Yeah, this one is split in two. It's a long one.
Having previously (and unsuccessfully) tried her luck getting help from these other worthless shits in Qarth, Dany decides it's now time to turn to the warlocks of the House of the Undying.
Dany: Oh wow, this House of the Undying looks like a pile of shit. You know what is dying? Their roof and siding. What part of Qarth did I just wander into? This looks like one of those internet articles that's just a dozen pictures of abandoned buildings of Detroit.
Drogon: *HISSS*
Dany: I agree, Drogon. I agree.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Don't go, my beautiful lady! XXD can give you all you want. You need not rely on the tricks of these Warlocks!
Jorah: I agree, Dany. This doesn't seem safe at all.
Jhogo: Jhogo also agrees, Khaleesi. Do not go in.
Aggo: It is known.
Dany: Wow, you guys are a bunch of pussies.
Creepy-ass Pyat Pree then appears, as he's wont to do.
Pyat Pree: Come now, Daenerys! Come to the abode of the warlocks. But remember these rules three! First, you must enter alone. None of your friends may come with you. Second, when you are presented with a choice of doors, you must always take the first one to your right. Third, where there are stairs, you must always climb up and never climb down. Fourth, shall see many things through the other doors, but you must NEVER enter any room until you get to the audience chamber.
Dany: That's four rules. You said "rules three."
Pyat Pree: Yes. Well. "Rules Three" has a more poetic sound to it.
Dany: Fine then. I'm just going to blatantly ignore one of your four rules then if you said three but have four. I'll ignore the one about needing to come alone. I'll bring Drogon with me.
Pyat Pree: Fine, cool. In fact, even better because we're probably trying to steal your magical dragons anyway.
Dany: What?
Pyat Pree: What?
Dany: You just said--
Pyat Pree: --OH WAIT! I forgot! Fifth rule! There is totally a fifth rule. Before entering, you must also drink this gallon jug of liquid PCP to prepare you for the truths within.
A dwarf walks up and hands her a jug. It says "shade of the evening."
Dany: Drinking a gallon of PCP sounds like a bad idea, but rules are rules and I guess I must obey them. Except for that coming alone one. Because Drogon is coming with me.
She downs the PCP.
Pyat Pree: Yes, yes. Of course. As you say.
Pree steps aside and lets Dany walk through the door to enter the House of the Undying.
Dany steps in and follows Pree's instructions. Always take the first door to the right. Always go up stairs, not down stairs. She does it again and again. As she goes through, she starts to hear crazy sounds coming from the other doors to the left. Some of the doors are open.
Dany: Well, he said I can't GO INTO other doors. Not that I couldn't peak inside and have a look!
So she opens a door and looks.
Dany: HOLY SHIT! This PCP is some strong stuff. I am losing my mind? Am I crazy or am I seeing a beautiful, nude woman, laid out on the floor with four little dwarfs wearing Eyes Wide Shut rat masks who are gang-banging her while one eats her breast?
Drogon:*Squawk* [Translation: No, I'm seeing that shit too and I didn't take any PCP. Mommy, this place is scary.]
Dany: Maybe this is just the drugs speaking, but I'm going to interpret the woman as being "Westeros" and the four rats as being Tywin, Stannis, Joffrey and Balon Greyjoy fighting over her. Because they don't really care about Westeros. They all just want power. Okay... moving on...
Next, Dany sees a vision of piles and piles of murdered bodies at a feast, covered in blood and with missing limbs. Above them all is a dead king with a wolf's head, sitting on a throne.
Dany: Okay, well that one is obviously the Red Wedding. Easy! NEXT!
Next she sees her old friend, Willem Darry.
Dany: Oh HEY! It's Willem Darry, the master-at-arms for my dad and the guy who trained my brother, Rhaegar, how to become a knight. He's also the one that helped smuggle me out of Dragonstone to safety in Braavos after Robert's Rebellion. For the first five years of my life he was practically a father figure and looked after me. Until he got sick and died. But now you're back!
Dany: Okay, I guess I can trust y---HEY! Wait a minute! This isn't the first door to the right! This door is on the left! Are you some type of PCP vision trying to trick me?
Dany: Hahaha, nice try. But I'm not falling for it!
Dany moves on.
The next room has an old man with long silver hair, sitting on a barbed throne in a great hall with dragon skulls. He says, "Let him be the king of ashes!"
Dany: My dad, King Aerys II. Another easy one.
She heads to the next room and sees someone who looks like Viserys.
Dany: What?! Viserys?! No... no... wait... that's not you. It looks like you, but it's not. You have his hair, but you look... well... different. Your eyes are darker, and--
Before she can continue, the man in her vision cuts her off. But the man isn't talking to her. He's talking to another woman. A beautiful woman, nursing a baby.
But it's too late. The vision is over. Dany must continue on her way. She enters the door to the right and goes up a flight of stairs. But on this next floor, the hallway is long. Super long. So long she can't see the end of it. She walks and walks and walks. The hallway starts to get darker. Yet there is never a single door to the right. A bunch of doors to the left. But no right.
Dany: What the hell? It's getting so dark! I'm about to not be able to see anything and all. And there is NO DOOR. AGH! I'm getting so scared.
Finally, she reaches the end of the hall. There were zero doors to the right.
Dany: The light is about to go out now. What the hell do I do? AGHH!
She turns around and looks. She's about to lose sight of everything forever, and, I dunno. Probably, like, die or something.
Dany: Wait a minute... if I turn around at the end of the hall... then the first door on the right is... the last door on the left!!!
She jumps in that last door, just in time. Now she's safe and shit. Or something. I dunno. She's on a lot of PCP, honestly. Who can tell?
Pyat Pree: Good job, Dany! You made it!
Dany: Oh wow, how did you get in here?
Pyat Pree: That doesn't matter. Just follow me now.
Pree walks into a door. A door on the left.
Dany: That's not the right though. I'm supposed to go right. You're going left. What about the rules?
Dany: WAIT! You're slightly blockquoted now. Just like my visions! You're not real! You're just another PCP fantasy! You're trying to trick me!
Dany: Brutal. Well. I'll keep going. This is starting to get fun. It's a lot better than in the TV show.
Having previously (and unsuccessfully) tried her luck getting help from these other worthless shits in Qarth, Dany decides it's now time to turn to the warlocks of the House of the Undying.
Dany: Oh wow, this House of the Undying looks like a pile of shit. You know what is dying? Their roof and siding. What part of Qarth did I just wander into? This looks like one of those internet articles that's just a dozen pictures of abandoned buildings of Detroit.
Drogon: *HISSS*
Dany: I agree, Drogon. I agree.
Xaro Xhoan Daxos: Don't go, my beautiful lady! XXD can give you all you want. You need not rely on the tricks of these Warlocks!
Jorah: I agree, Dany. This doesn't seem safe at all.
Jhogo: Jhogo also agrees, Khaleesi. Do not go in.
Aggo: It is known.
Dany: Wow, you guys are a bunch of pussies.
Creepy-ass Pyat Pree then appears, as he's wont to do.
Pyat Pree: Come now, Daenerys! Come to the abode of the warlocks. But remember these rules three! First, you must enter alone. None of your friends may come with you. Second, when you are presented with a choice of doors, you must always take the first one to your right. Third, where there are stairs, you must always climb up and never climb down. Fourth, shall see many things through the other doors, but you must NEVER enter any room until you get to the audience chamber.
Dany: That's four rules. You said "rules three."
Pyat Pree: Yes. Well. "Rules Three" has a more poetic sound to it.
Dany: Fine then. I'm just going to blatantly ignore one of your four rules then if you said three but have four. I'll ignore the one about needing to come alone. I'll bring Drogon with me.
Pyat Pree: Fine, cool. In fact, even better because we're probably trying to steal your magical dragons anyway.
Dany: What?
Pyat Pree: What?
Dany: You just said--
Pyat Pree: --OH WAIT! I forgot! Fifth rule! There is totally a fifth rule. Before entering, you must also drink this gallon jug of liquid PCP to prepare you for the truths within.
A dwarf walks up and hands her a jug. It says "shade of the evening."
Dany: Drinking a gallon of PCP sounds like a bad idea, but rules are rules and I guess I must obey them. Except for that coming alone one. Because Drogon is coming with me.
She downs the PCP.
Pyat Pree: Yes, yes. Of course. As you say.
Pree steps aside and lets Dany walk through the door to enter the House of the Undying.
Dany steps in and follows Pree's instructions. Always take the first door to the right. Always go up stairs, not down stairs. She does it again and again. As she goes through, she starts to hear crazy sounds coming from the other doors to the left. Some of the doors are open.
Dany: Well, he said I can't GO INTO other doors. Not that I couldn't peak inside and have a look!
So she opens a door and looks.
Dany: HOLY SHIT! This PCP is some strong stuff. I am losing my mind? Am I crazy or am I seeing a beautiful, nude woman, laid out on the floor with four little dwarfs wearing Eyes Wide Shut rat masks who are gang-banging her while one eats her breast?
Drogon:*Squawk* [Translation: No, I'm seeing that shit too and I didn't take any PCP. Mommy, this place is scary.]
Dany: Maybe this is just the drugs speaking, but I'm going to interpret the woman as being "Westeros" and the four rats as being Tywin, Stannis, Joffrey and Balon Greyjoy fighting over her. Because they don't really care about Westeros. They all just want power. Okay... moving on...
Next, Dany sees a vision of piles and piles of murdered bodies at a feast, covered in blood and with missing limbs. Above them all is a dead king with a wolf's head, sitting on a throne.
Dany: Okay, well that one is obviously the Red Wedding. Easy! NEXT!
Next she sees her old friend, Willem Darry.
Dany: Oh HEY! It's Willem Darry, the master-at-arms for my dad and the guy who trained my brother, Rhaegar, how to become a knight. He's also the one that helped smuggle me out of Dragonstone to safety in Braavos after Robert's Rebellion. For the first five years of my life he was practically a father figure and looked after me. Until he got sick and died. But now you're back!
Willem: Come! Come in this room, Dany!
Dany: Okay, I guess I can trust y---HEY! Wait a minute! This isn't the first door to the right! This door is on the left! Are you some type of PCP vision trying to trick me?
Willem: Uhh... no. Look at this door! It's the red door to the house in Braavos that you grew up in. Remember those great memories? COME ON IN!
Dany: Hahaha, nice try. But I'm not falling for it!
Dany moves on.
The next room has an old man with long silver hair, sitting on a barbed throne in a great hall with dragon skulls. He says, "Let him be the king of ashes!"
Dany: My dad, King Aerys II. Another easy one.
She heads to the next room and sees someone who looks like Viserys.
Dany: What?! Viserys?! No... no... wait... that's not you. It looks like you, but it's not. You have his hair, but you look... well... different. Your eyes are darker, and--
Before she can continue, the man in her vision cuts her off. But the man isn't talking to her. He's talking to another woman. A beautiful woman, nursing a baby.
Prince Rhaegar Targaryen: Aegon. Yes, "Aegon." What better name for a king could there be?
Elia Martel: Will you make a cute little jingle for him, dear husband?
Rhaegar: Oh, you! For he already has a jingle. He is the prince that was promised, and his is the Jingle of Icy Hot.
Shaquille O'Neal: The heat is on! The pain is gone! Buy Ice Hot! Icy to dull the pain. Hot to relax it away.Dany: WHOA. THIS SEEMS REALLY IMPORTANT. READERS, PLEASE TAKE NOTE OF THIS.
Shaq and Rhaegar then suddenly merge into one.
Shaqga: But the prophesy says that the Dragon has three heads. There must be ONE MORE!
Shaqgar turns and looks straight into Dany's eyes as he says that.Dany: WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! Super crazy! Was he just looking straight at me and talking to me? Because it seemed like he was! Although from where I'm standing and where the vision of Elia Martel is... he could have just been coincidentally looking through me and at his wife, Elia. Are you talking about me, Shaq/Rhaegar? Please. Give me some sort of sign or additional information! I can't stand this vague/cryptic/indeterminate beating around the bush!
Shaqgar: Also, R+L=J. And Icy Hot Heat Therapy™ = up to 8 hours of relief.
Shaqgar vanishes.Dany: No! Come back! I wish that vision would have lasted longer. What the hell does R+L=J mean? Is this algebra? I HATE algebra! There are already an infinite amount of numbers as it is. Why did we have to start adding even MORE numbers that are letters into math? Am I supposed to solve for R? Solve for J? I came here to be Queen of Westeros, not a Mathlete.
But it's too late. The vision is over. Dany must continue on her way. She enters the door to the right and goes up a flight of stairs. But on this next floor, the hallway is long. Super long. So long she can't see the end of it. She walks and walks and walks. The hallway starts to get darker. Yet there is never a single door to the right. A bunch of doors to the left. But no right.
Dany: What the hell? It's getting so dark! I'm about to not be able to see anything and all. And there is NO DOOR. AGH! I'm getting so scared.
Finally, she reaches the end of the hall. There were zero doors to the right.
Dany: The light is about to go out now. What the hell do I do? AGHH!
She turns around and looks. She's about to lose sight of everything forever, and, I dunno. Probably, like, die or something.
Dany: Wait a minute... if I turn around at the end of the hall... then the first door on the right is... the last door on the left!!!
She jumps in that last door, just in time. Now she's safe and shit. Or something. I dunno. She's on a lot of PCP, honestly. Who can tell?
Pyat Pree: Good job, Dany! You made it!
Dany: Oh wow, how did you get in here?
Pyat Pree: That doesn't matter. Just follow me now.
Pree walks into a door. A door on the left.
Dany: That's not the right though. I'm supposed to go right. You're going left. What about the rules?
Pyat Pree: Forget those rules. Follow me!
Dany: WAIT! You're slightly blockquoted now. Just like my visions! You're not real! You're just another PCP fantasy! You're trying to trick me!
Pyat Pree: NOOO!Dany doesn't follow him. She goes into the door to the right. Pyat Pree crumbles into pieces and turns to dust.
Dany: Brutal. Well. I'll keep going. This is starting to get fun. It's a lot better than in the TV show.
To Be Continued.
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