Monday, April 23, 2018

ACoK 63: Daenerys V

Dany goes down to the docks of Qarth.

Dany: I'm so sick of Qarth. This place sucks. Oh, and also all of those Warlocks are trying to kill me because we burned down the House of the Undying.

Dany is back to being dressed in Dothraki-style, rather than Qarth-style. They might think she looks like a "savage," but who the fuck are they? A bunch of assholes, that's who. And now they're all scared of her. At first they all were interested in her and her dragons. But now the initial "wow" factor has worn off. They are afraid of them.

Jhiqui: Here, now that you're dressed like a Dothraki again, I'm going to braid this bell into your hair.

Dany: NO! Bells in hair are only for winners. I have won no battle.

Jhiqui: Well, you just kicked those Warlocks' asses. Burned their house down and everything.

Dany: Eh, that was really more Drogon's victory than mine.

Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: You're damn right it was].

Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Beautiful Dany! You must marry me and give me a dragon! Before it's too late! Everyone has turned against you. You need me as an ally! Let's sail around the Jade Sea together as husband and wife!

Dany: No.

XXD: Fine then. I'm going to demand you give back all the gifts I gave you, because you received them in bad faith.

Dany: Huh? I received them in bad faith? But they were gifts!

XXD: Well, in this town gifts are really more like bribes. And I was bribing you to marry me so that I could get what I wanted. e.g. one of those dragons of yours. And it didn't work. So now I want my bribes back.

Dany: This town is really fucked up.

XXD: Okay, let's forget that marriage shit. How about a straight up trade? You want ships to sail out of here and go back to Westeros. That's fine. We're done with you anyway. Give me a dragon and I'll give you some ships.

Dany: Do you know how many ships there are in the world?

XXD: No. Probably a lot.

Dany: All the ships in the world... maybe I'd trade that for one dragon.

XXD: Get the fuck outta here!

Dany: Fine, cool. I was gonna do that anyway.

Dany then locks XXD up in a giant vault with Doreah and he dies.

XXD: NO! STOP! That doesn't happen in the books! Doreah already died of a wasting disease in the red waste. And I need to come back in A Dance with Dragons!

Dany: Whatever. We'll see you again in, like, three books then.

And so Dany continues to walk along the docks.

Dany: Man, we have got to find some ships to rent to get the hell out of here. That Palace of Dust stuff was crazy. I kept seeing the number three over and over again.

Jorah: Well, the Targaryen symbol is a dragon with three heads.

Dany: Yeah, thanks for Man-splaining that to me, Jorah. I'm pretty sure I know what my own symbol is. Hey... tell me... have you ever heard of "The Jingle of Icy Hot?"

Jorah: The Jingle of Icy Hot? No, I have not, Khaleesi.

Dany: It was mentioned in my vision. I saw my brother, Rhaegar, or perhaps it was Shaq, and he mentioned the Song.

Jorah: Oh wait. Maybe I know the Jingle of Icy Hot. Does it go something like "Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away."

Dany: Maybe. I think Rhaegar/Shaq mentioned something like that. He was playing a harp too.

Jorah: That sounds more like Rhaegar. He used to play the harp.

Dany: And he had his son there with him in the vision. Is that the Prince that was Promised?

Jorah: Well, if he was... then the Prince that was Promised had his skull bashed against a wall and is dead now. So that's the end of that Jingle.

Dany: No. The Jingle must be more complicated than that. Like maybe it is a metaphor for the story of the times we live in. When the magical powers of the cold north and the warm south come to meet. When multiple lines of the Targaryen family, split apart, are finally reunited to take back the Seven Kingdoms. When the houses Stark and Targaryen are joined by a marriage alliance.  Something like that.

Jorah: Ugh. You said "Stark" so I stopped paying attention. I hate those guys since Ned banished me. What did you say again?

Dany: Never mind. Let's just look for some boats to get out of here.

And so they go from ship to ship, looking for someone to take them. But this is the typical reaction:
Captain Ron So you want me to carry on my ship over 100 Dothraki warriors - barbarians famed for murder, rape, and a DEATHLY FEAR OF WATER? And, in addition to that, you also want me to carry three FIRE-BREATHING DRAGONS on my WOODEN ship?

Dany: Yes.

Captain Ron: Ah-HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Dany: Sooooo... is that a yes?

Captain Ron: No way! There’s more profit trading saffron and cloves than carrying some dragons who will set all my sails on fire.
So that conversation plays itself out, basically in that form with a few deviations, about ten times or so.

Dany: This is lame.

Jorah: Not to freak you out or anything, Dany. But we're being followed.

Dany: Well, that sort of makes sense because everyone in this city wants to murder us. So who is following us? Point them out and I'll turn around and look.

Jorah: Girl, you got to be more subtle than that. Here, let's stop and pretend to look at shit in this shiny brass shop.

Crazy Pete, Owner of Crazy Pete's Shiny Brass Emporium: OH HEY THERE! SALES! SALES! SALES! LOOK AT THIS AMAZING BRASS! SO SHINY! AND YOU CAN BRING THIS FINE BRASS SHIELD HOME TODAY, FOR ONLY THIRTY HONORS!

Dany: Thirty honors? Bitch, this brass shield is worth three honors, max.

Dany and Jorah hold the shield up and look at it. It's so shiny that they can see the reflections of the people following them.

Crazy Pete: THREE HONORS? AN INSULT! TWENTY FIVE HONORS, MY BEST DEAL! AND I'LL THROW IN A FREE I-POD MINI!

Dany: Nobody uses i-Pod minis anymore, Crazy Pete. Oh, and Jorah... I see them. The fat brown man and the skinny old white man with the beard?

Jorah: Yes Khalessi, that's them. They've been following for some time now.

Crazy Pete: FIFTEEN HONORS! THAT'S THE BEST I CAN DO! I'LL LOSE MONEY ON IT, I KNOW! BUT THAT'S WHY THEY CALL ME CRAZY PETE! MY DEALS ARE INSANE!

Dany: Nobody wants your damn brass, Crazy Pete. We're just pretending to browse your wares so that we can look at these people trying to kill us.

Crazy Pete: RIGHT! BECAUSE THE BRASS IS SO SHINY! THE MOST SHINY IN ALL ESSOS! TEN HONORS! YOU WILL NOT GET A BETTER DEAL!

Dany: Why are honors the currency of Qarth? Honors are supposed to be the currency of Volantis. Does Qarth not have its own currency and just use Volantis currency?

Jorah: Maybe GRRM was just too lazy to think of another currency and was like, "Ah, nobody will notice."

Dany: Well, I noticed.

Crazy Pete: FIVE HONORS AND MY DAUGHTER'S VIRGINITY!

Jorah: Wait... what? Now I'm interested. I have a thing for underage girls, obviously. *leers at Dany*

Dany: You are an awful negotiator, Crazy Pete. We're leaving.

They turn to leave and Dany runs into a random Qarth Merchant. 

Random Qarth Merchant: Oh hey, Queen Daenerys! I know you don't know me, but I'm a big fan. I bought you this awesome, jeweled box. Check it out. Also, I'm so sorry.

Dany: Oh, how thoughtful! Let me just open the box so see what amazing gift is insi--

Jorah: --NO, DANY! STOP!

She begins to open it and a manticore pops out.

Dany: Wait... what... a manticore? With a human head, a lion's body, and the tail of a scorpion?

No, this one is pretty much just a scorpion.

Dany: Oh. Then just say "a scorpion jumps out."

Okay, fine. But's it's a SUPER DEADLY SCORPION that can kill with just one sting.

Dany: AAAEEEIIIIII!!!!

Suddenly, the two men that had been following her - fat brown man and tall bearded pale man - jump into the scene.  The old man knocks the box and manticore from her hand and it's flung towards Crazy Pete.

Crazy Pete: AGHHH!!!!! [shits pants]

The old man then takes the end of his staff and crushes the manticore to death.

Manticore's Wife: Nooo! My husband! Now our children will starve!

Sad. You never really think about that in these stories.

And let's just say that Rakharo, Jhogo and Aggo brutally murder the merchant that tried to kill Dany. I forget what exactly happens, but we haven't had much action from these Dothraki guys in a while, so I figure I'd work them back in here somehow.

Dany: Thank you, strangers who have been following me! You saved my life.

Jhogo: Should we kill these creeper guys too, Khaleesi?

Dany: What? NO! They just saved my life! I will let these men tell me who they are.

Old Man: Ah yes, the only reason you were able to spot us is because we WANTED you to spot us. If we had wanted to stay hidden, we could have.

Jorah: Uh huh. Sure. Fine. Whatever. I already hate you.

Old Man: We knew that there would be assassins out to get you here, and we were keeping our distance to protect you. I am known as "Not Barristan Selmy," and this is my friend, Strong Belwas.

Dany: Ah, so that's what we're going with here? We're just going to call you "Not Barristan Selmy" then, huh?

Not Barristan: Correct. I am a squire who once served House Swann. Now I squire for Belwas.

Jorah: Because you look kind of familiar. Maybe, like, Barristan Selmy or something. Because Barristan Selmy used to squire for Lord Manfred Swann.

Not Barristan: Well, I'm not him. Obviously. I do recognize you though, Jorah Mormont. I saw you joust at Lannisport once.

Jorah: DAMN! He knows who I am! One day I'll figure out the mystery of who you are too, Not Barristan Selmy!

Strong Belwas: Strong Belwas is I! Strong Belwas is a eunuch from Mereen who used to fight in gladiatorial combat! Strong Belwas has many cuts on his body. But Strong Belwas has never been defeated! Strong Belwas allowed each of his opponents to cut him once in combat before he killed them! You can see how many men Strong Belwas has killed!

Dany: Ugh, is Ricky Henderson over here really going to talk in third person the entire time?

Strong Belwas: Strong Belwas will indeed talk in third person the entire time!

Dany: I can see why they left you out the show and gave all your interesting story elements to Daario.

Strong Belwas: Strong Belwas was sent here by the fat man with sweet stink in his hair to bring you back to Pentos.

Dany: Fat man with sweet stink in his hair? Oh... do you mean Illyrio? Because that's a pretty good description of him. Sweet! Oh, and by the way, do you know why that guy tried to kill me? And right before it he apologized.

Not Barristan: He was one of the Sorrowful Men. A league of assassins who apologize to their victims right before they kill them because Russel T. Davies writes all their dialogue.

Dany: So who sent him? Pyat Pree? The Iron Throne?

Not Barristan: *shrugs* Probably Pyat.

Dany: Oh, did Illyrio happen to send any ships with you to bring me back?

Not Barristan: Of course! We have three ships with us - the Saduleon, the Summer Sun, and Joso's Prank.

Dany: Nice. Three! See? There's that three again that I was telling you about, Jorah.

Jorah: Whatever.

Dany: But I'm just going to go ahead and rename those ships the Balerion, the Vhagar, and the Meraxes. After the three dragons that Aegon the Conqueror brought with him to Westeros.

Not Barristan: I mean, sure. That's cool. We're coming here to save you and give you ships and everything. I guess you can just go ahead and rename them like that without asking the ship captains. I'm sure they don't mind at all that the ships they have been sailing on for their entire adult lives are going to now just be renamed by you on a fucking whim because you're a passenger. Just like when a bunch of drunk, middle-aged women go on a Royal Caribbean Cruise they're allowed to rename their ship the S.S. A Hard Man is Good to Find.

Dany: So are you guys loyal servants of the true Queen and here to do my bidding, or are you going to question me?

Not Barristan: Yes, we serve you, Queen. Westeros is bleeding and we need you to return.

Dany: GREAT! Now I can't wait for my epic concluding chapter to this book! It's going to be so awesome, I bet!

Not Barristan: This is it.

Dany: What? This is it?

Not Barristan: Yes.

Dany: The last book ended with me walking into a fire, not dying, and hatching magic dragons.  You're telling me that this book is going to end with me getting on a ship and renaming it?

Not Barristan: Yes. Well, I mean "no." Your last chapter ends with you getting on a ship and renaming it. But the book goes on for a bit more. You're not important enough to be a closer this time around.

Dany: Fuck.

No comments:

Post a Comment