Theon has been having nightmares. He wakes up and notices that the direwolves are pretty quiet.
Theon: Hey! The direwolves and pretty quiet!
See?
Theon: Wex, Urzen… go check on the direwolves.
They go to check on the direwolves. Then they come back. Wex and Urzen, I mean. Not the direwolves.
Urzen: Uh, yeah. They’re gone.
Wex: [says noting because he’s mute… remember? This character trait was built it solely for the “Theon tries to fuck his sister” joke, and now you have to put up with]
Theon: WHAT?! GONE?!
Urzen: Yeah. Oh, and since they were gone… we also went to go check on the Stark boys too. They’re gone as well. And some of our men at the Hunter’s Gate are dead.
Theon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Okay. Someone has to know where they went. Have the entire castle woken up and brought to the courtyard. I can’t believe these dicks have repaid my kindness and gentleness with this treachery.
Urzen: You’re referring to the kindness and gentleness of you betraying them despite the fact that they raised you from a boy in order to have your men kill and rape several of them and take over their castle?
Theon: What? NO! I’m a great leader! And I look down on the raping and killing. Why I had several of my own men whipped and punished for raping and killing.
Urzen: Not for killing Septon Chayle though.
Theon: Oh yeah. Right.
Urzen: Okay, I'll go and run to your sister to tell her you need help.
Theon: Huh? NO! Don't phrase it like that!
And so, as his men go to gather all the residents of Winterfell in the courtyard, Theon goes to investigate the dead men at the Hunter’s Gate.
Theon: Hrm. Gross. Look at this guy’s entrails all cut out and spilled all over the place. These guts look like a bunch of pale snakes. And it looks like this other guard was killed mid-coitus. Which means a woman was involved in his murder! So while I may have betrayed Ned Stark’s legacy, I still have his special CSI skills that he taught me. So I’ll use those deductive powers to divine that it was actually OSHA who killed him! Yes, Osha. I should have known to kill that Wildling bitch rather than let her live. And saying "Osha" reminds me of Asha, my sister. I hate her too! Oh… wow… is this the chapter that the show runners of Game of Thrones read when they decided to change Asha’s name to Yara? Because I somewhat explicitly point out here how similar their names are. I guess when they read this they were like, “Oh hey. Those do sound similar. It might confuse fans. Let’s change one of their names.”
Random Iron Isles Guy: Uhh… Theon… are you narrating aloud on purpose or is this supposed to all be thoughts in your head? Because you sound like a crazy guy now.
Theon: SILENCE! Now to go to the courtyard and interrogate the castle folk.
Theon goes to the courtyard, where all the men and women of Wniterfell are assembled. "Reek" is there too.
Theon: Okay, someone here spill the beans or I’ll have to start killing people.
"Reek:" Prince Greyjoy! Those bog people are gone too. That pot smoker Jojen and his sister, Meera. They must be involved in the disappearance of the Stark boys. No horses were taken though. Oh yeah, and Hodor’s also one. Figured he was worth mentioning.
Theon: Ah! Then they are on foot. That’s good. Easier to catch. Now townspeople, tell me where they went!
Townspeople: Nah.
Reek: You know, I used to work for Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Bolton. I’m not him though.
Theon: I never said you were him.
Reek: Yeah, yeah. Sure. But let’s just hypothetically say I WAS him though.
Theon: Well, you’re not. You’re Reek.
Reek: Right, of course. But just some role-playing here… pretend I am Ramsay Snow. If I were him, then I would tell you that you should flay these townspeople the way the Boltons flayed their prisoners in the old days. Tear their skins off and crucify them upsidedown.
Theon: Creepy. I’m not sure I like this role-playing thing you’re doing, Reek, who is totally not just Ramsay Snow in disguise.
Reek: Oh come on, it’s fun. You try it!
Theon: Like how? You want me to pretend to be you or something?
Reek: Hrm. Not a bad idea. Theon as the next Reek. Hrmmmmmmmm.
“Reek” writes that down in his notebook.
Theon: ANYWAY… I’m going to conscript a bunch of you to be huntsman with me. Let’s get those dogs and go off to the woods, looking for those Stark boys! Maester Luwin, you join us too.
Luwin: What? Why?
Theon: *shrugs*
Kid Noise: I WANT TO JOIN TOO!
Theon: Who the hell are you?
Little Walder Frey: Hey, I’m one of the two Frey kids. You know, Walder and Walder. I’m the fat one and I hate the Starks. I want to help hunt them too.
Theon: Sure, whatever. I’ll take what I can get.
And so Theon and company go off hunting for the Stark kids. Their dogs follow the scent of the wolves north.
Theon: Haha! These dogs are catching up to them. We’ll have them soon!
Luwin: Theon, I implore you to have mercy on the boys. You know how important they will be as hostages, right? And the Reed kids as well. They’re worth much more alive than dead.
Theon: Hrm, good points. I’ll spare them if I can. And that Hodor guy, because I love his eloquent speaking skills so much. But that Osha girl… I’ll have no mercy on her! Because she reminds me of my sister who I have really messed up feelings and emotions about.
Luwin: Yes, and you’re generally a misogynist and asshole.
Theon: Correct.
And so they continue to follow the smell train of the wolves when they hit a river. But then the scent diverges to a path that he knows the boys couldn’t have gone. But the wolves could have.
Theon: DAMNIT! The wolves obviously separated from the kids at some point. We’ve been following the wrong trail. Plus it seems like the wolves might have doubled back somewhere. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!
Theon orders his men to go backwards. They search and search and search. And find nothing.
Little Walder: You know, those nasty frog eaters have magic. They’re probably using that magic to hide.
Theon: Shut up you fat little bitch, nobody believes that.
Luwin: Actually, Theon. He’s fairly close to the truth These crannogmen have a deep connection to nature. It’s said they are related to the children of the forest. They likely have secret knowledge that could help them evade us.
Theon: FUUUUUUUCK AGAIN! It’s almost nightfall. If I go back to Winterfell without those boys, I’ll be a laughing stock! I need to find them.
Reek: Oh Theon, Prince Theon! I bet I know where those kids are hiding. At the old mill by the Acorn Water. You know, where that Miller and his wife live with their two kids.
Theon: Oh right. I once banged that Miller’s wife when the Miller was away. She’s sort of hot. Why would you think that Bran and Rickon are at the Acorn Water?
Reek: *ahem*… You know. Those two boys. Who are, coincidentally, about the same age as Bran and Rickon.
Theon: Right. I know the Miller and his wife have two kids. What does that have to do with the Stark kids?
Reek: *sigh* Check this out!
Reek shows Theon something he’s been hiding in his bag – a wolfshead brooch, an article of clothes that the Stark boys often wear.
Theon: So? You have one of their brooches. Big deal.
Reek: Oh man, Theon. You’re a bit slow. TWO KIDS. THE SAME AGES AS BRAN AND RICKON. And we know exactly where those two boys are.
Theon: Still not following.
Reek: See, this is why everybody hates you, Theon.
Theon: Hey! The direwolves and pretty quiet!
See?
Theon: Wex, Urzen… go check on the direwolves.
They go to check on the direwolves. Then they come back. Wex and Urzen, I mean. Not the direwolves.
Urzen: Uh, yeah. They’re gone.
Wex: [says noting because he’s mute… remember? This character trait was built it solely for the “Theon tries to fuck his sister” joke, and now you have to put up with]
Theon: WHAT?! GONE?!
Urzen: Yeah. Oh, and since they were gone… we also went to go check on the Stark boys too. They’re gone as well. And some of our men at the Hunter’s Gate are dead.
Theon: FUUUUUUUUUUUUCK! Okay. Someone has to know where they went. Have the entire castle woken up and brought to the courtyard. I can’t believe these dicks have repaid my kindness and gentleness with this treachery.
Urzen: You’re referring to the kindness and gentleness of you betraying them despite the fact that they raised you from a boy in order to have your men kill and rape several of them and take over their castle?
Theon: What? NO! I’m a great leader! And I look down on the raping and killing. Why I had several of my own men whipped and punished for raping and killing.
Urzen: Not for killing Septon Chayle though.
Theon: Oh yeah. Right.
FLASHBACK!!!Theon: Look, okay. Yeah. I murdered Septon Chayle. Whatever. Just Shut up and just gather everyone like I said. Oh, and also send word to my sister at Deepwood Motte that we need some assistance to help us secure the castle.
Theon: Well Septon Chayle, it’s sort of an Ironborn tradition to sacrifice someone to the Drowned God as soon as we take a city.
Septon Chayle: What the fuck, man? Why does it have to be me? I’m the librarian.
Theon: No hard feelings. It’s not personal. It’s just that you sort of represent the religion of the seven and stuff. So it’s especially fitting if we execute you to our god. You know. Also, you annoy me with all that shit about library books being due.
Chayle: YOU STILL HAVE SEVERAL BOOKS, DUE! THEON! RETURN THOSE BOOKS BEFORE YOU—
Theon kicks Septon Chayle over and tosses him down the well. He drowns.
Chayle: *glug*glug*LIBRARY BOOKS*glug*
The end of Septon Chayle. RIP.
Urzen: Okay, I'll go and run to your sister to tell her you need help.
Theon: Huh? NO! Don't phrase it like that!
And so, as his men go to gather all the residents of Winterfell in the courtyard, Theon goes to investigate the dead men at the Hunter’s Gate.
Theon: Hrm. Gross. Look at this guy’s entrails all cut out and spilled all over the place. These guts look like a bunch of pale snakes. And it looks like this other guard was killed mid-coitus. Which means a woman was involved in his murder! So while I may have betrayed Ned Stark’s legacy, I still have his special CSI skills that he taught me. So I’ll use those deductive powers to divine that it was actually OSHA who killed him! Yes, Osha. I should have known to kill that Wildling bitch rather than let her live. And saying "Osha" reminds me of Asha, my sister. I hate her too! Oh… wow… is this the chapter that the show runners of Game of Thrones read when they decided to change Asha’s name to Yara? Because I somewhat explicitly point out here how similar their names are. I guess when they read this they were like, “Oh hey. Those do sound similar. It might confuse fans. Let’s change one of their names.”
Random Iron Isles Guy: Uhh… Theon… are you narrating aloud on purpose or is this supposed to all be thoughts in your head? Because you sound like a crazy guy now.
Theon: SILENCE! Now to go to the courtyard and interrogate the castle folk.
Theon goes to the courtyard, where all the men and women of Wniterfell are assembled. "Reek" is there too.
Theon: Okay, someone here spill the beans or I’ll have to start killing people.
"Reek:" Prince Greyjoy! Those bog people are gone too. That pot smoker Jojen and his sister, Meera. They must be involved in the disappearance of the Stark boys. No horses were taken though. Oh yeah, and Hodor’s also one. Figured he was worth mentioning.
Theon: Ah! Then they are on foot. That’s good. Easier to catch. Now townspeople, tell me where they went!
Townspeople: Nah.
Reek: You know, I used to work for Ramsay Snow, son of Lord Bolton. I’m not him though.
Theon: I never said you were him.
Reek: Yeah, yeah. Sure. But let’s just hypothetically say I WAS him though.
Theon: Well, you’re not. You’re Reek.
Reek: Right, of course. But just some role-playing here… pretend I am Ramsay Snow. If I were him, then I would tell you that you should flay these townspeople the way the Boltons flayed their prisoners in the old days. Tear their skins off and crucify them upsidedown.
Theon: Creepy. I’m not sure I like this role-playing thing you’re doing, Reek, who is totally not just Ramsay Snow in disguise.
Reek: Oh come on, it’s fun. You try it!
Theon: Like how? You want me to pretend to be you or something?
Reek: Hrm. Not a bad idea. Theon as the next Reek. Hrmmmmmmmm.
“Reek” writes that down in his notebook.
Theon: ANYWAY… I’m going to conscript a bunch of you to be huntsman with me. Let’s get those dogs and go off to the woods, looking for those Stark boys! Maester Luwin, you join us too.
Luwin: What? Why?
Theon: *shrugs*
Kid Noise: I WANT TO JOIN TOO!
Theon: Who the hell are you?
Little Walder Frey: Hey, I’m one of the two Frey kids. You know, Walder and Walder. I’m the fat one and I hate the Starks. I want to help hunt them too.
Theon: Sure, whatever. I’ll take what I can get.
And so Theon and company go off hunting for the Stark kids. Their dogs follow the scent of the wolves north.
Theon: Haha! These dogs are catching up to them. We’ll have them soon!
Luwin: Theon, I implore you to have mercy on the boys. You know how important they will be as hostages, right? And the Reed kids as well. They’re worth much more alive than dead.
Theon: Hrm, good points. I’ll spare them if I can. And that Hodor guy, because I love his eloquent speaking skills so much. But that Osha girl… I’ll have no mercy on her! Because she reminds me of my sister who I have really messed up feelings and emotions about.
Luwin: Yes, and you’re generally a misogynist and asshole.
Theon: Correct.
And so they continue to follow the smell train of the wolves when they hit a river. But then the scent diverges to a path that he knows the boys couldn’t have gone. But the wolves could have.
Theon: DAMNIT! The wolves obviously separated from the kids at some point. We’ve been following the wrong trail. Plus it seems like the wolves might have doubled back somewhere. CRAP! CRAP! CRAP!
Theon orders his men to go backwards. They search and search and search. And find nothing.
Little Walder: You know, those nasty frog eaters have magic. They’re probably using that magic to hide.
Theon: Shut up you fat little bitch, nobody believes that.
Luwin: Actually, Theon. He’s fairly close to the truth These crannogmen have a deep connection to nature. It’s said they are related to the children of the forest. They likely have secret knowledge that could help them evade us.
Theon: FUUUUUUUCK AGAIN! It’s almost nightfall. If I go back to Winterfell without those boys, I’ll be a laughing stock! I need to find them.
Reek: Oh Theon, Prince Theon! I bet I know where those kids are hiding. At the old mill by the Acorn Water. You know, where that Miller and his wife live with their two kids.
Theon: Oh right. I once banged that Miller’s wife when the Miller was away. She’s sort of hot. Why would you think that Bran and Rickon are at the Acorn Water?
Reek: *ahem*… You know. Those two boys. Who are, coincidentally, about the same age as Bran and Rickon.
Theon: Right. I know the Miller and his wife have two kids. What does that have to do with the Stark kids?
Reek: *sigh* Check this out!
Reek shows Theon something he’s been hiding in his bag – a wolfshead brooch, an article of clothes that the Stark boys often wear.
Theon: So? You have one of their brooches. Big deal.
Reek: Oh man, Theon. You’re a bit slow. TWO KIDS. THE SAME AGES AS BRAN AND RICKON. And we know exactly where those two boys are.
Theon: Still not following.
Reek: See, this is why everybody hates you, Theon.
No comments:
Post a Comment