Bran is dreaming that he is Summer. And by "dreaming" I mean that he has travelled into Summer's body and is living his awesome Direwolf life.
Out in the godswood, Summer/Bran smells intruders coming. They smell like fish and ass. He howls to alert the sleeping Stark soliders inside the castle, but no one listens. Dumbasses.
Summer/Bran and Shaggydog run to the gate and try to break in.
*SLAM*
Summer/Bran: *woof* [Translation: Ouch! Well, that didn't work.]
Then, Bran hears a voice in his head. It tells him to climb up a giant tree that goes over the wall.
Bran remembers climbing that tree as a kid. He used to be such a good climber. Back in those days with the working legs and all.
Bran Half of Personality: Fuck yeah! I'm going to climb this tree.
Summer Half of Personality: NO FUCKING WAY! Wolves don't climb trees. That's some human shit there.
Bran Half: Nah, Summer. You're going to listen to me.
And so Summer/Bran climbs up the tree.
And immediately falls. Because wolves aren't tree climbers.
As Summer hits the ground, Bran wakes up and he's back in bed.
Bran: FUCK!
Jojen: WHOAAAA! Like, I knew it, dude! You're a beastling! Far out! You were totally one with the wolf! Just like I was one with this girl in a portable toilet back at the Altamont Free Concert.
Bran: Gross. But also your dream is starting to come true.
Jojen: Which dream? My dream of decriminalization of marijuana in the Seven Kingdoms?
Bran: No. The one about the water flooding through Winterfell and drowning us all. It's a metaphor for an attack. We're being attacked! I smelled the enemies coming when I was Summer. I better scream for help now. HELP! HELP!
But no help comes.
Bran: Oh right. Rodrick stripped all of our defenses bare so that he could go down and defend Torrhen's Square.
Bran's door then swings open.
Theon Greyjoy: GUESS WHO IT IS!!!!!! I'm back, little sort-of brother!
Bran: Oh, *whew*! It's you, Theon! Thank the gods you're here to protect us. Robb must have sent you. We're under attack!
Theon: Uhm, no. You're a little slow catching on, Bran. I'm the attacker.
Bran: Huh?
Theon: Me. Theon Greyjoy. I'm the one who's attacking Winterfell. I've, like, totally betrayed your brother and everything. I've rejoined team Iron Isles. My Ironmen swam the moat and unlocked the postern gate. Oh, and by the way... I'm a Prince now! Now... you, as Lord of Winterfell, will order all your men to stand down and serve me as Winterfell's new Lord.
Bran: Nah.
Theon: Well, you need to do that if you value the safety of everyone who lives here. Otherwise I'll, like, kill them. I'll give you a bit to think about it.
Theon leaves. Not long after, Maester Luwin comes in.
Bran: Holy shit, Luwin. Is this all true?
Luwin: Watch your mouth, Bran! You're an 8 year old kid. But yeah, we're pretty fucked. I can't believe we never saw this coming with Theon. I tried to send some birds out to warn everyone, but only the one sent to White Harbor was able to make it out.
Bran: So should I surrender Winterfell? That seems like a bitch move.
Luwin: There is no shame in yielding to protect your people.
Later, Theon gathers a bunch of prisoners including Bran, Rickon, etc in the Great Hall of Winterfell. Theon also brings in Reek, who they found in the dungeons.
Bran: Oh, JESUS that guy smells bad.
Theon: Listen up, all you bitches. The town is mine. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you--
Mikken: --SHUT UP, THEON! Nobody likes you.
Theon: What?! Mikken the fucking blacksmith is going to talk to me that way?
Mikken: Yep. Eat an entire bag of dicks, Theon.
Theon: Dude, I will kill you.
Mikken: Go ahead and try, you punk ass bitch.
Bran: No! Mikken! Stop! I yield! I yield, okay. The city now belongs to Theon.
Theon: Hahaha! Awesome! I guess you have to obey me now, Mikken. I have conquered the North!
Mikken: No. We'll never obey you, shitface. We will fight to the bitter end and--
--One of Theon's Ironmen drives a spear through Mikken's neck. He dies instantly, drowning in his own blood.
Bran: Oh, well... there goes Jojen's dream about Mikken "drowning" come true. SHIT.
Theon: Looks like the bitter end came pretty fast for you, person who helped raise me for 10 years. Easy come, easy go.
Hodor: Gosh golly! What a totally inappropriate and salacious action that just occurred! I will inform all the solicitors I can find about his horrendous event to ensure the full forces of the law are used in order to--
Theon: --WILL SOMEONE SHUT HODOR UP!?! Damn him and his constant eloquent talking style!
The Ironmen beat Hodor up until he's silent.
Theon: Torrhen’s Square and Deepwood Motte will soon be mine! Robb Stark may end up being the King of the Trident, but House Greyjoy rules the north!
Reek: Oh yes, Prince Theon! Truly you are a great ruler. I pledge my fealty to you.
Theon: Oh, you want to serve me? Great! But you need to take a bath first.
Osha then steps forward.
Osha: I pledge my fealty to you too, Greyjoy!
Theon: You? Why would I want YOU? You're a Stark kitchen slut. What would I do with you?
Osha: Kitchen slut? Obviously you're forgetting how we met. IN BATTLE.
Osha goes all "Black Window" and instantly takes out about four of Theon's men.
Theon: Impressive. Okay, you can be on Team Theon.
Bran: WHAT?! NO! OSHA, HOW COULD YOU?! This is awful! AWFUL! What the hell is happening here?!
Theon: Okay everyone, you're dismissed!!!
And so a sobbing Hodor picks up Bran and takes him away, so sad that he's unable to form any eloquent sentences or cite ancient Greek philosophers.
Out in the godswood, Summer/Bran smells intruders coming. They smell like fish and ass. He howls to alert the sleeping Stark soliders inside the castle, but no one listens. Dumbasses.
Summer/Bran and Shaggydog run to the gate and try to break in.
*SLAM*
Summer/Bran: *woof* [Translation: Ouch! Well, that didn't work.]
Then, Bran hears a voice in his head. It tells him to climb up a giant tree that goes over the wall.
Bran remembers climbing that tree as a kid. He used to be such a good climber. Back in those days with the working legs and all.
Bran Half of Personality: Fuck yeah! I'm going to climb this tree.
Summer Half of Personality: NO FUCKING WAY! Wolves don't climb trees. That's some human shit there.
Bran Half: Nah, Summer. You're going to listen to me.
And so Summer/Bran climbs up the tree.
And immediately falls. Because wolves aren't tree climbers.
As Summer hits the ground, Bran wakes up and he's back in bed.
Bran: FUCK!
Jojen: WHOAAAA! Like, I knew it, dude! You're a beastling! Far out! You were totally one with the wolf! Just like I was one with this girl in a portable toilet back at the Altamont Free Concert.
Bran: Gross. But also your dream is starting to come true.
Jojen: Which dream? My dream of decriminalization of marijuana in the Seven Kingdoms?
Bran: No. The one about the water flooding through Winterfell and drowning us all. It's a metaphor for an attack. We're being attacked! I smelled the enemies coming when I was Summer. I better scream for help now. HELP! HELP!
But no help comes.
Bran: Oh right. Rodrick stripped all of our defenses bare so that he could go down and defend Torrhen's Square.
Bran's door then swings open.
Theon Greyjoy: GUESS WHO IT IS!!!!!! I'm back, little sort-of brother!
Bran: Oh, *whew*! It's you, Theon! Thank the gods you're here to protect us. Robb must have sent you. We're under attack!
Theon: Uhm, no. You're a little slow catching on, Bran. I'm the attacker.
Bran: Huh?
Theon: Me. Theon Greyjoy. I'm the one who's attacking Winterfell. I've, like, totally betrayed your brother and everything. I've rejoined team Iron Isles. My Ironmen swam the moat and unlocked the postern gate. Oh, and by the way... I'm a Prince now! Now... you, as Lord of Winterfell, will order all your men to stand down and serve me as Winterfell's new Lord.
Bran: Nah.
Theon: Well, you need to do that if you value the safety of everyone who lives here. Otherwise I'll, like, kill them. I'll give you a bit to think about it.
Theon leaves. Not long after, Maester Luwin comes in.
Bran: Holy shit, Luwin. Is this all true?
Luwin: Watch your mouth, Bran! You're an 8 year old kid. But yeah, we're pretty fucked. I can't believe we never saw this coming with Theon. I tried to send some birds out to warn everyone, but only the one sent to White Harbor was able to make it out.
Bran: So should I surrender Winterfell? That seems like a bitch move.
Luwin: There is no shame in yielding to protect your people.
Later, Theon gathers a bunch of prisoners including Bran, Rickon, etc in the Great Hall of Winterfell. Theon also brings in Reek, who they found in the dungeons.
Bran: Oh, JESUS that guy smells bad.
Theon: Listen up, all you bitches. The town is mine. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you--
Mikken: --SHUT UP, THEON! Nobody likes you.
Theon: What?! Mikken the fucking blacksmith is going to talk to me that way?
Mikken: Yep. Eat an entire bag of dicks, Theon.
Theon: Dude, I will kill you.
Mikken: Go ahead and try, you punk ass bitch.
Bran: No! Mikken! Stop! I yield! I yield, okay. The city now belongs to Theon.
Theon: Hahaha! Awesome! I guess you have to obey me now, Mikken. I have conquered the North!
Mikken: No. We'll never obey you, shitface. We will fight to the bitter end and--
--One of Theon's Ironmen drives a spear through Mikken's neck. He dies instantly, drowning in his own blood.
Bran: Oh, well... there goes Jojen's dream about Mikken "drowning" come true. SHIT.
Theon: Looks like the bitter end came pretty fast for you, person who helped raise me for 10 years. Easy come, easy go.
Hodor: Gosh golly! What a totally inappropriate and salacious action that just occurred! I will inform all the solicitors I can find about his horrendous event to ensure the full forces of the law are used in order to--
Theon: --WILL SOMEONE SHUT HODOR UP!?! Damn him and his constant eloquent talking style!
The Ironmen beat Hodor up until he's silent.
Theon: Torrhen’s Square and Deepwood Motte will soon be mine! Robb Stark may end up being the King of the Trident, but House Greyjoy rules the north!
Reek: Oh yes, Prince Theon! Truly you are a great ruler. I pledge my fealty to you.
Theon: Oh, you want to serve me? Great! But you need to take a bath first.
Osha then steps forward.
Osha: I pledge my fealty to you too, Greyjoy!
Theon: You? Why would I want YOU? You're a Stark kitchen slut. What would I do with you?
Osha: Kitchen slut? Obviously you're forgetting how we met. IN BATTLE.
Osha goes all "Black Window" and instantly takes out about four of Theon's men.
Theon: Impressive. Okay, you can be on Team Theon.
Bran: WHAT?! NO! OSHA, HOW COULD YOU?! This is awful! AWFUL! What the hell is happening here?!
Theon: Okay everyone, you're dismissed!!!
And so a sobbing Hodor picks up Bran and takes him away, so sad that he's unable to form any eloquent sentences or cite ancient Greek philosophers.
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