DAVOS SEAWORTH TIME, BITCHES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111one
Davos: Well, I’m back from traveling all over the Seven Kingdoms, delivering the message from Stannis about how Joffrey is a shitty incest bastard. What happened while I was away?
Stannis: Oh, nothing much. My brother, Renly, is dead.
Davos: WHAT!?
Stannis: Anyway, thanks for coming here to my summons to be here for my parley with Ser Cortnay Penrose.
Davos: Yeah. Why exactly am I here for this parley? By the way, Stannis. You look FUCKING terrible. It looks like you haven’t slept in weeks.
Devan, Davos’s Son / Stannis’s Squire: Yeah man, he’s been plagued by nightmares every night. He can barely sleep. The only time he can fall asleep is after Melisandre “visits” him at night.
Davos: Oh, I get it. *wink*wink*
Ser Cortnay, the Lord holding Storm’s End and refusing to give it up to Stannis, finally shows up.
Cortnay: Okay mother truckers, I’m here to talk terms.
Stannis: I gave you my terms. You have a fortnight to surrender Storm’s End and Edric Storm to me.
Cortnay: Nope.
Stannis: What do you mean “nope?”
Cortnay: It means “no.” You gave me a fortnight. I don’t need a fortnight to decide. My answer is no. You’re not getting the kid.
Stannis: Why are you being such a bitch, Cortnay?
Lord Alester Florent: Yeah! Come on now, Cortnay! Be reasonable. Stannis means no harm to the boy. He just wants to show him at around to prove what Robert’s children look like. As proof that Joffrey isn’t his kid.
Cortnay: Oh, like I’m going to listen to YOUR traitorous ass, Alester? A week ago you were on my side with Renly. This week you’re with Stannis. You’re such a Benedict Arnold. Not only did you flip-flop sides… you flip-flopped GODS!
Alester: WHAT?! Why I oughtta…
Cortnay: --And don’t think I believe that shit you’re all saying about how Brienne of Tarth murdered Renly. I know that’s not true. She would never have it in her. I know this was some crazy, dark, Lord of Light shit you’re all up to.
Stannis: Well, if you’re not going to accept my terms… why did you even come out for a parlay?
Cortnay: Because there is nothing on TV and I was bored. Also, I have some terms of my own. Let’s settle this LIKE MEN. I challenge you to one-on-one combat. You win… then you get Storm’s End and the boy. I win… then you FUCK OFF.
Stannis: Why would I risk LOSING a one on one fight to you when I KNOW that my army can win? I refuse your counter-offer. I’d rather just storm your castle!
Cortnay: Interesting choice of words, Stannis. You will “storm” the castle, huh? Well guess what! This castle is named “Storm’s End.” So fuck you and you little storm, because it’s not getting through. *drops mic*
Crowd: OOOoOooooo! SNAP!!!!! Hey got you there, Stannis!
Stannis: *grumbles angrily*
And following the mic drop, Cortnay Penrose ride off on his horse. He looks so badass doing it too.
Alester: King Stannis! I beg you to reconsider! You could totally kick Cortnay’s ass in a one-on-one fight. It will save thousands of lives.
Stannis: I don’t really care about smallfolk and soldiers. Let them die. DAVOS! MELISANDRE! Come with me. I’d like to talk with you both in private.
And so those three ride off together.
Stannis: So… Davos. What do you think of all this shit? Think we should do some nasty shit like kidnap Cortnay Penrose’s father and threaten to kill him until Cortnay gives up the castle?
Davos: No. Being a dick like that will only backfire. Cortnay is too honorable a man. Don’t listen to Alester or any of those other dick knockers.
Stannis: Hahaha, sounds like you have a higher opinion of the man who defies me than the men who swapped sides and joined me.
Davos: I ain’t gonna lie, Stannis. I do. The people who joined you are straight up punk-ass bitches.
Stannis: See? That’s why I like you, Davos. You do not bullshit me. And you know what? I agree with you. Completely. Unfortunately, I need these ass-kissing traitors on my side to get vengeance and beat Cersei. So here we are.
Davos: By the way. You dropped that “Renly died” shit on me without much context. How exactly did that happen again?
Davos’s face looks towards Stannis as he asks the question, but he slides a little side eye towards Mel.
Stannis: Oh, I dream about his death sometimes. But my hands are clean. Whatever rumors you hear about me turning into a shadow and being in the room and slicing Renly’s neck open with a sword are total bullshit.
Davos: Uhhhhhhh… I never said anything about you turning into a shadow and slicing open Renly’s neck with a sword. What are you trying to say? Is that what happened?
Stannis: Ermm… uhh… no!
Davos: Uh huh. Sure.
Stannis: Look, Renly brought his death upon himself. Now, since you’re giving me such frank and honest advice… how would you recommend we deal with Storm’s End?
Davos: I would recommend we not deal with Storm’s End at all. I say we take our armies and head to the REAL threat… King’s Landing! Cortnay Penrose is no threat to you. And once you depose that shitty Joffrey boy, the kingdom will be yours. Storm’s End and every other castle.
Stannis: Nah. Penrose will be dead in a day anyway.
Davos: WHAT?!
Stannis: Mel has seen it in the flames. Just like she saw Renly die in the flames.
Davos: Uh, I was just looking at him. He seemed perfectly healthy to me.
Stannis: The flames do not lie. The flames said if we came to Storm’s End, Renly would die and his forces would come to my side. Oh, also the flames said you were going to pull off an assist with this one.
Davos: Huh?
Stannis: You and Mel are getting on a boat tonight, and you’re going to sneak through the little cliffs under the castle. The same ones you used to use back in the day to smuggle onions and shit to me.
Davos: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Later that night, Davos and Mel are sneaking in a boat through a bunch of old caves under the castle.
Davos: I wish you were a bag of onions.
Mel: Whatever, I don’t like you that much either.
Davos: Speaking of a bag of onions, are you hiding one under your dress?
Mel: I don’t follow.
Davos: Suddenly you look pregnant. You didn’t earlier.
Mel: Yeah, well. I am now.
Davos: That’s not how gestation cycles work. You don’t just grow a giant baby bump suddenly.
Mel: THE LORD OF LIGHT DOES AS HE PLEASES.
Davos: *grumble*
Davos keeps rowing the boat.
Davos: You’re lucky the dark is protecting us. There are guards down here keeping a watch. But because the dark they can’t see. HAHAHA. Got you there, didn’t I, witch? I guess it’s not the Lord of LIGHT who is helping out.
Mel: On the contrary, it is actually the light that protects us. It is dark and so the guards have torches. But staring at the torches dilates their eyes and leaves them blind to see anything in the places that still remain dark. So, in fact, it’s actually the light that saves us. We are but shadows. Shadows cannot exist without the light to cast them.
Davos: Ugh. Well, this small talk isn’t going well. Let me just cut through the shit… Soooooo, you’re the one that killed Renly with some black magic shit, huh?
Mel: No.
Davos: Bullshit. I wondered who “rowed” you to kill him.
Mel: Rowing was not necessary. Renly was on land.
Davos: I know that. Hence why “rowing” was in quotation marks. I simply meant you probably needed assistance somehow like you do now.
Mel: Well, I’m not admitting that I killed Renly with black magic. BUT IF I DID… then I wouldn’t have needed an assistant. Because Renly was unprotected by magic. But this castle? This castle is old and has magical spells built into its walls. Which is why I need to be rowed to inside the castle in order for my powers to penetrate.
Davos: Unprotected? Penetrate? These allusions to sex are really piling up. Are you coming on to me?
Mel: No, of course not.
Mel then rips all of her clothes off, lays down, and spreads her legs before Davos.
Davos: WHAT THE HELL?! I mean… it’s not like you’re not nice to look at. But… you know… I don’t really have a pregnancy fetish.
Mel: No! I’m not coming on to you! Now grab the forceps.
Mel starts screaming and goes into labor.
Davos: Ah, I was wondering why we brought these. It seemed strange back at camp, but now I guess--
Mel: --UNNGGHHHHHH!!!!!
He briefly considers just bashing Mel in the head with the forceps and throwing her body in the water, but that wouldn’t be cool to this little baby. The baby is innocent and didn’t do any wrong. So he’s just going to help Mel give birth to this perfectly normal ba—
Davos: --AGHHH!!!! HOLY SHIT! It’s made out of shadows! AGHHHHH!!!! SHADOW BABY! SHADOW BABY!
Mel pushes out a shadow that looks suspiciously like Stannis. It floats up into the castle above.
Davos: Well, I guess I’ll be having nightmares for the rest of my life.
Davos: Well, I’m back from traveling all over the Seven Kingdoms, delivering the message from Stannis about how Joffrey is a shitty incest bastard. What happened while I was away?
Stannis: Oh, nothing much. My brother, Renly, is dead.
Davos: WHAT!?
Stannis: Anyway, thanks for coming here to my summons to be here for my parley with Ser Cortnay Penrose.
Davos: Yeah. Why exactly am I here for this parley? By the way, Stannis. You look FUCKING terrible. It looks like you haven’t slept in weeks.
Devan, Davos’s Son / Stannis’s Squire: Yeah man, he’s been plagued by nightmares every night. He can barely sleep. The only time he can fall asleep is after Melisandre “visits” him at night.
Davos: Oh, I get it. *wink*wink*
Ser Cortnay, the Lord holding Storm’s End and refusing to give it up to Stannis, finally shows up.
Cortnay: Okay mother truckers, I’m here to talk terms.
Stannis: I gave you my terms. You have a fortnight to surrender Storm’s End and Edric Storm to me.
Cortnay: Nope.
Stannis: What do you mean “nope?”
Cortnay: It means “no.” You gave me a fortnight. I don’t need a fortnight to decide. My answer is no. You’re not getting the kid.
Stannis: Why are you being such a bitch, Cortnay?
Lord Alester Florent: Yeah! Come on now, Cortnay! Be reasonable. Stannis means no harm to the boy. He just wants to show him at around to prove what Robert’s children look like. As proof that Joffrey isn’t his kid.
Cortnay: Oh, like I’m going to listen to YOUR traitorous ass, Alester? A week ago you were on my side with Renly. This week you’re with Stannis. You’re such a Benedict Arnold. Not only did you flip-flop sides… you flip-flopped GODS!
Alester: WHAT?! Why I oughtta…
Cortnay: --And don’t think I believe that shit you’re all saying about how Brienne of Tarth murdered Renly. I know that’s not true. She would never have it in her. I know this was some crazy, dark, Lord of Light shit you’re all up to.
Stannis: Well, if you’re not going to accept my terms… why did you even come out for a parlay?
Cortnay: Because there is nothing on TV and I was bored. Also, I have some terms of my own. Let’s settle this LIKE MEN. I challenge you to one-on-one combat. You win… then you get Storm’s End and the boy. I win… then you FUCK OFF.
Stannis: Why would I risk LOSING a one on one fight to you when I KNOW that my army can win? I refuse your counter-offer. I’d rather just storm your castle!
Cortnay: Interesting choice of words, Stannis. You will “storm” the castle, huh? Well guess what! This castle is named “Storm’s End.” So fuck you and you little storm, because it’s not getting through. *drops mic*
Crowd: OOOoOooooo! SNAP!!!!! Hey got you there, Stannis!
Stannis: *grumbles angrily*
And following the mic drop, Cortnay Penrose ride off on his horse. He looks so badass doing it too.
Alester: King Stannis! I beg you to reconsider! You could totally kick Cortnay’s ass in a one-on-one fight. It will save thousands of lives.
Stannis: I don’t really care about smallfolk and soldiers. Let them die. DAVOS! MELISANDRE! Come with me. I’d like to talk with you both in private.
And so those three ride off together.
Stannis: So… Davos. What do you think of all this shit? Think we should do some nasty shit like kidnap Cortnay Penrose’s father and threaten to kill him until Cortnay gives up the castle?
Davos: No. Being a dick like that will only backfire. Cortnay is too honorable a man. Don’t listen to Alester or any of those other dick knockers.
Stannis: Hahaha, sounds like you have a higher opinion of the man who defies me than the men who swapped sides and joined me.
Davos: I ain’t gonna lie, Stannis. I do. The people who joined you are straight up punk-ass bitches.
Stannis: See? That’s why I like you, Davos. You do not bullshit me. And you know what? I agree with you. Completely. Unfortunately, I need these ass-kissing traitors on my side to get vengeance and beat Cersei. So here we are.
Davos: By the way. You dropped that “Renly died” shit on me without much context. How exactly did that happen again?
Davos’s face looks towards Stannis as he asks the question, but he slides a little side eye towards Mel.
Stannis: Oh, I dream about his death sometimes. But my hands are clean. Whatever rumors you hear about me turning into a shadow and being in the room and slicing Renly’s neck open with a sword are total bullshit.
Davos: Uhhhhhhh… I never said anything about you turning into a shadow and slicing open Renly’s neck with a sword. What are you trying to say? Is that what happened?
Stannis: Ermm… uhh… no!
Davos: Uh huh. Sure.
Stannis: Look, Renly brought his death upon himself. Now, since you’re giving me such frank and honest advice… how would you recommend we deal with Storm’s End?
Davos: I would recommend we not deal with Storm’s End at all. I say we take our armies and head to the REAL threat… King’s Landing! Cortnay Penrose is no threat to you. And once you depose that shitty Joffrey boy, the kingdom will be yours. Storm’s End and every other castle.
Stannis: Nah. Penrose will be dead in a day anyway.
Davos: WHAT?!
Stannis: Mel has seen it in the flames. Just like she saw Renly die in the flames.
Davos: Uh, I was just looking at him. He seemed perfectly healthy to me.
Stannis: The flames do not lie. The flames said if we came to Storm’s End, Renly would die and his forces would come to my side. Oh, also the flames said you were going to pull off an assist with this one.
Davos: Huh?
Stannis: You and Mel are getting on a boat tonight, and you’re going to sneak through the little cliffs under the castle. The same ones you used to use back in the day to smuggle onions and shit to me.
Davos: FUUUUUUUUUCK!!!
Later that night, Davos and Mel are sneaking in a boat through a bunch of old caves under the castle.
Davos: I wish you were a bag of onions.
Mel: Whatever, I don’t like you that much either.
Davos: Speaking of a bag of onions, are you hiding one under your dress?
Mel: I don’t follow.
Davos: Suddenly you look pregnant. You didn’t earlier.
Mel: Yeah, well. I am now.
Davos: That’s not how gestation cycles work. You don’t just grow a giant baby bump suddenly.
Mel: THE LORD OF LIGHT DOES AS HE PLEASES.
Davos: *grumble*
Davos keeps rowing the boat.
Davos: You’re lucky the dark is protecting us. There are guards down here keeping a watch. But because the dark they can’t see. HAHAHA. Got you there, didn’t I, witch? I guess it’s not the Lord of LIGHT who is helping out.
Mel: On the contrary, it is actually the light that protects us. It is dark and so the guards have torches. But staring at the torches dilates their eyes and leaves them blind to see anything in the places that still remain dark. So, in fact, it’s actually the light that saves us. We are but shadows. Shadows cannot exist without the light to cast them.
Davos: Ugh. Well, this small talk isn’t going well. Let me just cut through the shit… Soooooo, you’re the one that killed Renly with some black magic shit, huh?
Mel: No.
Davos: Bullshit. I wondered who “rowed” you to kill him.
Mel: Rowing was not necessary. Renly was on land.
Davos: I know that. Hence why “rowing” was in quotation marks. I simply meant you probably needed assistance somehow like you do now.
Mel: Well, I’m not admitting that I killed Renly with black magic. BUT IF I DID… then I wouldn’t have needed an assistant. Because Renly was unprotected by magic. But this castle? This castle is old and has magical spells built into its walls. Which is why I need to be rowed to inside the castle in order for my powers to penetrate.
Davos: Unprotected? Penetrate? These allusions to sex are really piling up. Are you coming on to me?
Mel: No, of course not.
Mel then rips all of her clothes off, lays down, and spreads her legs before Davos.
Davos: WHAT THE HELL?! I mean… it’s not like you’re not nice to look at. But… you know… I don’t really have a pregnancy fetish.
Mel: No! I’m not coming on to you! Now grab the forceps.
Mel starts screaming and goes into labor.
Davos: Ah, I was wondering why we brought these. It seemed strange back at camp, but now I guess--
Mel: --UNNGGHHHHHH!!!!!
He briefly considers just bashing Mel in the head with the forceps and throwing her body in the water, but that wouldn’t be cool to this little baby. The baby is innocent and didn’t do any wrong. So he’s just going to help Mel give birth to this perfectly normal ba—
Davos: --AGHHH!!!! HOLY SHIT! It’s made out of shadows! AGHHHHH!!!! SHADOW BABY! SHADOW BABY!
Mel pushes out a shadow that looks suspiciously like Stannis. It floats up into the castle above.
Davos: Well, I guess I’ll be having nightmares for the rest of my life.
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