ACoK 44: Tyrion X

Remember when Tyrion started blackmailing Lancel? Yeah, good stuff. And it’s finally paying off!

Lancel: So, I’ve learned from Cersei that she plans to hide Tommen at Rosby under the care of Lord Gyles, disguised as a page.

Tyrion: Well, with that angry mob almost killing Joffrey and Sansa and everyone, that’s probably a good idea. Wait… is she trying to hide Tommen from the angry mob… or from me?

Lancel: A little bit of column A. A little bit from column B.

Tyrion: Hrm. How am I just learning about this from you? Varys is supposed to be a master spy. Why haven’t I heard this shit from him yet? Or maybe he DOES know about it and simply hasn’t told me. I can’t trust that asshole.

Later that night, Tyrion meets up with Bronn.

Tyrion: Sup?

Bronn: Sup?

Tyrion: I have a letter you need to take to Ser Jacelyn Bywater. Command him to take 50 men and capture Lord Gyles’s party. You are to expel the garrison and keep Tommen safe at Rosby.  I do not wish for Rosby or any of his men to be hurt. You know, not in front of Tommen at least.  Tell Bywater if he does this… then he will earn himself a Lordship!

Bronn: Pfft, you’re giving Lordships away now? Hell, I’ll do the job for a Lordship. I don’t need 50 men either.

Tyrion: Like I’m falling for that shit. You’re a mercenary. Bywater’s men will defend Tommen. You’re just as likely to sell Tommen to our enemies when any battle starts to go against us.

Bronn: I can’t even deny that with a straight face. That's a FANTASTIC idea.

Tyrion: And geez… my dick is so hard! I need Shae right now.

So Tyrion starts to head towards Chataya’s brothel. You know how it goes by now. He pretends to be seeking Chataya’s hot daughter but really he goes through a secret passage. Etc. Etc. It seems like a whole lot of work just to see a hooker.
Tyrion: Good point. Forget this crap. I’m just going to go straight to Shae without even going through this subterfuge.

Tyrion looks over both of his shoulders to see if anyone seems to be following him.  It doesn’t appear so, but then again he’s like 3 feet tall. So he probably can’t see much.  He heads straight for Shae’s mansion, AKA the fuckhouse.
He arrives and finds Shae with another man.

Tyrion: DAFUQ?

Shae: Oh, it’s not what you think. This is just Symon Silver Tongue.

Tyrion: Do you think him being named “Symon Silver Tongue” is going to make me feel any better? THAT MAKES ME FEEL WORSE!

Shae: Why?

Tyrion: That’s clearly an allusion to how good he is at cunnilingus!

Shae: No! He’s just a really good singer.

Tyrion: Uh huh. Suuuuure.

Symon: No, it’s true, M’Lord Hand!

Tyrion: OH GREAT! He recognizes me! He knows I’m Tyrion Lannister, the Hand of the King!

Symon: Obviously.  I mean how many other dwarves are around this city?

Tyrion: You know, Shae, the whole reason I have you out here is so that you’re NOT associated with me. But now he knows that you know me and he knows where you live. I should probably have him killed.

Symon: PLEASE! NO! I SWEAR, I WON’T TELL ANYONE!

Tyrion: Are you sure? You sound like the type of minor character that will stick around for another book to try to foolishly blackmail me.

Symon: No! I would never!

Tyrion: Well okay then. NOW GET OUT OF HERE! I SAID GIT!

Symon runs away.

Tyrion: Finally. We can start with the banging!

And so they fuck. Look, we don’t need to get into specifics with that. Afterwards, there is a knock at the door.

Jehovah’s Witness: Hello, would you like to know about our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ?

Tyrion: AGH! Damnit! Go away.

Shae: That’s not a real Jehovah’s Witness. That’s Varys.

Varys: Haha, yep! It’s me again! Lovable Varys!

Tyrion: RIGHT! RIGHT! I keep forgetting that you’re a master of disguise in these books. How were you able to recognize him, Shae?

Shae: Oh we whores have a special talent. When a visitor comes to us… we must look at the man. Not at the man’s garb. That’s how we stay alive.

Tyrion: Wait, so are you trying to say that every whore in Westeros is, like, a master detective or something?

Shae: Pretty much.

Tyrion:  If I told you that the Robert Arryn’s last words were, “Robert. The Seed is Strong,” and that the last book he checked out from the library was about genealogy… what conclusion would you come to?

Shae: Probably that Jon Arryn suspected that Joffrey was not King Robert’s legitimate heir due to him lacking a deep, physical resemblance. So Jon probably wanted to research any records of Baratheon-Lannister marriages in the past to see if the children’s hair color was noted in the books.

Tyrion: WOW! Whores ARE master detectives. It took Eddard Stark an entire book to figure that out and by then it was too late for him.

Varys: So are we going to continue this scene or what?

Tyrion: Oh right. Why are you here, Varys?

Varys: To tell you that Ser Cortnay Penrose is dead and that Storm’s End has fallen to Stannis.

Tyrion: WHAT?! Well, this is sudden. I needed more time to prepare Kings Landing for an attack. I was hoping that Penrose would keep Stannis occupied until my father could finish with that Stark kid and then head down to face him.  Go down to the stables and wait for me, Varys! I’ll come with you shortly.

Varys: Okay. See you in a second.

Varys leaves, giving us the opportunity for another intimate, loving scene between Shae and Tyrion.

Shae: Look, I’m tired of living out here. You need to take me to the Red Keep and make me your lady in waiting.

Tyrion: No, that’s a terrible idea. My father expressly forbid it. And if my sister learned about you, she’d probably fuck with you too.  Although it is dangerous in the streets out here these days with the masses getting pitchforks. Maybe you should come to the Red Keep. But you can’t be my lady. I could set you up with a job in the kitchen though.

Shae: That’s a terrible idea. I’m an awful cook. I’d poison you. Or is this some sort of kinky fetish you have? You wanna suck gravy off my tits or something?

Tyrion: Uhm, well now that you mention that… yes… I would like to do that. However, you wouldn’t be a cook. The kingdom has plenty of cooks. You’d probably just be the pot washing girl.

Shae: Pot washing girl?! FORGET THAT! That’s what my father had me do. You know, before he started violently molesting me.

Tyrion: Yikes. Well, that explains the psychological trauma that led you to becoming a whore master detective.

Shae: You need to quit being a scared little bitch, Tyrion! You need to man up and give a middle finger to your father and sister. Stop acting like a fucking pussy!

Tyrion: Haha, you ARE what YOU EAT.

Tyrion then slaps the shit out of Shae.

Tyrion: Uhhhmm… I guess I shouldn’t have done that. So how about instead of apologizing, I tell you a long, drawn out story about how I lost my virginity to a girl that I thought was in love with me… but really was just a whore that my father and brother had paid to pop my cherry. And that was before my dad made me watch a gang of Lannister soldiers run a train on her to conclude the “valuable life lesson.”

Shae: I’m not sure how a story about a whore master detective being gangbanged is supposed to make me feel better.

Tyrion: Whatever, I’m out and I already regret telling that to you.

Tyrion leaves and rejoins Varys. He tells him his plan about keeping Shae in the kitchen.

Varys: The kitchen? No. That’s a terrible idea. In the kitchen Shae will be an object of both curiosity and lust. Maybe instead she should become Lady Tanda Stokeworth’s maid.  I know Lady Tanda’s current maid is a thief. We could have her fired and have Shae replace her. Nobody would bat an eye. And then Shae would get everything she wants. She could be a lady at court who gets to dress up like a proper lady, and not as some kitchen wench in rags.

Tyrion: THIS IS A FANTASTIC IDEA, VARYS! Geez! Why did I dismiss you from earlier in the scene? You should have been around to tell this idea to Shae. Then I wouldn’t have had to resort to domestic violence.

Varys: I mean she’s just a whore master detective, so it’s not really domestic violence.

Tyrion: Hey now, don’t ruin the illusion in my head that she loves me for who I am. Anyway, it will still be hard to see her if she’s with Lady Tanda. How will she get to my rooms?

Varys: Probably through the secret passage that leads right into your room.

Tyrion: WHAT?! THERE IS A SECRET PASSAGE THAT LEADS TO MY ROOM? How am I just learning about this now? Why have you not told me before? Does it go to the Conservatory? The Lounge? The Study? The Kitchen? If it leads to the Kitchen, wouldn’t it be a better idea to have Shae in the Kitchen like I suggested?

Varys: To answer your questions in order: Yes. Because I didn’t have a reason to tell you. Because I didn’t have a reason to tell you. No. No. No. No. And it doesn’t, so it’s a moot point.

Tyrion: Wait… why did I come down here to talk to you again?

Varys: I don’t know. I assume to ask me more about how Penrose died.

Tyrion: That sounds as reasonable as any other reason I can think of. How did Penrose die?

Varys: They say he threw himself from a window.

Tyrion: *cough*BULLSHIT*cough*

Varys: Agreed.

Tyrion: Yeah, he was assassinated for sure. So, you have your spy network. How did it REALLY happen?

Varys: My little birds can’t be everywhere, Tyrion.  But I have heard a theory. Tell me, do you believe in magic?

Tyrion: I just kicked one singer out of here. Don’t you start up singing that Lovin’ Spoonfull shit at me.

Varys: Both Renly and Penrose died mysteriously. They say old magic was used.

Tyrion: I don’t believe in that stuff. Surely you’re too smart to believe in that yourself, Varys.

Varys: Oh, well since you’re explaining your entire childhood traumas to Shae, I might as well explain mine to you.  As a young boy I had my genitals cut off by a magician in front of me and put on a grill.

Tyrion: The Japanese are really obsessed with their Kushiyaki.

Varys: Not only did he cook my junk in front of me, but this magician chanted some sort of magical incantation. And do you know what happened after that? A voice answered back.

Tyrion: No. You’re shitting me!

Varys: Was it a god? Some conjurer’s trick? I don’t know, and I know ALL the tricks. All I can say for a certainty is that this magician called out to a god… and some voice answered. From that day, I have hated all magicians.

Tyrion: So was this Chriss Angel or David Blane? Because I assume it has to be one of those two.

Varys: If Stannis is practicing dark magic, then I wish to see him dead.

Tyrion: Look, man. I’m sorry about all that happening to you. But I don’t believe in magic and so I can’t vouch for that. Stannis probably just hired a really skilled assassin.  So what other news you got for me? Any word from Littlefinger or my father?

Varys: No. Nothing from Lord Tywin, and for all I know, Baelish has completely vanished.

Tyrion: Hahahaha!

Varys: What? I don’t get wat’s funny about that.

Tyrion: Kings Landing is about to be FUCKED! Without lube, too. Jaime can’t help them because he’s a prisoner. My father can’t help them because he’s trapped fighting Stark. Littlefinger has vanished and therefore can’t get the Knight of Flowers to help them. Robert and Renly and Rhaegar can’t help them because they’re all dead. So you know who the only person left that CAN help them is? ME! That’s right… ME! Tyrion Lannister. The one they call an evil, twisted monkey, and laugh at because I’m a dwarf. The one they HATE.  I am the only person who stands between them and total chaos.

Varys: Honestly, we should probably just let them all die.

Tyrion: True, but then this book series would be much shorter.