Sunday, March 18, 2018

ACoK 47: Arya IX

Arya is in the kitchens, annoying the shit out of Hot Pie (per usual). 

Arya: Lemme eat them tarts.

Hot Pie: No! They're not for you. I made the correct amount of them and if any are missing...

Arya: *snatches one and eats it anyway*

Hot Pie: Goddamn it.

Suddenly, a horn blows. This horn indicates the return of soldiers.

Arya: I gotta see who this is!

And so Arya leaves and heads to the main gate of Harrenhal. 

Hot Pie: Oh, thank the gods she's gone.

At the main gate... it's the Bloody Mummers / Brave Companions.

Arya: Oh. Just them? Lame. I thought it would be cool, interesting characters.

Vargo Hoat: Whath?! Thaths not nithce! I am an inthresththing charather!

Arya: No, you're really not. Having a speech impediment doesn't make you interesting.

Then the castellan of Harrenhal, Amory Lorch, comes out. As you might recall, he's not particularly good friends with Hoat. 

Amory: Ugh. You're coming back? And alive? Lame. 

Vargo: I havth won a batthle and come withsh capthithves!

Amory: You come with what?

Vargo: Capthithves.

Amory: I still don't follow.

Vargo: CAPTHITHVES!

Arya: I think he's saying "captives."

Amory: Ah, right.

And so they see a bunch of new prisoners, including Robett Glover and Aenys Frey. These are all men loyal to Arya's brother, Robb.

Vargo: I havth won a greath victhory! Rooth Bolthon and histh men havth fled in feyer of me! I havth promished theve capthithves good threathment!

Amory: What was that? You promised the prisoners good treatment?

Vargo: Yeth!

Amory: Whatever. Have them chained up and thrown in the dungeon.

Vargo: WHAT?! WHAT?! BUT I PROMITHED THEM!

Amory: Yeah. So? I'm the Castellan here, so I run this shit. HAHAHA, FUCK YOU, HOAT!

Robett Glover: Good treatment or locked in chains? Who cares! I'm just glad to be mentioned as a character here again like I deserve to be. I don't even show up in the TV series until Season 6, and even then I'm only a minor, supporting character.

Aenys Frey: You think you have it bad? I'm left out of the TV show completely. I'm book-only. And at least when you show up in the show, you get to be played by acclaimed British actor, Tim McInnerny. He was Percy Percy in Blackadder, you know!

Robett: You honestly have to be book-only though. I mean just look at your name. How would they be able to say that on TV? I can only see one way to pronounce it, and that's "Anus."

Aenys: NO! I bet it could be, "Ah-Knees," or even "Ah-Knee-Us." 

And so Robett, Anus, and the rest of the Stark-loyal bannermen are shoved off to the prisoners. 

Arya wanders off.

Arya: Hahaha, Anus Frey!  That's pretty funny. I'm so glad that all those other Lannister men left this place. And now that Weese is dead, his replacement Pinkeye is super easy to trick. I pretty much have free run of this place now. There are only a few hundred soldiers here, rather than thousands.

That gets Arya thinking.

Arya: Hrmmmm... you know... the Lannister men here are very much outnumbered, now that all these Stark prisoners have been taken. If I could just find a way to free the prisoners, I bet we could beat the Lannisters and take back Harrenhal! Let me tell this idea to Gendry. I bet he'll be up for it. Also, I want to stare at him some more. God, I hope he's shirtless.

Arya goes to the forge and tells her plan to Gendry. 

Gendry: No.

Arya: WHAT?!

Gendry: Your plan is stupid and will never work.

Arya: Yes it can! Don't you want to be free?

Gendry: What do you mean? I'm a blacksmith. I do the same work no matter who holds this castle. Quite frankly, I don't care which banner flies over it.

Arya: But... but... the Lannisters tried to have you killed. Remember? Queen Cersei wanted you dead!

Gendry: Whatever. Cersei ain't here. Nobody here even knows I'm that dude Cersei was looking for. I've started a new, happy life for myself. I don't need you ruining it.

Arya angrily storms off. 

Arya: Who else can I turn to in order to help me? I mean I guess I could talk to Jaqen. But that guy is creepy. How did he even kill Weese? He made his loyal dog turn on him. It must have been some crazy black magic shit. Besides, if I ask my third and last kill wish on him, then all my wishes will be done and then I'll go back to being not special.  No, I can't ask Jaqen. I need to take care of this MYSELF!

So Arya then goes to the godswood and practices with her wooden sword. She'll become a fighter and fight her way out of this! And since the godswood is also a place where people from the North pray, she does a little bit of that prayer shit too. 

Jaqen H'ghar: A man would be happy if a girl could get her three kill wishes over with so a man could move on with his life.

Arya: AGGH! Jaqen! How did you find me here?

Jaqen: A man knows that a girl is from the North. A girl is Arya Stark of Winterfell. A girl is very obvious.

Arya: Oh shit. You know who I am? When did this happen? Anyway, you have to kill WHOEVER I say, right?

Jaqen: Yes.

Arya: No matter who it is, right? Even if it's a king?

Jaqen: Yes. Is it Joffrey that a girl wishes to say? Because a man can kill Joffrey. Just say it.

Arya: Okay... the name I want to say is...

Jaqen: *waiting in deep anticipation, happy that this shit will finally be over*

Arya: ...  Jaqen H'ghar!!!

Jaqen: WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!

Arya: Hahaha, didn't see that coming, did you?

Jaqen: A girl knows she could have just ended a book series a lot earlier and saved many lives if she had said, "Joffrey," correct?

Arya: Meh. 

Jaqen: A girl should not tease a man so!

Arya: That sounds exactly like the defense a pedophile would use.

Jaqen: A girl should take a name back and not be cruel! A girl should not lose the only friend she has!

Arya: If you were REALLY my friend then you would help me out.

Jaqen: A girl would take her friend's name back if a friend helped her?

Arya: Yes. I will un-say your name and name another one.

Jaqen: Then a man will help! What does a girl need help with?

Arya: Help me free all these Stark prisoners that were just brought in, so that we can take over Harrenhal.

Jaqen: Ah, a man believes that will be easy as fuck. For a castle is guarded with many sellswords who flip allegiances on a dime.

Arya: What's a dime?

Jaqen: Uh... a man means a "copper Halfgroat." Now, a girl shall go to the kitchens and tell them that their lord needs a bunch of large, boiling pots of broth. A girl will wait for a man to show up.

Arya:  Sweet. We're doing this RIGHT NOW then?

Jaqen: Yes.

Arya runs off to the kitchen. 

Hot Pie: Damnit. You're back again?

Cook: What do you want, girl?

Arya: The lord commands a bunch of large, boiling pots of broth.

Cook: The Lord like God, or the lord of this castle?

Arya: The latter, I assume. Although if I say the former, will you get it done quicker?

Cook: No. Because I'm not doing it.

Just then, Jaqen shows up with Rorge and Biter. 

Arya: Eww. These two are part of the plot too? I hate them.

Hot Pie: What plot?

Arya: Uhhh... I mean--

Jaqen: --A man needs to bring four kettles of broth down to the dungeons, to feed the guards.

Cook: No way! Why am I only hearing about this now?

Jaqen: A cook will be bitchslapped if he does not comply.

Cook: Oh, well in that case... take them, then.

Arya goes down with Jaqen, Rorge and Biter to the dungeons where the new Stark prisoners are being held. 

Guard: Mmm! Some boiling hot broth! That's, like, my favorite food!

And then they throw the boiling hot broth in the guards' faces. 

Guards: AGHHH! AGHHH!! OUR FACES ARE MELTING OFF LIKE IN INDIANA JONES!

Jaqen, Rorge and Biter then start killing off the guards as the writhe around in pain, one by one. It's pretty brutal. Usually something a small girl would be horrified to see. But by now, Arya's emotional scar tissue leaves her numb to everything. She doesn't even bat an eye. 

Rorge takes the keys from a dead guard and unlocks the prison cells. 

Robett: I thank you so much for your help. Are you guys Vargo Hoat's men?

Rorge: We are now, Lord Percy Percy.  Here, have some of these dead guards' weapons.

Jaqen: A man is Jaqen H'ghar. His companions are Rorge and Biter. A castle can easily be taken and Vargo Hoat will be happy to help a man overthrow Amory Lorch.

Arya: ...And I'm Ary--

Jaqen: --A girl is named Weasel and a man need pay no attention to her. 

Robett: Great! Okay everybody... LET'S STORM THE CASTLE!

And so they all run up with newly acquired weapons, and take over the castle. The North wins, with the help of the Brave Companions.

Arya: Wow, that happened super fast.

Jaqen: A girl will take back a man's name now?

Arya: Okay, yes. I take back your name.

Jaqen: *whew*

Arya: But I can still get another name, right?

Jaqen: A girl should not be greedy! Look!

Jaqen points at the dozens upon dozens of dead bodies laying around everywhere. 

Jaqen: These dead... they are because of a girl. A girl did this. A girl got her third kill and fourth and fifth and sixth and so on. The debt is repaid.

Arya: Fine. *sigh* Whatever.

Jaqen: And now, a man too must die.

Arya: Huh? Say what now? But I just took back your name.

Jaqen's hand passes over his face and his face completely changes. Now he looks like a totally different guy. Now he's young, with black hair, and has a slight scar on his right cheek.  REMEMBER THIS FOR LATER, PEOPLE. THERE WILL BE A QUIZ!

Arya: HOLY SHIT! THAT IS SWEET! TEACH ME HOW TO DO IT!

Jaqen: A man can teach a girl if she comes across the narrow sea with him, far away to Braavos. For that is where a man must return.

Arya: Nah. Across the sea? That sounds like a pretty big commitment. Maybe in, like, a few books or something.

Jaqen: Fine. If a girl ever wishes to see a man again, then take this coin here *flips her coin* and hand it to any man from Braavos. Then say the words “valar morghulis.”

Arya: Any man from Braavos?

Jaqen: Yes.

Arya: Even fucking Tycho Nestoris? 

Jaqen: Well, no. Probably not Tycho Nestoris. But maybe. A man is not quite sure about that one.

Arya: Please don't go!

Jaqen: Nah, bish. 

And Jaqen flies away. Or something like that. 

The next day, Arya wakes up to her boss telling all his servants the official news of what happened. 

Pinkeye:  Well, I guess you've probably figured this all out by now, but Harrenhal is under new ownership. The Bloody Mummers killed all of Ser Amory's men. We have a new Lord of Harrenhal coming in this afternoon. That's about all the news I have. Unless any jesters want to prance around and add more to the story. 

Shagwell the Fool, Jester of Harrenhal: YES! For let me prance around and sing of how all the men here "died of Hot Weasel soup!" 

Arya: Oh wow. So it's getting around the castle that I'm the one who had everybody killed, huh? That's pretty sweet. I'm sort of a bad-ass legend here now. 

That evening, the gates of Harrenhal open once more, with the new Lord and Castellan of the castle arriving. 

Roose Bolton: HEY MOTHERFUCKERS, IT'S ME! ROOSE FUCKING BOLTON!

Arya: Yay! A man loyal to the Starks has taken over the castle! I'm so happy! 

Roose: Huh? What was that you said, little girl? Loyal to the Starks? Yes. Yes. Of course I am. Of course. Completely trustworthy. Yeeeeeees. 

Arya: Why are you talking like that? 

Roose: Talking like what? 

Arya: Oh, never mind.

Roose: Hey! Are you the one who everyone is talking about? Soup girl? The one who planned this whole shit to kill all the Lannisters? What's your name, girl? 

Arya, geeting a skeevy feeling off this guy, decides to not tell her the truth. 

Arya: It's "Nymeria."

Roose: Well, Nymeria. I name you my official cupbearer. 

Arya: Thanks? I guess. 

Arya watches as the Lannister banners go down, and they put up the banners of the Flayed Man of the Dreadfort and the Direwolf of House Stark.  The Bloody Mummers, having switched to team Bolton, bring out a naked Amory Lorch. 

Random Bloody Mummer: Hey, what do we do with this guy? 

Vargo Hoat: Oh, I havth an idea! Make fhun of my lithsp, will you? 

They then throw Lorch into a bear pit. The bear starts to eat him. 

Amory Lorch: AGHHHH!!!!! OH THIS SUCKS! BUT THEN AGAIN I'M THE GUY WHO KILLED YOREN, AS WELL AS WAS INVOLVED IN THE RAPE AND MURDER OF ELIA MARTELL AND HER CHILDREN WITH PRINCE RHAEGAR! SO YOU REALLY SHOULD HAVE SEEN MY DEMISE COMING! AGHHHH!!

He dead now.

Arya: This has got to rank up there as one of the most awesome days of my life. Don't you agree, Anus Frey?

Aenys: It's "Ah-Knees!" AH-KNEES!!!! 

Arya: Whatever, Anus. 

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