Cat Stark and Brienne of Tarth are sitting and having dinner at Riverrun. This is a SUPER AWKWARD and depressing dinner, because Cat has just gotten word from Winterfell that Theon Greyjoy has murdered her two youngest boys, Bran and Rickon.
And to contrast with this extreme sadness, the rest of Riverrun seems to be pretty happy. The castle celebrates the many recent victories of King Robb and Edmure Tully. Many are celebrating that Tully was just cast as the new Prince Phillip in Season 3 of The Crown. Not Cat though.
Cat: I have become a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.
Brienne: That is so emo.
Cat: Sorry, I'm just really sad.
Brienne: Why?
Cat: Oh. Because two of my sons just got murdered.
Brienne: Oh SHIT. Sorry, I didn't know.
Cat: Yeah, I didn't want to bum everyone out. A raven just came with a letter. Only myself and Maester Vyman know. Theon Greyjoy, a boy who my husband raised as a son, brutally murdered them and stuck their heads on pikes.
Brienne: I don't know what to say. Uhmmm. How about "your sons are with the gods now?"
Cat: There are no such things as gods to let this happen.
Brienne: Wow, this book is rapidly homecoming quite the atheist anthem. We just had the Hound talk about there being no gods either.
Cat: My daughters Sansa and Arya are probably doomed too. I know when Robb hears of this news he will go up to Theon and get revenge. But I want to be the one to do it myself. I want to choke him to death and watch the life drain out of him. I also want to do that to Jon Snow too, even though he's innocent. I just hate him though.
Brienne: Oh-kay.
Cat: Oh, and another thing. I just sent a cask of wine down to Jaime Lannister. I mean to get him drunk and talking. Then I will find out the truth behind these Lannister plots!
Brienne: Convenient. Tyrion just interrogated Cersei, attempting to identify her culpability in plotting against the Starks. And now you're doing the same with Jaime. That's some quality storytelling that builds upon themes!
Cat: I will go visit Jaime at midnight. I want you to come with me too.
Brienne: Wait... we're getting Jaime drunk and visiting him at midnight while he's chained up? Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?
Cat: An interrogation.
Brienne: Oh.
So while Cat is waiting for midnight to roll around, she goes to visit her father, Hoster. But Hoster is in no condition to talk to her. He's pretty far gone and no longer lucid.
Brienne: It's midnight now.
Cat: Wow that was fast.
They head down to the dungeons to visit Jaime.
Jaime: Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?
Cat: An interrogation.
Jaime: Oh. Because even though I don't find you that attractive, I'd still be up for anything. I mean I'd even go for that ugly bitch there.
Brienne: What?! REALLY?!
And thus begins the 'shipping.
Cat: Just drink this wine. It's not poisoned. If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.
Jaime: Screw you. I don't have to drink that piss. I'm a noble prisoner! I shouldn't be kept laying down in this dungeon surrounded by my own feces.
Cat: You brought that on yourself by trying to escape. You're an asshole and you will burn in the seven hells.
Jaime: There are no seven hells. There are no gods. If there were gods why would the world be so full of pain and injustice?
Brienne: Again with the atheism!
She gives him the wine. He drinks it.
Jaime: Okay, now who's up for some truth or dare?
In Westeros, this is a rhetorical question. When challenged to play truth or dare... you MUST.
Cat: Okay, I'll start. TRUTH. Are you Joffrey's father?
Jaime: Yep. I'm the father of all of Cersei's children.
Brienne: Eww. You banged your sister? Nasty.
Jaime: Okay, my turn. TRUTH. Are my father, Cersei and Tyrion all still alive?
Cat: That's technically asking multiple questions at once, but I'm going to let it slide. Yes. They are all still alive as far as I know.
Brienne: MY TURN NOW! DARE! I dare Jaime to kiss me!
But Jaime and Cat just ignore Brienne like she's not even in the scene.
Cat: TRUTH. How did my son Bran fall out of a window?
Jaime: I pushed him out.*takes a big gulp of wine*
Cat: WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Jaime: No you won't, because we still have your daughter as a captive.
Cat: Shit. You're right. So did you send that assassin afterwards to finish the deed?
Jaime: Technically it's supposed to be my turn again and I don't have to answer that. But no, I did not. I had nothing to do with that.
Cat: But Baelish said that it was Tyrion's dagger that tried to kill my boy.
Jaime: I doubt Tyrion would be involved either. Killing kids isn't his kind of thing. *drinks wine*
Cat: But Baelish told the whole story to me! It used to be Littlefinger's dagger but he lost it in a bet to Tyrion during the tourney on Prince Joffrey's name day when Ser Loras Tyrell defeated you.
Jaime: Oh, I remember that tourney. So how did Tyrion win a knife if I lost?
Cat: Littlefinger said he was the one who bet on you and that Tyrion bet on Loras
Jaime: How does that make any sense? Why would my brother bet against me? We're brothers and best friends. He always bets on me.
Cat: Well when you put it like that, now I just sound like an idiot for believing Littlefinger. Plus your story matches with Tyrion's story and you haven't seen each other since early in the first book so you wouldn't have any opportunity to coordinate on your story. Damn it!
Jaime: Okay. *drinks wine* You've asked too many questions. My turn again. TRUTH. What's up with Robert's brothers?
Cat: Stannis marches towards Kings Landing, ready to take on your son. Renly is dead. Murdered by black magic shit. Stannis totally did it.
Jaime: Wow. Crazy.
Brienne: DARE. Somebody pay attention to me!
But they both ignore her again. Jaime takes another swig of wine.
Jaime: TRUTH. What side are the Tyrells on in the war?
Cat: It wasn't your turn, but now that Renly is dead I don't know the answer. Also, I want to use this moment to point out how much my son Robb is kicking your father's ass in war. He just took the Crag from the Westerlings. WESTERLING. WESTERLING. I'm just going to repeat the word WESTERLING now because it will be important soon. WESTERLING.
Jaime: He's using craven's tricks to win battles. Not cool.
Cat: Says the asshole who used a craven's trick to try to sneak out of here. TRUTH. Why are you such a messed up, treacherous piece of human shit, Kingslayer and Oathbreaker? Why have you forsaken every vow you've ever sworn? Why did you swear to protect the King and then murder him?
Jaime, now fully drunk from all the wine, has had enough of this "oathbreaker" shit.
Jaime: OATHBREAKER! KINGSLAYER! FUCK YOU! Why do people always call me out on that? Why do people say I'm an asshole for doing that? Yeah, to tell the truth I am a bit of an asshole. But that was probably the one noble thing I did in my life. Do you know what happened to your original betrothed, Brandon Stark? Yeah, you weren't supposed to marry Ned at first. You were supposed to marry his older brother, Brandon. But Brandon went down to Kings Landing after he heard that his sister, Lyanna, had been taken by Rhaegar. He wanted his sister back and to challenge Rhaegar. So you know what King Aerys did? He arrested Brandon and summoned his father, Rickard, to come down. There, Rickard was arrested too and Aerys accused all the Starks of treason. Did you ever hear how your betrothed died?
Cat: I mean I didn't really...
Jaime: He was strangled to death. He died slowly and in pain, in some crazy strangulation device from the east. As he watched his father being BURNED ALIVE by wildfire. All by order of King Aerys. A king who would murder hundreds of other innocent people in similar manners, because he was fucked up in the head. A sick, twisted murderer. This is the king that I stabbed. And everybody calls me these names and talks shit about me for doing it. Really? REALLY?! It's completely messed up that I'm reviled for probably the best thing I ever did in my life.
Cat: ...
Jaime: And you call ME oathbreaker? You say it's messed up that I slept with my sister? But she's the only woman I've ever lain with in my life. I love her. I am loyal to her and only her. Think about your own husband, Cat. Pious ol' Ned Stark. Not so pious though, huh? What with him having that bastard child. If anything, I'm less of an oath breaker than your husband.
Cat: Okay... THAT'S IT. Brienne... give me your sword.
Brienne: Oh shit, it's on now.
Cat lifts up the sword, and motions it towards Jaime.
And to contrast with this extreme sadness, the rest of Riverrun seems to be pretty happy. The castle celebrates the many recent victories of King Robb and Edmure Tully. Many are celebrating that Tully was just cast as the new Prince Phillip in Season 3 of The Crown. Not Cat though.
Cat: I have become a creature of grief and dust and bitter longings.
Brienne: That is so emo.
Cat: Sorry, I'm just really sad.
Brienne: Why?
Cat: Oh. Because two of my sons just got murdered.
Brienne: Oh SHIT. Sorry, I didn't know.
Cat: Yeah, I didn't want to bum everyone out. A raven just came with a letter. Only myself and Maester Vyman know. Theon Greyjoy, a boy who my husband raised as a son, brutally murdered them and stuck their heads on pikes.
Brienne: I don't know what to say. Uhmmm. How about "your sons are with the gods now?"
Cat: There are no such things as gods to let this happen.
Brienne: Wow, this book is rapidly homecoming quite the atheist anthem. We just had the Hound talk about there being no gods either.
Cat: My daughters Sansa and Arya are probably doomed too. I know when Robb hears of this news he will go up to Theon and get revenge. But I want to be the one to do it myself. I want to choke him to death and watch the life drain out of him. I also want to do that to Jon Snow too, even though he's innocent. I just hate him though.
Brienne: Oh-kay.
Cat: Oh, and another thing. I just sent a cask of wine down to Jaime Lannister. I mean to get him drunk and talking. Then I will find out the truth behind these Lannister plots!
Brienne: Convenient. Tyrion just interrogated Cersei, attempting to identify her culpability in plotting against the Starks. And now you're doing the same with Jaime. That's some quality storytelling that builds upon themes!
Cat: I will go visit Jaime at midnight. I want you to come with me too.
Brienne: Wait... we're getting Jaime drunk and visiting him at midnight while he's chained up? Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?
Cat: An interrogation.
Brienne: Oh.
So while Cat is waiting for midnight to roll around, she goes to visit her father, Hoster. But Hoster is in no condition to talk to her. He's pretty far gone and no longer lucid.
Brienne: It's midnight now.
Cat: Wow that was fast.
They head down to the dungeons to visit Jaime.
Jaime: Is this an interrogation on a ménage à trois?
Cat: An interrogation.
Jaime: Oh. Because even though I don't find you that attractive, I'd still be up for anything. I mean I'd even go for that ugly bitch there.
Brienne: What?! REALLY?!
And thus begins the 'shipping.
Cat: Just drink this wine. It's not poisoned. If I wanted you dead, you'd be dead.
Jaime: Screw you. I don't have to drink that piss. I'm a noble prisoner! I shouldn't be kept laying down in this dungeon surrounded by my own feces.
Cat: You brought that on yourself by trying to escape. You're an asshole and you will burn in the seven hells.
Jaime: There are no seven hells. There are no gods. If there were gods why would the world be so full of pain and injustice?
Brienne: Again with the atheism!
She gives him the wine. He drinks it.
Jaime: Okay, now who's up for some truth or dare?
In Westeros, this is a rhetorical question. When challenged to play truth or dare... you MUST.
Cat: Okay, I'll start. TRUTH. Are you Joffrey's father?
Jaime: Yep. I'm the father of all of Cersei's children.
Brienne: Eww. You banged your sister? Nasty.
Jaime: Okay, my turn. TRUTH. Are my father, Cersei and Tyrion all still alive?
Cat: That's technically asking multiple questions at once, but I'm going to let it slide. Yes. They are all still alive as far as I know.
Brienne: MY TURN NOW! DARE! I dare Jaime to kiss me!
But Jaime and Cat just ignore Brienne like she's not even in the scene.
Cat: TRUTH. How did my son Bran fall out of a window?
Jaime: I pushed him out.*takes a big gulp of wine*
Cat: WHAT?! I'LL KILL YOU!!!!
Jaime: No you won't, because we still have your daughter as a captive.
Cat: Shit. You're right. So did you send that assassin afterwards to finish the deed?
Jaime: Technically it's supposed to be my turn again and I don't have to answer that. But no, I did not. I had nothing to do with that.
Cat: But Baelish said that it was Tyrion's dagger that tried to kill my boy.
Jaime: I doubt Tyrion would be involved either. Killing kids isn't his kind of thing. *drinks wine*
Cat: But Baelish told the whole story to me! It used to be Littlefinger's dagger but he lost it in a bet to Tyrion during the tourney on Prince Joffrey's name day when Ser Loras Tyrell defeated you.
Jaime: Oh, I remember that tourney. So how did Tyrion win a knife if I lost?
Cat: Littlefinger said he was the one who bet on you and that Tyrion bet on Loras
Jaime: How does that make any sense? Why would my brother bet against me? We're brothers and best friends. He always bets on me.
Cat: Well when you put it like that, now I just sound like an idiot for believing Littlefinger. Plus your story matches with Tyrion's story and you haven't seen each other since early in the first book so you wouldn't have any opportunity to coordinate on your story. Damn it!
Jaime: Okay. *drinks wine* You've asked too many questions. My turn again. TRUTH. What's up with Robert's brothers?
Cat: Stannis marches towards Kings Landing, ready to take on your son. Renly is dead. Murdered by black magic shit. Stannis totally did it.
Jaime: Wow. Crazy.
Brienne: DARE. Somebody pay attention to me!
But they both ignore her again. Jaime takes another swig of wine.
Jaime: TRUTH. What side are the Tyrells on in the war?
Cat: It wasn't your turn, but now that Renly is dead I don't know the answer. Also, I want to use this moment to point out how much my son Robb is kicking your father's ass in war. He just took the Crag from the Westerlings. WESTERLING. WESTERLING. I'm just going to repeat the word WESTERLING now because it will be important soon. WESTERLING.
Jaime: He's using craven's tricks to win battles. Not cool.
Cat: Says the asshole who used a craven's trick to try to sneak out of here. TRUTH. Why are you such a messed up, treacherous piece of human shit, Kingslayer and Oathbreaker? Why have you forsaken every vow you've ever sworn? Why did you swear to protect the King and then murder him?
Jaime, now fully drunk from all the wine, has had enough of this "oathbreaker" shit.
Jaime: OATHBREAKER! KINGSLAYER! FUCK YOU! Why do people always call me out on that? Why do people say I'm an asshole for doing that? Yeah, to tell the truth I am a bit of an asshole. But that was probably the one noble thing I did in my life. Do you know what happened to your original betrothed, Brandon Stark? Yeah, you weren't supposed to marry Ned at first. You were supposed to marry his older brother, Brandon. But Brandon went down to Kings Landing after he heard that his sister, Lyanna, had been taken by Rhaegar. He wanted his sister back and to challenge Rhaegar. So you know what King Aerys did? He arrested Brandon and summoned his father, Rickard, to come down. There, Rickard was arrested too and Aerys accused all the Starks of treason. Did you ever hear how your betrothed died?
Cat: I mean I didn't really...
Jaime: He was strangled to death. He died slowly and in pain, in some crazy strangulation device from the east. As he watched his father being BURNED ALIVE by wildfire. All by order of King Aerys. A king who would murder hundreds of other innocent people in similar manners, because he was fucked up in the head. A sick, twisted murderer. This is the king that I stabbed. And everybody calls me these names and talks shit about me for doing it. Really? REALLY?! It's completely messed up that I'm reviled for probably the best thing I ever did in my life.
Cat: ...
Jaime: And you call ME oathbreaker? You say it's messed up that I slept with my sister? But she's the only woman I've ever lain with in my life. I love her. I am loyal to her and only her. Think about your own husband, Cat. Pious ol' Ned Stark. Not so pious though, huh? What with him having that bastard child. If anything, I'm less of an oath breaker than your husband.
Cat: Okay... THAT'S IT. Brienne... give me your sword.
Brienne: Oh shit, it's on now.
Cat lifts up the sword, and motions it towards Jaime.
CLIFF HANGER!!!!
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