Sansa is in the royal sept of the Red Keep. She listens to singing as she looks out and sees Joffrey mount a horse, wearing ornate amour.
Tyrion: What the hell are you doing here, Sansa? Stannis has arrived at last. The city is under attack! You're supposed to be with the other lady's in Maegor's Holdfast.
Sansa: Joffrey summoned me this way to wish him luck in the battle.
Tyrion: Well, we all know that is not necessary because Joffrey will be super far away from the battle and he's also an incompetent twat.
Sansa: Damn. Super far away from the battle? Because I was kind of hoping that he would get SUPER KILLED.
Tyrion: Whatever. I should have sent your ass away with Tommen. Oh well. Didn't think about it until now. Adios, in case the city burns down and I never see you again because we're all dead.
Tyrion leaves and Sansa goes out to see Joffrey.
Joffrey: Kiss my sword, bitch. It's my new one, called "Hearteater." Yeah. This is the sword I'm going to use to kill Stannis.
Sansa: Whatever, if you say so. What happened to your old sword? Oh that's right, my LITTLE SISTER beat your ass and threw it in a river. And speaking of my family, my brother really likes to jump into the heart of the battle. The middle of it. You should probably do that too. You know, go into the thickest, deepest part of the battle. Just think how heroic that would be.
Joffrey: Shut up about your brother, I'll kill him too!
Joffrey leaves and Sansa goes back in the sept to pray. The septon makes all sorts of blessings and prayers. But when the septon prays for Joffrey's safety, Sansa gets up and leaves. Which I'm sure was noticed by, like, everyone.
Sansa arrives at Maegor's Holdfast where all the ladies are. Queen Cersei. Lady Tanda Stokeworth and her pregnant fat daughter, Lollys. Also this new maidservant of hers. Some girl named "Shae." Other women too, but who cares?
Sansa: A bunch of ladies and... wait... is that Ilyn Payne?! The royal executioner? The guy who cut off my father's head?! What the hell is HE doing here?
Cersei: Oh, you know. In case people start betraying us when we're under attack, we'll need him to execute them for us.
Sansa: Won't the guards protect us?
Cersei: What? These guys? Hahahaha... no. All the real knights are out fighting in the battle. The knights around here are sellswords and the dregs of the City Watch. They'll turn on us immediately if it looks like things aren't going our way. And since we're a room full of women... well... you can guess what they'll do to us. And by that I mean rape and murder. Not necessarily in that order.
Sansa: True knights would never do such a thing to women and girls!
Cersei: I repeat again, Sansa... you are SO STUPID. Are you waiting for those heroic knights from the songs to show up and save you? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT SHIT, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. Don't you know what happens when a city is sacked? Obviously not, because the singers don't make songs about city sacking. We have a dearth of good sacking songs. Now shut the fuck up and eat your broth like a good girl.
Tyrion: What the hell are you doing here, Sansa? Stannis has arrived at last. The city is under attack! You're supposed to be with the other lady's in Maegor's Holdfast.
Sansa: Joffrey summoned me this way to wish him luck in the battle.
Tyrion: Well, we all know that is not necessary because Joffrey will be super far away from the battle and he's also an incompetent twat.
Sansa: Damn. Super far away from the battle? Because I was kind of hoping that he would get SUPER KILLED.
Tyrion: Whatever. I should have sent your ass away with Tommen. Oh well. Didn't think about it until now. Adios, in case the city burns down and I never see you again because we're all dead.
Tyrion leaves and Sansa goes out to see Joffrey.
Joffrey: Kiss my sword, bitch. It's my new one, called "Hearteater." Yeah. This is the sword I'm going to use to kill Stannis.
Sansa: Whatever, if you say so. What happened to your old sword? Oh that's right, my LITTLE SISTER beat your ass and threw it in a river. And speaking of my family, my brother really likes to jump into the heart of the battle. The middle of it. You should probably do that too. You know, go into the thickest, deepest part of the battle. Just think how heroic that would be.
Joffrey: Shut up about your brother, I'll kill him too!
Joffrey leaves and Sansa goes back in the sept to pray. The septon makes all sorts of blessings and prayers. But when the septon prays for Joffrey's safety, Sansa gets up and leaves. Which I'm sure was noticed by, like, everyone.
Sansa arrives at Maegor's Holdfast where all the ladies are. Queen Cersei. Lady Tanda Stokeworth and her pregnant fat daughter, Lollys. Also this new maidservant of hers. Some girl named "Shae." Other women too, but who cares?
Sansa: A bunch of ladies and... wait... is that Ilyn Payne?! The royal executioner? The guy who cut off my father's head?! What the hell is HE doing here?
Cersei: Oh, you know. In case people start betraying us when we're under attack, we'll need him to execute them for us.
Sansa: Won't the guards protect us?
Cersei: What? These guys? Hahahaha... no. All the real knights are out fighting in the battle. The knights around here are sellswords and the dregs of the City Watch. They'll turn on us immediately if it looks like things aren't going our way. And since we're a room full of women... well... you can guess what they'll do to us. And by that I mean rape and murder. Not necessarily in that order.
Sansa: True knights would never do such a thing to women and girls!
Cersei: I repeat again, Sansa... you are SO STUPID. Are you waiting for those heroic knights from the songs to show up and save you? GOOD LUCK WITH THAT SHIT, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST. Don't you know what happens when a city is sacked? Obviously not, because the singers don't make songs about city sacking. We have a dearth of good sacking songs. Now shut the fuck up and eat your broth like a good girl.
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