Theon and his force of eight or so ships has just attacked the Stony Shore, a town on the west coast of the North. Nominally, the forces at the Stony Shore were supposed to be defending the North against attack. In practice, it's really just a fishing village and it was a pretty pathetic showing. The Northern defenders were worthless, and the forces of the Iron Isles fucked them up. Big time.
The leader of the defenses was Benfred Tallhart, a man that Theon knew and had actually visited as Ned Stark's hostage/adopted son. But now Benfred's men are all dead around him and he is held captive.
Benfred: Fuck you Theon, you fucking traitor cunt! *spits in Theon's face*
Theon: I mean, I guess I probably deserved that a little.
Uncle Aeron Greyjoy: Blasphemy! How dare he spit in your face! We must sacrifice him to the drowned god now!
Theon: Sure. Why not? I mean our executor is so shitty with his aim that he'd probably miss slicing his head off anyway. So throwing Benfred in the water is probably the more humane way to go.
And so they dunk Benfred into the ocean and hold him down, drowning him. His body goes stiff and they just push it out to sea.
Theon walks around the Stony Shore to inspect their victory. His men are running around like crazy. Stealing. Murdering. Raping. The Iron Isles way. His men cut the fingers off of the dead to steal their jewelry. That's "paying the iron price" for jewelry, as Theon remembers.
He then sees two of his men, drunk and fighting over plunder.
Theon: HEY! HEY! Knock it off there! No fighting!
But they keep fighting. Nobody gives a shit about Theon and nobody respects him.
Theon: Well fuck that then!
Theon grabs a bow and arrow and aims towards one of the fighting men's ale tankards.
Theon: Hahaha, I'll shoot this ale tankard right out of his hand! That will show him I'm the boss with my impressive skills at aiming. That will win them over to finally obey me!
But Theon has shit aim and instead shoots the guy right in his stomach.
Theon: Oh. Oh fuck.... uhhh.... uhhh.... I mean... I MEANT TO DO THAT! YES! I JUST KILLED THAT GUY! For fighting over plunder! Let that be a sign to you all that Theon is badass and will fuck you up if you fight each other!
Guy: Uhh... he's not actually dead.
Theon: WELL JUST SLICE HIS NECK AND GET IT OVER WITH.
And so they do that. Because less men to split the loot with means more loot for everyone. Iron Isles guys are kind of dicks like that.
Theon then goes on a long flashback, remembering how he got into the circumstance that brought him here and because GRRM continues to like doing in media res chapters that start in the middle and then go backwards. But fuck that, you don't need to read about a damn flashback. Let's move on... Theon wanders off and talks to Dagmer, the commander of one of his ships.
Dagmer: Hey man, how did the battle go?
Theon: Oh, pretty good. We kicked ass. Only lost one man and that man I killed myself totally on purpose because I'm badass. Not at all accidentally because I'm incompetent. If I have only one regret, it's that we didn't capture enough horses.
Dagmer: Horses? That's some land people shit there. We're sea people. We don't need horses.
Theon: How about instead of answering your question I just flatter you to get you on my side? After all, you are the greatest fighter in the history of the Iron Isles and my father sending you here with me to raid the coast is an insult to your greatness.
Dagmer: Go on, I'm listening and am indeed highly susceptible to flattery.
Theon: Well, just like how YOU are the greatest fighter, I also deserve to be leading the larger army that my sister is leading.
Dagmer: Your father trusts her because he knows her. He hasn't known you for, like, ten years.
Theon: But what was I doing those ten years away? I was showing how capable I was. When I was with Robb Stark's army, we had amazing victories. I was the MASTERMIND of the battle that captures the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister. People like you and me are too good for this raider shit we're doing now. We need to be taking castles like my sister is assigned to do. So I say we do that instead.
Dagmer: Nah man, I don't think your uncle Aeron is going to approve of that.
Theon: Aeron will have no choice but to go along with it if all the men agree we are to do it. And you can help me win them over because you're the best and everyone respects you.
Dagmer: Okay, so what exactly is your little proposal?
Theon: You and our best men ride down towards Torren's Square and lay siege to it.
Dagmer: That's crazy talk. Torren's Square is inpenetrable. I could never take it.
Theon: True. But the forces at Winterfell will then race south to help defend it. Which will leave Winterfell totally defenseless!
Dagmer: Ah, the ol' razzle-dazzle fakeout, huh? A classic.
The leader of the defenses was Benfred Tallhart, a man that Theon knew and had actually visited as Ned Stark's hostage/adopted son. But now Benfred's men are all dead around him and he is held captive.
Benfred: Fuck you Theon, you fucking traitor cunt! *spits in Theon's face*
Theon: I mean, I guess I probably deserved that a little.
Uncle Aeron Greyjoy: Blasphemy! How dare he spit in your face! We must sacrifice him to the drowned god now!
Theon: Sure. Why not? I mean our executor is so shitty with his aim that he'd probably miss slicing his head off anyway. So throwing Benfred in the water is probably the more humane way to go.
And so they dunk Benfred into the ocean and hold him down, drowning him. His body goes stiff and they just push it out to sea.
Theon walks around the Stony Shore to inspect their victory. His men are running around like crazy. Stealing. Murdering. Raping. The Iron Isles way. His men cut the fingers off of the dead to steal their jewelry. That's "paying the iron price" for jewelry, as Theon remembers.
He then sees two of his men, drunk and fighting over plunder.
Theon: HEY! HEY! Knock it off there! No fighting!
But they keep fighting. Nobody gives a shit about Theon and nobody respects him.
Theon: Well fuck that then!
Theon grabs a bow and arrow and aims towards one of the fighting men's ale tankards.
Theon: Hahaha, I'll shoot this ale tankard right out of his hand! That will show him I'm the boss with my impressive skills at aiming. That will win them over to finally obey me!
But Theon has shit aim and instead shoots the guy right in his stomach.
Theon: Oh. Oh fuck.... uhhh.... uhhh.... I mean... I MEANT TO DO THAT! YES! I JUST KILLED THAT GUY! For fighting over plunder! Let that be a sign to you all that Theon is badass and will fuck you up if you fight each other!
Guy: Uhh... he's not actually dead.
Theon: WELL JUST SLICE HIS NECK AND GET IT OVER WITH.
And so they do that. Because less men to split the loot with means more loot for everyone. Iron Isles guys are kind of dicks like that.
Theon then goes on a long flashback, remembering how he got into the circumstance that brought him here and because GRRM continues to like doing in media res chapters that start in the middle and then go backwards. But fuck that, you don't need to read about a damn flashback. Let's move on... Theon wanders off and talks to Dagmer, the commander of one of his ships.
Dagmer: Hey man, how did the battle go?
Theon: Oh, pretty good. We kicked ass. Only lost one man and that man I killed myself totally on purpose because I'm badass. Not at all accidentally because I'm incompetent. If I have only one regret, it's that we didn't capture enough horses.
Dagmer: Horses? That's some land people shit there. We're sea people. We don't need horses.
Theon: How about instead of answering your question I just flatter you to get you on my side? After all, you are the greatest fighter in the history of the Iron Isles and my father sending you here with me to raid the coast is an insult to your greatness.
Dagmer: Go on, I'm listening and am indeed highly susceptible to flattery.
Theon: Well, just like how YOU are the greatest fighter, I also deserve to be leading the larger army that my sister is leading.
Dagmer: Your father trusts her because he knows her. He hasn't known you for, like, ten years.
Theon: But what was I doing those ten years away? I was showing how capable I was. When I was with Robb Stark's army, we had amazing victories. I was the MASTERMIND of the battle that captures the Kingslayer, Jaime Lannister. People like you and me are too good for this raider shit we're doing now. We need to be taking castles like my sister is assigned to do. So I say we do that instead.
Dagmer: Nah man, I don't think your uncle Aeron is going to approve of that.
Theon: Aeron will have no choice but to go along with it if all the men agree we are to do it. And you can help me win them over because you're the best and everyone respects you.
Dagmer: Okay, so what exactly is your little proposal?
Theon: You and our best men ride down towards Torren's Square and lay siege to it.
Dagmer: That's crazy talk. Torren's Square is inpenetrable. I could never take it.
Theon: True. But the forces at Winterfell will then race south to help defend it. Which will leave Winterfell totally defenseless!
Dagmer: Ah, the ol' razzle-dazzle fakeout, huh? A classic.
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