Tyrion is on his way to have dinner with Cersei, which is something totally lame and that he doesn’t want to do. As he walks, Varys pops out of nowhere.
Tyrion: I should be shocked or startled, but I'm not. I pretty much always expect you to pop out of nowhere. It’s a regular thing.
Varys: Hey, check out this note we got from Winterfell. It’s from Theon Greyjoy. It says Bran and Rickon Stark are dead.
Tyrion: Oh wow, innocent children got brutally murdered. Nifty. Let me take this to Cersei and see how she reacts, because she is a sociopath that is probably in to that kind of shit.
He does as he promised, and takes the note to Cersei.
Tyrion: You must be happy, right? After all, you did want that Bran boy dead.
Cersei: It was Jaime who threw him out the window. Not me. I would have been happy if we threatened the boy by telling him "stitches to snitches."
Tyrion: Hrm. So you didn’t order any catspaw assassin to stab Bran to death?
Cersei: NO!
Tyrion: Interesting. Lady Stark told me that Littlefinger told her that it was MY catspaw dagger that was used in the attempt on Bran’s life. But it wasn’t my dagger. So I’m going around and trying to figure out who actually DID plan the murder. I figured you are Jaime were good guesses. What with Bran seeing you two do the horizontal mambo. But given that we’re having a private conversation together and you have no motive to lie given that you even lack context for my investigation… I guess I can eliminate you as a suspect.
Cersei: Ugh. Do we have to do another “mystery” thing like when Ned was trying to figure out the Jon Arryn stuff? Lame. Can we move on with the chapter.
Tyrion: Oh right. Well, let’s hope that Lady Catelyn believes that Theon Greyjoy is solely responsible for the murder and that the Lannisters have nothing to do with it. Or else who knows what she might do to Jaime.
Cersei: Nothing. Because I still have her damn daughter as a captive.
And so they have breakfast together. They talk about regular breakfast small talk.
Cersei: So, no news from Bitterbridge yet, huh?
Tyrion: No. Remember how we sent Littlefinger out of Kings Landing several chapters ago in order to go to Bitterbridge and negotiate with the Tyrells?
Cersei: Yes. I do remember it. Hence why I just mentioned it. Do you remember two chapters ago when Dontos was telling Sansa about some mysterious ally of his that had left town?
Tyrion: No, I do not remember that. And you do not remember it either. Neither of us were present for that chapter, and no narrative information has been provided that would lead anyone to assume that our spies know anything about Dontos and Sansa’s meetings in the godswood.
Cersei: Right. I know we don’t actually know about that. I was just bringing it up for the readers. You know. In case they hadn’t put two and two together yet.
Tyrion: Nobody is reading this who has not seen the show or read the books. So yes, I’m pretty sure the readers have “got it.”
Cersei: Now let’s argue about how neither of us trust Varys, and also talk about our feud over Tommen. What with us having different plans to protect him.
Tyrion: Yes. Let us argue about those things. And let us also argue about my plans to have the Hound separated from Joffrey. I need the Hound to lead some attack forces against Stannis’s armies.
Cersei: Don’t you think your plans to have the Hound lead fighting forces are somewhat misguided, given that another part of your plan also involves setting off fires everywhere? You know how the Hound hates fire.
Tyrion: *shrug*
Cersei: I do not like that plan. I want the Hound protecting Joffrey.
Tyrion: No. Joffrey will be safe with Kettleblack and Meryn Trant protecting him in the fight.
Cersei: Joffrey shouldn’t be in the fight at all. He’s just a boy.
Tyrion: I know. He won’t actually be fighting. He will be in the back. The back of the back. Waaaaay back. But our soldiers have to see Joffrey out there. Our men won’t fight for our king if they think he’s a coward. Jaime would have done the same when he was Joffrey’s age.
Cersei: Yeah, but Jaime also wasn’t a little crying bitch like Joffrey is. So there’s that.
Tyrion: You said it, not me.
Cersei: Oh, and hey… I forgot to mention this to you. But I’ve kidnapped your girlfriend and now I’ve got her as a hostage.
Tyrion drops his spoon, mid-eating.
Tyrion: Uhhh… what?
Cersei: Yeah. That secret girlfriend of yours? You know… the one you thought you were hiding from me? The one you take great effort at night to sneak off and have sex with? I’ve got her.
Tyrion: DAMNIT!
Cersei: You sold Myrcella to Dorne and you stole Tommen away from me. Don’t think that you can keep getting away with shit like this and not have me get revenge on you. I bet you’re trying to get Joffrey killed too now. So that you can have Tommen rule in his place, obeying you. Which is a pretty good plan because Tommen is stupid AF and will pretty much do whatever the last person told him to do.
Tyrion: Cersei… Cersei… calm down now… let’s not be rash here. I would never want to harm my own nephew. Ever!
Cersei: Mmm hmm. Whatever, dick.
Tyrion: Can I have proof that my girlfriend is alive? Pretty please.
Cersei: Oh yeah, sure.
She snaps her fingers and her hostage is brought forward.
It’s not Shae though. It’s Alayaya. Bound up in chains and beaten badly.
Tyrion: OH… OH SHIT! Hahaha… oh man. I was really worried there for a second. But then again, I guess that you were always meant to be collateral damage, huh Yaya? I mean the whole reason we were using you as a go-between was in case I was found out that YOU’D be the one captured anyway?
Yaya: Yeah, thanks asshole. *spits blood out*
Cersei: Wait… you don’t seem as deeply wounded and hurt by me kidnapping your girlfriend as I thought you’d be.
Tyrion: Uhh… oh. Right. Sorry, I mean “Oh no! Please let Alayaya, my girlfriend, go! Because you have the right girl.”
Cersei: You can have her AFTER the battle. After I get Tommen back from you.
Tyrion: Okay. Deal. And you better keep her safe. Because whatever happens to her, I will ALSO do to Tommen. So if she’s beaten and raped…
Cersei: --Gross. I don’t know why you had to take the conversation in that direction, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Yeah, me neither.
Cersei tries to hit him, but Tyrion grabs her arm and bends it backwards. It snaps off and she gets an infection after a few weeks and dies. Fox then reboots the Sarah Connor Chronicles.
Cersei: NO! Stop it narrator! That doesn’t happen.
Okay, fine. But that would have been cool.
Tyrion: Now release her from those chains!
Yaya: Oh, thank you so much my dear… uhh… “boyfriend.”
She gives him an obvious friend zone kiss. The kind a girl gives a guy after telling him how much like a brother she is to him.
Cersei: That was a surprisingly chaste kiss. I’d think you two would show more physical affection towards one another.
Yaya: Why? I’m a whore. Even if I WAS the right girl... why would you think that any such relationship is based on mutual affection?
Cersei: Good point, I suppose.
Tyrion: ANYWAY, you will RUE THIS DAY, CERSEI!
Tyrion then leaves and goes back to his own bedchamber in the Hand’s Tower.
Shae is there, waiting for him.
Tyrion: Oh SHAE! Thank the gods you’re safe! I was so worried for you!
Shae: What? Why?
Tyrion: Oh, my sister said that she had captured my secret lover. I thought it was you. But it was just that black prostitute that I was using as a decoy. So I feel a lot better now.
Shae: So you’re saying that you feel good because a black prostitute is getting beaten and chained up as a prisoner INSTEAD of me?
Tyrion: Yes.
Shae: How messed up is that?
Tyrion: Yeah, I’m a bit more messed up in the books. Not a straight up "good guy." I mean I did just threaten to beat and rape my own nephew.
Shae: Kinky. So are we having sex now or what?
Tyrion: Yes. All this talk about molesting my own boy nephew and having an innocent woman I used as a decoy chained up and beaten for protecting me while still not selling you out has gotten me really, really, really in the mood for sexual intercourse.
Tyrion: I should be shocked or startled, but I'm not. I pretty much always expect you to pop out of nowhere. It’s a regular thing.
Varys: Hey, check out this note we got from Winterfell. It’s from Theon Greyjoy. It says Bran and Rickon Stark are dead.
Tyrion: Oh wow, innocent children got brutally murdered. Nifty. Let me take this to Cersei and see how she reacts, because she is a sociopath that is probably in to that kind of shit.
He does as he promised, and takes the note to Cersei.
Tyrion: You must be happy, right? After all, you did want that Bran boy dead.
Cersei: It was Jaime who threw him out the window. Not me. I would have been happy if we threatened the boy by telling him "stitches to snitches."
Tyrion: Hrm. So you didn’t order any catspaw assassin to stab Bran to death?
Cersei: NO!
Tyrion: Interesting. Lady Stark told me that Littlefinger told her that it was MY catspaw dagger that was used in the attempt on Bran’s life. But it wasn’t my dagger. So I’m going around and trying to figure out who actually DID plan the murder. I figured you are Jaime were good guesses. What with Bran seeing you two do the horizontal mambo. But given that we’re having a private conversation together and you have no motive to lie given that you even lack context for my investigation… I guess I can eliminate you as a suspect.
Cersei: Ugh. Do we have to do another “mystery” thing like when Ned was trying to figure out the Jon Arryn stuff? Lame. Can we move on with the chapter.
Tyrion: Oh right. Well, let’s hope that Lady Catelyn believes that Theon Greyjoy is solely responsible for the murder and that the Lannisters have nothing to do with it. Or else who knows what she might do to Jaime.
Cersei: Nothing. Because I still have her damn daughter as a captive.
And so they have breakfast together. They talk about regular breakfast small talk.
Cersei: So, no news from Bitterbridge yet, huh?
Tyrion: No. Remember how we sent Littlefinger out of Kings Landing several chapters ago in order to go to Bitterbridge and negotiate with the Tyrells?
Cersei: Yes. I do remember it. Hence why I just mentioned it. Do you remember two chapters ago when Dontos was telling Sansa about some mysterious ally of his that had left town?
Tyrion: No, I do not remember that. And you do not remember it either. Neither of us were present for that chapter, and no narrative information has been provided that would lead anyone to assume that our spies know anything about Dontos and Sansa’s meetings in the godswood.
Cersei: Right. I know we don’t actually know about that. I was just bringing it up for the readers. You know. In case they hadn’t put two and two together yet.
Tyrion: Nobody is reading this who has not seen the show or read the books. So yes, I’m pretty sure the readers have “got it.”
Cersei: Now let’s argue about how neither of us trust Varys, and also talk about our feud over Tommen. What with us having different plans to protect him.
Tyrion: Yes. Let us argue about those things. And let us also argue about my plans to have the Hound separated from Joffrey. I need the Hound to lead some attack forces against Stannis’s armies.
Cersei: Don’t you think your plans to have the Hound lead fighting forces are somewhat misguided, given that another part of your plan also involves setting off fires everywhere? You know how the Hound hates fire.
Tyrion: *shrug*
Cersei: I do not like that plan. I want the Hound protecting Joffrey.
Tyrion: No. Joffrey will be safe with Kettleblack and Meryn Trant protecting him in the fight.
Cersei: Joffrey shouldn’t be in the fight at all. He’s just a boy.
Tyrion: I know. He won’t actually be fighting. He will be in the back. The back of the back. Waaaaay back. But our soldiers have to see Joffrey out there. Our men won’t fight for our king if they think he’s a coward. Jaime would have done the same when he was Joffrey’s age.
Cersei: Yeah, but Jaime also wasn’t a little crying bitch like Joffrey is. So there’s that.
Tyrion: You said it, not me.
Cersei: Oh, and hey… I forgot to mention this to you. But I’ve kidnapped your girlfriend and now I’ve got her as a hostage.
Tyrion drops his spoon, mid-eating.
Tyrion: Uhhh… what?
Cersei: Yeah. That secret girlfriend of yours? You know… the one you thought you were hiding from me? The one you take great effort at night to sneak off and have sex with? I’ve got her.
Tyrion: DAMNIT!
Cersei: You sold Myrcella to Dorne and you stole Tommen away from me. Don’t think that you can keep getting away with shit like this and not have me get revenge on you. I bet you’re trying to get Joffrey killed too now. So that you can have Tommen rule in his place, obeying you. Which is a pretty good plan because Tommen is stupid AF and will pretty much do whatever the last person told him to do.
Tyrion: Cersei… Cersei… calm down now… let’s not be rash here. I would never want to harm my own nephew. Ever!
Cersei: Mmm hmm. Whatever, dick.
Tyrion: Can I have proof that my girlfriend is alive? Pretty please.
Cersei: Oh yeah, sure.
She snaps her fingers and her hostage is brought forward.
It’s not Shae though. It’s Alayaya. Bound up in chains and beaten badly.
Tyrion: OH… OH SHIT! Hahaha… oh man. I was really worried there for a second. But then again, I guess that you were always meant to be collateral damage, huh Yaya? I mean the whole reason we were using you as a go-between was in case I was found out that YOU’D be the one captured anyway?
Yaya: Yeah, thanks asshole. *spits blood out*
Cersei: Wait… you don’t seem as deeply wounded and hurt by me kidnapping your girlfriend as I thought you’d be.
Tyrion: Uhh… oh. Right. Sorry, I mean “Oh no! Please let Alayaya, my girlfriend, go! Because you have the right girl.”
Cersei: You can have her AFTER the battle. After I get Tommen back from you.
Tyrion: Okay. Deal. And you better keep her safe. Because whatever happens to her, I will ALSO do to Tommen. So if she’s beaten and raped…
Cersei: --Gross. I don’t know why you had to take the conversation in that direction, Tyrion.
Tyrion: Yeah, me neither.
Cersei tries to hit him, but Tyrion grabs her arm and bends it backwards. It snaps off and she gets an infection after a few weeks and dies. Fox then reboots the Sarah Connor Chronicles.
Cersei: NO! Stop it narrator! That doesn’t happen.
Okay, fine. But that would have been cool.
Tyrion: Now release her from those chains!
Yaya: Oh, thank you so much my dear… uhh… “boyfriend.”
She gives him an obvious friend zone kiss. The kind a girl gives a guy after telling him how much like a brother she is to him.
Cersei: That was a surprisingly chaste kiss. I’d think you two would show more physical affection towards one another.
Yaya: Why? I’m a whore. Even if I WAS the right girl... why would you think that any such relationship is based on mutual affection?
Cersei: Good point, I suppose.
Tyrion: ANYWAY, you will RUE THIS DAY, CERSEI!
Tyrion then leaves and goes back to his own bedchamber in the Hand’s Tower.
Shae is there, waiting for him.
Tyrion: Oh SHAE! Thank the gods you’re safe! I was so worried for you!
Shae: What? Why?
Tyrion: Oh, my sister said that she had captured my secret lover. I thought it was you. But it was just that black prostitute that I was using as a decoy. So I feel a lot better now.
Shae: So you’re saying that you feel good because a black prostitute is getting beaten and chained up as a prisoner INSTEAD of me?
Tyrion: Yes.
Shae: How messed up is that?
Tyrion: Yeah, I’m a bit more messed up in the books. Not a straight up "good guy." I mean I did just threaten to beat and rape my own nephew.
Shae: Kinky. So are we having sex now or what?
Tyrion: Yes. All this talk about molesting my own boy nephew and having an innocent woman I used as a decoy chained up and beaten for protecting me while still not selling you out has gotten me really, really, really in the mood for sexual intercourse.
No comments:
Post a Comment