Cat and her entourage ride, nearing Riverrun. As she approaches and identifies herself, she sees Martyn Rivers, a bastard son of Lord Walder Frey.
Cat: Geez, I never thought I'd be happy to see a Frey!
Perwyn Frey: Hey! I'm right here and I've been traveling with you for several weeks. You know, I thought our friendship meant something to you, Cat.
Cat: So how is the war going, Martyn? We haven't been getting a lot of news lately, on account of us running for our lives to flee all of Renly's forces.
Martyn: Ah, well let me drop some plot updates on you then. Your son Robb has been kicking ass and taking names. He won a great victory at the Battle of Oxcross, and his men killed Ser Stafford Lannister. They say that his wolf, Grey Wind, sniffed out some awesome deer trail through the woods that was big enough for the Northern armies to sneak through to get the advantage on the Lannisters. After they won the battle, they say Robb fed Stafford's heart to Grey Wind.
Cat: Gross. My son isn't a caveman named "Oog." How do these crazy stories even get started?
Martyn: Anyway, since then he's been pillaging the Lannister lands. Sort of an awesome type of revenge for how the Lannisters pillages our lands here.
Cat: Oh, sweet. This is all fantastic to hear about.
Martyn: Well, it's not all good news, m'lady. Apparently Tywin Lannister has had enough of all this shit and he's finally left Harrenhal. We believe he's marching towards Riverrun and he could be here in about 3 or 4 days.
Cat: Oh shit! That's not good at all. We need to get back to Riverrun, ASAP!
And so they book it towards Riverrun. Still, it's a bit away and they make camp for the night.
As everyone goes to sleep, Cat catches Brienne trying to sneak away.
Cat: What are you doing?
Brienne: Leaving.
Cat: And going where? Are you just trying to head back to exactly where you fled from?
Brienne: Yes! I must kill Stannis Baratheon for killing my dear Renly.
Cat: Girl, you must be as dumb as you are ugly. I had you running away from that direction for a reason. You're going to get yourself killed.
Brienne: I MUST KILL STANNIS! With Renly dead, it's my life's only purpose now.
Cat: What if I give you a new purpose? What if you serve me instead?
Brienne: Okay.
Cat: Damn. That was a lot easier than I thought. Girl, you will flip allegiances on the turn of a dime.
And so they continue on to Riverrun the next day. It looks like the bannermen have all been recalled, ready to hold their ground and face Tywin's attack here. As they come up to the draw bridge to enter, they see a lot of dead Lannister men hanging from the city walls.
Cat: SHIT. What has my brother Edmure been up to? Executing Lannister hostages? I hope Jaime isn't one of them. If that dumb-shit brother of mine killed Jamie, then my daughters in Kings Landing are as good as dead too.
She enters, and rushes up to find her brother.
Edmure: Well, I'm glad to see your alive.
Cat: Yeah, did you hear about that crazy shit that happened down where I was at... with Renly dying and everything?
Edmure: Yes, I heard. I almost didn't believe it, but now you've confirmed that to be true. We also got messages from Storm's End, where Courtney Penrose has offered allegiance to whoever helps him escape Stanni's siege along with Robert Baratheon's bastard son, Edric Storm.
Cat: Wow, what would Stannis want with Robert's bastard?
Edmure: *shrugs* Doesn't matter. We're soon to be under siege here by Lord Tywin. We couldn't help them if we wanted.
Cat: Oh, and by the way... meet this new stray I picked up while I was down by Storm's End. Her name is Brienne of Tarth. She used to be Renly's Rainbow Guard. You know, when Renly was alive.
Edmure: Yo.
Brienne: Whattup?
Edmure: So what's with all these rumors I hear? Some are saying YOU helped kill Renly.
Brienne: RENLY WAS KILLED BY THE SHADOW OF STANNIS BARATHEON!
Edmure: You know you sound like a crazy person when you say that, right?
Brienne: Kind of.
Edmure: And you witnessed this yourself?
Brienne: Not really actually. It's Cat who saw it and told me. I sort of just believe her.
Edmure: Sister - is this true?
Cat: It's what I saw, Edmure. And I wasn't dropping acid either. Stannis killed Renly with some sort of black magic shit. He's hanging out with this red witch now.
Edmure: Crazy.
Cat: So who are these dead Lannisters on the wall?
Edmure: Oh, so check this out. Remember how we sent Ser Cleos Frey to Kings Landing to deliver our terms for peace? Well, he came back with a counter-offer from the Imp. Of course the terms were absolute shit that we couldn't agree to. But he also came back with this supposed elite A-Team of guys in disguise as regular Lannister soldiers. These were, like, mummers from the East or something with specialized Oceans 11 bank heist skills. Only their heist this time was Jamie Lannister. They killed some of our guards and broke Jaime free. They almost got away with it too. But my men finally captured them and killed them all. So those are the guys you see hanging on the wall.
Cat: And Jaime himself?
Edmure: Don't worry, sis. We kept him alive. I'm not that dumb. I know what kind of a big bargaining chip he is. He's down in the dungeon, along with Cleos Frey. Cleos claims to have had no knowledge about the plot to free Jaime. I don't know though. These fucking Freys, man. You can't trust them.
Perwyn: Hey!
Cat: Sounds like this plot is more the work of the Imp than Cleos. I'd bet anything on it. I saw the way he played my sister like a fiddle out in the Vale.
Edmure: Speaking of Freys, now that you're back--Robb has orders for you to go to the Twins and meet with Lord Walder to help him pick out his new wife.
Cat: Nah. I'm not doing that. That boy can pick out his own damn poontang. Our father is dying and I'm going to stay here with him. How is he doing? Let's take this to another room.
And so they go to talk in private.
Edmure: Father is pretty much unchanged. Very sick. Never leaves bed. Catatonic, most of the time.
Cat: Nah, but what I REALLY wanted to talk to you about in private is this army of Tywin that is approaching. I don't think you're competent enough to take on Tywin on his own.
Edmure: Damn, bitch. Way to be supportive of your brother. Look, I've got this. I've been involved in several battles already.
Cat: Yeah, battles that you LOST.
Edmure: We've got a PLAN, Cat. A really good plan. We're well defended here, and I've had Roose Bolton's army team up with the remaining troops of ours that we had garrisoned at the Twins. He's going to use those men to re-take Harrenhal from the Lannisters. That will leave Lord Tywin trapped and surrounded by us - with nowhere to retreat.
Cat: I mean that SOUNDS like a good idea... but those men we had at the Twins were there to ensure the loyalty of the Freys. You know we can't trust them.
Edmure: Please, Cat. You were just traveling with Perwyn Frey and he thinks you're his new best friend. We have two Frey kids up in Winterfell that are "guests of honor," but Walder knows they will immediately become hostages if they do anything shitty. We have a marriage alliance between Robb and the Freys. And even Roose Bolton just married one of those Frey girls.
Cat: Oh really? Shit, I have been gone for a while. I didn't know about that Bolton thing.
Edmure: Trust me, Cat. These Freys are 100% on our side.
Cat: 100%?
Edmure: Well. 99%, surely.
Cat: If you say so. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go visit dad.
Cat takes leave of her brother and heads up to Lord Hoster Tully's solar, where she finds her father in bed.
Cat: So pops... not dead yet, huh?
Hoster: Oh, my dear daughter! It's you!
Cat: Yes.
Hoster: You must marry Jon Arryn, Lysa! You must. I know you don't love him and that he's like 40 years older than you, but it's your duty! I don't care if you love that wretched stripling boy!
Cat: Oh shit! My dad has lost his mind and he's confusing me with my sister, Lysa. Also, it looks like he's flashed back in time and he thinks it's the past and that Lysa hasn't married Jon Arryn yet. But who is this "wretched stripling boy" that dad is talking about? Was Lysa hooking up with some kid back in the day that I didn't know about? Wow. I wonder who that could be.
Littlefinger.
Cat: Hey now, Narrator. You can't just burst in and say that it was Littlefinger. I mean you have no definitive proof of that. I remember she always had a thing for musicians. Maybe it was some musician.
No. Hoster Tully is definitely referring to Peter Baelish.
Maester Vyman: Lady Catelyn, your father is nearing his end and must not be bothered more for now. You must send for your Uncle the Blackfish and your sister to visit him in his dying hours.
Cat: Wow, sad. But I know Lysa won't come. Not even for this.
Cat leaves and heads to her room. After all this travel and drama, she needs to finally sleep in a feather bed tonight. But when she arrives, she sees a bunch of Sisters of the Faith of the Seven standing by her door.
Utherydes Wayn, Steward of Riverrun: Cat, these Sisters have come from King's Landing with Cleos Frey. They bring you the bones of your husband.
Cat: Wow, cryptic. Maybe instead of sleeping in a comfortable feather bed tonight, I should just lock myself in a room with my husband's bones and stare at them, crying.
And that's exactly what Cat decides to do.
Cat: Hey. That's not his sword!
Utherydes: No, that was not returned. Just his bones.
Cat: Creepy. He looks nothing like himself anymore. I don't see any of Ned in this.
Utherydes: Well, I mean it is bones, so why would you? That's not how bones work.
Cat: Anyway, I guess we can be happy for Queen Cersei for sending at least these.
Utherydes: You should thank the Imp, it was apparently he who arranged it.
Cat: Oh, one day I plan on "thanking" them all. I SAID, SARCASTICALLY.
Utheryde: Yes, because you want to kill them. I got it.
Cat: Now leave me be to cry over these bones! After, I want them sent on to Winterfell to lay in the crypt where Ned belongs.
Cat: Geez, I never thought I'd be happy to see a Frey!
Perwyn Frey: Hey! I'm right here and I've been traveling with you for several weeks. You know, I thought our friendship meant something to you, Cat.
Cat: So how is the war going, Martyn? We haven't been getting a lot of news lately, on account of us running for our lives to flee all of Renly's forces.
Martyn: Ah, well let me drop some plot updates on you then. Your son Robb has been kicking ass and taking names. He won a great victory at the Battle of Oxcross, and his men killed Ser Stafford Lannister. They say that his wolf, Grey Wind, sniffed out some awesome deer trail through the woods that was big enough for the Northern armies to sneak through to get the advantage on the Lannisters. After they won the battle, they say Robb fed Stafford's heart to Grey Wind.
Cat: Gross. My son isn't a caveman named "Oog." How do these crazy stories even get started?
Martyn: Anyway, since then he's been pillaging the Lannister lands. Sort of an awesome type of revenge for how the Lannisters pillages our lands here.
Cat: Oh, sweet. This is all fantastic to hear about.
Martyn: Well, it's not all good news, m'lady. Apparently Tywin Lannister has had enough of all this shit and he's finally left Harrenhal. We believe he's marching towards Riverrun and he could be here in about 3 or 4 days.
Cat: Oh shit! That's not good at all. We need to get back to Riverrun, ASAP!
And so they book it towards Riverrun. Still, it's a bit away and they make camp for the night.
As everyone goes to sleep, Cat catches Brienne trying to sneak away.
Cat: What are you doing?
Brienne: Leaving.
Cat: And going where? Are you just trying to head back to exactly where you fled from?
Brienne: Yes! I must kill Stannis Baratheon for killing my dear Renly.
Cat: Girl, you must be as dumb as you are ugly. I had you running away from that direction for a reason. You're going to get yourself killed.
Brienne: I MUST KILL STANNIS! With Renly dead, it's my life's only purpose now.
Cat: What if I give you a new purpose? What if you serve me instead?
Brienne: Okay.
Cat: Damn. That was a lot easier than I thought. Girl, you will flip allegiances on the turn of a dime.
And so they continue on to Riverrun the next day. It looks like the bannermen have all been recalled, ready to hold their ground and face Tywin's attack here. As they come up to the draw bridge to enter, they see a lot of dead Lannister men hanging from the city walls.
Cat: SHIT. What has my brother Edmure been up to? Executing Lannister hostages? I hope Jaime isn't one of them. If that dumb-shit brother of mine killed Jamie, then my daughters in Kings Landing are as good as dead too.
She enters, and rushes up to find her brother.
Edmure: Well, I'm glad to see your alive.
Cat: Yeah, did you hear about that crazy shit that happened down where I was at... with Renly dying and everything?
Edmure: Yes, I heard. I almost didn't believe it, but now you've confirmed that to be true. We also got messages from Storm's End, where Courtney Penrose has offered allegiance to whoever helps him escape Stanni's siege along with Robert Baratheon's bastard son, Edric Storm.
Cat: Wow, what would Stannis want with Robert's bastard?
Edmure: *shrugs* Doesn't matter. We're soon to be under siege here by Lord Tywin. We couldn't help them if we wanted.
Cat: Oh, and by the way... meet this new stray I picked up while I was down by Storm's End. Her name is Brienne of Tarth. She used to be Renly's Rainbow Guard. You know, when Renly was alive.
Edmure: Yo.
Brienne: Whattup?
Edmure: So what's with all these rumors I hear? Some are saying YOU helped kill Renly.
Brienne: RENLY WAS KILLED BY THE SHADOW OF STANNIS BARATHEON!
Edmure: You know you sound like a crazy person when you say that, right?
Brienne: Kind of.
Edmure: And you witnessed this yourself?
Brienne: Not really actually. It's Cat who saw it and told me. I sort of just believe her.
Edmure: Sister - is this true?
Cat: It's what I saw, Edmure. And I wasn't dropping acid either. Stannis killed Renly with some sort of black magic shit. He's hanging out with this red witch now.
Edmure: Crazy.
Cat: So who are these dead Lannisters on the wall?
Edmure: Oh, so check this out. Remember how we sent Ser Cleos Frey to Kings Landing to deliver our terms for peace? Well, he came back with a counter-offer from the Imp. Of course the terms were absolute shit that we couldn't agree to. But he also came back with this supposed elite A-Team of guys in disguise as regular Lannister soldiers. These were, like, mummers from the East or something with specialized Oceans 11 bank heist skills. Only their heist this time was Jamie Lannister. They killed some of our guards and broke Jaime free. They almost got away with it too. But my men finally captured them and killed them all. So those are the guys you see hanging on the wall.
Cat: And Jaime himself?
Edmure: Don't worry, sis. We kept him alive. I'm not that dumb. I know what kind of a big bargaining chip he is. He's down in the dungeon, along with Cleos Frey. Cleos claims to have had no knowledge about the plot to free Jaime. I don't know though. These fucking Freys, man. You can't trust them.
Perwyn: Hey!
Cat: Sounds like this plot is more the work of the Imp than Cleos. I'd bet anything on it. I saw the way he played my sister like a fiddle out in the Vale.
Edmure: Speaking of Freys, now that you're back--Robb has orders for you to go to the Twins and meet with Lord Walder to help him pick out his new wife.
Cat: Nah. I'm not doing that. That boy can pick out his own damn poontang. Our father is dying and I'm going to stay here with him. How is he doing? Let's take this to another room.
And so they go to talk in private.
Edmure: Father is pretty much unchanged. Very sick. Never leaves bed. Catatonic, most of the time.
Cat: Nah, but what I REALLY wanted to talk to you about in private is this army of Tywin that is approaching. I don't think you're competent enough to take on Tywin on his own.
Edmure: Damn, bitch. Way to be supportive of your brother. Look, I've got this. I've been involved in several battles already.
Cat: Yeah, battles that you LOST.
Edmure: We've got a PLAN, Cat. A really good plan. We're well defended here, and I've had Roose Bolton's army team up with the remaining troops of ours that we had garrisoned at the Twins. He's going to use those men to re-take Harrenhal from the Lannisters. That will leave Lord Tywin trapped and surrounded by us - with nowhere to retreat.
Cat: I mean that SOUNDS like a good idea... but those men we had at the Twins were there to ensure the loyalty of the Freys. You know we can't trust them.
Edmure: Please, Cat. You were just traveling with Perwyn Frey and he thinks you're his new best friend. We have two Frey kids up in Winterfell that are "guests of honor," but Walder knows they will immediately become hostages if they do anything shitty. We have a marriage alliance between Robb and the Freys. And even Roose Bolton just married one of those Frey girls.
Cat: Oh really? Shit, I have been gone for a while. I didn't know about that Bolton thing.
Edmure: Trust me, Cat. These Freys are 100% on our side.
Cat: 100%?
Edmure: Well. 99%, surely.
Cat: If you say so. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go visit dad.
Cat takes leave of her brother and heads up to Lord Hoster Tully's solar, where she finds her father in bed.
Cat: So pops... not dead yet, huh?
Hoster: Oh, my dear daughter! It's you!
Cat: Yes.
Hoster: You must marry Jon Arryn, Lysa! You must. I know you don't love him and that he's like 40 years older than you, but it's your duty! I don't care if you love that wretched stripling boy!
Cat: Oh shit! My dad has lost his mind and he's confusing me with my sister, Lysa. Also, it looks like he's flashed back in time and he thinks it's the past and that Lysa hasn't married Jon Arryn yet. But who is this "wretched stripling boy" that dad is talking about? Was Lysa hooking up with some kid back in the day that I didn't know about? Wow. I wonder who that could be.
Littlefinger.
Cat: Hey now, Narrator. You can't just burst in and say that it was Littlefinger. I mean you have no definitive proof of that. I remember she always had a thing for musicians. Maybe it was some musician.
No. Hoster Tully is definitely referring to Peter Baelish.
Maester Vyman: Lady Catelyn, your father is nearing his end and must not be bothered more for now. You must send for your Uncle the Blackfish and your sister to visit him in his dying hours.
Cat: Wow, sad. But I know Lysa won't come. Not even for this.
Cat leaves and heads to her room. After all this travel and drama, she needs to finally sleep in a feather bed tonight. But when she arrives, she sees a bunch of Sisters of the Faith of the Seven standing by her door.
Utherydes Wayn, Steward of Riverrun: Cat, these Sisters have come from King's Landing with Cleos Frey. They bring you the bones of your husband.
Cat: Wow, cryptic. Maybe instead of sleeping in a comfortable feather bed tonight, I should just lock myself in a room with my husband's bones and stare at them, crying.
And that's exactly what Cat decides to do.
Cat: Hey. That's not his sword!
Utherydes: No, that was not returned. Just his bones.
Cat: Creepy. He looks nothing like himself anymore. I don't see any of Ned in this.
Utherydes: Well, I mean it is bones, so why would you? That's not how bones work.
Cat: Anyway, I guess we can be happy for Queen Cersei for sending at least these.
Utherydes: You should thank the Imp, it was apparently he who arranged it.
Cat: Oh, one day I plan on "thanking" them all. I SAID, SARCASTICALLY.
Utheryde: Yes, because you want to kill them. I got it.
Cat: Now leave me be to cry over these bones! After, I want them sent on to Winterfell to lay in the crypt where Ned belongs.
No comments:
Post a Comment