Cat watches as her brother Edmure and his men ride out to battle.
Cat: Well, honestly they're probably going to all die. How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
BĪSTILLE: Eheu aul aul [x4]
Cat: NO! STOP THAT!
Brienne: I wish I could go. Because I wish I was a man. Only men get to go out and fight in this sexist, patriarchal society.
Cat then goes into deep thought and flashback territory, thinking about how men and women play different roles. Men fighting. Women comforting them. But she never comforted Littlefinger after he got his ass kicked fighting for her as a kid. Whatever.
Brienne: Fighting is better than waiting. When I'm waiting, I just feel helpless.
Cat: Yeah, well knights die in battle. So there's that.
Brienne: Just like ladies die in childbirth.
Cat: Good counter-point, I suppose. Anyway, my husband who was supposed to protect me is dead. I guess you can be my protector now.
Brienne: I'll try. I mean I can't promise you won't get your neck slit open anyway, but I'll do what I can.
Later, Cat is with Maester Vyman.
Vyman: Check it out! I got a letter from Lord Elwood Meadows, the new castellan at Storm's End. Penrose is dead and the castle now belongs to Stannis.
Cat: Wow. That was unexpected. So what happened to Edric Storm?
Vyman: It doesn't say.
Cat: Eh. Probably surrendered to Stannis or something. Whatever. Stannis will likely try to use Edric's appearance and resemblance to King Robert as some sort of evidence that Joffrey, in contrast, is a bastard. But I don't that's going to persuade anyone that didn't want to be persuaded of that in the first place. Of Ned's kids, only Arya looked like him. Well, and Jon Snow too... but fuck that shitty bastard. I HATE HIM.
Vyman: Speaking of bastards, here is another note. Coincidentally about someone else who fathered a bastard. It says that Roose Bolton is headed to take Harrenhal.
Cat: Yeah. And when Roose got that letter that his son had been executed, he didn't even care. He even sent a letter that said he was well to be "ridden of him." Cold blooded, yo.
Later again, that night Cat watches as Lannister forces attempt to attack the castle. Three times they strike. Three times they are defeated. She watches as the dead body of a Lannister soldier floats by the river that protects Riverrun.
Soldier: Actually, I'm not dead at all. I'm just--
Alligator: *NOM*NOM*
Solider: AGHHH!!!
Brienne: Actually, they are called "Lizard Lions" in this book series, not "Alligators."
Cat: Shut up, Brienne. It's a throwaway joke that doesn't even happen in the book. Stop extending this scene more than it needs to be extended. Let's move on.
Brienne: Lord Tywin doesn't mean to seriously attack us. He is merely testing our defenses to see how we respond. Then his REAL army will come after us. Trust me, I'm a fighting expert.
Cat: I'm bored. Let's get Cleos Frey drunk and see if he gives away any secrets.
Brienne: Cool.
And so Cat does that.
Cleos: *hiccup* All thish wine. YEAH! Sho tashty!
Cat: So were you in on this plot to free Jaime and kill all of us?
Cleos: Nope! I knew noshing about that.
Cat: And the Lannisters really offered to trade my daughters for Jaime?
Cleos: Well, yesh. Your daughter at leasht!
Cat: What do you mean daughter? I have two!
Cleos: Well, I only shaw the one, Shansha, when I wash there. I didn't she the osher one.
Cat: Hrm. Well, that really worries me. Cersei didn't say anything about Arya?
Cleos: Oh, I didn't talk to Chershei. I talked to the Imp.
Cat: Ah! So Tyrion is the one that proposed the terms?! He did try to protect me in the Vale. I wonder if I can trust him. Although Littlefinger did say that it was Tyrion's knife that was used to try to kill Bran. And why would Littlefinger lie about something like that?
Cleos: Chaosh is a ladder.
Cat: What?
Cleos: Noshing!
Days later, Edmure sends back word of a great victory against Lord Twyin's forces. Twyin was prevented from crossing the river, and the Mountain was ALMOST killed.
Cat: But this ain't horseshoes, so almost doesn't count.
Leo Lefford drowned as well.
Cat: Who the fuck is Leo Lefford and why would anyone care about him?
That night, all of Riverrun celebrates the great victory. Everyone except Catelyn.
Cat: We're winning, but I feel like that's just some type of shit that GRRM would do right before ripping all my hopes and dreams away with some really dark shit.
Cat: Well, honestly they're probably going to all die. How am I gonna be an optimist about this?
BĪSTILLE: Eheu aul aul [x4]
Cat: NO! STOP THAT!
Brienne: I wish I could go. Because I wish I was a man. Only men get to go out and fight in this sexist, patriarchal society.
Cat then goes into deep thought and flashback territory, thinking about how men and women play different roles. Men fighting. Women comforting them. But she never comforted Littlefinger after he got his ass kicked fighting for her as a kid. Whatever.
Brienne: Fighting is better than waiting. When I'm waiting, I just feel helpless.
Cat: Yeah, well knights die in battle. So there's that.
Brienne: Just like ladies die in childbirth.
Cat: Good counter-point, I suppose. Anyway, my husband who was supposed to protect me is dead. I guess you can be my protector now.
Brienne: I'll try. I mean I can't promise you won't get your neck slit open anyway, but I'll do what I can.
Later, Cat is with Maester Vyman.
Vyman: Check it out! I got a letter from Lord Elwood Meadows, the new castellan at Storm's End. Penrose is dead and the castle now belongs to Stannis.
Cat: Wow. That was unexpected. So what happened to Edric Storm?
Vyman: It doesn't say.
Cat: Eh. Probably surrendered to Stannis or something. Whatever. Stannis will likely try to use Edric's appearance and resemblance to King Robert as some sort of evidence that Joffrey, in contrast, is a bastard. But I don't that's going to persuade anyone that didn't want to be persuaded of that in the first place. Of Ned's kids, only Arya looked like him. Well, and Jon Snow too... but fuck that shitty bastard. I HATE HIM.
Vyman: Speaking of bastards, here is another note. Coincidentally about someone else who fathered a bastard. It says that Roose Bolton is headed to take Harrenhal.
Cat: Yeah. And when Roose got that letter that his son had been executed, he didn't even care. He even sent a letter that said he was well to be "ridden of him." Cold blooded, yo.
Later again, that night Cat watches as Lannister forces attempt to attack the castle. Three times they strike. Three times they are defeated. She watches as the dead body of a Lannister soldier floats by the river that protects Riverrun.
Soldier: Actually, I'm not dead at all. I'm just--
Alligator: *NOM*NOM*
Solider: AGHHH!!!
Brienne: Actually, they are called "Lizard Lions" in this book series, not "Alligators."
Cat: Shut up, Brienne. It's a throwaway joke that doesn't even happen in the book. Stop extending this scene more than it needs to be extended. Let's move on.
Brienne: Lord Tywin doesn't mean to seriously attack us. He is merely testing our defenses to see how we respond. Then his REAL army will come after us. Trust me, I'm a fighting expert.
Cat: I'm bored. Let's get Cleos Frey drunk and see if he gives away any secrets.
Brienne: Cool.
And so Cat does that.
Cleos: *hiccup* All thish wine. YEAH! Sho tashty!
Cat: So were you in on this plot to free Jaime and kill all of us?
Cleos: Nope! I knew noshing about that.
Cat: And the Lannisters really offered to trade my daughters for Jaime?
Cleos: Well, yesh. Your daughter at leasht!
Cat: What do you mean daughter? I have two!
Cleos: Well, I only shaw the one, Shansha, when I wash there. I didn't she the osher one.
Cat: Hrm. Well, that really worries me. Cersei didn't say anything about Arya?
Cleos: Oh, I didn't talk to Chershei. I talked to the Imp.
Cat: Ah! So Tyrion is the one that proposed the terms?! He did try to protect me in the Vale. I wonder if I can trust him. Although Littlefinger did say that it was Tyrion's knife that was used to try to kill Bran. And why would Littlefinger lie about something like that?
Cleos: Chaosh is a ladder.
Cat: What?
Cleos: Noshing!
Days later, Edmure sends back word of a great victory against Lord Twyin's forces. Twyin was prevented from crossing the river, and the Mountain was ALMOST killed.
Cat: But this ain't horseshoes, so almost doesn't count.
Leo Lefford drowned as well.
Cat: Who the fuck is Leo Lefford and why would anyone care about him?
That night, all of Riverrun celebrates the great victory. Everyone except Catelyn.
Cat: We're winning, but I feel like that's just some type of shit that GRRM would do right before ripping all my hopes and dreams away with some really dark shit.
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