Jon Snow is just chillin when a horn blasts. Everyone around gets silent and anxious. One horn blast signifies that brothers of the Night’s Watch are arriving. But two horn blasts signify an incoming attack.
Everyone: …
Horn: …
Finally, after they realize no second horn will blast, everyone just laughs and pretends like they were never scared in the first place.
Jon: Well shit, that must be Qhorin Halfhand’s party. It’s about time! He was supposed to get here days ago. I need to go report this to Mormont.
As Qhorin’s party arrives, it’s clear they’ve seen some battle. They’ve got tattered clothes and blood stains. Some men are limping and wounded.
Jon: Hey! I only count 99 men. You were supposed to come with 100.
Qhorin: Uhh… can’t you see that we were attacked?
Jon: Yeah.
Qhorin: So one of our guys died.
Jon: Ugh. We were supposed to have 300 men. We’ll never beat the Wildings now with 299.
Qhorin: Oh, I’ve heard about your ass. You must be Jon Fucking Snow. I can tell. You look like a Stark. I knew your father, Eddard. As well as his father before him.
Jon: Sweet, I guess that makes us best friends now or something? Come on, the Old Man will want to see you.
And so they go to Mormont.
Lord Commander Jeor Mormont: Dafuq is this? Only 99?
Jon: That’s what I said!
Qhorin: We were attacked by Alfyn Crowkiller the famous and notorious raider who is an arch enemy of the Night’s Watch.
Jon: Yes! So famous, notorious and important that he was never mentioned before this chapter. And he will never be mentioned again after it is over.
Qhorin: Anyway, we killed him. But some of his men escaped. And we had casualties. One dead and many injured. We were able to capture some of his men and question them. Come on, I’ll tell you more inside.
So Qhorin and Mormont go into their private tent to talk, leaving Jon behind.
Jon: WHAT?! How am I supposed to be able to drop more plot exposition if I’m left out of their discussion scene?
Jon then hears some other guys talking about mutiny.
Chett: YEEE-HAW! This whole trip is a waste of time! We should give up and go home, where I can run some Moonshine across the Hazzard County line.
Lark the Sisterman: I agree.
Jon: Ugh. Lark the Sisterman? What a terrible name.
John thinks about running to Mormont to tell him about this sinister plotting to go home. But…
Jon: I may be called “Snow,” but I’m a STARK! And Starks ain’t no bitch-ass snitches!
He then goes into more reflective self-thought about those obsidian / dragonglass weapons that he found. About how he gave some of the weapons to his friends. Like Sam.
Jon: THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER, WHICH IS WHY I AM THINKING ABOUT IT NOW! There, that’s how you continue to push forward plot exposition through POV chapters.
Sam: Oh, thanks for this dragonglass, Jon. It’s very old and I like old things.
Jon: Which is probably why I caught you masturbating to Betty White.
Sam: HEY! You weren't supposed to know about that. Anyway, thanks for this obsidian dagger, Jon. I'm sure it will come in handy at some time in the future. I don't know about this old, cracked, obsidian WAR HORN though. Seems lame.
Jon: I dunno. Maybe. Maybe it's just a useless old, cracked horn that I'm putting a lot of emphasis on for no reason. But if we're still talking about the Warhorn several books from now, and if a sailor from the Summer Isles is trying to pawn it off of you, then it will probably be important for some reason.
Sam: I guess.
Dolorous Edd: Not to interrupted, but I have an unrelated story. A man once drowned himself in wine and I drank the wine afterwards. That really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I just figured I’d awkwardly find a way to work that line into his chapter.
But none of this being reflecting about Dragonglass or talking to Edd about drowned people-flavored wine shit is good enough for Jon. He wants to hear what Mormont and Halfhand are talking about. Then he remembers that he is Mormont’s bitch boy.
Jon: Oh right. As I’m Mormont’s bitch boy, I’m supposed to follow him around and be his bitch. I should have just followed Halfhand inside, even though I wasn’t invited.
And so Jon grabs some food and wine and goes into Mormont’s tent.
Edd: No, wait! That’s the drowned person wine!!!
Jon: Here I am, Lord Commander! Just bringing you some food, sir! Not at all just using this food as an excuse to come inside and listen. But, you know, now that I am inside…
Jon takes a seat. QHH continues his story.
Qhorin: Well, apparently every raider north of the wall is being assembled by Mance Rayder in the mountains. The army includes wargs and mammoths and shit. They’re preparing for an assault on the Seven Kingdoms.
Mormont: We must warn the King!
Jon: Hahaha, which one? Am I right? High five!
Nobody gives Jon a high five though. It's tragic.
Mormont: All of them.
Qhorin: Only the King of the North will be of any use. If the Wildlings are somehow able to breech the wall, then Winterfell will be hit first.
Mormont: Just how do they plan to breech the wall anyway? Dig under it? Climb over it?
Qhorin: That’s just the thing… the plan is apparently neither of those things. Apparently Mance is up in the Frostfangs looking for some type of magical artifact to breech the wall with sorcery. Some sort of fancy, legendary magical thing that would just open the wall for him.
Jon: Wow. Like, some sort of magical ice dragon or something?
Qhorin: Don’t be stupid, Jon. An Ice Dragon taking down the wall?! SILLY! SILLY!
Jon: Well, it makes more sense than some sort of magical horn that will bring it down. Especially if that horn was named “Joramun,” after a King-Beyond-the-Wall from thousands of years ago.
Mormont: Silence, Jon. You’re jumping ahead of books now. Let’s discuss the Horn of MacGuffin later during A Storm of Swords.
Jon: Okay. Weird that I'd have a horn on my mind though now. Why? Oh wait… because I just gave Sam that old horn. I wonder if that could be the magical artifact that Mance is looking for.
Nobody responds.
Mormont: Well, this thing sounds really serious, Qhorin. What should we do?
Qhorin: We must send scouts into the mountains to infiltrate the Wildlings and find out what this thing they’re looking for is. The best way to do this is to break into three small groups of five. Those three groups will be commanded by Jarman Buckwell, Thoren Smallwood, and myself. Jarman will go to the Giant’s Stair. Thorn to the Milkwater. And me to the Skirling Pass.
Mormont: Fine. Sounds reasonable. I guess you should choose your men, then.
Qhorin: I choose Jon Snow.
Mormont: What?! This kid is hardly more than a boy.
Qhorin: Yes, but he’s a Stark. Sort of. And he follows the Old Gods. The Old Gods still have power here up North beyond the Wall.
Mormont: And you, boy? What do you want to—
Jon: --Yeah, I’m already packed and ready to go, Lord Commander. I just need to find Ghost and I’m out.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I’m here.]
Jon: Cool. I’m out.
Qhorin: We leave at once.
They leave, heading for Skirling Pass and Qhorin’s inevitable doom.
Qhorin: What was that?
Nothing.
Everyone: …
Horn: …
Finally, after they realize no second horn will blast, everyone just laughs and pretends like they were never scared in the first place.
Jon: Well shit, that must be Qhorin Halfhand’s party. It’s about time! He was supposed to get here days ago. I need to go report this to Mormont.
As Qhorin’s party arrives, it’s clear they’ve seen some battle. They’ve got tattered clothes and blood stains. Some men are limping and wounded.
Jon: Hey! I only count 99 men. You were supposed to come with 100.
Qhorin: Uhh… can’t you see that we were attacked?
Jon: Yeah.
Qhorin: So one of our guys died.
Jon: Ugh. We were supposed to have 300 men. We’ll never beat the Wildings now with 299.
Qhorin: Oh, I’ve heard about your ass. You must be Jon Fucking Snow. I can tell. You look like a Stark. I knew your father, Eddard. As well as his father before him.
Jon: Sweet, I guess that makes us best friends now or something? Come on, the Old Man will want to see you.
And so they go to Mormont.
Lord Commander Jeor Mormont: Dafuq is this? Only 99?
Jon: That’s what I said!
Qhorin: We were attacked by Alfyn Crowkiller the famous and notorious raider who is an arch enemy of the Night’s Watch.
Jon: Yes! So famous, notorious and important that he was never mentioned before this chapter. And he will never be mentioned again after it is over.
Qhorin: Anyway, we killed him. But some of his men escaped. And we had casualties. One dead and many injured. We were able to capture some of his men and question them. Come on, I’ll tell you more inside.
So Qhorin and Mormont go into their private tent to talk, leaving Jon behind.
Jon: WHAT?! How am I supposed to be able to drop more plot exposition if I’m left out of their discussion scene?
Jon then hears some other guys talking about mutiny.
Chett: YEEE-HAW! This whole trip is a waste of time! We should give up and go home, where I can run some Moonshine across the Hazzard County line.
Lark the Sisterman: I agree.
Jon: Ugh. Lark the Sisterman? What a terrible name.
John thinks about running to Mormont to tell him about this sinister plotting to go home. But…
Jon: I may be called “Snow,” but I’m a STARK! And Starks ain’t no bitch-ass snitches!
He then goes into more reflective self-thought about those obsidian / dragonglass weapons that he found. About how he gave some of the weapons to his friends. Like Sam.
Jon: THAT WILL BE IMPORTANT LATER, WHICH IS WHY I AM THINKING ABOUT IT NOW! There, that’s how you continue to push forward plot exposition through POV chapters.
Sam: Oh, thanks for this dragonglass, Jon. It’s very old and I like old things.
Jon: Which is probably why I caught you masturbating to Betty White.
Sam: HEY! You weren't supposed to know about that. Anyway, thanks for this obsidian dagger, Jon. I'm sure it will come in handy at some time in the future. I don't know about this old, cracked, obsidian WAR HORN though. Seems lame.
Jon: I dunno. Maybe. Maybe it's just a useless old, cracked horn that I'm putting a lot of emphasis on for no reason. But if we're still talking about the Warhorn several books from now, and if a sailor from the Summer Isles is trying to pawn it off of you, then it will probably be important for some reason.
Sam: I guess.
Dolorous Edd: Not to interrupted, but I have an unrelated story. A man once drowned himself in wine and I drank the wine afterwards. That really doesn’t have anything to do with anything, but I just figured I’d awkwardly find a way to work that line into his chapter.
But none of this being reflecting about Dragonglass or talking to Edd about drowned people-flavored wine shit is good enough for Jon. He wants to hear what Mormont and Halfhand are talking about. Then he remembers that he is Mormont’s bitch boy.
Jon: Oh right. As I’m Mormont’s bitch boy, I’m supposed to follow him around and be his bitch. I should have just followed Halfhand inside, even though I wasn’t invited.
And so Jon grabs some food and wine and goes into Mormont’s tent.
Edd: No, wait! That’s the drowned person wine!!!
Jon: Here I am, Lord Commander! Just bringing you some food, sir! Not at all just using this food as an excuse to come inside and listen. But, you know, now that I am inside…
Jon takes a seat. QHH continues his story.
Qhorin: Well, apparently every raider north of the wall is being assembled by Mance Rayder in the mountains. The army includes wargs and mammoths and shit. They’re preparing for an assault on the Seven Kingdoms.
Mormont: We must warn the King!
Jon: Hahaha, which one? Am I right? High five!
Nobody gives Jon a high five though. It's tragic.
Mormont: All of them.
Qhorin: Only the King of the North will be of any use. If the Wildlings are somehow able to breech the wall, then Winterfell will be hit first.
Mormont: Just how do they plan to breech the wall anyway? Dig under it? Climb over it?
Qhorin: That’s just the thing… the plan is apparently neither of those things. Apparently Mance is up in the Frostfangs looking for some type of magical artifact to breech the wall with sorcery. Some sort of fancy, legendary magical thing that would just open the wall for him.
Jon: Wow. Like, some sort of magical ice dragon or something?
Qhorin: Don’t be stupid, Jon. An Ice Dragon taking down the wall?! SILLY! SILLY!
Jon: Well, it makes more sense than some sort of magical horn that will bring it down. Especially if that horn was named “Joramun,” after a King-Beyond-the-Wall from thousands of years ago.
Mormont: Silence, Jon. You’re jumping ahead of books now. Let’s discuss the Horn of MacGuffin later during A Storm of Swords.
Jon: Okay. Weird that I'd have a horn on my mind though now. Why? Oh wait… because I just gave Sam that old horn. I wonder if that could be the magical artifact that Mance is looking for.
Nobody responds.
Mormont: Well, this thing sounds really serious, Qhorin. What should we do?
Qhorin: We must send scouts into the mountains to infiltrate the Wildlings and find out what this thing they’re looking for is. The best way to do this is to break into three small groups of five. Those three groups will be commanded by Jarman Buckwell, Thoren Smallwood, and myself. Jarman will go to the Giant’s Stair. Thorn to the Milkwater. And me to the Skirling Pass.
Mormont: Fine. Sounds reasonable. I guess you should choose your men, then.
Qhorin: I choose Jon Snow.
Mormont: What?! This kid is hardly more than a boy.
Qhorin: Yes, but he’s a Stark. Sort of. And he follows the Old Gods. The Old Gods still have power here up North beyond the Wall.
Mormont: And you, boy? What do you want to—
Jon: --Yeah, I’m already packed and ready to go, Lord Commander. I just need to find Ghost and I’m out.
Ghost: *woof* [Translation: I’m here.]
Jon: Cool. I’m out.
Qhorin: We leave at once.
They leave, heading for Skirling Pass and Qhorin’s inevitable doom.
Qhorin: What was that?
Nothing.
No comments:
Post a Comment