Sansa: Well, the city is on fire.
Dontos: Yep.
Sansa and Dontos meet in the godswood, as you can see above. As you can also see above, Kings Landing is on fire.
Sansa: Well, this sucks.
Dontos: Stannis burned the godswood in Storm’s End. As well as the city’s Great Sept. These are terrible times.
Sansa: Ah, well fuck the Great Sept here. They can burn it too. Remember my father was executed here?
Dontos: Oh right. Anyway, before he left... my “good friend” who will help you escape from here promised me that he has everything planned to take you to safety when the time is right.
Sansa: Yeah, yeah. That guy. You know we haven’t really talked about that guy much. You have a secret friend who will help me escape, but you never explained who he was.
Dontos: No. I did not.
Sansa: But now you just gave a little more away. You said that he left.
Dontos: Oh. I did? I mean… erm… uhh…
Sansa: Which means that the person who is helping me out is currently NOT in Kings Landing. Although he was, until somewhat recently, in Kings Landing.
Dontos: Sure, I suppose.
Sansa: If there was only some character who fit that description. You know, like a major character that was in Kings Landing and was sent away to perform some sort of task. Only his current location is unknown.
Dontos: Indeed. If only there was some character like that. Now let’s kiss!
Dontos tries to make out with Sansa. Sansa who is, I will remind you, a little girl that hasn’t even had her period yet. Dontos is, of course, drunk. He’s always drunk. He’s pretty much late 1990s/Early 2000s Robert Downey Jr.
Sansa: Uhh… no thanks, Dontos. Get the hell off me.
She leaves.
She heads up to the roof of her tower, feeling all mopey and sad. Will Stannis’s army really come and burn the city down? And if he does – is that a good thing or a bad thing?
The Hound: Hey.
Sansa: AGH!!!! Oh… It’s you. You scared me. What with your hideous, scarred face and everything.
Hound: You weren’t scared of my face when I was helping pull you out of that mob that wanted to rape and murder you. Not necessarily in that order.
Sansa: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So thank you.
Hound: Sure. Sure. “Thank you.” What a load of BS. I get no joy from your thanks, little bird. The only joy I get is from killing.
Sansa: Ah, well a war is about to happen so I think you’re in luck.
Hound: But look at all these fires being set. What kind of coward fights with fire?
Sansa: The kind that has pretty good battle strategies, given that they are aware of the mass chaos and fear caused by fire?
Hound: SHUT UP!
Sansa: I think it’s just you who has a problem with fire and are all afraid of it. You know, what with your brother burning half of your face off as a child.
Hound: I SAID SHUT UP! I’m not afraid! I’m afraid of nothing!
Sansa: Right. Except for fire and your brother, you are afraid of nothing.
Hound: *grumble*grumble*
Sansa: And maybe the gods too.
Hound: Gods? What gods? The gods that cause all this chaos and death in the world? The gods that allow rape and murder and pediatric cancer? Yeah honey, I got some news to break to you. There are just as many gods as there are true knights.
Sansa: Sooo… seven?
Hound: NONE!
Later that night, Sansa is asleep in bed and has a nightmare. She’s back in that mob again. The crowd is attacking her. She’s being stabbed and murdered and she’s bleeding. Bleeding everywhere. She’s even being stabbed in the vagina too.
Sansa: *WHEW* I’m so glad that was just a dream. But it felt so real. It really felt like I had been stabbed in the vagina and that I was bleeding everywhere. The feeling of sticky blood between my legs was so visceral. Incredibly realistic. In fact, it’s almost like I can still feel it.
She looks down.
Her bed is covered in blood.
Between her legs.
Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!
Sansa gets up and starts running around, panicking.
Sansa: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening! It was literally just noted earlier in this chapter how I was still a girl who hadn’t yet had her period. Now this? If they find out that I’ve had my period, then they’re going to rush my marriage Joffrey. And then I’ll have to have sex with him. The guy who ordered my father to be murdered. I must find some logical way to get out of this situation!
And so Sansa does the only logical thing she can think of. She runs down to the nearby Kings Landing Exxon and fills a couple of buckets up with gasoline. She then douses it all over her room and sets the place on fire, along with her dirty clothes and bedsheets.
Her maids come into her room.
Maid: WHAT THE HELL?!
Sansa: NOTHING. YOU SEE NOTHING. AGHHH!!!!!
Hours later, Sansa is sitting in a chair before the Queen at breakfast.
Cersei: Well, that grand stroke of yours wasn’t quite the brilliant master-plan you thought it would be, huh? Tried to burn your entire tower down in order to hide the fact that you had your first period?
Sansa: It seemed sensible at the time. What with me being covered in blood and everything. Blood is scary.
Cersei: You had nothing to fear about the blood, little one. It was only your first flowering. Didn’t your parents teach you about the birds and the bees?
Sansa: Oh yeah, I remember my dad said he was going to teach me about that. Then what happened? OH RIGHT. You locked him up in a dungeon and had him executed.
Cersei: *shrug*
Sansa: I just thought my first period would be… more… more… magical. With Unicorns and shit.
Cersei: Hahaha, no. We’re women. Now that you’re of reproductive age, the rest of your life is pretty much going to be pain, blood and screaming. Anyway, you know what your first flowering means, right?
Sansa: *sigh* It means I’m ready to be wedded and bedded.
Cersei: You don’t seem that enthusiastic about that. And look, I know Joffrey can be “difficult” sometimes…
Sansa: --Yeah, don’t you hate it when you have a “difficult” fiancé who does “difficult” things like murdering your father? That’s so very “difficult.”
Cersei: Look bitch, let’s not make this about you. Let’s make this about me. Robert was never even around for my births. It was always Jaime who saw my children being born.
Sansa: Yeah, Robert wasn’t around for the conceptions either, was he?
Cersei: What was that?
Sansa: Huh?
Cersei: What did you just say to me?
Sansa: What did who just say to who? Huh? I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything.
Cersei: Yes you did!
Sansa: You must be hearing things. What with all that wine drinking.
Cersei: Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to love your husband. I never loved mine. But despite that, you will love your children that you have with him.
Sansa: Oh no, your Grace. I “love Joffrey with all my heart.”
Cersei: I can see those quotation marks around your sentence. You’re being sarcastic. You don’t have to be sarcastic with me, girl. Trust me. Stannis won’t want to hear that kind of thing either if he wins.
Sansa: The High Septon says Stannis will never win because he’s on the side of the wrong gods. And Joffrey is the rightful king.
Cersei: Wow, you are dumb as shit.
Sansa: Isn’t this chapter supposed to end with you making some metaphor about love being sweet but poison being sweet too?
Cersei: I think I was supposed to. But now I just want to end it talking about how dumb you are.
Dontos: Yep.
Sansa and Dontos meet in the godswood, as you can see above. As you can also see above, Kings Landing is on fire.
Sansa: Well, this sucks.
Dontos: Stannis burned the godswood in Storm’s End. As well as the city’s Great Sept. These are terrible times.
Sansa: Ah, well fuck the Great Sept here. They can burn it too. Remember my father was executed here?
Dontos: Oh right. Anyway, before he left... my “good friend” who will help you escape from here promised me that he has everything planned to take you to safety when the time is right.
Sansa: Yeah, yeah. That guy. You know we haven’t really talked about that guy much. You have a secret friend who will help me escape, but you never explained who he was.
Dontos: No. I did not.
Sansa: But now you just gave a little more away. You said that he left.
Dontos: Oh. I did? I mean… erm… uhh…
Sansa: Which means that the person who is helping me out is currently NOT in Kings Landing. Although he was, until somewhat recently, in Kings Landing.
Dontos: Sure, I suppose.
Sansa: If there was only some character who fit that description. You know, like a major character that was in Kings Landing and was sent away to perform some sort of task. Only his current location is unknown.
Dontos: Indeed. If only there was some character like that. Now let’s kiss!
Dontos tries to make out with Sansa. Sansa who is, I will remind you, a little girl that hasn’t even had her period yet. Dontos is, of course, drunk. He’s always drunk. He’s pretty much late 1990s/Early 2000s Robert Downey Jr.
Sansa: Uhh… no thanks, Dontos. Get the hell off me.
She leaves.
She heads up to the roof of her tower, feeling all mopey and sad. Will Stannis’s army really come and burn the city down? And if he does – is that a good thing or a bad thing?
The Hound: Hey.
Sansa: AGH!!!! Oh… It’s you. You scared me. What with your hideous, scarred face and everything.
Hound: You weren’t scared of my face when I was helping pull you out of that mob that wanted to rape and murder you. Not necessarily in that order.
Sansa: Oh yeah, I forgot about that. So thank you.
Hound: Sure. Sure. “Thank you.” What a load of BS. I get no joy from your thanks, little bird. The only joy I get is from killing.
Sansa: Ah, well a war is about to happen so I think you’re in luck.
Hound: But look at all these fires being set. What kind of coward fights with fire?
Sansa: The kind that has pretty good battle strategies, given that they are aware of the mass chaos and fear caused by fire?
Hound: SHUT UP!
Sansa: I think it’s just you who has a problem with fire and are all afraid of it. You know, what with your brother burning half of your face off as a child.
Hound: I SAID SHUT UP! I’m not afraid! I’m afraid of nothing!
Sansa: Right. Except for fire and your brother, you are afraid of nothing.
Hound: *grumble*grumble*
Sansa: And maybe the gods too.
Hound: Gods? What gods? The gods that cause all this chaos and death in the world? The gods that allow rape and murder and pediatric cancer? Yeah honey, I got some news to break to you. There are just as many gods as there are true knights.
Sansa: Sooo… seven?
Hound: NONE!
Later that night, Sansa is asleep in bed and has a nightmare. She’s back in that mob again. The crowd is attacking her. She’s being stabbed and murdered and she’s bleeding. Bleeding everywhere. She’s even being stabbed in the vagina too.
Dream Sansa: OW! Why would you stab me in the vagina? I’m all covered in blood between my legs! Nasty! Gross! OW! OW! OW!Sansa wakes up from that horrible dream, because being stabbed in the vagina is an awful dream.
Sansa: *WHEW* I’m so glad that was just a dream. But it felt so real. It really felt like I had been stabbed in the vagina and that I was bleeding everywhere. The feeling of sticky blood between my legs was so visceral. Incredibly realistic. In fact, it’s almost like I can still feel it.
She looks down.
Her bed is covered in blood.
Between her legs.
Sansa: FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKK!!!!
Sansa gets up and starts running around, panicking.
Sansa: NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! This can’t be happening! This can’t be happening! It was literally just noted earlier in this chapter how I was still a girl who hadn’t yet had her period. Now this? If they find out that I’ve had my period, then they’re going to rush my marriage Joffrey. And then I’ll have to have sex with him. The guy who ordered my father to be murdered. I must find some logical way to get out of this situation!
And so Sansa does the only logical thing she can think of. She runs down to the nearby Kings Landing Exxon and fills a couple of buckets up with gasoline. She then douses it all over her room and sets the place on fire, along with her dirty clothes and bedsheets.
Her maids come into her room.
Maid: WHAT THE HELL?!
Sansa: NOTHING. YOU SEE NOTHING. AGHHH!!!!!
Hours later, Sansa is sitting in a chair before the Queen at breakfast.
Cersei: Well, that grand stroke of yours wasn’t quite the brilliant master-plan you thought it would be, huh? Tried to burn your entire tower down in order to hide the fact that you had your first period?
Sansa: It seemed sensible at the time. What with me being covered in blood and everything. Blood is scary.
Cersei: You had nothing to fear about the blood, little one. It was only your first flowering. Didn’t your parents teach you about the birds and the bees?
Sansa: Oh yeah, I remember my dad said he was going to teach me about that. Then what happened? OH RIGHT. You locked him up in a dungeon and had him executed.
Cersei: *shrug*
Sansa: I just thought my first period would be… more… more… magical. With Unicorns and shit.
Cersei: Hahaha, no. We’re women. Now that you’re of reproductive age, the rest of your life is pretty much going to be pain, blood and screaming. Anyway, you know what your first flowering means, right?
Sansa: *sigh* It means I’m ready to be wedded and bedded.
Cersei: You don’t seem that enthusiastic about that. And look, I know Joffrey can be “difficult” sometimes…
Sansa: --Yeah, don’t you hate it when you have a “difficult” fiancé who does “difficult” things like murdering your father? That’s so very “difficult.”
Cersei: Look bitch, let’s not make this about you. Let’s make this about me. Robert was never even around for my births. It was always Jaime who saw my children being born.
Sansa: Yeah, Robert wasn’t around for the conceptions either, was he?
Cersei: What was that?
Sansa: Huh?
Cersei: What did you just say to me?
Sansa: What did who just say to who? Huh? I’m sorry. I didn’t say anything.
Cersei: Yes you did!
Sansa: You must be hearing things. What with all that wine drinking.
Cersei: Anyway, what I’m trying to say is that you don’t have to love your husband. I never loved mine. But despite that, you will love your children that you have with him.
Sansa: Oh no, your Grace. I “love Joffrey with all my heart.”
Cersei: I can see those quotation marks around your sentence. You’re being sarcastic. You don’t have to be sarcastic with me, girl. Trust me. Stannis won’t want to hear that kind of thing either if he wins.
Sansa: The High Septon says Stannis will never win because he’s on the side of the wrong gods. And Joffrey is the rightful king.
Cersei: Wow, you are dumb as shit.
Sansa: Isn’t this chapter supposed to end with you making some metaphor about love being sweet but poison being sweet too?
Cersei: I think I was supposed to. But now I just want to end it talking about how dumb you are.
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