Sansa has just been summoned by King Joffrey after Joff got word of Robb Stark's latest victory.
Sansa: I don't wanna!
The Hound: If you keep him waiting, it's just going to be even worse for you. He'll have you beaten even harder.
Sansa: I didn't have anything to with what Robb did! It's not my fault! He's the traitor, not me!
Hound: Wow, you're such a well-trained little bird to repeat what they tell you to repeat. You duplicitous cunt. You'll sell out your brother in half a second and I think that's petty as fuck. And coming from me, who wants to murder my own brother, that's saying something.
She'd led through the lower bailey and everyone stares at her. She passes by a cat with a crossbow bolt in it, dying slowly on the ground because Joffrey is a sick fuck. She also passes by Ser Dontos the Knight/Fool.
Dontos: Be brave, my little one!
Sansa: Oh wow, coming up and whispering to me in public in front of everyone. Very smooth. What a smart way to be secretive about our plot together, Dontos.
Finally they arrive and Sansa kneels before the king.
Joffrey: You must answer for your brother's treason!
Lancel: Yes! Your brother led an army full of wargs who used tricks and evil magic to defeat our far superior Lannister forces! That's the only thing that makes logical sense. Not that his army was better than ours. They attacked at night like cowards when our forces slept and then ate their corpses.
Sansa: That really doesn't sound very plausible.
Joffrey: I am going to beat the shit out of you as punishment for that!
Sansa: Please, no! I have done nothing to harm you.
Joffrey: Sure you have. Remember when your wolf ate my arm?
Sansa: That was Arya's wolf, not mine! My Lady was innocent and did nothing wrong. Yet you killed her anyway.
Joffrey: Uh, as I recall it was YOUR FATHER who killed Lady. But if you want to talk about me killing... that's cool. I want to kill you too, but my mother says not to, because then Robb will kill Uncle Jaime. So instead I will merely have you beaten. Hound... BEAT HER, NOW!
Hound: Nah.
Joffrey just stands there with a stupid look on his face.
Joffrey: DO IT!
Hound: Nope.
Things start to get super awkward. So Dontos runs into the middle and hits Sansa with a big, soft, inflatable party balloon, shaped like a mace. It doesn't hurt at all, but Sansa sees what Dontos is trying to do. He's trying to distract everyone so Sansa doesn't get the shit beaten out of her for real. It's working pretty well, because everyone is laughing at the fool's antics. Everyone except for Joffrey.
Joffrey: Nope. Not good enough. I want a REAL beating.
Meryn Trant pushes Dontos out of the way while Boros Blount punches Sansa in her stomach. Boros then pulls out a knife and starts to rub it against Sansa's thighs.
Hound: Enough of this shit, stop it.
Joffrey: NO! I'm the King! Don't listen to the Hound! Listen to me! Beat her!
And so Boros, who is obvioulsy a sick fuck, takes his knife and begins to cut Sansa's clothes off in front of everyone. Things are looking REALLY bad until...
Voice: --WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
Everyone turns around and looks.
Tyrion: What are you sick fucks doing to this poor girl? What sort of pussy-ass, punk bitch of a "knight" tortures an innocent girl?
Boros: I do as the King commands!
Tyrion: Oh really? Well, the King is a sick, twisted, mentally ill child and I am his HAND, who really rules until he comes of age. And OH LOOK, I'm also not alone.
Tyrion snaps his fingers and from behind emerge his sellswords and tribesmen.
Boros: I'm not scared of them.
Macho Man Randy Savage jumps off the top ropes and gives Ser Boros Blount an atomic elbow drop. It is so powerful that Boros dies right there. However, let's just go ahead and say that Boros has an identical twin, also named Boros, so that future chapters that include him can go on without continuity errors.
The Hound then takes off his cloak and wraps Sansa up so that she's no longer naked.
Joffrey: How dare you! I am the King and I can do as I like!
Tyrion: Yeah, some other kings said that as well. Like Aerys II. Do you know what happened to him?
Boros's Identical Twin, Boros: How dare you threaten the king! I will tell Cersei of this.
Tyrion: Oh, it's not a threat. It's a history lesson. I'm teaching my nephew. And what do you think, Joffrey? Do you need Boros to run and tell your mommy? Huh? Huh? In front of all these witnesses here are you going to cry to mommy and ask for her help? I thought you were a KING, not a bitch boy who cries for mommy to save him.
Thoroughly embarrassed, Joffrey does nothing.
Tyrion: If you keep being a little punk, your reign will be shorter than me. You can NOT threaten people and beat them to win their love.
Joffrey: Mother tells be it's better to be feared than loved. And Sansa FEARS me.
Tyrion: Oh wow... a twelve year old girl fears you. Good job. But Stannis and Renly Baratheon aren't twelve year old girls. They will fucking eat you alive. Ugh. I can't even look at your shitty ass anymore. Come on, let's get out of here. And bring Sansa.
So Tyrion and his crew roll out, taking Sansa with them back to the Tower of the Hand. Sansa is a little nervous, obviously. She hasn't been back to the Tower since it was her father's place. And can this Tyrion guy be trusted? He is a Lannister, after all. But Tyrion sees that Maester Frenken looks after Sansa and treats her wounds.
Despite all this kindness, Sansa still doesn't trust Tyrion because Tyrion is physically unattractive to her. And Sansa is a terrible, shallow human being who only likes people if she finds them attractive.
Sansa: HEY!
Sansa stays the night to recover. She tries to go to the godswood, but is told it's too late. When she wakes the next morning, she refuses breakfast because she thinks it's some trick. Then Tyrion shows up.
Tyrion: You know girl, you're my GUEST. Not my prisoner. Stop hating on me. Eat your stupid food.
Sansa: Is it true what they say? About my brother's army?
Tyrion: It's true that they won the battle, yes. All that warg and sorcery shit though? Nah. The Lannister armies are fucking incompetent. That was just an excuse they made up. But Robb Stark isn't my problem. He's my father's problem. My problem is this fucking asshole, Joffrey.
Sansa: Don't say that about him! He is my beloved husband-to-be and I love him with all my heart.
Tyrion: Jesus Christ, girl. You don't have to lie to me. I'm not a moron. By the way, you have your period yet?
Sansa: That was an odd follow-up question. But no, I have not.
Tyrion: Well, that's good I guess. And the follow-up question might have seemed odd, but what I was trying to get at is that there is NO WAY now that you and Joffrey will be married. I know what everyone is saying, but after everything that has happened... nope. Which is a shame, because it was actually one of King Robert's few good ideas.
Sansa: Are you trying to trick me into saying something? I... I... I just want to be loyal.
Tyrion: Yeah, loyal and FAAAAAAAAR away from any Lannisters. Am I right? Look, when I was your age I wanted the same thing.
Sansa still doesn't reply.
Tyrion: Hey, I notice you've been visiting the godswood a lot lately. What have you been praying for?
Sansa has been praying for Robb to win and for Joffrey to die. But she doesn't say that.
Sansa: For peace and an end to war.
Tyrion: Eh, whatever. We'll have an end to the war if your brother lays down his arms and goes home. I'd send you home too then. Look, I want to protect you, I really do. I'll have my Vale clansmen here protect you.
Macho Man: OOOH YEAAAAAH! Anyone who lays a hand on the Lovely Miss Sansa will have to face the Ma-cho Maaaayne!
Sansa: No thanks, those guys scare me.
Tyrion: I know. But they scare Joffrey too. That's the point.
Sansa: I want to leave! I don't like it here. This is where all of my father's men were murdered. I just want to go back to my own bedchamber.
Tyrion: Sure, sure. I get it. Okay, we'll send you back then.
Sansa: I don't wanna!
The Hound: If you keep him waiting, it's just going to be even worse for you. He'll have you beaten even harder.
Sansa: I didn't have anything to with what Robb did! It's not my fault! He's the traitor, not me!
Hound: Wow, you're such a well-trained little bird to repeat what they tell you to repeat. You duplicitous cunt. You'll sell out your brother in half a second and I think that's petty as fuck. And coming from me, who wants to murder my own brother, that's saying something.
She'd led through the lower bailey and everyone stares at her. She passes by a cat with a crossbow bolt in it, dying slowly on the ground because Joffrey is a sick fuck. She also passes by Ser Dontos the Knight/Fool.
Dontos: Be brave, my little one!
Sansa: Oh wow, coming up and whispering to me in public in front of everyone. Very smooth. What a smart way to be secretive about our plot together, Dontos.
Finally they arrive and Sansa kneels before the king.
Joffrey: You must answer for your brother's treason!
Lancel: Yes! Your brother led an army full of wargs who used tricks and evil magic to defeat our far superior Lannister forces! That's the only thing that makes logical sense. Not that his army was better than ours. They attacked at night like cowards when our forces slept and then ate their corpses.
Sansa: That really doesn't sound very plausible.
Joffrey: I am going to beat the shit out of you as punishment for that!
Sansa: Please, no! I have done nothing to harm you.
Joffrey: Sure you have. Remember when your wolf ate my arm?
Sansa: That was Arya's wolf, not mine! My Lady was innocent and did nothing wrong. Yet you killed her anyway.
Joffrey: Uh, as I recall it was YOUR FATHER who killed Lady. But if you want to talk about me killing... that's cool. I want to kill you too, but my mother says not to, because then Robb will kill Uncle Jaime. So instead I will merely have you beaten. Hound... BEAT HER, NOW!
Hound: Nah.
Joffrey just stands there with a stupid look on his face.
Joffrey: DO IT!
Hound: Nope.
Things start to get super awkward. So Dontos runs into the middle and hits Sansa with a big, soft, inflatable party balloon, shaped like a mace. It doesn't hurt at all, but Sansa sees what Dontos is trying to do. He's trying to distract everyone so Sansa doesn't get the shit beaten out of her for real. It's working pretty well, because everyone is laughing at the fool's antics. Everyone except for Joffrey.
Joffrey: Nope. Not good enough. I want a REAL beating.
Meryn Trant pushes Dontos out of the way while Boros Blount punches Sansa in her stomach. Boros then pulls out a knife and starts to rub it against Sansa's thighs.
Hound: Enough of this shit, stop it.
Joffrey: NO! I'm the King! Don't listen to the Hound! Listen to me! Beat her!
And so Boros, who is obvioulsy a sick fuck, takes his knife and begins to cut Sansa's clothes off in front of everyone. Things are looking REALLY bad until...
Voice: --WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?
Everyone turns around and looks.
Tyrion: What are you sick fucks doing to this poor girl? What sort of pussy-ass, punk bitch of a "knight" tortures an innocent girl?
Boros: I do as the King commands!
Tyrion: Oh really? Well, the King is a sick, twisted, mentally ill child and I am his HAND, who really rules until he comes of age. And OH LOOK, I'm also not alone.
Tyrion snaps his fingers and from behind emerge his sellswords and tribesmen.
Boros: I'm not scared of them.
Macho Man Randy Savage jumps off the top ropes and gives Ser Boros Blount an atomic elbow drop. It is so powerful that Boros dies right there. However, let's just go ahead and say that Boros has an identical twin, also named Boros, so that future chapters that include him can go on without continuity errors.
The Hound then takes off his cloak and wraps Sansa up so that she's no longer naked.
Joffrey: How dare you! I am the King and I can do as I like!
Tyrion: Yeah, some other kings said that as well. Like Aerys II. Do you know what happened to him?
Boros's Identical Twin, Boros: How dare you threaten the king! I will tell Cersei of this.
Tyrion: Oh, it's not a threat. It's a history lesson. I'm teaching my nephew. And what do you think, Joffrey? Do you need Boros to run and tell your mommy? Huh? Huh? In front of all these witnesses here are you going to cry to mommy and ask for her help? I thought you were a KING, not a bitch boy who cries for mommy to save him.
Thoroughly embarrassed, Joffrey does nothing.
Tyrion: If you keep being a little punk, your reign will be shorter than me. You can NOT threaten people and beat them to win their love.
Joffrey: Mother tells be it's better to be feared than loved. And Sansa FEARS me.
Tyrion: Oh wow... a twelve year old girl fears you. Good job. But Stannis and Renly Baratheon aren't twelve year old girls. They will fucking eat you alive. Ugh. I can't even look at your shitty ass anymore. Come on, let's get out of here. And bring Sansa.
So Tyrion and his crew roll out, taking Sansa with them back to the Tower of the Hand. Sansa is a little nervous, obviously. She hasn't been back to the Tower since it was her father's place. And can this Tyrion guy be trusted? He is a Lannister, after all. But Tyrion sees that Maester Frenken looks after Sansa and treats her wounds.
Despite all this kindness, Sansa still doesn't trust Tyrion because Tyrion is physically unattractive to her. And Sansa is a terrible, shallow human being who only likes people if she finds them attractive.
Sansa: HEY!
Sansa stays the night to recover. She tries to go to the godswood, but is told it's too late. When she wakes the next morning, she refuses breakfast because she thinks it's some trick. Then Tyrion shows up.
Tyrion: You know girl, you're my GUEST. Not my prisoner. Stop hating on me. Eat your stupid food.
Sansa: Is it true what they say? About my brother's army?
Tyrion: It's true that they won the battle, yes. All that warg and sorcery shit though? Nah. The Lannister armies are fucking incompetent. That was just an excuse they made up. But Robb Stark isn't my problem. He's my father's problem. My problem is this fucking asshole, Joffrey.
Sansa: Don't say that about him! He is my beloved husband-to-be and I love him with all my heart.
Tyrion: Jesus Christ, girl. You don't have to lie to me. I'm not a moron. By the way, you have your period yet?
Sansa: That was an odd follow-up question. But no, I have not.
Tyrion: Well, that's good I guess. And the follow-up question might have seemed odd, but what I was trying to get at is that there is NO WAY now that you and Joffrey will be married. I know what everyone is saying, but after everything that has happened... nope. Which is a shame, because it was actually one of King Robert's few good ideas.
Sansa: Are you trying to trick me into saying something? I... I... I just want to be loyal.
Tyrion: Yeah, loyal and FAAAAAAAAR away from any Lannisters. Am I right? Look, when I was your age I wanted the same thing.
Sansa still doesn't reply.
Tyrion: Hey, I notice you've been visiting the godswood a lot lately. What have you been praying for?
Sansa has been praying for Robb to win and for Joffrey to die. But she doesn't say that.
Sansa: For peace and an end to war.
Tyrion: Eh, whatever. We'll have an end to the war if your brother lays down his arms and goes home. I'd send you home too then. Look, I want to protect you, I really do. I'll have my Vale clansmen here protect you.
Macho Man: OOOH YEAAAAAH! Anyone who lays a hand on the Lovely Miss Sansa will have to face the Ma-cho Maaaayne!
Sansa: No thanks, those guys scare me.
Tyrion: I know. But they scare Joffrey too. That's the point.
Sansa: I want to leave! I don't like it here. This is where all of my father's men were murdered. I just want to go back to my own bedchamber.
Tyrion: Sure, sure. I get it. Okay, we'll send you back then.
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