And now, the epic conclusion! Dany continues to wander through the House of Undying, seeing strange visions. Are they real? Or are they result of a gallon of PCP that a dwarf made her drink before entering the room?
Dany: I bet it's the PCP.
Yeah. Probabaly.
ANYWAY... Dany has just confronted a false vision of the warlock, Pyat Pree, who tried to lead her the wrong way. But she didn't fall for that and instead turned to the right. The fake Pree crumbled to dust and died. There. Enough recap for you?
Dany now goes up a flight of stairs and then through the next door on the right. There, she finds a bunch of warlocks wearing beautiful, beautiful clothes. Robes. Velvet. Armor studded with gemstones. Tall, pointed hats with stars on them.
Dany: Tall, pointed hats with stars on them? Wait... you mean like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia?
Drogon then jumps off of Dany's shoulder and starts biting at a door. He squawks a few times.
Dany: OH SHIT! You're right, Drogon. That was another trick! I may not know the Dragon language, but I know Dragon sass when I see it! I'll go through this door on the right, instead. They were trying to hide this one to the right behind a Japanese Byōbu folding screen.
She goes to the right. There she finds a stone table. A rotting human heart floats above it in the air. A number of 7'1" tall shadows then emerge and begin to talk.
Dany: Yikes. This is the craziest thing yet. This is a full-on Frida Kahlo painting now.
We'll give Dany a pass on this one. She's not an adult yet, even though she's been raped, married, pregant, had a stillborn child, and been widowed. But it's been a rough Teen Mom childhood for her.
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Yeah, solid theories.]
Dany: Next is the mounts I must ride. I'm going to guess that that's probably supposed to be taken sexually, huh? Like three people I either have or am going to copulate with? Since I've only been with one man so far, I'm not sure how to take that. Or maybe the riding could literally refer to riding animals. Like that horse of mine. Or one of these Dragons that I'll ride when I get bigger.
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Hrmm, probably not enough information at this point. We'll have to come back and address this one later.]
Dany: And last... the three treasons. The blood one is definitely Miri Maaz Duur again, because that bitch betrayed me with blood magic. But the gold and love betrayals? I don't know anything about those!
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Come on Mommy, figure it out! The gold one is obviously Jorah!]
Dany: Oh, Drogon! Your baby roars are so cute. I wish I could understand what you were saying.
Suddenly then, Viserys appears before her. It's actually Viserys this time. Not Rhaegar. Molten gold flows down his face, which melts off.
Dany: AGH! That's super creepy to see again.
A tall lord with copper skin and silver-gold hair stands beneath the banner of a fiery stallion, with a city burning behind him.
Dany: Well that one is my son, if he had lived and grown up. What a handsome man!
Rubies then fly like drops of blood from the chest of a dying prince, and he sinks to his knees in the water. With his dying breath, he begins to murmur the name of the woman he loves.
Dany: Oh! Rubies falling from a chest! That's Rhaegar again! At the Ruby Ford when the usurper, Robert, smashed him in the chest with his war hammer. That's probably the EASIEST vision yet! And the name he's going to say is clearly his wife, Eli--
Glowing like sunset, a red sword is raised in the hand of a blue-eyed king who casts no shadow.
Dany: Stannis.
A cloth dragon sways on poles amidst a cheering crowd.
Dany: Probably Faegon/Young Griff. We'll have to wait a few books to find out for sure.
From a smoking tower, a great stone beast awakens and spreads its wings and breaths fire.
Dany: Oh cool! Is Dragonstone actually made out of Dragons or something? Let's see if Melisandre looks into that theory further.
A corpse stands at the prow of a ship, eyes bright in his dead face, and his grey lips smiling sadly.
Dany: Probably Jon Connington. Same as Faegon above though. To be determined.
A blue flower grows from a chink in a wall of ice, and fills the air with sweetness.
Dany: Lyanna again.
Shadows whirl and danced inside a tent, boneless and terrible.
Dany: Miri Maaz Duur's blood magic.
A little girl runs barefoot toward a big house with a red door.
Dany: Me as a kid in Braavos back in the Willem Darry days. As explained earlier this chapter. Are these supposed to be getting easier?
Mirri Maz Duur shrieks in the flames, and a dragon bursts out from her brow.
Dany: Do I need to explain this one? The pyre. Mirri dies. My dragons are born. Duh.
Behind a silver horse, the bloody corpse of a naked man bounces.
Dany: That wine seller who tried to poison me. That's what Drogo did to him.
A white lion runs through the grass, taller than a man.
Dany: Well, if we're being literal... that lion that Drogo killed for me to give me his pelt. Or if we're being symbolic... something to do with a Lannister? Tyrion? I dunno. But Tyrion is shorter than a man, rather than taller. Tough one.
Beneath the Mother of Mountains, a line of naked crones creeps up from a great lake and kneel shivering before her.
Dany: The Dosh Khaleen. But that didn't happen when I last met them. So maybe in the future?
Ten thousand slaves lift their hands up and cheer for her, crying out, "Mother!"
Dany: Yunkai. Also future.
The shadows and visions then turn darker, and begin to pull Dany in. They attack her. But Dany is transfixed and she can't do anything.
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Okay, enough of this vision shit. I'm done.]
Drogon takes a deep breath and then opens his mouth. FUCKING FIRE COMES OUT, PEOPLE. FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He burns the rotting, floating heart. It starts to get extra crispy and Drogon starts tearing at it with this teeth. It's probably not that delicious, but whatever.
Dany snaps out of whatever trance she was in.
Dany: Oh, snap! Thanks Drogon. That was awesome with that fire shit, by the way. Totally sweet. Now let's get the hell out of here!
They begin to make a run for it. The whole place starts shaking like the entire House of the Undead is going to fall apart. The place sets on fire. But they successfully make it out.
When they reach outside... Pyatt Pree is hopping on one foot and chanting some dark magic shit. He then senses something is wrong and opens his eyes.
Pyat Pree: What the hell?! Bitch, you were supposed to die in there! WHATEVER! I'll do it myself.
He pulls out a knife and lunges at her.
Drogon flies up in the air and starts attacking him. Then Jhogo comes around the corner and cracks his whip. It hits Pree right in the hand and catches him. Dany gets all faint-ey and starts to pass out.
The next thing she knows, she opens her eyes and is being held by Ser Jorah.
Dany: Wait... is that a boner I feel against my back?
Jorah: Uhhhhhhh... no?
Dany: So much for "House of the Undying" though, right? I mean it burnt to the ground and I'm pretty sure I killed them all.
Dany: I bet it's the PCP.
Yeah. Probabaly.
ANYWAY... Dany has just confronted a false vision of the warlock, Pyat Pree, who tried to lead her the wrong way. But she didn't fall for that and instead turned to the right. The fake Pree crumbled to dust and died. There. Enough recap for you?
Dany now goes up a flight of stairs and then through the next door on the right. There, she finds a bunch of warlocks wearing beautiful, beautiful clothes. Robes. Velvet. Armor studded with gemstones. Tall, pointed hats with stars on them.
Dany: Tall, pointed hats with stars on them? Wait... you mean like Mickey Mouse in Fantasia?
Warlock: Come, Dany. Come and share our food with us forever. It's from Whole Foods.Dany: Ah, yeah. It was unnecessary to mention that. Trust me, I noticed. You thirst AF for attention.
Lady Warlock: Yes, come. And look at my perfect breast, hanging out of my shirt.
King Warlock: We knew you were coming. For it was prophesied a thousand years ago!Dany: Sure, sounds legit.
Warrior Warlock: We have great knowledge to share with you. And magical weapons. Magical weapons are pretty cool, right? Just come through this door on the left with us and you can see them.
Drogon then jumps off of Dany's shoulder and starts biting at a door. He squawks a few times.
Handsome Warlock: Want to know what he's saying? I can teach you the dragon language!But Drogon turns around and gives Dany that universal "Nah, girl" head shake.
Dany: OH SHIT! You're right, Drogon. That was another trick! I may not know the Dragon language, but I know Dragon sass when I see it! I'll go through this door on the right, instead. They were trying to hide this one to the right behind a Japanese Byōbu folding screen.
She goes to the right. There she finds a stone table. A rotting human heart floats above it in the air. A number of 7'1" tall shadows then emerge and begin to talk.
Dany: Yikes. This is the craziest thing yet. This is a full-on Frida Kahlo painting now.
Shadows: Mother of Dragons, we are the shape of shadows. We are the morrows not made. Place the cool icyness on you. Place the warm hotness on you. Icy Hot.Dany: Waaait a minute... are you just Shaq again?
Shaqdows: Uhh... no. Of course we are not not. Mother of dragons. Child of three.Dany: Wait... whut? Child of three? There goes that "three" shit again. I'm actually the youngest child of SEVEN. My dad and mom did it a lot. Some of it was rape. There is Rhaegar, of course. Then Shaena (stillborn), Daeron (lived a year and a half), Aegon (lived less than a year), Jaehaerys (ditto), Viserys (you remember him, my husband melted his face with gold), and then me. So does the three refer to Rhaehar, Viserys and me? You know... the ones that lived until adulthood?
We'll give Dany a pass on this one. She's not an adult yet, even though she's been raped, married, pregant, had a stillborn child, and been widowed. But it's been a rough Teen Mom childhood for her.
Shaqdows: Three heads has the dragon. Mother of Dragons. Child of Storm.Dany: From X-Men?
Shaqdows: Three fires must you light... one for life, one for death, and one to love. Three mounts must you ride... one to bed, one to dread, and one to love. Three treasons will you know... one for blood, one for gold, and one for love.Dany: Yikes. There is a lot to decompress in that, huh? Let me try to figure all those riddles out. Okay. The fires one is straight forward enough. I lit that pyre. It was only one pyre, but I think it counts as all three. The life part is the life it gave to my dragons. The death part is the death of Miri Maaz Duur. And then the love part is for my husband, Drogo.
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Yeah, solid theories.]
Dany: Next is the mounts I must ride. I'm going to guess that that's probably supposed to be taken sexually, huh? Like three people I either have or am going to copulate with? Since I've only been with one man so far, I'm not sure how to take that. Or maybe the riding could literally refer to riding animals. Like that horse of mine. Or one of these Dragons that I'll ride when I get bigger.
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Hrmm, probably not enough information at this point. We'll have to come back and address this one later.]
Dany: And last... the three treasons. The blood one is definitely Miri Maaz Duur again, because that bitch betrayed me with blood magic. But the gold and love betrayals? I don't know anything about those!
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Come on Mommy, figure it out! The gold one is obviously Jorah!]
Dany: Oh, Drogon! Your baby roars are so cute. I wish I could understand what you were saying.
Suddenly then, Viserys appears before her. It's actually Viserys this time. Not Rhaegar. Molten gold flows down his face, which melts off.
Dany: AGH! That's super creepy to see again.
A tall lord with copper skin and silver-gold hair stands beneath the banner of a fiery stallion, with a city burning behind him.
Dany: Well that one is my son, if he had lived and grown up. What a handsome man!
Rubies then fly like drops of blood from the chest of a dying prince, and he sinks to his knees in the water. With his dying breath, he begins to murmur the name of the woman he loves.
Dany: Oh! Rubies falling from a chest! That's Rhaegar again! At the Ruby Ford when the usurper, Robert, smashed him in the chest with his war hammer. That's probably the EASIEST vision yet! And the name he's going to say is clearly his wife, Eli--
Rhaegar: --Lyanna!Dany: Ah. That was unexpected.
Glowing like sunset, a red sword is raised in the hand of a blue-eyed king who casts no shadow.
Dany: Stannis.
A cloth dragon sways on poles amidst a cheering crowd.
Dany: Probably Faegon/Young Griff. We'll have to wait a few books to find out for sure.
From a smoking tower, a great stone beast awakens and spreads its wings and breaths fire.
Dany: Oh cool! Is Dragonstone actually made out of Dragons or something? Let's see if Melisandre looks into that theory further.
A corpse stands at the prow of a ship, eyes bright in his dead face, and his grey lips smiling sadly.
Dany: Probably Jon Connington. Same as Faegon above though. To be determined.
A blue flower grows from a chink in a wall of ice, and fills the air with sweetness.
Dany: Lyanna again.
Shadows whirl and danced inside a tent, boneless and terrible.
Dany: Miri Maaz Duur's blood magic.
A little girl runs barefoot toward a big house with a red door.
Dany: Me as a kid in Braavos back in the Willem Darry days. As explained earlier this chapter. Are these supposed to be getting easier?
Mirri Maz Duur shrieks in the flames, and a dragon bursts out from her brow.
Dany: Do I need to explain this one? The pyre. Mirri dies. My dragons are born. Duh.
Behind a silver horse, the bloody corpse of a naked man bounces.
Dany: That wine seller who tried to poison me. That's what Drogo did to him.
A white lion runs through the grass, taller than a man.
Dany: Well, if we're being literal... that lion that Drogo killed for me to give me his pelt. Or if we're being symbolic... something to do with a Lannister? Tyrion? I dunno. But Tyrion is shorter than a man, rather than taller. Tough one.
Beneath the Mother of Mountains, a line of naked crones creeps up from a great lake and kneel shivering before her.
Dany: The Dosh Khaleen. But that didn't happen when I last met them. So maybe in the future?
Ten thousand slaves lift their hands up and cheer for her, crying out, "Mother!"
Dany: Yunkai. Also future.
The shadows and visions then turn darker, and begin to pull Dany in. They attack her. But Dany is transfixed and she can't do anything.
Drogon: *baby roar* [Translation: Okay, enough of this vision shit. I'm done.]
Drogon takes a deep breath and then opens his mouth. FUCKING FIRE COMES OUT, PEOPLE. FIRE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He burns the rotting, floating heart. It starts to get extra crispy and Drogon starts tearing at it with this teeth. It's probably not that delicious, but whatever.
Dany snaps out of whatever trance she was in.
Dany: Oh, snap! Thanks Drogon. That was awesome with that fire shit, by the way. Totally sweet. Now let's get the hell out of here!
They begin to make a run for it. The whole place starts shaking like the entire House of the Undead is going to fall apart. The place sets on fire. But they successfully make it out.
When they reach outside... Pyatt Pree is hopping on one foot and chanting some dark magic shit. He then senses something is wrong and opens his eyes.
Pyat Pree: What the hell?! Bitch, you were supposed to die in there! WHATEVER! I'll do it myself.
He pulls out a knife and lunges at her.
Drogon flies up in the air and starts attacking him. Then Jhogo comes around the corner and cracks his whip. It hits Pree right in the hand and catches him. Dany gets all faint-ey and starts to pass out.
The next thing she knows, she opens her eyes and is being held by Ser Jorah.
Dany: Wait... is that a boner I feel against my back?
Jorah: Uhhhhhhh... no?
Dany: So much for "House of the Undying" though, right? I mean it burnt to the ground and I'm pretty sure I killed them all.
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