... burn it. BURN IT ALL.
Theon begins to slide into unconsciousness. The last thing he sees before blacking out is the sight of his horse, Smiler, jumping around and screaming on fire
Theon: Ugh... "Horses on Fire"... band name?
Ramsay: Already taken. Ghent-based hard rock band. But they broke up in 2016.
Maester Luwin: Theon, I beg you to yield to Ser Rodrick.
Theon: What? Yield to that old man? Why?
Luwin: Because his forces vastly outnumber yours. You've lost, Theon. And there has been no word from your father Balon or your uncle. Balon knows that the north will be won or lost by the defense of Moat Cailin. Winterfell means nothing to him.
Theon: Screw you! You want me dead, don't you? You want me to lose!
Luwin: I am bound to Winterfell and whoever rules it. I must serve whoever holds this place. And from the looks of things, Ser Rodrick is about to hold this place. If you do not yield, you can expect no mercy.
Theon: Shut up and get out of my face, old man.
After sending Luwin away, Theon broods. He only has 17 men left. 17! Man. And Cassel has a force of over a thousand men.
Theon: Lorren, get the noose ready!
And so Theon goes out to parlay with Ser Rodrick's forces.
Rodrick spits on his feet.
Rodrick: Well look who it is. It's Mr. Shitty Traitor who betrays the people who raised him and murders children.
Theon: Traitor? I am iron-born, Rodrick! And I was not "raised" by you. I was your prisoner.
Rodrick: I demand you to surrender now. Your men's lives will be spared.
Theon: My men's life? What about my life too?
Rodrick: Not so much.
Theon: Ah, well that's a really bad red-line for a negotiation. You see, in a negotiation each party has to find some sort of compromise where they get a little bit of what they want. They have to find a common ground somewhere. I want to keep on living. Therefore, if any deal you offer to me includes me still dying... I really have no interest in accepting the deal.
Rodrick: Shut up. I'm a great negotiator. And I hold all the cards, so I get to issue the terms.
Theon: No, you're really not. And I think I'm the one who holds all the cards. LORREN!!!!!!
At the top of the castle, Lorren brings Beth Cassel, Ser Rodrick's daughter, up to the noose.
Rodrick: You SONOFABITCH!
Theon: Yeah? See that there? That's called GOOD negotiation. That's called "holding the cards." So here are MY DEMANDS. You and your army turn around and leave by nightfall. If you do not, then your daughter hangs. It will be your fault.
Rodrick: Trade me for her! I'll go up and take her place.
Theon: Nope. She stays up there. And she dies at dusk if you don't back off. And I have a TON of hostages in Winterfell. I'll kill them off one by one. Beth dies first. Then, if you still aren't gone by dawn, another hostage will be hanged. Then the next dusk another dies. And so on. Two a day at every dusk and dawn.
Rodrick: I WILL KILL YOU!
Theon: No, you really won't.
Theon turns his horse and heads back into the castle.
Theon: Well, that was pretty bad-ass of me, but I bet it won't work. Ser Rodrick is the type of guy who will probably attack anyway and let his daughter die to keep his honor.
Luwin: Theon!
Theon: Oh shit. You again? I thought I told you to get lost.
Luwin: It's not too late to save yourself! Take up the Black!
Theon: What?
Luwin: The Night's Watch. Surrender and ask that Ser Rodrick let you take the Black. You'll be able to live the rest of your life serving on the Wall.
Theon: Hrmmmmm. Jon Snow is up there. And while I'm kind of a rival with him, it's not a TERRIBLE idea. It sounds better than dying. Let me think about that for a--
Kromm: --THEON! THEON! Hundreds more troops have arrived! They wave the flag of a bloody, flayed man.
Theon: What?! The Boltons? Huh? How did this happen? When? They were supposed to be down South by Harrenhal. Are they attacking?
Kromm: Yes... they're attacking. But they're attacking SER RODRICK!
Theon: WHAAAAAT?
Kromm: Yeah, they're slaughtering Ser Rodrick's Army.
Theon: That doesn't make any... wait a minute... that Reek guy! He served that Bolton bastard, didn't he? I figured he just ran out on me with no intention to come back. Let me see!
Theon goes up to the wall of Winterfell and watches. He sees the men with the Bolton flags attack the panicking forces of Ser Rodrick Cassel. Although Rodrick's army was larger, it was prepared for a siege of a castle... not for an attack from behind. And they were certainly not prepared to be attacked by people waving the flag of House Bolton, their supposed allies.
In the end, they stand no chance and are totally destroyed. A leader of the Bolton forces, wearing a red helm, rides to to the caste gate and throws down three bodies:
Ser Rodrik (RIP!!!!!), Leobald Tallhart and Cley Cerwyn (nobody cares about these two).
Theon: OH SNAP! You killed Ser Rodrick Cassel? That's insane! I was just talking to him. I figured he'd get better than an off-screen killing.
Red-Helmed Knight: Open the gates!
Theon: Yeah, sure. You just helped us, so that seems like a good idea.
Theon orders the gates opened and heads down from the wall to meet his rescuers. The man with the red helm takes the helm off.
Theon: WOW! Reek, it's you!
Ramsay Snow: HAHAHAHA, No. Reek was the name of my pet. He died dressed up in my clothes. And I took his identity. I am Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Roose Bolton.
Theon: CRAZY! Well, a promise is a promise and you delivered. You wanted to have sex with that Palla girl from the kennel, right? I'll have her summoned at once.
Ramsay: DUDE, YOU ARE FUCKING STUPID. That was all METHOD ACTING, man. METHOD ACTING. I don't want Palla. That was just my "Reek" character who wanted her. I could really go for the hottest chick left in town, which is probably that hooker Kyra that you keep in your bedchamber.
Theon: What? NO! Kyra is MY GIRL! You're crazy.
Ramsay: Really? How's this for crazy?
Ramsay backhands Theon with his STEEL GAUNTLET and busts Theon's jawbone open. Theon falls to the ground in agony, bleeding from the mouth.
Ramsay: Men, begin the slaughter. But save me the Frey boys. I will need them. Anyone else is fair game.
Luwin: What about m--
Snow's men stab Maester Luwin and he falls to the ground.
Ramsay: As for Winterfell... burn it. BURN IT ALL.
Theon begins to slide into unconsciousness. The last thing he sees before blacking out is the sight of his horse, Smiler, jumping around and screaming on fire
Theon: Ugh... "Horses on Fire"... band name?
Ramsay: Already taken. Ghent-based hard rock band. But they broke up in 2016.
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