Tyrion: Sorry Macho, it’s been real. But it’s time for your recurring joke character to leave.
Macho Man: OOOHHH YEAH. NO WAIT. THE MA-CHO MAN MEANS “OH NO!” WHAT YOU DOING, HALF-MAN?
Tyrion: Well, that whole “Tyrion has Vale Clansmen following him around” plot was good for a hot minute. But now I’ve got to send the rest of you off to terrorize and raid Stannis’s forces. That’s just how it’s got to be.
Macho Man: BUT THAT WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NOBODY TO PROTECT YOU EXCEPT FOR BRONN AND HIS SELLSWORDS.
Tyrion: True. Whose loyalty will turn instantly if we lose. And I also have the totally unreliable City Watch as well. I get that it sucks. I’m not happy about it either. But that’s just how the story goes because GRRM has straight up run out of ideas for what to do with you guys.
Macho Man: GOODBYE LITTLE HORNSWAGGLE!
Macho Man then ascends to heaven.
Tyrion: Weird. Now… moving on…
Someone throws a fish at Tyrion.
Tyrion: Gross. Anyway, Bronn. Burn this entire slum down.
Bronn: That’s a pretty harsh reaction to a person throwing a fish at you.
Tyrion: No, not as revenge for the fish. I don’t care about the fish. But all these shanty houses along the quay will make it easier for Stannis’s men to climb the walls when they attack. If we destroy the houses… we harm Stannis’s chances of a successful invasion.
And a successful invasion of a city is on Tyrion’s mind right now. He just got word about the fall of Winterfell to that lame-ass Greyjoy kid.
Tyrion: Man, I’m kind of torn here. On one hand, I thought those Starks were pretty cool people and it’s totally odd that they don’t control Winterfell anymore. But on the other hand, we’re kind of at war with them. And the fall of Winterfell will mean that Robb Stark will have to turn his forces around to take back his home rather than fight us.
Later, back at the Red Keep, Tyrion has to attend a boring-ass ceremony where the (new, non-murdered) High Septon and Joffrey make Osmond Kettleblack and Balon Swann the newest members of the Kingsguard.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, right. Because Preston Greenfield got beaten to death. And Boros Blount… well… that punk ass totally ran like a scared little bitch when I had Jacelyn Bywater take Tommen captive to protect him. Cersei didn’t like that, and so she had Blount put in the dungeons. Which is cool with me because Blount is awful. This Swann guy seems like he might be good. But Kettleblack? What a waste of space. He’s the worst. I guess the only good thing about him is that he sells everyone out that he works with. And so, like with Lancel, he’s a double agent working for myself in addition to Cersei and she doesn’t know it.
After the ceremony is done, Tyrion goes up to then new High Septon.
Tyrion: Hey, you should tell everybody that Stannis plans to burn the Great Sept of Baelor if he takes the city.
High Septon: WHAT?! Is that true? Where did you get your intel from?
Tyrion: Hey man. It might be true, it might not. So far everywhere he’s been he’s burned the septs to the seven as well as the godswoods. He’d probably do it here too. All for that red god of his. The people here really like their gods, so telling them Stannis plans to do this will keep them on our side. You do want them on our side, right? Rather than turning on us and killing us like the mob did to the last High Septon, right?
High Septon: Ah. Got it. So I’ll tell everyone.
Next Tyrion moves on to other business. He gets a letter from Balon Greyjoy, offering an alliance in return for giving up the North to him.
Tyrion: Nah.
And after that, Tyrion meets with Hallyne the Pyromancer from the Alchemists’ Guild.
Tyrion: So how is that wildfire going, huh? You guys got enough of it yet?
Hallyne: Ah, erm… yeah. About that, Lord Hand. You see… we actually are way AHEAD of schedule.
Tyrion: Well then tell your men to speed up the—wait… whaaaaaaaaaaat? Did you say AHEAD of schedule?
Hallyne: Yes. We found some extra stockpiles laying around. So that was good. But more importantly, the magic spells we are using to make the wildfire are simply working better now than they ever did before.
Tyrion: Magic spells? You’re just trying to sound fancy, aren’t you? Your men are simply more practiced at making the wildfire now, so they’re getting better at it.
Hallyne: Ahm, maybe. Perhaps a little. But something is different now. Our secret spells have never been this potent before. The only reason I can logically think of why this is so, is if dragons have come back to the world. Old Wisdom Pollitor theorizes that the magic in the world started to die out when the last dragon died. But if dragons are back… well… You don’t suppose there are any dragons about, do you?
Tyrion: Highly unlikely. Okay. NEXT!
Tyrion’s rotating door of visitors keeps on going. Next up is Jacelyn Bywater.
Jacelyn: Lord Hand, Prince Tommen is safe and doing well in Rosby. If the city is to fall, I have plans to move Tommen somewhere else even safer.
Tyrion: Really? Where?
Jacelyn: You told me to tell you nothing of those plans before, Ser.
Tyrion: Yeah, well. I changed my mind. Where will Tommen be taken if Kings Landing falls?
Jacelyn: No, Lord Hand. I will not tell you. Is this some sort of test?
Tyrion: HAH! See… you’re going places, Jacelyn. Good job. Yes, it was a test. And you passed. Okay. NEXTTTTT!!!!
Varys: Next is me!
Tyrion: Oh. You’re not disguised as some shit this time, Varys? You’re just being yourself.
Varys: Yes.
Tyrion: What you got for me?
Varys: There is a group of merchant conspirators going around and calling themselves “the Antler Men” in support of the stag of House Baratheon and Stannis. Master Armorer Sallorean is part of the conspiracy. They plan to seize the old gate and let the enemy into the city.
Tyrion: What kind of treacherous assholes would open the gates of the city to their enemies and let them take it?
Varys: …
Tyrion: Hahaha, come on, Varys! Lighten up. I’m kidding with you. I know that’s EXACTLY what the Lannisters did in Robert’s Rebellion. Anyway. I guess round up the usual suspects and arrest them. I’ll write the order. I don’t like that Sallorean guy anyway. Remember he was the guy who annoyed me about how he was too good to work on my chain? Fuck that guy.
Macho Man: OOOHHH YEAH. NO WAIT. THE MA-CHO MAN MEANS “OH NO!” WHAT YOU DOING, HALF-MAN?
Tyrion: Well, that whole “Tyrion has Vale Clansmen following him around” plot was good for a hot minute. But now I’ve got to send the rest of you off to terrorize and raid Stannis’s forces. That’s just how it’s got to be.
Macho Man: BUT THAT WILL LEAVE YOU WITH NOBODY TO PROTECT YOU EXCEPT FOR BRONN AND HIS SELLSWORDS.
Tyrion: True. Whose loyalty will turn instantly if we lose. And I also have the totally unreliable City Watch as well. I get that it sucks. I’m not happy about it either. But that’s just how the story goes because GRRM has straight up run out of ideas for what to do with you guys.
Macho Man: GOODBYE LITTLE HORNSWAGGLE!
Macho Man then ascends to heaven.
Tyrion: Weird. Now… moving on…
Someone throws a fish at Tyrion.
Tyrion: Gross. Anyway, Bronn. Burn this entire slum down.
Bronn: That’s a pretty harsh reaction to a person throwing a fish at you.
Tyrion: No, not as revenge for the fish. I don’t care about the fish. But all these shanty houses along the quay will make it easier for Stannis’s men to climb the walls when they attack. If we destroy the houses… we harm Stannis’s chances of a successful invasion.
And a successful invasion of a city is on Tyrion’s mind right now. He just got word about the fall of Winterfell to that lame-ass Greyjoy kid.
Tyrion: Man, I’m kind of torn here. On one hand, I thought those Starks were pretty cool people and it’s totally odd that they don’t control Winterfell anymore. But on the other hand, we’re kind of at war with them. And the fall of Winterfell will mean that Robb Stark will have to turn his forces around to take back his home rather than fight us.
Later, back at the Red Keep, Tyrion has to attend a boring-ass ceremony where the (new, non-murdered) High Septon and Joffrey make Osmond Kettleblack and Balon Swann the newest members of the Kingsguard.
Tyrion: Oh yeah, right. Because Preston Greenfield got beaten to death. And Boros Blount… well… that punk ass totally ran like a scared little bitch when I had Jacelyn Bywater take Tommen captive to protect him. Cersei didn’t like that, and so she had Blount put in the dungeons. Which is cool with me because Blount is awful. This Swann guy seems like he might be good. But Kettleblack? What a waste of space. He’s the worst. I guess the only good thing about him is that he sells everyone out that he works with. And so, like with Lancel, he’s a double agent working for myself in addition to Cersei and she doesn’t know it.
After the ceremony is done, Tyrion goes up to then new High Septon.
Tyrion: Hey, you should tell everybody that Stannis plans to burn the Great Sept of Baelor if he takes the city.
High Septon: WHAT?! Is that true? Where did you get your intel from?
Tyrion: Hey man. It might be true, it might not. So far everywhere he’s been he’s burned the septs to the seven as well as the godswoods. He’d probably do it here too. All for that red god of his. The people here really like their gods, so telling them Stannis plans to do this will keep them on our side. You do want them on our side, right? Rather than turning on us and killing us like the mob did to the last High Septon, right?
High Septon: Ah. Got it. So I’ll tell everyone.
Next Tyrion moves on to other business. He gets a letter from Balon Greyjoy, offering an alliance in return for giving up the North to him.
Tyrion: Nah.
And after that, Tyrion meets with Hallyne the Pyromancer from the Alchemists’ Guild.
Tyrion: So how is that wildfire going, huh? You guys got enough of it yet?
Hallyne: Ah, erm… yeah. About that, Lord Hand. You see… we actually are way AHEAD of schedule.
Tyrion: Well then tell your men to speed up the—wait… whaaaaaaaaaaat? Did you say AHEAD of schedule?
Hallyne: Yes. We found some extra stockpiles laying around. So that was good. But more importantly, the magic spells we are using to make the wildfire are simply working better now than they ever did before.
Tyrion: Magic spells? You’re just trying to sound fancy, aren’t you? Your men are simply more practiced at making the wildfire now, so they’re getting better at it.
Hallyne: Ahm, maybe. Perhaps a little. But something is different now. Our secret spells have never been this potent before. The only reason I can logically think of why this is so, is if dragons have come back to the world. Old Wisdom Pollitor theorizes that the magic in the world started to die out when the last dragon died. But if dragons are back… well… You don’t suppose there are any dragons about, do you?
Tyrion: Highly unlikely. Okay. NEXT!
Tyrion’s rotating door of visitors keeps on going. Next up is Jacelyn Bywater.
Jacelyn: Lord Hand, Prince Tommen is safe and doing well in Rosby. If the city is to fall, I have plans to move Tommen somewhere else even safer.
Tyrion: Really? Where?
Jacelyn: You told me to tell you nothing of those plans before, Ser.
Tyrion: Yeah, well. I changed my mind. Where will Tommen be taken if Kings Landing falls?
Jacelyn: No, Lord Hand. I will not tell you. Is this some sort of test?
Tyrion: HAH! See… you’re going places, Jacelyn. Good job. Yes, it was a test. And you passed. Okay. NEXTTTTT!!!!
Varys: Next is me!
Tyrion: Oh. You’re not disguised as some shit this time, Varys? You’re just being yourself.
Varys: Yes.
Tyrion: What you got for me?
Varys: There is a group of merchant conspirators going around and calling themselves “the Antler Men” in support of the stag of House Baratheon and Stannis. Master Armorer Sallorean is part of the conspiracy. They plan to seize the old gate and let the enemy into the city.
Tyrion: What kind of treacherous assholes would open the gates of the city to their enemies and let them take it?
Varys: …
Tyrion: Hahaha, come on, Varys! Lighten up. I’m kidding with you. I know that’s EXACTLY what the Lannisters did in Robert’s Rebellion. Anyway. I guess round up the usual suspects and arrest them. I’ll write the order. I don’t like that Sallorean guy anyway. Remember he was the guy who annoyed me about how he was too good to work on my chain? Fuck that guy.
No comments:
Post a Comment