Tyrion watches as Myrcella boards a boat. She’s off to Sunspear, Dorne to seal the marriage alliance with the House Martell to ensure that they stay on Team Lannister for the duration of the war. To protect her, Tyrion also sends along one of the kingsguard – Arys Oakheart.
Tyrion: Now Arys, remember not to get honeypotted by any Dornish girls while you’re down there.
Arys: Wait… what? What does that mean? Honeypot?
Tyrion: You know, when a cute girl pretends to like you. She seems like she’s really, really, really into you. But she isn’t really. She’s just pretending to be in order to get info from you.
Arys: Oh yeah. Like those Chinese spy girls that always get fat, white, middle-aged American diplomats to reveal government secrets to them?
Tyrion: Exactly.
Arys: Yeah, I’m a little more sophisticated than the average Kingsguard. No way am I falling for any of that. Besides, as a sworn Kingsguard I’ve made a vow of celibacy.
And so Arys goes along his way and boards the ship too.
Off they’re heading, with a small part of the Lannister fleet to guard Myrcella.
Tyrion: Oh man, I am not comfortable losing even MORE ships to head off to Dorne. Our armada is already in pretty bad shape. If Stannis attacks, we’re screwed. But still, it’s worth the risk because we need that Martell alliance. Another two weeks… that’s all I need to make sure the city defenses are in tippy-top shape. Tippy tippy tip top. Tip.
As Myrcella sails off, the royal party (including King Dipshit, Cersei, Sansa, Tommen, the High Septon, Clegane, Bronn, and other random non-POV people you don’t need to worry about that much) head back to the Red Keep. Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth are there too.
Tyrion: Odd. Why would the narrator mention Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth? Are these characters important enough to mention now for some reason?
Who is missing from this whole parade though? Littlefinger!
Tyrion: I haven’t heard a WORD from Littlefinger since he rode off that morning to meet with the Tyrells. What happened? Did he get murdered on the road? Is he betraying us? Are the Tyrells balking at our offer to marry Joffrey to Margaery? Ugh. I wish I knew.
As they head through Kings Landing, they are surrounded by huge crowds of people. The people do not look to happy with them. What with them all starving and living in filth since the war began.
Cersei: LET THEM EAT CAKE!
Tyrion: Uh oh. This is not going to go well.
Sansa: Why? I love cakes! Especially lemon cakes! So tasty! Why do people think that offering cake to a crowd is a bad thing? I’ll never understand that.
A woman runs up to them, holding a dead baby.
The Hound: Ugh. Another one of those Pro-Life activists. GET A LIFE, WOMAN! Roe v. Wade is like 40 years old. Deal with it.
Lady: LOOK AT MY DEAD BABY! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! MY BABY STARVED TO DEATH BECAUSE OF YOU SCUM!
Sansa: Oh, that’s so terrible! Maybe if we give her one gold coin that will make up for the fact that HER CHILD DIED.
Joffrey: Ugh. Whatever.
Joffrey pulls out one coin and throw it to the crowd, unenthusiastically. The lady doesn’t even get it, and people start fighting over it.
Lady: LOOK AT THE WHORE QUEEN! BROTHERFUCKER CERSEI! BROTHERFUCKER!
Cersei: Whatever, bitch. I don’t take criticism from poor people with missing teeth and dead babies.
And then, all of a sudden, a giant chuck of feces is thrown at Joffrey and smacks him right in the face.
Joffrey: WHAT THE HELL?! WHO DID THAT?! WHO DID THAT! I WANT THEM EXECUTED!
Tyrion: Whoa now, Joff. Let’s calm down and worry about getting the hell out of here first. We’re surrounded by a giant crowd of thousands of angry peasants who look like they want to kill us. I think we need to de-escalate this situation rather than escalate it further.
Joffrey: CLEGANE!!! Go down and cut through the crowd! Start randomly killing people left and right with your sword!
Hound: Cool. That sounds sensible.
Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s exactly the OPPOSITE of de-escalating!
Crowd: BOOO! BOOO! WE WANT BREAD!
The angry crowd starts attacking them.
Tyrion: Oh SHIT, homeboys. We need to get out of here. FAST! Run for the keep everyone! RUN FOR THE KEEP!
And so their retinue begins to book it for the gates of the Red Keep. But the crowd is so thick, they get seperated
Joffrey and Tyrion make it to the Red Keep first, along with Cersei, Boros Blount and Meryn Trant.
Tyrion: What?! Where the hell did everyone go?
Joffrey: WHO CARES? SOLDIERS! I ORDER YOU TO START EXECUTING ALL THOSE PEASANTS NOW! I’LL HAVE ALL THEIR HEADS!
Tyrion then hobbles up and smacks the fuck out of Joff.
Tyrion: You stupid, fucking idiot!
Joffrey: They made fun of me and threw poo at me! That’s TREASON!
Tyrion: You set your dog on them and told him to kill them all. What did you EXPECT them to do? Where did the rest of our party go? You’ve probably doomed them all!
He looks around. Sansa is one of the ones missing.
Tyrion: Do you know what happens if we lose Sansa? She’s an important bargaining tool for our war with the Starks. If she’s dead—
Cersei: Boros, Meryn… go back into the crowd and find the Stark girl!
Boros: Nah.
Meryn: Yeah, fuck that. They’re going to kill us.
Tyrion: If Sansa is killed… Jaime is as good as dead. You’ll fucking do it or WE’LL KILL YOU.
Boros: You wanna bet, you little dwarf shit? Why I ought to—
--As Boros acts like he’s going to smack Tyrion, the gates burst open and The Hound charges in, holding Sansa in his hands.
Tyrion: *whew* We dodged a bullet there! Not that I know what bullets are, as this society is pre-firearms. I guess everything is good now. I mean, you know. Other than all those other members of our party who are missing like Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth. Which is I guess why those characters were mentioned earlier.
Tower Guard: Oh, Flea Bottom is also on fire.
Tyrion: Oh. Well then I guess everything ISN’T GOOD now. You know where Flea Bottom is directly north of? The Alchemists’ Guild.
Cersei: Who cares about the Alchemist’s Guild?
Tyrion: Uhmm… everyone should care. Remember? They’re currently in the middle of producing tons and tons and tons of Wildfire in preparation for our war with Stannis. Remember what Wildfire is? That unquenchable chemical that burns and burns and burns… nothing is able to put it out.
Bronn: Except for sand.
Tyrion: Yes. Except for sand, apparently. The whole of Kings Landing would blow up if we set that off.
Cersei: You mean if we collected a WHOLE BUNCH of Wildfire in one place and set it on fire… the WHOLE CITY would blow up?
Tyrion: Yes.
Cersei: The WHOLE CITY? Would completely BLOW UP?
Tyrion: Yes. It would blow up faster than a Russian woman who turns 40.
Cersei’s eyes start twitching and she smiles.
Tyrion: Why is that making you smile, Cersei?
Cersei: What? Huh? Oh… nothing. Nothing. Yes. We better put out the fire.
Tyrion: Bronn and Hound, take charge and make sure to do whatever you can to make sure the city doesn’t explode. Meryn and Boros - I need you guys to take the Kingsguard out to ensure that a city-wide curfew is enforced. Everyone stays in tonight.
Meryn: Forget that, I’m not doing it.
Cersei: YOU WILL DO AS MY BROTHER COMMANDS, SHIT FACE!
Meryn: Oh SHIT! You’re taking his side? I just assumed if I was defiant and argued with Tyrion that you’d take my side because you two hate each other.
Meryn and Boros meekly walk away, to do as ordered by Cersei and Tyrion.
Tyrion: *whispering* And Shagga and Randy Savage, you go make sure Shae is okay.
Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH! I WILL MAKE SURE YOUR SECRET MISTRESS, SHAE THE PROSTITUTE THAT YOUR FATHER EXPLICITLY STATED THAT YOU WERE NOT TO BRING HERE, IS OKAY!
Tyrion: Damnit Macho Man, she’s supposed to be a secret. Shop shouting about her.
Later that evening, the fire has been contained and the city has not blown up.
Cersei: Damnit!
Tyrion: What?
Cersei: Oh, nothing.
Tyrion: So, what’s the damage?
Ser Jacelyn Bywater: Well, the High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield have been brutally murdered.
Tyrion: Ah! Cool. Santagar was the Master at Arms. I don’t even think he’s been mentioned as existing ever since Cat Stark wanted to see him in Book 1. And Preston Greenfield? Talk about a meaningless, unimportant character. Why, he’s even less important than you, Jacelyn.
Jacelyn: HEY!
Tyrion: Sorry.
Jacelyn: But yeah, Preston Greenfield got MESSED up. We were looking all over for him. Looking for that White Cape that all us Kingsguard guys wear. We probably passed his dead body like six times before we figured out that his corpse was actually his. That white cape? Not so white anymore. Totally soaked in his blood. He was TORN APART. Butchered like cattle.
Tyrion: Oh wait… there was one other minor character that got mentioned… wasn’t there? Oh right! Lollys Stokeworth! What happened to her?
Jacelyn: Oh yeah, we found her too. Alive.
Tyrion: Great!
Jacelyn: Alive and gang raped by 50 men.
Tyrion: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Oh my god! This book series is just TERRIBLE to women!
Jacelyn: Well, the book serious is sort of inspired by history. So really, history is terrible to women.
Tyrion: True. This city is about to explode. And I don’t mean via wildfire. I mean figuratively. I’m not sure if the Gold Cloaks can keep the peace.
Jacelyn: Look, I’m going to break down some truth for you, Tyrion. The smallfolk didn’t really like the Lannisters BEFORE today. After today? Well, now there is active and open talk of treason in the streets. And most of it is directed to you.
Tyrion: WHAT?! To me? What did I do?!
Jacelyn: Oh, don’t get me wrong. Everyone hates Joffrey. But they blame you more than him. They say that you’re an evil, twisted, dwarf puppet master that controls him. It’s because you’re a dwarf that they hate you.
Tyrion: Awesome. So everyone assumes I’m the villain because my physical appearance? GREAT! Even though I’m the person most looking out for the smallfolk and doing everything I can to save their asses. Ugh. Podrick!
Pod: Yeah, I’m here, Tyrion! I’m a much less important character in the books than the show though.
Tyrion: Go fetch Bronn and Varys.
Pod: Sure!
And that’s the extent of Podrick Payne’s character development so far. No huge penis or anything.
Bronn: Whattup?
Tyrion: Shit is falling apart, man. I wish it was Tommen that was king instead of Joffrey. This is all that shithead’s fault for being such a little punk bitch.
Bronn: *sharpens knife* Okay, sure. I can kill Joffrey.
Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s not what I said!
Bronn: What? WHAT?! I was just reading between the lines.
Tyrion: I think you led a little too much.
Varys: I’m in this room too, but I don’t really do anything in this scene other than to say “take heart,” which then turns into a pun about asking WHOSE heart?
Bronn: Joffrey’s. Obviously.
Tyrion: Now Arys, remember not to get honeypotted by any Dornish girls while you’re down there.
Arys: Wait… what? What does that mean? Honeypot?
Tyrion: You know, when a cute girl pretends to like you. She seems like she’s really, really, really into you. But she isn’t really. She’s just pretending to be in order to get info from you.
Arys: Oh yeah. Like those Chinese spy girls that always get fat, white, middle-aged American diplomats to reveal government secrets to them?
Tyrion: Exactly.
Arys: Yeah, I’m a little more sophisticated than the average Kingsguard. No way am I falling for any of that. Besides, as a sworn Kingsguard I’ve made a vow of celibacy.
And so Arys goes along his way and boards the ship too.
Off they’re heading, with a small part of the Lannister fleet to guard Myrcella.
Tyrion: Oh man, I am not comfortable losing even MORE ships to head off to Dorne. Our armada is already in pretty bad shape. If Stannis attacks, we’re screwed. But still, it’s worth the risk because we need that Martell alliance. Another two weeks… that’s all I need to make sure the city defenses are in tippy-top shape. Tippy tippy tip top. Tip.
As Myrcella sails off, the royal party (including King Dipshit, Cersei, Sansa, Tommen, the High Septon, Clegane, Bronn, and other random non-POV people you don’t need to worry about that much) head back to the Red Keep. Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth are there too.
Tyrion: Odd. Why would the narrator mention Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth? Are these characters important enough to mention now for some reason?
Who is missing from this whole parade though? Littlefinger!
Tyrion: I haven’t heard a WORD from Littlefinger since he rode off that morning to meet with the Tyrells. What happened? Did he get murdered on the road? Is he betraying us? Are the Tyrells balking at our offer to marry Joffrey to Margaery? Ugh. I wish I knew.
As they head through Kings Landing, they are surrounded by huge crowds of people. The people do not look to happy with them. What with them all starving and living in filth since the war began.
Cersei: LET THEM EAT CAKE!
Tyrion: Uh oh. This is not going to go well.
Sansa: Why? I love cakes! Especially lemon cakes! So tasty! Why do people think that offering cake to a crowd is a bad thing? I’ll never understand that.
A woman runs up to them, holding a dead baby.
The Hound: Ugh. Another one of those Pro-Life activists. GET A LIFE, WOMAN! Roe v. Wade is like 40 years old. Deal with it.
Lady: LOOK AT MY DEAD BABY! LOOK AT IT! LOOK AT IT! MY BABY STARVED TO DEATH BECAUSE OF YOU SCUM!
Sansa: Oh, that’s so terrible! Maybe if we give her one gold coin that will make up for the fact that HER CHILD DIED.
Joffrey: Ugh. Whatever.
Joffrey pulls out one coin and throw it to the crowd, unenthusiastically. The lady doesn’t even get it, and people start fighting over it.
Lady: LOOK AT THE WHORE QUEEN! BROTHERFUCKER CERSEI! BROTHERFUCKER!
Cersei: Whatever, bitch. I don’t take criticism from poor people with missing teeth and dead babies.
And then, all of a sudden, a giant chuck of feces is thrown at Joffrey and smacks him right in the face.
Joffrey: WHAT THE HELL?! WHO DID THAT?! WHO DID THAT! I WANT THEM EXECUTED!
Tyrion: Whoa now, Joff. Let’s calm down and worry about getting the hell out of here first. We’re surrounded by a giant crowd of thousands of angry peasants who look like they want to kill us. I think we need to de-escalate this situation rather than escalate it further.
Joffrey: CLEGANE!!! Go down and cut through the crowd! Start randomly killing people left and right with your sword!
Hound: Cool. That sounds sensible.
Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s exactly the OPPOSITE of de-escalating!
Crowd: BOOO! BOOO! WE WANT BREAD!
The angry crowd starts attacking them.
Tyrion: Oh SHIT, homeboys. We need to get out of here. FAST! Run for the keep everyone! RUN FOR THE KEEP!
And so their retinue begins to book it for the gates of the Red Keep. But the crowd is so thick, they get seperated
Joffrey and Tyrion make it to the Red Keep first, along with Cersei, Boros Blount and Meryn Trant.
Tyrion: What?! Where the hell did everyone go?
Joffrey: WHO CARES? SOLDIERS! I ORDER YOU TO START EXECUTING ALL THOSE PEASANTS NOW! I’LL HAVE ALL THEIR HEADS!
Tyrion then hobbles up and smacks the fuck out of Joff.
Tyrion: You stupid, fucking idiot!
Joffrey: They made fun of me and threw poo at me! That’s TREASON!
Tyrion: You set your dog on them and told him to kill them all. What did you EXPECT them to do? Where did the rest of our party go? You’ve probably doomed them all!
He looks around. Sansa is one of the ones missing.
Tyrion: Do you know what happens if we lose Sansa? She’s an important bargaining tool for our war with the Starks. If she’s dead—
Cersei: Boros, Meryn… go back into the crowd and find the Stark girl!
Boros: Nah.
Meryn: Yeah, fuck that. They’re going to kill us.
Tyrion: If Sansa is killed… Jaime is as good as dead. You’ll fucking do it or WE’LL KILL YOU.
Boros: You wanna bet, you little dwarf shit? Why I ought to—
--As Boros acts like he’s going to smack Tyrion, the gates burst open and The Hound charges in, holding Sansa in his hands.
Tyrion: *whew* We dodged a bullet there! Not that I know what bullets are, as this society is pre-firearms. I guess everything is good now. I mean, you know. Other than all those other members of our party who are missing like Aron Santagar, Preston Greenfield, and Lollys Stokeworth. Which is I guess why those characters were mentioned earlier.
Tower Guard: Oh, Flea Bottom is also on fire.
Tyrion: Oh. Well then I guess everything ISN’T GOOD now. You know where Flea Bottom is directly north of? The Alchemists’ Guild.
Cersei: Who cares about the Alchemist’s Guild?
Tyrion: Uhmm… everyone should care. Remember? They’re currently in the middle of producing tons and tons and tons of Wildfire in preparation for our war with Stannis. Remember what Wildfire is? That unquenchable chemical that burns and burns and burns… nothing is able to put it out.
Bronn: Except for sand.
Tyrion: Yes. Except for sand, apparently. The whole of Kings Landing would blow up if we set that off.
Cersei: You mean if we collected a WHOLE BUNCH of Wildfire in one place and set it on fire… the WHOLE CITY would blow up?
Tyrion: Yes.
Cersei: The WHOLE CITY? Would completely BLOW UP?
Tyrion: Yes. It would blow up faster than a Russian woman who turns 40.
Cersei’s eyes start twitching and she smiles.
Tyrion: Why is that making you smile, Cersei?
Cersei: What? Huh? Oh… nothing. Nothing. Yes. We better put out the fire.
Tyrion: Bronn and Hound, take charge and make sure to do whatever you can to make sure the city doesn’t explode. Meryn and Boros - I need you guys to take the Kingsguard out to ensure that a city-wide curfew is enforced. Everyone stays in tonight.
Meryn: Forget that, I’m not doing it.
Cersei: YOU WILL DO AS MY BROTHER COMMANDS, SHIT FACE!
Meryn: Oh SHIT! You’re taking his side? I just assumed if I was defiant and argued with Tyrion that you’d take my side because you two hate each other.
Meryn and Boros meekly walk away, to do as ordered by Cersei and Tyrion.
Tyrion: *whispering* And Shagga and Randy Savage, you go make sure Shae is okay.
Macho Man: OOOOH YEAH! I WILL MAKE SURE YOUR SECRET MISTRESS, SHAE THE PROSTITUTE THAT YOUR FATHER EXPLICITLY STATED THAT YOU WERE NOT TO BRING HERE, IS OKAY!
Tyrion: Damnit Macho Man, she’s supposed to be a secret. Shop shouting about her.
Later that evening, the fire has been contained and the city has not blown up.
Cersei: Damnit!
Tyrion: What?
Cersei: Oh, nothing.
Tyrion: So, what’s the damage?
Ser Jacelyn Bywater: Well, the High Septon, Aron Santagar, and Preston Greenfield have been brutally murdered.
Tyrion: Ah! Cool. Santagar was the Master at Arms. I don’t even think he’s been mentioned as existing ever since Cat Stark wanted to see him in Book 1. And Preston Greenfield? Talk about a meaningless, unimportant character. Why, he’s even less important than you, Jacelyn.
Jacelyn: HEY!
Tyrion: Sorry.
Jacelyn: But yeah, Preston Greenfield got MESSED up. We were looking all over for him. Looking for that White Cape that all us Kingsguard guys wear. We probably passed his dead body like six times before we figured out that his corpse was actually his. That white cape? Not so white anymore. Totally soaked in his blood. He was TORN APART. Butchered like cattle.
Tyrion: Oh wait… there was one other minor character that got mentioned… wasn’t there? Oh right! Lollys Stokeworth! What happened to her?
Jacelyn: Oh yeah, we found her too. Alive.
Tyrion: Great!
Jacelyn: Alive and gang raped by 50 men.
Tyrion: Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?! Oh my god! This book series is just TERRIBLE to women!
Jacelyn: Well, the book serious is sort of inspired by history. So really, history is terrible to women.
Tyrion: True. This city is about to explode. And I don’t mean via wildfire. I mean figuratively. I’m not sure if the Gold Cloaks can keep the peace.
Jacelyn: Look, I’m going to break down some truth for you, Tyrion. The smallfolk didn’t really like the Lannisters BEFORE today. After today? Well, now there is active and open talk of treason in the streets. And most of it is directed to you.
Tyrion: WHAT?! To me? What did I do?!
Jacelyn: Oh, don’t get me wrong. Everyone hates Joffrey. But they blame you more than him. They say that you’re an evil, twisted, dwarf puppet master that controls him. It’s because you’re a dwarf that they hate you.
Tyrion: Awesome. So everyone assumes I’m the villain because my physical appearance? GREAT! Even though I’m the person most looking out for the smallfolk and doing everything I can to save their asses. Ugh. Podrick!
Pod: Yeah, I’m here, Tyrion! I’m a much less important character in the books than the show though.
Tyrion: Go fetch Bronn and Varys.
Pod: Sure!
And that’s the extent of Podrick Payne’s character development so far. No huge penis or anything.
Bronn: Whattup?
Tyrion: Shit is falling apart, man. I wish it was Tommen that was king instead of Joffrey. This is all that shithead’s fault for being such a little punk bitch.
Bronn: *sharpens knife* Okay, sure. I can kill Joffrey.
Tyrion: WHAT?! NO! That’s not what I said!
Bronn: What? WHAT?! I was just reading between the lines.
Tyrion: I think you led a little too much.
Varys: I’m in this room too, but I don’t really do anything in this scene other than to say “take heart,” which then turns into a pun about asking WHOSE heart?
Bronn: Joffrey’s. Obviously.
No comments:
Post a Comment