Sansa is sitting around in Maegor's Holdfast, waiting for any further news of the battles outside. For the sake of argument, let's just say that Cersei has sobered up a little bit. Because it's tedious writing those drunk lines for her.
Suddenly, Lancel Lannister bursts through the doors and into the room.
Sansa: Oh HEY! You're not Kettleblack! I thought it was supposed to be Kettleblack that was delivering all those upda---OH SHIT, you're bleeding pretty bad!
Lancel nurses a wound. He's really messed up and blood is dropping everywhere. He angrily points at Cersei.
Lancel: This is YOUR FAULT, BITCH! ALL YOUR FAULT!
Cersei: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it there, minor supporting character. What are you talking about?
Lancel: You should have never ordered Joffrey to fall back! We were winning! Then when Joffrey turned from the Three Whores and ran, the rest of the army began to run with him. We lost all momentum. The battle turned. The Gold Cloaks all began defecting en-masse to either put down their arms or to outright join Stannis. Tyrion, Mandy Moore and the Hound are all missing. Presumed dead. Kings Landing is falling. We're doomed! DOOMED!
Cersei: Oh no! I never knew such a thing could happen! If only I was warned at several times by several characters that this would be a direct result if I decided to pull Joffrey back!
Lancel: But that did happen and you were warned.
Cersei: Oh, right. *drinks wine*
Osney Kettleblack: What Lancel says is true. There is fighting on both sides of the river now. A battering ram is attacking the King's Gate and our men are deserting. Angry mobs have formed at the gates. Rioting has begin in Flea Bottom.
Sansa then notices that Payne is missing.
Sansa: Well, if you'll excuse me. I'll just be sneaking out of here before Ilyn Payne shows up again.
Cersei: NO! Stay here! Order that the Joffrey be brought back to safety. Raise the drawbridge. Lock the gates! Bar all the doors!
Lancel: You dumb bitch, that will only make things WORSE!
Cersei: Screw you, fuckboi!
Cersei digs her hand into Lancel's open wound.
Lancel: AGHHHH!!!!!!
Cersei: I'm out.
Cersei just leaves. She straight up leaves.
All the other women in the room begin crying and panicing.
Sansa: Geez, does it have to be up to ME to calm them all down? That's really relying on a third-stringer there. OKAY WOMEN, OKAY! EVERYONE CHILL! Everything is going to be fine!
Hysterical Woman: Where did Queen Cersei go?
Sansa: She just needs to take a dump. She's coming back, I swear!
Hysterical Woman: What did those Knights say? Did they say that Kings Landing is falling and we're all going to be raped and murdered? Not necessarily in that order.
Sansa: What? NO! NO! Of course not. That's crazy talk. They said the battle is going really well.
The women look at the window. The battle is NOT going really well. Sansa then goes over and closes the window shade.
Hysterical Woman: WAIT A MINUTE! This is a medieval-style fantasy world. Have window shades even been invented?
Sansa: Shut up.
So they just stay there and wait. And wait. And wait. Cersei doesn't come back.
Dontos: How about I entertain you all then with hilarious clown antics?
Sansa: No. Nobody likes clowns, Dontos. Clowns are awful.
Woman: Well fuck it, I'm just leaving then.
She leaves.
Others start leaving too.
Sansa: Oh wow, with Cersei and Ilyn Payne gone, I guess we can do that, huh?
So Sansa leaves and goes back to her room.
Sansa: Well, I guess I'll try to go to sleep for the night and hope that I wake up again, un-murdered. I'll just go to bed and-- AGHHHHH!!!! THE HOUND!
Hound: Hi.
Sansa: What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?
Hound: Well, I'm really drunk and you promised me that you'd sing me a song. So I want you to sing it to me.
Sansa: Oh. Really? Is that all? You just want me to sing a song for you? That seems pretty easy.
Hound: Oh no, there is more than that. A lot more than that. There is clearly also a super RAPEY sub-text to this chapter.
Sansa: Of course there is, because this series is terrible to women.
Hound: Also, I've abandoned my post and am no longer fighting. Because we're all about to die.
Sansa: How very pleasant.
Sansa sings a song to him.
Hound: Okay, thanks little bird.
He then leaves.
Sansa: That was super weird and creepy.
Sansa then goes to bed. Does she fall asleep? No. Of course not. The city is on fire and being attacked by enemy forces. If the Lannisters win, she's still be a prisoner. If the Lannisters lose, there is a good chance that Ilyn Payne will burst into the room and behead her.
Sansa: Life sucks.
After a while of sleepless night, she then hears bells begin to ring.
Sansa: The bells rang when the king died. But these don't sound like those bells. They sound different.
She then hears singing in the streets.
Sansa: What the hell?
She looks out the window, but can't quite tell what's going on. They didn't give her one of those nice city view rooms at the Red Keep.
Suddenly, her door bursts open.
Sansa: AGHHHH!!!! ILYN PAYNE!!!!
Dontos: No! It's not Ilyn Payne, my dear Jonquil! For it is I, Dontos, your Florian the Fool!
Sansa: Oh yeah, gross. Because you're in love with me and keep equating us to this old love story about a beautiful girl and a homely fool. Nasty. Also, you seem even drunker than usual.
Dontos: The day is done! The day is won! The day is... uhh... fun! Victory! Victory!
Dontos sings and dances. It's very annoying.
Sansa: What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean the day is won?
Dontos: Stannis has been defeated! All the might of Casterly Rock and Highgarden has arrived... together!
Sansa: Say what now?
Dontos: Lord Tywin Lannister's army has come back to the city to save the day, joined by the Tyrells of Highgarden! And do you know who led the Tyrell army that saved the city?
Sansa: Hrm. I'm going to guess either Mace Tyrell, the head of the family, or perhaps his son, Loras, the brave Knight of Flowers who is an established battle expert.
Dontos: No! It WAS RENLY! RENLY!
Sansa: Wait... say what now? You mean DEAD Renly?
Suddenly, Lancel Lannister bursts through the doors and into the room.
Sansa: Oh HEY! You're not Kettleblack! I thought it was supposed to be Kettleblack that was delivering all those upda---OH SHIT, you're bleeding pretty bad!
Lancel nurses a wound. He's really messed up and blood is dropping everywhere. He angrily points at Cersei.
Lancel: This is YOUR FAULT, BITCH! ALL YOUR FAULT!
Cersei: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold it there, minor supporting character. What are you talking about?
Lancel: You should have never ordered Joffrey to fall back! We were winning! Then when Joffrey turned from the Three Whores and ran, the rest of the army began to run with him. We lost all momentum. The battle turned. The Gold Cloaks all began defecting en-masse to either put down their arms or to outright join Stannis. Tyrion, Mandy Moore and the Hound are all missing. Presumed dead. Kings Landing is falling. We're doomed! DOOMED!
Cersei: Oh no! I never knew such a thing could happen! If only I was warned at several times by several characters that this would be a direct result if I decided to pull Joffrey back!
Lancel: But that did happen and you were warned.
Cersei: Oh, right. *drinks wine*
Osney Kettleblack: What Lancel says is true. There is fighting on both sides of the river now. A battering ram is attacking the King's Gate and our men are deserting. Angry mobs have formed at the gates. Rioting has begin in Flea Bottom.
Sansa then notices that Payne is missing.
Sansa: Well, if you'll excuse me. I'll just be sneaking out of here before Ilyn Payne shows up again.
Cersei: NO! Stay here! Order that the Joffrey be brought back to safety. Raise the drawbridge. Lock the gates! Bar all the doors!
Lancel: You dumb bitch, that will only make things WORSE!
Cersei: Screw you, fuckboi!
Cersei digs her hand into Lancel's open wound.
Lancel: AGHHHH!!!!!!
Cersei: I'm out.
Cersei just leaves. She straight up leaves.
All the other women in the room begin crying and panicing.
Sansa: Geez, does it have to be up to ME to calm them all down? That's really relying on a third-stringer there. OKAY WOMEN, OKAY! EVERYONE CHILL! Everything is going to be fine!
Hysterical Woman: Where did Queen Cersei go?
Sansa: She just needs to take a dump. She's coming back, I swear!
Hysterical Woman: What did those Knights say? Did they say that Kings Landing is falling and we're all going to be raped and murdered? Not necessarily in that order.
Sansa: What? NO! NO! Of course not. That's crazy talk. They said the battle is going really well.
The women look at the window. The battle is NOT going really well. Sansa then goes over and closes the window shade.
Hysterical Woman: WAIT A MINUTE! This is a medieval-style fantasy world. Have window shades even been invented?
Sansa: Shut up.
So they just stay there and wait. And wait. And wait. Cersei doesn't come back.
Dontos: How about I entertain you all then with hilarious clown antics?
Sansa: No. Nobody likes clowns, Dontos. Clowns are awful.
Woman: Well fuck it, I'm just leaving then.
She leaves.
Others start leaving too.
Sansa: Oh wow, with Cersei and Ilyn Payne gone, I guess we can do that, huh?
So Sansa leaves and goes back to her room.
Sansa: Well, I guess I'll try to go to sleep for the night and hope that I wake up again, un-murdered. I'll just go to bed and-- AGHHHHH!!!! THE HOUND!
Hound: Hi.
Sansa: What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?
Hound: Well, I'm really drunk and you promised me that you'd sing me a song. So I want you to sing it to me.
Sansa: Oh. Really? Is that all? You just want me to sing a song for you? That seems pretty easy.
Hound: Oh no, there is more than that. A lot more than that. There is clearly also a super RAPEY sub-text to this chapter.
Sansa: Of course there is, because this series is terrible to women.
Hound: Also, I've abandoned my post and am no longer fighting. Because we're all about to die.
Sansa: How very pleasant.
Sansa sings a song to him.
Hound: Okay, thanks little bird.
He then leaves.
Sansa: That was super weird and creepy.
Sansa then goes to bed. Does she fall asleep? No. Of course not. The city is on fire and being attacked by enemy forces. If the Lannisters win, she's still be a prisoner. If the Lannisters lose, there is a good chance that Ilyn Payne will burst into the room and behead her.
Sansa: Life sucks.
After a while of sleepless night, she then hears bells begin to ring.
Sansa: The bells rang when the king died. But these don't sound like those bells. They sound different.
She then hears singing in the streets.
Sansa: What the hell?
She looks out the window, but can't quite tell what's going on. They didn't give her one of those nice city view rooms at the Red Keep.
Suddenly, her door bursts open.
Sansa: AGHHHH!!!! ILYN PAYNE!!!!
Dontos: No! It's not Ilyn Payne, my dear Jonquil! For it is I, Dontos, your Florian the Fool!
Sansa: Oh yeah, gross. Because you're in love with me and keep equating us to this old love story about a beautiful girl and a homely fool. Nasty. Also, you seem even drunker than usual.
Dontos: The day is done! The day is won! The day is... uhh... fun! Victory! Victory!
Dontos sings and dances. It's very annoying.
Sansa: What the hell are you talking about? What do you mean the day is won?
Dontos: Stannis has been defeated! All the might of Casterly Rock and Highgarden has arrived... together!
Sansa: Say what now?
Dontos: Lord Tywin Lannister's army has come back to the city to save the day, joined by the Tyrells of Highgarden! And do you know who led the Tyrell army that saved the city?
Sansa: Hrm. I'm going to guess either Mace Tyrell, the head of the family, or perhaps his son, Loras, the brave Knight of Flowers who is an established battle expert.
Dontos: No! It WAS RENLY! RENLY!
Sansa: Wait... say what now? You mean DEAD Renly?
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