Arya: Oh snap! Tywin Lannister is finally leaving Harrenhal tomorrow! And I didn't even get a chance to be his cup bearer.
Because that never happened in the books.
Arya: I bet with Tywin gone, everything will calm down and life will become much easier. We'll probably all be treated a lot better.
Weese: The fuck you will, Weasel! If anything, life is about to get much worse for you. The castle is still the same size as it used to be, and now with less people - that means the people remaining will need to do more work. Also, it's been about five minutes since I last beat you, so...
Weese beats her.
Arya: Fuck this guy. Fuck everyone here. I hope all these Lannister soldiers riding out get killed by my brother Robb.
Weese: Now girl, deliver my shit for me. Here is a message I need you to give to a knight who owes me money. Be on your way.
And so Arya runs off to deliver the message. Weese doesn't know that Arya can read, so he doesn't even think about the fact that Arya is checking out all the messages she delivers. She's been able to figure out a couple of things through Weese's notes, but nothing really big. It's mainly just mundane crap. Weese isn't an important enough guy to deliver important messages about troop movements, battles, or anything that interests Arya.
Sometimes she's even had to deliver messages to outside of Harrenhal. Arya thought about stealing a horse and running away. But she's scared. She knows that if she's caught that she'll be delivered to Vargo Hoat of the Bloody Mummers. And that guy is crazy.
Arya: Hey you. Here is a note from Weese.
She hands it to the knight.
Knight: Girl, I can't read.
Arya: It says you owe him money.
Knight: Hahaha, FUCK THAT!
The knight tries to hit her. But she pulls some of that Water Dancer mojo and dodges it. She also grabs his drinking horn from his belt, which has some silver on it.
Arya: YOINK!
Knight: HEY! Give that back!
But she doesn't. Arya returns to Weese.
Arya: Here you go, Weese. That knight said wasn't going to pay you. So I stole this from him because it has silver and looks like it might be worth something.
Weese: Oh, good work, Weasel! See, that's why I like you. You're so good to me. I promise never to beat you again. Also, I'm having a big-ass capon for dinner tonight. As a reward for you giving me this silver, I'll share it with you!
Arya: What the hell is capon?
Weese: It's a castrated, force-fed rooster.
Arya: That is such a weird and specific food item.
Next Arya wanders around, looking for Jaqen H'ghar. She figures its about time to ask him to kill another motherfucker for her.
Arya: Excuse me, have you seen Jaqen H'ghar? I'm worried he might be leaving soon with all those people heading out with Lord Tywin.
Random Guard: Who the hell is Jaqen H'ghar? You know, I'm not on a first-name basis with every character in this book series.
Arya: Oh, he's this guy who works for Ser Amory Lorch. His hair is half-white, half-red.
Random Guard: Oh, yeah. I've seen that dude. He'll be staying here then. Ser Lorch has been named Castellan of Harrenhal while Lord Tywin is away. The Mountain and a whole bunch of other people... they'll be leaving though. Anyone with Lorch stays.
Arya: Oh snap! I better hurry along then. If I want to ask for the Mountain to be murdered, I need to do that soon since he's leaving!
And so Arya continues on her quest for Jaqen H'ghar, but checks back in on her boss Weese to make sure she's not in trouble.
Weese: YO! New task for you, Weasel. I need you to deliver this new message to Lucan the Blacksmith. Ser Lyonel is leaving with Kevan Lannister tomorrow and needs a new sword (of omens).
Arya: Okie dokie.
Arya goes to the blacksmith shop to visit Lucan. Fortunately, the blacksmith shop is where Gendry works, so Arya has a chance to ogle him some more as he forges steel with his shirt off.
Arya: *drool*
Gendry: HEY! I see you there, Arya! We need to talk.
Arya: Uhh... what about? *tries to look innocent*
Gendry: Don't worry, it's not about you staring a hole into my abs. It's about Hot Pie. I ran into him the other day and he said that he heard you back at the town by the God's Eye. He heard you shout "For Winterfell!" as the battle happened.
Arya: So?
Gendry: Well, you could be giving away who you are by doing that. So I had to lie to Hot Pie and tell him he was crazy. I told him you said "Go to Hell!" instead of "For Winterfell!"
Arya: That's stupid as fuck. Why would I say that?
Gendry: BITCH, it's the best thing I could come up with on short notice. So anyway, if you run into Hot Pie and he asks you, tell him that's what you said.
Arya: Okay, sure. Whatever. Could I rub some oil on your chest now?
Gendry: NO!
Lucan: What do you want, girl? Stop bothering my smith.
Arya: Here is a letter from Weese. Lyonel's sword (of omens) has been broken and he needs it repaired (before battling Mum-Ra). Or some shit like that. He needs it by tomorrow.
Snarf: SNARF!
They then throw Snarf into the forge because he's annoying.
Lucan: Ugh. My steel is too good for a oaf like Lyonel, but whatever.
Lucan hands her a new longsword (of omens).
Arya then heads back to Weese to deliver the sword, but gets distracted along the way. At first she thinks about using her note from Weese to run away. Barely anyone here is literate, so she could just tell them the note says whatever and they'd believe her. But she figures it's too risky. Then she hears a bunch of soldiers talking about Robb Stark's victories. They say he has an army of giants from the North. As she listens to them gossip, the time gets away from her and--
Weese: --Ah, there you are, you stupid little shit!
Weese grabs the sword away from her and hits her.
Weese: I sent you, like, HOURS ago to get that sword. Be a little faster next time, you stupid idiot. God, you're just the worst.
Arya: DAFUQ? Earlier today you were thanking me for giving you the silver and promised to never hit me again. You also said you'd share your chicken dinner with me!
But Weese doesn't remember any of that shit because he's really fucking stupid.
Weese: New task. Go to Tuffleberry at the bar and tell him that he owes me six kegs of ale. Have his men deliver it to me at once.
So Arya storms off to find Tuffleberry. She hopes to run into Jaqen H'ghar along the way.
Arya: Oh, Weese is SO DEAD when I find Jaqen!
But instead of finding Jaqen, she finds Rorge, the asshole that was locked in the Night's Watch cart with Rorge.
Rorge: OH SHIT! Arry the little boy is now a girl! I want to rape and murder you even more now.
Arya: You remember that I saved your life, right?
Rorge: Yeah, thanks. As a reward for that, I'll rape you even HARDER.
Arya: Wow, you are just THE WORST and that's saying a lot in these books. Anyway, Jaqen H'ghar is my friend, you know that right? Maybe I should tell him that you just threatened me.
Rorge backs away. He's obviously scared of Jaqen.
Rorge: Uhh... I got no problem with you, miss. I'll be on my way.
Arya: Where is our mutual friend anyway?
Rorge: Taking a bath.
Arya: Great. I just got done eerily staring at Gendry while he was blacksmithing, so now I can go creep on Jaqen while he's in a bath.
She goes to do exactly that.
She tip toes into the men's locker room and...
Jaqen H'ghar: A girl wears shoes that are too squeaky to sneak up on a man. A man is not fooled.
Arya: Damn.
Coach: HEY YOU, GIRL! Get out of the men's locker room! We don't let little girls in here.
Jerry Sandusky: But little boys are okay, right?
Everyone then gets together to grab Jerry Sandusky and throw him into the forge to burn alive too, no matter which side of the War of the Five Kings that stand on. Everyone can agree on that.
Arya: Okay, that's enough random cameos of characters to kill off in a forge after one throw-away line. I'm here to whisper something in your ear, Jaqen.
She leans in close.
Arya: Weese.
Jaqen H'ghar: A'iiiiiight.
Arya then goes to deliver the message to Tuffleberry.
Tuffleberry: HELL NO. My men aren't bringing shit to Weese. If he wants his ale barrels, he can come and pick them up his goddamn self. Tell him to go fuck himself and that I fucked his mother in her eye socket and she liked it. Tell him those exact words, verbatim.
Arya goes back to Weese but does NOT tell him those exact words, verbatim. She knows Weese will take it out on her and beat her even more. Arya breaks it to him gently, and he doesn't even beat her at all.
At dinner that night, Arya starts to feel bad about ordering the killing of Weese.
Arya: Look, Weese isn't necessarily a good person. He's human shit. But there are a lot of people out there even worse than him. Why am I wasting my kills on him?
Arya stares at Weese as he eats the capon. Weese catches her looking and Arya thinks he has a gleam of recognition in his eye.
Arya: Oh yeah! I bet he feels really bad for how he treated me earlier, and he just remembered to share that chicken with me. Dinner time! Yum yum!
But Weese stands up with an angry face and walks over to her.
Weese: BITCH! How many times do I have to tell you to not stare at me when I eat? DAMNIT!
He smacks the shit out of her. She falls and her dress tears on a nail.
Weese: And you better mend that dress before you go to bed!
The next morning, she wakes up with a kick by Weese.
Weese: Wake the fuck up, girl. We all gotta get up and wave goodbye to Lord Tywin.
And so they get up and watch as Tywin's procession leaves, taking the important Lannister lords and soldiers with them, including the Mountain and Polliver. It's only then that Arya realizes...
Arya: SHIT! Why did I waste my kills on Weese and Chiswyck? Lord Tywin is the real monster here. He's their boss! I should have wished his name a long time ago. I need to find Jaqen H'ghar and tell him to replace "Weese" with "Tywin Lannister" before it's too late!
Arya runs through the crowd, knocking people over and looking for Jaqen. But instead she finds...
Crowd: Hahaha! Oh man! Look at this! It's Weese's pet dog eating Weese's neck out. This is CRAZY! He raised that dog since it was a pup. And yet somehow the dog went nutso and decided to sink its teeth into his throat. Easy come, easy go, I guess.
Arya: Shit.
Arya looks up and sees Jaqen H'ghar standing nearby. He nods at her and throws her the "peace" sign.
Jaqen H'ghar: No, dumbass. A man does not do the "peace" sign. A man holds up two fingers. A man is signalling that a girl has gotten two of her kills in. A narrator should know this.
Okay, I stand corrected.
Because that never happened in the books.
Arya: I bet with Tywin gone, everything will calm down and life will become much easier. We'll probably all be treated a lot better.
Weese: The fuck you will, Weasel! If anything, life is about to get much worse for you. The castle is still the same size as it used to be, and now with less people - that means the people remaining will need to do more work. Also, it's been about five minutes since I last beat you, so...
Weese beats her.
Arya: Fuck this guy. Fuck everyone here. I hope all these Lannister soldiers riding out get killed by my brother Robb.
Weese: Now girl, deliver my shit for me. Here is a message I need you to give to a knight who owes me money. Be on your way.
And so Arya runs off to deliver the message. Weese doesn't know that Arya can read, so he doesn't even think about the fact that Arya is checking out all the messages she delivers. She's been able to figure out a couple of things through Weese's notes, but nothing really big. It's mainly just mundane crap. Weese isn't an important enough guy to deliver important messages about troop movements, battles, or anything that interests Arya.
Sometimes she's even had to deliver messages to outside of Harrenhal. Arya thought about stealing a horse and running away. But she's scared. She knows that if she's caught that she'll be delivered to Vargo Hoat of the Bloody Mummers. And that guy is crazy.
Arya: Hey you. Here is a note from Weese.
She hands it to the knight.
Knight: Girl, I can't read.
Arya: It says you owe him money.
Knight: Hahaha, FUCK THAT!
The knight tries to hit her. But she pulls some of that Water Dancer mojo and dodges it. She also grabs his drinking horn from his belt, which has some silver on it.
Arya: YOINK!
Knight: HEY! Give that back!
But she doesn't. Arya returns to Weese.
Arya: Here you go, Weese. That knight said wasn't going to pay you. So I stole this from him because it has silver and looks like it might be worth something.
Weese: Oh, good work, Weasel! See, that's why I like you. You're so good to me. I promise never to beat you again. Also, I'm having a big-ass capon for dinner tonight. As a reward for you giving me this silver, I'll share it with you!
Arya: What the hell is capon?
Weese: It's a castrated, force-fed rooster.
Arya: That is such a weird and specific food item.
Next Arya wanders around, looking for Jaqen H'ghar. She figures its about time to ask him to kill another motherfucker for her.
Arya: Excuse me, have you seen Jaqen H'ghar? I'm worried he might be leaving soon with all those people heading out with Lord Tywin.
Random Guard: Who the hell is Jaqen H'ghar? You know, I'm not on a first-name basis with every character in this book series.
Arya: Oh, he's this guy who works for Ser Amory Lorch. His hair is half-white, half-red.
Random Guard: Oh, yeah. I've seen that dude. He'll be staying here then. Ser Lorch has been named Castellan of Harrenhal while Lord Tywin is away. The Mountain and a whole bunch of other people... they'll be leaving though. Anyone with Lorch stays.
Arya: Oh snap! I better hurry along then. If I want to ask for the Mountain to be murdered, I need to do that soon since he's leaving!
And so Arya continues on her quest for Jaqen H'ghar, but checks back in on her boss Weese to make sure she's not in trouble.
Weese: YO! New task for you, Weasel. I need you to deliver this new message to Lucan the Blacksmith. Ser Lyonel is leaving with Kevan Lannister tomorrow and needs a new sword (of omens).
Arya: Okie dokie.
Arya goes to the blacksmith shop to visit Lucan. Fortunately, the blacksmith shop is where Gendry works, so Arya has a chance to ogle him some more as he forges steel with his shirt off.
Arya: *drool*
Gendry: HEY! I see you there, Arya! We need to talk.
Arya: Uhh... what about? *tries to look innocent*
Gendry: Don't worry, it's not about you staring a hole into my abs. It's about Hot Pie. I ran into him the other day and he said that he heard you back at the town by the God's Eye. He heard you shout "For Winterfell!" as the battle happened.
Arya: So?
Gendry: Well, you could be giving away who you are by doing that. So I had to lie to Hot Pie and tell him he was crazy. I told him you said "Go to Hell!" instead of "For Winterfell!"
Arya: That's stupid as fuck. Why would I say that?
Gendry: BITCH, it's the best thing I could come up with on short notice. So anyway, if you run into Hot Pie and he asks you, tell him that's what you said.
Arya: Okay, sure. Whatever. Could I rub some oil on your chest now?
Gendry: NO!
Lucan: What do you want, girl? Stop bothering my smith.
Arya: Here is a letter from Weese. Lyonel's sword (of omens) has been broken and he needs it repaired (before battling Mum-Ra). Or some shit like that. He needs it by tomorrow.
Snarf: SNARF!
They then throw Snarf into the forge because he's annoying.
Lucan: Ugh. My steel is too good for a oaf like Lyonel, but whatever.
Lucan hands her a new longsword (of omens).
Arya then heads back to Weese to deliver the sword, but gets distracted along the way. At first she thinks about using her note from Weese to run away. Barely anyone here is literate, so she could just tell them the note says whatever and they'd believe her. But she figures it's too risky. Then she hears a bunch of soldiers talking about Robb Stark's victories. They say he has an army of giants from the North. As she listens to them gossip, the time gets away from her and--
Weese: --Ah, there you are, you stupid little shit!
Weese grabs the sword away from her and hits her.
Weese: I sent you, like, HOURS ago to get that sword. Be a little faster next time, you stupid idiot. God, you're just the worst.
Arya: DAFUQ? Earlier today you were thanking me for giving you the silver and promised to never hit me again. You also said you'd share your chicken dinner with me!
But Weese doesn't remember any of that shit because he's really fucking stupid.
Weese: New task. Go to Tuffleberry at the bar and tell him that he owes me six kegs of ale. Have his men deliver it to me at once.
So Arya storms off to find Tuffleberry. She hopes to run into Jaqen H'ghar along the way.
Arya: Oh, Weese is SO DEAD when I find Jaqen!
But instead of finding Jaqen, she finds Rorge, the asshole that was locked in the Night's Watch cart with Rorge.
Rorge: OH SHIT! Arry the little boy is now a girl! I want to rape and murder you even more now.
Arya: You remember that I saved your life, right?
Rorge: Yeah, thanks. As a reward for that, I'll rape you even HARDER.
Arya: Wow, you are just THE WORST and that's saying a lot in these books. Anyway, Jaqen H'ghar is my friend, you know that right? Maybe I should tell him that you just threatened me.
Rorge backs away. He's obviously scared of Jaqen.
Rorge: Uhh... I got no problem with you, miss. I'll be on my way.
Arya: Where is our mutual friend anyway?
Rorge: Taking a bath.
Arya: Great. I just got done eerily staring at Gendry while he was blacksmithing, so now I can go creep on Jaqen while he's in a bath.
She goes to do exactly that.
She tip toes into the men's locker room and...
Jaqen H'ghar: A girl wears shoes that are too squeaky to sneak up on a man. A man is not fooled.
Arya: Damn.
Coach: HEY YOU, GIRL! Get out of the men's locker room! We don't let little girls in here.
Jerry Sandusky: But little boys are okay, right?
Everyone then gets together to grab Jerry Sandusky and throw him into the forge to burn alive too, no matter which side of the War of the Five Kings that stand on. Everyone can agree on that.
Arya: Okay, that's enough random cameos of characters to kill off in a forge after one throw-away line. I'm here to whisper something in your ear, Jaqen.
She leans in close.
Arya: Weese.
Jaqen H'ghar: A'iiiiiight.
Arya then goes to deliver the message to Tuffleberry.
Tuffleberry: HELL NO. My men aren't bringing shit to Weese. If he wants his ale barrels, he can come and pick them up his goddamn self. Tell him to go fuck himself and that I fucked his mother in her eye socket and she liked it. Tell him those exact words, verbatim.
Arya goes back to Weese but does NOT tell him those exact words, verbatim. She knows Weese will take it out on her and beat her even more. Arya breaks it to him gently, and he doesn't even beat her at all.
At dinner that night, Arya starts to feel bad about ordering the killing of Weese.
Arya: Look, Weese isn't necessarily a good person. He's human shit. But there are a lot of people out there even worse than him. Why am I wasting my kills on him?
Arya stares at Weese as he eats the capon. Weese catches her looking and Arya thinks he has a gleam of recognition in his eye.
Arya: Oh yeah! I bet he feels really bad for how he treated me earlier, and he just remembered to share that chicken with me. Dinner time! Yum yum!
But Weese stands up with an angry face and walks over to her.
Weese: BITCH! How many times do I have to tell you to not stare at me when I eat? DAMNIT!
He smacks the shit out of her. She falls and her dress tears on a nail.
Weese: And you better mend that dress before you go to bed!
The next morning, she wakes up with a kick by Weese.
Weese: Wake the fuck up, girl. We all gotta get up and wave goodbye to Lord Tywin.
And so they get up and watch as Tywin's procession leaves, taking the important Lannister lords and soldiers with them, including the Mountain and Polliver. It's only then that Arya realizes...
Arya: SHIT! Why did I waste my kills on Weese and Chiswyck? Lord Tywin is the real monster here. He's their boss! I should have wished his name a long time ago. I need to find Jaqen H'ghar and tell him to replace "Weese" with "Tywin Lannister" before it's too late!
Arya runs through the crowd, knocking people over and looking for Jaqen. But instead she finds...
Crowd: Hahaha! Oh man! Look at this! It's Weese's pet dog eating Weese's neck out. This is CRAZY! He raised that dog since it was a pup. And yet somehow the dog went nutso and decided to sink its teeth into his throat. Easy come, easy go, I guess.
Arya: Shit.
Arya looks up and sees Jaqen H'ghar standing nearby. He nods at her and throws her the "peace" sign.
Jaqen H'ghar: No, dumbass. A man does not do the "peace" sign. A man holds up two fingers. A man is signalling that a girl has gotten two of her kills in. A narrator should know this.
Okay, I stand corrected.
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