So now that Harrenhal has been captured by Roose Bolton, Arya has a new master.
Arya: Geez, look at all those heads up on the wall of the Lannsiter men that Roose executed. I wish one of those heads was Joffrey. That would be so sweet.
One of the dead is the old Maester who used to feed the ravens. She watches as birds peck out his eyes and eat them.
Arya: I wonder if the birds remember that he was the guy that used to feed him as they peck at his dead body. Are they totally cool with that? Do they feel a little bad? Do they miss him. Man, my thoughts are so metal.
In addition to the heads of executed men, there are also the women of Harrenhal that Roose decided were Lannister loyalists. They weren't executed - they were put in a pillory, naked and out in public and "for the use of any man who wishes." Pia is one of them. Remember Pia? No?
Arya: Oh, so these girls are chained up in public to be frequently raped? That's... uhm... pretty terrible. But not even close the most terrible thing I've seen in my young life.
Gendry: Oh hey Arya, admiring your work?
Arya: My work? What the hell are you talking about?
Gendry: You did this. All these people are dead because of you. My old boss who ran the forge, Lucan, is dead because they said he made armor and weapons for the Lannisters. These women are being raped because they served the Lannisters. And all thanks to you!
Arya: Me? No! It was the Bloody Mummers!
Gendry: Yes, the Bloddy Mummers who YOU got to flip on the Lannisters. Well, now we have NEW masters and they seem even worse than the old ones.
Arya: What? Really? But they're on Team Stark!
Gendry: Are they?
Arya: I mean... uhh...
Arya thinks about it. Roose Bolton is SUPPOSED to be a loyal bannerman to the Starks. But something about him freaks her out. She should tell Roose her real identity - that she's Arya Stark, the sister of his king, Robb. But she doesn't. And she can't really argue with Gendry either. He's right. All she can say is...
Arya: Hey, can you take your shirt off?
Gendry: WHAT? No. Stop being weird, Arya.
Gendry leaves.
Arya: Ugh. I wish I had left with Jaqen when he invited me. I should have. Now I'm stuck here. Lame.
So Arya goes back to work. The first task includes fetching some water for Roose. She shows up to the room with the water, and sees that Roose Bolton is talking battle strategy with his men while simultaneously having his blood leeched.
Aenys Frey: Lord Tywin could return at any moment! We must ready or defenses!
Roose Bolton: Calm down now, Anus Frey.
Aenys: "Ah-Knees!" It's pronounced AH-KNEES!
Roose: Lord Tywin is far away and poses no threat to us.
Harys Haigh: I don't see how the boy Robb can possibly win. Him? Defeat Tywin Lannister? Back when he was a knight, King Robert was the finest fighter there was. And even he couldn't beat Tywin in battle.
Roose: Robb Stark has beaten Tywin's forces in every battle they have had so far.
Hosteen Frey: Yeah, but he never faced Tywin himself. And Robb can't even defend the North. He can't even defend Winterfell! It's fallen and his own two brothers are dead.
Arya: SAY WHAT NOW?
Everyone turns and looks at Arya.
Arya: Uhh...sorry. I have Tourette syndrome. Don't mind me. I'm just the cup bearer girl, Nan.
And so the "important men" go back to discussing their war business. Arya knows they must be lying though. Winterfell fallen? Rickon and Bran dead? NO WAY! It must be some sort of Lannister lie.
Hosteen: Robb needs to just go ahead and bend the knee to King Joffrey. What could will fighting do now? It won't bring his father or brothers back.
Roose: Oh well then, why don't you just ride back to King Robb and tell him that yourself then.
Hosteen: *gulp*
Roose: Okay, I'm done with you all. DISMISSED!
Bolton orders his doctor to start pulling the leeches off and the meeting ends.
Roose: Qyburn, come here.
OH SNAP! IT'S QYBURN EVERYONE! QYBURN! THIS IS WHERE THEY INTRODUCE QYBURN! I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT HE CAME FROM HERE!!!!! HE'S THE LEECH GUY!
Qyburn: Yes, Lord Bolton.
Arya: That dude is super skezzy. Even skeezier than Bolton. They say he dabbles in the black arts and stuff.
Qyburn: Oh, and Lord Bolton... I also got a letter from your wife. She says she loves you very much and she can't wait until you get back home so that you can put a baby in her.
Roose: Really? Cool? Let me see that.
Qyburn hands him the letter.
Bolton balls it up and throws it in the fire.
Roose: Send my orders to Ser Helman Tallhart and tell him to burn Darry castle and to execute the prisoners. Then he is to head east and strike Duskendale.
Arya: Oh wow... Castle Darry? That's where I was at when Joffrey lied about me attacking him, tried to have my wolf Nymeria killed before I let her escape, made my dad kill Sansa's wolf Lady, and where the Hound brutally murdered by best friend, the butcher's boy Mycah. I hate that place. I'm glad it's going to be burned down and everyone inside of it executed. Hell yeah!
Qyburn: Also, there are a lot of wolves running around this area. Really, really bold ones. They probably have some sort of insane, giant, female Direwolf leader. They're attacking our men's camps in the woods.
Arya: Yep, that checks out! Good ol' Nymeria!
Roose: Fine, I'll lead a hunting party out to kill all the wolves then.
Arya: Wait... what now?
Bolton then leaves.
Arya takes the time alone to think about her brothers. Can they really be dead? She goes to cleaning Bolton's room and, as she does, she finds a map. And a knife.
Arya: Cool. I like maps. And knives.
She then goes out to the godswood and practices sword fighting against the trees.
Arya: Valar morghulis, you stupid tree!
Weirwood: Hey! What did we ever do to you, Arya?
Bolton and his wolf-hunting party return that evening, after a very successful culling of the wolves in the area.
Roose: All that wolf killing is exhausting. And it's too bad we couldn't catch the leader of the wolves.
Arya: Damn right you didn't, m'Lord.
Roose: Now make me dinner, Nan.
Arya: Okay, cool. Hey... and quick question for you... will you take me when you leave Harrenhal?
Roose: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME, GIRL! You serve me and do nothing else. And no, I won't take you with me. You'll stay here and serve Lord Vargo. Now like I said... give me dinner! I'll cut out your tongue if you question me again.
After making his dinner, she goes out to the godswood again. In the distance she hears wolves howl. Probably sad about their dead wolf friends.
Arya: The Lone Wolf Dies... but the Pack Survives! That's what dad always used to say! I'm not a meek little serving girl. I'm Arya Stark of Winterfell! I have the blood of the wolf in me. I don't want to stay here and get murdered by Vargo Hoat. I want to get out of here and kick ass! And so it shall be... Operation Kick-Ass to commence... NOW!
The first step of "Operation Kick-Ass" involves Arya creeping into Gendry's bedroom at night to see if he's naked. She lingers over his body for 30 minutes, smelling him.
He wakes up.
Gendry: AGHHH!!!! ARYA, YOU FUCKING CREEPER! STOP!
Arya: Oh hey. Get Hot Pie. We're escaping.
Gendry: What? No we aren't.
Arya: Yeah, we are. Get me some weapons and shit. We're getting out of here. Let's meet up at the gate by the Tower of the Ghosts in 30 minutes.
Gendry: No.
Arya: I heard Lord Bolton say he's leaving. He's going to turn the castle over to Vargo Hoat when he's gone.
Gendry: So?
Arya: I heard Vargo Hoat say that he's going to cut the left foot off of all of his servants when Bolton leaves. So that they can't escape him.
Gendry: That sounds like something you just made up.
Arya: Nope. Totally true. So meet me in 30 minutes... or enjoy waddling around like a fat-ass Manderly for the rest of your life.
She leaves and goes back to Lord Bolton's chamber. There she steals the map and the knife. She then goes to wait for her friends to meet up with her by the Tower of Ghosts. And she waits. And she waits.
She's beginning to think maybe they won't show, when...
[Heavy, labored breathing]
Arya: Well, that must be Hot Pie's lard butt.
Hot Pie: SHUT UP!
Arya: Shhh! We're being stealthy here!
Gendry: Ugh. I can't believe we're doing this. This is such a terrible idea. Look, there is a guard at the gate over there. We'll never be able to steal three horses and escape with that guard.
Arya: Don't worry about it. I have a plan to distract the guard. Just watch.
Arya goes up to the guard.
Arya: Your shoes are untied.
Guard: Oh, thanks.
As the guard bends down and sees that his shoes aren't untied at all, Arya whips out the knife she stole from Roose Bolton and slices his neck open. With his vocal cords split and blood spewing out everywhere, he can't scream for help. He falls to the ground, and blood pools out from his neck. Splatters of blood are all over Arya's face.
Hot Pie: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARYA! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO "DISTRACT" HIM.
Arya: This is a pretty good distraction. Now he'll never notice us leave.
Arya tastes the man's blood on his lips. It tastes GOOD. It begins to rain.
Arya: This rain will wash me clean. Not that I want to be. Now let's get out of here.
A pair of "Deal With It" sunglasses drift slowly down and land on Arya's eyes. She mounts her horse and rides out, looking at her map. Gendry and Hot Pie shrug and follow.
Arya: Geez, look at all those heads up on the wall of the Lannsiter men that Roose executed. I wish one of those heads was Joffrey. That would be so sweet.
One of the dead is the old Maester who used to feed the ravens. She watches as birds peck out his eyes and eat them.
Arya: I wonder if the birds remember that he was the guy that used to feed him as they peck at his dead body. Are they totally cool with that? Do they feel a little bad? Do they miss him. Man, my thoughts are so metal.
In addition to the heads of executed men, there are also the women of Harrenhal that Roose decided were Lannister loyalists. They weren't executed - they were put in a pillory, naked and out in public and "for the use of any man who wishes." Pia is one of them. Remember Pia? No?
Arya: Oh, so these girls are chained up in public to be frequently raped? That's... uhm... pretty terrible. But not even close the most terrible thing I've seen in my young life.
Gendry: Oh hey Arya, admiring your work?
Arya: My work? What the hell are you talking about?
Gendry: You did this. All these people are dead because of you. My old boss who ran the forge, Lucan, is dead because they said he made armor and weapons for the Lannisters. These women are being raped because they served the Lannisters. And all thanks to you!
Arya: Me? No! It was the Bloody Mummers!
Gendry: Yes, the Bloddy Mummers who YOU got to flip on the Lannisters. Well, now we have NEW masters and they seem even worse than the old ones.
Arya: What? Really? But they're on Team Stark!
Gendry: Are they?
Arya: I mean... uhh...
Arya thinks about it. Roose Bolton is SUPPOSED to be a loyal bannerman to the Starks. But something about him freaks her out. She should tell Roose her real identity - that she's Arya Stark, the sister of his king, Robb. But she doesn't. And she can't really argue with Gendry either. He's right. All she can say is...
Arya: Hey, can you take your shirt off?
Gendry: WHAT? No. Stop being weird, Arya.
Gendry leaves.
Arya: Ugh. I wish I had left with Jaqen when he invited me. I should have. Now I'm stuck here. Lame.
So Arya goes back to work. The first task includes fetching some water for Roose. She shows up to the room with the water, and sees that Roose Bolton is talking battle strategy with his men while simultaneously having his blood leeched.
Aenys Frey: Lord Tywin could return at any moment! We must ready or defenses!
Roose Bolton: Calm down now, Anus Frey.
Aenys: "Ah-Knees!" It's pronounced AH-KNEES!
Roose: Lord Tywin is far away and poses no threat to us.
Harys Haigh: I don't see how the boy Robb can possibly win. Him? Defeat Tywin Lannister? Back when he was a knight, King Robert was the finest fighter there was. And even he couldn't beat Tywin in battle.
Roose: Robb Stark has beaten Tywin's forces in every battle they have had so far.
Hosteen Frey: Yeah, but he never faced Tywin himself. And Robb can't even defend the North. He can't even defend Winterfell! It's fallen and his own two brothers are dead.
Arya: SAY WHAT NOW?
Everyone turns and looks at Arya.
Arya: Uhh...sorry. I have Tourette syndrome. Don't mind me. I'm just the cup bearer girl, Nan.
And so the "important men" go back to discussing their war business. Arya knows they must be lying though. Winterfell fallen? Rickon and Bran dead? NO WAY! It must be some sort of Lannister lie.
Hosteen: Robb needs to just go ahead and bend the knee to King Joffrey. What could will fighting do now? It won't bring his father or brothers back.
Roose: Oh well then, why don't you just ride back to King Robb and tell him that yourself then.
Hosteen: *gulp*
Roose: Okay, I'm done with you all. DISMISSED!
Bolton orders his doctor to start pulling the leeches off and the meeting ends.
Roose: Qyburn, come here.
OH SNAP! IT'S QYBURN EVERYONE! QYBURN! THIS IS WHERE THEY INTRODUCE QYBURN! I TOTALLY FORGOT THAT HE CAME FROM HERE!!!!! HE'S THE LEECH GUY!
Qyburn: Yes, Lord Bolton.
Arya: That dude is super skezzy. Even skeezier than Bolton. They say he dabbles in the black arts and stuff.
Qyburn: Oh, and Lord Bolton... I also got a letter from your wife. She says she loves you very much and she can't wait until you get back home so that you can put a baby in her.
Roose: Really? Cool? Let me see that.
Qyburn hands him the letter.
Bolton balls it up and throws it in the fire.
Roose: Send my orders to Ser Helman Tallhart and tell him to burn Darry castle and to execute the prisoners. Then he is to head east and strike Duskendale.
Arya: Oh wow... Castle Darry? That's where I was at when Joffrey lied about me attacking him, tried to have my wolf Nymeria killed before I let her escape, made my dad kill Sansa's wolf Lady, and where the Hound brutally murdered by best friend, the butcher's boy Mycah. I hate that place. I'm glad it's going to be burned down and everyone inside of it executed. Hell yeah!
Qyburn: Also, there are a lot of wolves running around this area. Really, really bold ones. They probably have some sort of insane, giant, female Direwolf leader. They're attacking our men's camps in the woods.
Arya: Yep, that checks out! Good ol' Nymeria!
Roose: Fine, I'll lead a hunting party out to kill all the wolves then.
Arya: Wait... what now?
Bolton then leaves.
Arya takes the time alone to think about her brothers. Can they really be dead? She goes to cleaning Bolton's room and, as she does, she finds a map. And a knife.
Arya: Cool. I like maps. And knives.
She then goes out to the godswood and practices sword fighting against the trees.
Arya: Valar morghulis, you stupid tree!
Weirwood: Hey! What did we ever do to you, Arya?
Bolton and his wolf-hunting party return that evening, after a very successful culling of the wolves in the area.
Roose: All that wolf killing is exhausting. And it's too bad we couldn't catch the leader of the wolves.
Arya: Damn right you didn't, m'Lord.
Roose: Now make me dinner, Nan.
Arya: Okay, cool. Hey... and quick question for you... will you take me when you leave Harrenhal?
Roose: WHAT? HOW DARE YOU TALK TO ME, GIRL! You serve me and do nothing else. And no, I won't take you with me. You'll stay here and serve Lord Vargo. Now like I said... give me dinner! I'll cut out your tongue if you question me again.
After making his dinner, she goes out to the godswood again. In the distance she hears wolves howl. Probably sad about their dead wolf friends.
Arya: The Lone Wolf Dies... but the Pack Survives! That's what dad always used to say! I'm not a meek little serving girl. I'm Arya Stark of Winterfell! I have the blood of the wolf in me. I don't want to stay here and get murdered by Vargo Hoat. I want to get out of here and kick ass! And so it shall be... Operation Kick-Ass to commence... NOW!
The first step of "Operation Kick-Ass" involves Arya creeping into Gendry's bedroom at night to see if he's naked. She lingers over his body for 30 minutes, smelling him.
He wakes up.
Gendry: AGHHH!!!! ARYA, YOU FUCKING CREEPER! STOP!
Arya: Oh hey. Get Hot Pie. We're escaping.
Gendry: What? No we aren't.
Arya: Yeah, we are. Get me some weapons and shit. We're getting out of here. Let's meet up at the gate by the Tower of the Ghosts in 30 minutes.
Gendry: No.
Arya: I heard Lord Bolton say he's leaving. He's going to turn the castle over to Vargo Hoat when he's gone.
Gendry: So?
Arya: I heard Vargo Hoat say that he's going to cut the left foot off of all of his servants when Bolton leaves. So that they can't escape him.
Gendry: That sounds like something you just made up.
Arya: Nope. Totally true. So meet me in 30 minutes... or enjoy waddling around like a fat-ass Manderly for the rest of your life.
She leaves and goes back to Lord Bolton's chamber. There she steals the map and the knife. She then goes to wait for her friends to meet up with her by the Tower of Ghosts. And she waits. And she waits.
She's beginning to think maybe they won't show, when...
[Heavy, labored breathing]
Arya: Well, that must be Hot Pie's lard butt.
Hot Pie: SHUT UP!
Arya: Shhh! We're being stealthy here!
Gendry: Ugh. I can't believe we're doing this. This is such a terrible idea. Look, there is a guard at the gate over there. We'll never be able to steal three horses and escape with that guard.
Arya: Don't worry about it. I have a plan to distract the guard. Just watch.
Arya goes up to the guard.
Arya: Your shoes are untied.
Guard: Oh, thanks.
As the guard bends down and sees that his shoes aren't untied at all, Arya whips out the knife she stole from Roose Bolton and slices his neck open. With his vocal cords split and blood spewing out everywhere, he can't scream for help. He falls to the ground, and blood pools out from his neck. Splatters of blood are all over Arya's face.
Hot Pie: HOLY FUCKING SHIT, ARYA! YOU SAID YOU WERE GOING TO "DISTRACT" HIM.
Arya: This is a pretty good distraction. Now he'll never notice us leave.
Arya tastes the man's blood on his lips. It tastes GOOD. It begins to rain.
Arya: This rain will wash me clean. Not that I want to be. Now let's get out of here.
A pair of "Deal With It" sunglasses drift slowly down and land on Arya's eyes. She mounts her horse and rides out, looking at her map. Gendry and Hot Pie shrug and follow.
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