Theon is dreaming again. Just like the last Theon chapter opening. Theon is on a lot of melatonin or something, I suppose.
In the dream, Theon is being chased by wolves. Which is a metaphor that I'm sure even the stupidest reader will be able to understand. Oh, the dream also has beheaded children in it. And of the Miller's wife chewing his dick off while he rapes her. Cool, huh? Oh no wait, I mean TERRIBLE.
Theon: AGHHHHH!!!
He wakes up, screaming.
Reek: Oh, hi there.
Theon: REEK?! What the hell are you doing here? Why are you watching me sleep? That is super creepy.
Reek: No reason. Oh... I mean, uh, to report to you that your sister, Asha, has arrived and is waiting for you in the Great Hall.
Theon: Haha, nice. I better get dressed and meet her. But I won't do it too fast. Better to keep her waiting. You know why?
Reek: Because you're an asshole and a sexist? Because you are extremely jealous of her competence compared to your inadequacy?
Theon: Shut up, Reek.
Theon takes his dear time. He thinks about what he should wear. He puts on his crown. He thinks it looks a little rough, but he still hopes it will make Asha jealous. He then thinks back to all the people he had to murder. Not Winterfell people... but his own people. One by one, everyone who was part of his and Reek's killing of Bran and Rickon have been murdered. But why?
Eventually, Theon moseys his way down to the Great Hall.
Theon: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.
Asha: Shut up, loser.
Theon: I'm the loser? Really? I took Winterfell, the capital of the north, with thirty men in a single night. It took you a thousand men and a month to take Deepwood Motte.
Asha: Riiiiiiight, it took me more forces and time to take a famous and strategic defensive post, guarded by elite northern fighting men. And it took you a shorter time to defeat an old castle defended by a cripple and a toddler. What a surprise.
Theon: Geez. Way to bust my balls. So where are all the men you're giving me as reinforcements?
Asha: Here.
She points over to the corner of the room. There are ten men.
Theon: WHAT?! TEN?! I need much more than that! The North is mobilizing against me ever since the defeat of Dagmer at Torrhen's Square!
Asha: Well, you don't get any more than that.
Theon: How am I supposed to hold Winterfell?
Asha: Guess you should have thought about that before you seized it. Don't take what you can't protect, Theon. What you should have done is just destroyed Winterfell and moved on. You should have taken the Stark boys back to Pyke as valuable hostages rather than kill them. But you didn't do any of that because you're a moron with no competence and no strategy. So here you are, marooned in the far north and surrounded by your enemies who will have no mercy on you for what you did to those kids.
Theon: THEY DEFIED ME! THEY HAD TO PAY! Plus the Starks killed our brothers back during Balon's uprising. This is revenge!
Asha: Idiot. How about you just return to Deepwood Motte with me?
Theon: NEVER! Winterfell is my prize! I will hold it forever.
Asha: Whatever. I'm leaving.
Theon: Huh? When?
Asha: Now.
She leaves. On her way out the door...
Asha: Oh, and your crown looks stupid, by the way.
Theon: GRRR!!!!!!
Reek: Hello there, Sir!
Theon: Oh, you. I should have you killed like everyone else there at the Miller's place. Why haven't I yet?
Reek: Because the whole plan at the Miller's was my suggestion, Theon. I'm a very helpful person. I have many helpful ideas. I can give you more helpful ideas, if you need them.
Theon: Sure, why not? What you got for me?
Reek: Well, you know how Asha didn't leave you enough men? I can find you men. Lots of men. 100. Maybe 200.
Theon: Go on.
Reek: Give me a bag of coin and let me sleep with that kennel girl, Palla. That's all I ask. I will then use the bag of coin to recruit a bunch of sellswords from the countryside to help protect the place.
Theon: So you want me to give you a bag of coin and have you just leave with it under a vague promise that you'll come back with more men?
Reek: Yes.
Theon: Okay.
Theon hands Reek a huge bag of coins. Reek leaves.
That night, Theon has more messed up nightmares. Nightmares about what he did to those two miller's boys that weren't Bran and Rickon. You see, since they were the same age as the two... the kids were easy to swap in. With their bodied flayed and tarred... nobody could tell the difference. All Theon had to do to keep the secret is start murdering everyone who knew. Bran and Rickon were never caught at all!
Every Reader: Duh, we figured this out a while ago.
In the dream, Theon is being chased by wolves. Which is a metaphor that I'm sure even the stupidest reader will be able to understand. Oh, the dream also has beheaded children in it. And of the Miller's wife chewing his dick off while he rapes her. Cool, huh? Oh no wait, I mean TERRIBLE.
Theon: AGHHHHH!!!
He wakes up, screaming.
Reek: Oh, hi there.
Theon: REEK?! What the hell are you doing here? Why are you watching me sleep? That is super creepy.
Reek: No reason. Oh... I mean, uh, to report to you that your sister, Asha, has arrived and is waiting for you in the Great Hall.
Theon: Haha, nice. I better get dressed and meet her. But I won't do it too fast. Better to keep her waiting. You know why?
Reek: Because you're an asshole and a sexist? Because you are extremely jealous of her competence compared to your inadequacy?
Theon: Shut up, Reek.
Theon takes his dear time. He thinks about what he should wear. He puts on his crown. He thinks it looks a little rough, but he still hopes it will make Asha jealous. He then thinks back to all the people he had to murder. Not Winterfell people... but his own people. One by one, everyone who was part of his and Reek's killing of Bran and Rickon have been murdered. But why?
Eventually, Theon moseys his way down to the Great Hall.
Theon: Well, well, well. Look what the cat dragged in.
Asha: Shut up, loser.
Theon: I'm the loser? Really? I took Winterfell, the capital of the north, with thirty men in a single night. It took you a thousand men and a month to take Deepwood Motte.
Asha: Riiiiiiight, it took me more forces and time to take a famous and strategic defensive post, guarded by elite northern fighting men. And it took you a shorter time to defeat an old castle defended by a cripple and a toddler. What a surprise.
Theon: Geez. Way to bust my balls. So where are all the men you're giving me as reinforcements?
Asha: Here.
She points over to the corner of the room. There are ten men.
Theon: WHAT?! TEN?! I need much more than that! The North is mobilizing against me ever since the defeat of Dagmer at Torrhen's Square!
Asha: Well, you don't get any more than that.
Theon: How am I supposed to hold Winterfell?
Asha: Guess you should have thought about that before you seized it. Don't take what you can't protect, Theon. What you should have done is just destroyed Winterfell and moved on. You should have taken the Stark boys back to Pyke as valuable hostages rather than kill them. But you didn't do any of that because you're a moron with no competence and no strategy. So here you are, marooned in the far north and surrounded by your enemies who will have no mercy on you for what you did to those kids.
Theon: THEY DEFIED ME! THEY HAD TO PAY! Plus the Starks killed our brothers back during Balon's uprising. This is revenge!
Asha: Idiot. How about you just return to Deepwood Motte with me?
Theon: NEVER! Winterfell is my prize! I will hold it forever.
Asha: Whatever. I'm leaving.
Theon: Huh? When?
Asha: Now.
She leaves. On her way out the door...
Asha: Oh, and your crown looks stupid, by the way.
Theon: GRRR!!!!!!
Reek: Hello there, Sir!
Theon: Oh, you. I should have you killed like everyone else there at the Miller's place. Why haven't I yet?
Reek: Because the whole plan at the Miller's was my suggestion, Theon. I'm a very helpful person. I have many helpful ideas. I can give you more helpful ideas, if you need them.
Theon: Sure, why not? What you got for me?
Reek: Well, you know how Asha didn't leave you enough men? I can find you men. Lots of men. 100. Maybe 200.
Theon: Go on.
Reek: Give me a bag of coin and let me sleep with that kennel girl, Palla. That's all I ask. I will then use the bag of coin to recruit a bunch of sellswords from the countryside to help protect the place.
Theon: So you want me to give you a bag of coin and have you just leave with it under a vague promise that you'll come back with more men?
Reek: Yes.
Theon: Okay.
Theon hands Reek a huge bag of coins. Reek leaves.
That night, Theon has more messed up nightmares. Nightmares about what he did to those two miller's boys that weren't Bran and Rickon. You see, since they were the same age as the two... the kids were easy to swap in. With their bodied flayed and tarred... nobody could tell the difference. All Theon had to do to keep the secret is start murdering everyone who knew. Bran and Rickon were never caught at all!
Every Reader: Duh, we figured this out a while ago.
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