Qhorin Halfhand and his party, which includes a guy named “Jon Snow” (that might or might not be an important character) move through the Skirling Pass.
Jon Snow: Oh shit, hey look! A fire. Way up there on that mountain top thingie!
Qhorin: Those must be Mance Rayder’s scouts. I need two of you to go up and kill them.
Stonesnake: Dibs! Me!
Jon: Oh! Oh! Me too!
Qhorin: Okay Snow, you can go. But you have to leave that wolf behind.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Aww, I want to be part of the killing!]
And so Jon and Stonesnake climb up a dangerous and precarious cliff. They can’t go up there with horses or anything. They have to go up by hand. Just pretend it’s like scaling Mount Everest or something. Very dangerous.
Stonesnake: I think I see Greenboots over there!
Jon: Huh?
Stonesnake: Never mind. Everest joke. Google it.
Jon: Oh, okay.
And so they climb the cliffs. They have to use their bare hands, because with gloves they won’t have a good grip. Climbing with their bare hands up this jagged rock is really treacherous. For one, their hands are freezing cold. The rocks also cut Jon’s hands up pretty bad and he starts bleeding. And Jon’s hands aren’t in that great condition anyway. Remember that whole burning his hand thing? Yeah. He’s still dealing with that. Jon wishes he was as good a climber as his cousin, Bran.
Jon: Wait, Mr. Narraotor… why did you say “cousin?” Bran is my brother. Or my half-brother, at least.
Oh yeah, right. “Brother.” Sure. Because you’re Ned Stark’s “son.”
Jon: Right.
Stonesnake: This mountain is your mother.
Jon: The Mountain is my mother? Gregor Clegane is my mom? That's the craziest theory I've ever heard.
Stonesnake: No. This mountain. It's like a metaphor.
Jon: I'm confused. I thought my mom was supposed to be some ho from the south that my dad met.
Stonesnake: Never mind. This made more sense in the context of the book. Let's move on.
So anyway, Stonesnake helps lead Jon up a path, and they make it to the top. It’s the middle of the night and there they see three Wildlings.
Jon: [whispering] Shit. Three? I thought it was supposed to be two!
Stonesnake: Yeah, and one of them has a horn. If they blow that horn and warn Mance’s main army, we’re all done for. So somehow, we need to be able to kill these three Wildlings with just the two of us… in quick enough time to make sure that one with the horn doesn’t blow it first.
Jon: Okay, but that one there with the red hair is asleep on the ground. So maybe we’ll be in luck.
Stonesnake: Yeah. Since I’m the more experienced fighter, I’ll go for the one with the horn. You get that other one there by the camp fire. Then go for the third sleeping one after.
Jon nods, and they go into action.
Stonesnake jumps at the guy with the horn and there is a bit of a struggle. But he takes him out successfully. Jon also kills the second one just as the third one starts to wake up with the noise.
Jon grabs the third one and puts his knife to the Wildling’s neck. Just as he is about to slit the neck…
Jon: --Wait… are those boobs?
Wildling: Uh… yeah. I’m a girl.
Jon: Oh man. I was not prepared for this.
Stonesnake: KILL HER!
Jon: Kill a girl? No way! I’ve never killed a girl before. Will you yield?
Wildling: What? Will I yield as opposed to having my neck sliced open? Sure. I yield.
Jon: Sweet!
Stonesnake: The Halfhand didn’t say anything about taking prisoners! She’s a spearwife. She’ll gut you the first chance she gets. Kill her now!
Jon: No way. She yielded. Plus she kind of reminds me of my sister, Arya. Except, you know, she has a different height, weight, hair color, and facial bone structure. But other than that, she’s a lot like my sister.
Stonesnake: So? Who cares if she yielded? You can kill someone after they yielded. Didn’t you read any of those Arya chapters with the Lannister-allied forces killing yielding people?
Jon: Lannisters are bad guys! I’m a good guy. So tell me, Ginger Wildling Girl, what’s your name?
Wildling: Ygritte.
Jon: Oh, that’s a really cool name. You seem like a cool girl. And kind of hot. Maybe we’ll develop a sexual relationship with one another despite my vows as a brother of the Night's Watch to never be with a woman.
Ygritte: That’s a really odd thing to say after you just said that I reminded you of your sister, but okay. Whatever it takes to leave here with my neck still attached to my head. So what’s your name?
Jon: Jon Snow.
Ygritte: Ugh. “Snow?” Isn’t that an evil name or something?
Jon: No! It’s not evil. It’s a bastard’s name. When nobility have bastard children, they’re called “Snow.” My father is Ned Stark.
Ygritte: Oh great. A damn STARK. It’s not like you’re the arch enemies of us Wildlings or anything. OH WAIT. YOU ARE.
Jon: *shrugs*
Ygritte: I’d recommend you burn the bodies of my two dead colleagues here, if you know what I mean.
Jon: Yeah. Dead rising from their graves and everything. I’m aware. Sounds like a good idea.
Stonesnake: NO! No fires! Mance will see them. Let’s just roll their bodies off the side of the cliff here. The bodies will get torn up along the way and probably eaten by Shadowcats.
Jon: COOL! SHADOWCATS! It’s been a while since we had a nice Shadowcat reference.
And so they grab the bodies of Ygritte’s two fellow Wildlings and throw them off the cliff.
Jon: So, sorry about that. Murdering your friends and all.
Ygritte: Meh. They weren’t really my friends any more than you two are.
Jon: I’m confused. Maybe if you tell me a story it will help me out and provide context.
Ygritte: Okay, sure. Once a long time ago there was a King-Beyond-the-Wall named "Bael." He was enemies with King Brandon the Daughterless. Bael posed as a bard and got invited to Winterfell, where he performed so well that King Brandon granted him any favor that he requested. Bael requested a winter rose – the rarest and most beautiful blue flower in the north. Brandon agreed. But what Brandon didn’t realize was that the beautiful flower was just, like, a metaphor for his daughter’s vagina. So the next day, Bael and Brandon’s daughter vanished, with the winter rose being left in her place. Brandon sent out men everywhere to find his daughter, but he wasn’t able to. A year later, Bael returned her back to Winterfell except now she also had a baby because he knocked her up. But Brandon didn’t have any sons, so by default that Wildling son of Bael with Brandon’s daughter was the heir and became the next Lord Stark after Brandon died. So, really, the Wildlings and Starks are all related and we’re the same extended family.
Jon: Bullshit.
Ygritte: *shrug* Yeah. Probably. Aren’t all the old stories bullshit though?
Jon: I’ve never even heard of "Brandon the Daughterless." That’s not even a real Brandon. And how is he Daughterless if he has a Daughter in the story?
Ygritte: Oh yeah, right. There is a second half to the story. So anyway, thirty years after all of this… Bael was still King Beyond the Wall and led his free folk south. He met the Starks at a battle at the Frozen Ford but refused to kill Lord Stark. Why? Because this Lord Stark was his own son. So instead the son killed the father. But you know how the gods hate kinslayers, right? King Stark returned form the battle with Bael’s head on a spear. But King Stark’s mom saw the head and immediately recognized it as Bael – her lover and her son’s father. She was so stricken with grief that she threw herself off a tower and died. And the son didn’t last much longer than the mother. One of his lords rebelled against him and peeled his skin off to wear as a cloak.
Jon: Again, this story sounds implausible.
Stonesnake: Hrm. I dunno. It’s not like GRRM inserts these types of long, narrative stories about history for no reason. They all seem to pay off somehow. I’m picking up two major themes from this story: first and most obvious is that the Wildlings and the Starks have more in common than they have apart. We northerners like to think ourselves different, but in the end we’re really mainly the same. And the second theme I’d pick up on is about that being skinned alive and worn as a cloak thing. You know how the flayed man is the symbol of the House Bolton, right?
Jon: Sure.
Stonesnake: Maybe that means we can’t trust the Boltons or something like hat.
Jon: Eh, no way! You’re reading waaaaay too much into this. It’s just a story.
The next morning, Halfhand and the rest of the party arrive. Ghost is among them.
Qhorin: WHAT THE HELL?! A prisoner?! I didn’t say anything about prisoners!
Jon: Sorry. She yielded.
Ghost jumps up and affectionately licks Jon’s face.
Ygritte: What the hell? He’s friends with a direwolf? That’s CRAZY!
Qhorin: Sorry Jon, I know you found yourself a hot ginger girl. But you know what needs to be done. We’ll leave you alone with her. Go ahead and do it.
Jon: Wait… so are we talking about me killing her or having sex with her?
Qhorin: I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.”
Jon: *sigh* Okay.
And so Jon marches Ygritte off to the side of the mountain to do the killing deed.
Ygritte: You sure you don’t want to join the Free Folk? You seem like you’d be better with the Free Folk than with these stupid Southerners.
Jon: Southerners? What the hell are you talking about? We’re Northerners.
Ygritte: Well, you’re south of where I’m from. So you’re Southerners.
Jon: Fair enough.
Jon pulls out his sword.
Ygritte: *sigh* Just make it quick. Cut cleanly.
Jon raises his sword. Then he puts it down.
Jon: Go.
Ygritte: Wait… what?
Jon: I said, “GO!” Do it before I change my mind!
Ygritte: So you’re not going to kill me?
Jon: No, now LEAVE!
Ygritte: I mean we could do the sex thing instead if you want.
Jon: Nah, I’m pretty sure you’d stab me in the middle of it. NOW GIT!
She runs away.
Jon: Well, what are the chances I’ll ever see her again? Probably slim to none, right?
Jon Snow: Oh shit, hey look! A fire. Way up there on that mountain top thingie!
Qhorin: Those must be Mance Rayder’s scouts. I need two of you to go up and kill them.
Stonesnake: Dibs! Me!
Jon: Oh! Oh! Me too!
Qhorin: Okay Snow, you can go. But you have to leave that wolf behind.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: Aww, I want to be part of the killing!]
And so Jon and Stonesnake climb up a dangerous and precarious cliff. They can’t go up there with horses or anything. They have to go up by hand. Just pretend it’s like scaling Mount Everest or something. Very dangerous.
Stonesnake: I think I see Greenboots over there!
Jon: Huh?
Stonesnake: Never mind. Everest joke. Google it.
Jon: Oh, okay.
And so they climb the cliffs. They have to use their bare hands, because with gloves they won’t have a good grip. Climbing with their bare hands up this jagged rock is really treacherous. For one, their hands are freezing cold. The rocks also cut Jon’s hands up pretty bad and he starts bleeding. And Jon’s hands aren’t in that great condition anyway. Remember that whole burning his hand thing? Yeah. He’s still dealing with that. Jon wishes he was as good a climber as his cousin, Bran.
Jon: Wait, Mr. Narraotor… why did you say “cousin?” Bran is my brother. Or my half-brother, at least.
Oh yeah, right. “Brother.” Sure. Because you’re Ned Stark’s “son.”
Jon: Right.
Stonesnake: This mountain is your mother.
Jon: The Mountain is my mother? Gregor Clegane is my mom? That's the craziest theory I've ever heard.
Stonesnake: No. This mountain. It's like a metaphor.
Jon: I'm confused. I thought my mom was supposed to be some ho from the south that my dad met.
Stonesnake: Never mind. This made more sense in the context of the book. Let's move on.
So anyway, Stonesnake helps lead Jon up a path, and they make it to the top. It’s the middle of the night and there they see three Wildlings.
Jon: [whispering] Shit. Three? I thought it was supposed to be two!
Stonesnake: Yeah, and one of them has a horn. If they blow that horn and warn Mance’s main army, we’re all done for. So somehow, we need to be able to kill these three Wildlings with just the two of us… in quick enough time to make sure that one with the horn doesn’t blow it first.
Jon: Okay, but that one there with the red hair is asleep on the ground. So maybe we’ll be in luck.
Stonesnake: Yeah. Since I’m the more experienced fighter, I’ll go for the one with the horn. You get that other one there by the camp fire. Then go for the third sleeping one after.
Jon nods, and they go into action.
Stonesnake jumps at the guy with the horn and there is a bit of a struggle. But he takes him out successfully. Jon also kills the second one just as the third one starts to wake up with the noise.
Jon grabs the third one and puts his knife to the Wildling’s neck. Just as he is about to slit the neck…
Jon: --Wait… are those boobs?
Wildling: Uh… yeah. I’m a girl.
Jon: Oh man. I was not prepared for this.
Stonesnake: KILL HER!
Jon: Kill a girl? No way! I’ve never killed a girl before. Will you yield?
Wildling: What? Will I yield as opposed to having my neck sliced open? Sure. I yield.
Jon: Sweet!
Stonesnake: The Halfhand didn’t say anything about taking prisoners! She’s a spearwife. She’ll gut you the first chance she gets. Kill her now!
Jon: No way. She yielded. Plus she kind of reminds me of my sister, Arya. Except, you know, she has a different height, weight, hair color, and facial bone structure. But other than that, she’s a lot like my sister.
Stonesnake: So? Who cares if she yielded? You can kill someone after they yielded. Didn’t you read any of those Arya chapters with the Lannister-allied forces killing yielding people?
Jon: Lannisters are bad guys! I’m a good guy. So tell me, Ginger Wildling Girl, what’s your name?
Wildling: Ygritte.
Jon: Oh, that’s a really cool name. You seem like a cool girl. And kind of hot. Maybe we’ll develop a sexual relationship with one another despite my vows as a brother of the Night's Watch to never be with a woman.
Ygritte: That’s a really odd thing to say after you just said that I reminded you of your sister, but okay. Whatever it takes to leave here with my neck still attached to my head. So what’s your name?
Jon: Jon Snow.
Ygritte: Ugh. “Snow?” Isn’t that an evil name or something?
Jon: No! It’s not evil. It’s a bastard’s name. When nobility have bastard children, they’re called “Snow.” My father is Ned Stark.
Ygritte: Oh great. A damn STARK. It’s not like you’re the arch enemies of us Wildlings or anything. OH WAIT. YOU ARE.
Jon: *shrugs*
Ygritte: I’d recommend you burn the bodies of my two dead colleagues here, if you know what I mean.
Jon: Yeah. Dead rising from their graves and everything. I’m aware. Sounds like a good idea.
Stonesnake: NO! No fires! Mance will see them. Let’s just roll their bodies off the side of the cliff here. The bodies will get torn up along the way and probably eaten by Shadowcats.
Jon: COOL! SHADOWCATS! It’s been a while since we had a nice Shadowcat reference.
And so they grab the bodies of Ygritte’s two fellow Wildlings and throw them off the cliff.
Jon: So, sorry about that. Murdering your friends and all.
Ygritte: Meh. They weren’t really my friends any more than you two are.
Jon: I’m confused. Maybe if you tell me a story it will help me out and provide context.
Ygritte: Okay, sure. Once a long time ago there was a King-Beyond-the-Wall named "Bael." He was enemies with King Brandon the Daughterless. Bael posed as a bard and got invited to Winterfell, where he performed so well that King Brandon granted him any favor that he requested. Bael requested a winter rose – the rarest and most beautiful blue flower in the north. Brandon agreed. But what Brandon didn’t realize was that the beautiful flower was just, like, a metaphor for his daughter’s vagina. So the next day, Bael and Brandon’s daughter vanished, with the winter rose being left in her place. Brandon sent out men everywhere to find his daughter, but he wasn’t able to. A year later, Bael returned her back to Winterfell except now she also had a baby because he knocked her up. But Brandon didn’t have any sons, so by default that Wildling son of Bael with Brandon’s daughter was the heir and became the next Lord Stark after Brandon died. So, really, the Wildlings and Starks are all related and we’re the same extended family.
Jon: Bullshit.
Ygritte: *shrug* Yeah. Probably. Aren’t all the old stories bullshit though?
Jon: I’ve never even heard of "Brandon the Daughterless." That’s not even a real Brandon. And how is he Daughterless if he has a Daughter in the story?
Ygritte: Oh yeah, right. There is a second half to the story. So anyway, thirty years after all of this… Bael was still King Beyond the Wall and led his free folk south. He met the Starks at a battle at the Frozen Ford but refused to kill Lord Stark. Why? Because this Lord Stark was his own son. So instead the son killed the father. But you know how the gods hate kinslayers, right? King Stark returned form the battle with Bael’s head on a spear. But King Stark’s mom saw the head and immediately recognized it as Bael – her lover and her son’s father. She was so stricken with grief that she threw herself off a tower and died. And the son didn’t last much longer than the mother. One of his lords rebelled against him and peeled his skin off to wear as a cloak.
Jon: Again, this story sounds implausible.
Stonesnake: Hrm. I dunno. It’s not like GRRM inserts these types of long, narrative stories about history for no reason. They all seem to pay off somehow. I’m picking up two major themes from this story: first and most obvious is that the Wildlings and the Starks have more in common than they have apart. We northerners like to think ourselves different, but in the end we’re really mainly the same. And the second theme I’d pick up on is about that being skinned alive and worn as a cloak thing. You know how the flayed man is the symbol of the House Bolton, right?
Jon: Sure.
Stonesnake: Maybe that means we can’t trust the Boltons or something like hat.
Jon: Eh, no way! You’re reading waaaaay too much into this. It’s just a story.
The next morning, Halfhand and the rest of the party arrive. Ghost is among them.
Qhorin: WHAT THE HELL?! A prisoner?! I didn’t say anything about prisoners!
Jon: Sorry. She yielded.
Ghost jumps up and affectionately licks Jon’s face.
Ygritte: What the hell? He’s friends with a direwolf? That’s CRAZY!
Qhorin: Sorry Jon, I know you found yourself a hot ginger girl. But you know what needs to be done. We’ll leave you alone with her. Go ahead and do it.
Jon: Wait… so are we talking about me killing her or having sex with her?
Qhorin: I SAID, “YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.”
Jon: *sigh* Okay.
And so Jon marches Ygritte off to the side of the mountain to do the killing deed.
Ygritte: You sure you don’t want to join the Free Folk? You seem like you’d be better with the Free Folk than with these stupid Southerners.
Jon: Southerners? What the hell are you talking about? We’re Northerners.
Ygritte: Well, you’re south of where I’m from. So you’re Southerners.
Jon: Fair enough.
Jon pulls out his sword.
Ygritte: *sigh* Just make it quick. Cut cleanly.
Jon raises his sword. Then he puts it down.
Jon: Go.
Ygritte: Wait… what?
Jon: I said, “GO!” Do it before I change my mind!
Ygritte: So you’re not going to kill me?
Jon: No, now LEAVE!
Ygritte: I mean we could do the sex thing instead if you want.
Jon: Nah, I’m pretty sure you’d stab me in the middle of it. NOW GIT!
She runs away.
Jon: Well, what are the chances I’ll ever see her again? Probably slim to none, right?
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