Life is hell for Arya Stark.
She’s a prisoner of Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane and his henchmen, (1) a torturer only known as “The Tickler,” (2) Raff the Sweetling, the dick pikeman who killed Lommy, and (3) Polliver, a bald dude who now has possession of Needle. There are others as well, but these are the ones you should worry about for now.
They’re still at the small little village where they were captured days ago. One by one, all the townspeople and every person who the Lannister soldiers have captured are being tortured and murdered. Once a day, they come in and select someone for an interrogation. Following the interrogation, they murder them. One girl in town even slept with a Lannister soldier to avoid being picked. She was picked the very next day. A mother told the soldiers everything she knew as part of a deal to not harm her daughter. They killed her daughter. These are some sick, sick fucks.
What are the questions about? Every day it’s the same shit. Where is Beric Dondarrion? How large is his posse? Where are the hidden valuables and food in the village?
Unfortunately, nobody here knows shit about Beric Dondarrion. They’re just innocent villagers. So they’re being murdered for no reason.
Everything has been taken away from Arya. Needle is gone. Her wooden sword was taken away and broken in front of her. Even her secret of being a girl is gone. She had to pee in front of everyone else, and now everyone knows.
Hot Pie: HOLY SHIT! YOU’VE GOT A VAGINA!
Arya: Took you long enough, dumbass. Well, now you know you got the shit kicked out of you by a girl.
Arya gets smashed in the lip for talking. She’s not allowed to talk. All things considered, she got off lucky. Another kid who wouldn’t stop whining for his father got his head smashed in with a mace. Then Raff the Sweeting killed his mother just because.
Arya realizes there is no reason to try to be brave. The people who tried to be brave all died… screaming.
The only person who really hasn’t gotten the shit beaten out of him is Gendry. They asked him where he got the awesome bull helm from. He told them he forged it himself. Blacksmiths are too valuable to murder, and so Gendry has been looked after.
The Mountain: Okay, listen up, you dicks. It looks like none of you know shit about shit. None of you have any intelligence we can use. So I guess, in hindsight, we were murdering you all really for no reason. Although I guess we did install a sense of fear and nihilism in you all. So that’s something, I suppose. We’re just going to march the rest of you to Harrenhal to be servants for Lord Tywin Lannister. There is only one rule, and that is “If you obey… you live.” Is that cool?
Random Townsperson: Wait… wouldn’t that one rule imply that there is a de-facto second rule, e.g. “If you don’t obey… you die”?
The Mountain kills that person in front of everyone and blood splatters everywhere.
The Mountain: I SAID “ONE RULE.”
And so they begin to march the prisoners, including Arya, to Harrenhal. They also take anything else of value from the town. Pigs. Chickens. Cows. Wagons. Bags of Swedish Fish. Some Ikea Hemnes 8-drawer dressers. One of those Farrah Fawcett pin-up posters. You know… the one where she’s in the red swimsuit.
They march and march. When they get bored at night, they rape a girl. One night, a girl fought back. Clegane beheaded her. Arya is happy that she doesn’t have Needle anymore. If she did, then she would have probably tried to use it in revenge and gotten killed herself.
Arya hates everyone here. She's starting to hate SO MANY PEOPLE that she needs to begin making a list.
Arya: I hate this Dunsen guy for wearing Gendry’s horned helmet. I hate Polliver for taking Needle. I hate Chiswyck for thinking he’s Mr. Funny Ha-Ha Joke Guy. I hate The Mountain for, you know, obvious reasons. I hate Raff the Sweetling for killing Lommy. I hate Amory Lorch for killing Yoren. And not only do I hate all the people around me here… I hate people everywhere else too. I hate Meryn Trant for killing Syrio. I hate the Hound for killing Mycah the Butcher’s Boy. I hate Ilyn Payne and Joffrey and Cersei for killing my father.
She doesn’t put the Tickler on her list though. Why not? Who knows.
Arya: I’m going to start whispering the names of these people before I go to bed every night. I will pray for their deaths.
They reach near Harrenhal, the famous castle. It’s mostly ruins from when Aegon the Conqueror’s dragons burned it to the ground. They say the stone is dark because the mortar was mixed with human blood. But instead of going there first, they stop by the large Lannister army. It’s been here for a while and the whole place smells like a giant toilet. Nasty.
Hot Pie: I don’t want to go in the castle! It’s haunted by g-g-g-ghosts!!!
Chiswyck: Either come in the castle like we say… or become one of the ghosts you’re afraid of. And by that, I mean I’ll murder you.
Hot Pie: Ah, when you put it like that…
They are all marched into the castle, separated from one another, and examined like chattel. Arya winds up with a bunch of kitchen ladies.
Harra: Look at all these blisters on your hand, you must be some type of farm girl that churned butter. You know, if you work hard here at Harrenhal, you’ll be treated well. If not, you’ll be beaten. What’s your name, girl?
Arya: Uh, just call me “Weasel” because of reasons.
Nobody calls Arya that, but let's just roll with it.
Amabel: You need to have your head shaved. It’s filled with lice. You can’t work in the kitchen with lice.
Arya: I’d rather work in the stables with the horses. You know, so I can steal one and run away.
Harra smacks the shit out of Arya.
Harra: Shut up with that shit! You’ll do as you’re told. Were you not listening to me?
Amabel: Lord Tywin already has squires that looks after his horses. He don’t need no girl. The kitchen will be great for you. It’s snug and clean and always warm. You can sleep there. But you know what? Since you’re so annoying, we’re going to give you to Weese.
Arya: Who the hell is Weese?
Amabel: You’ll see.
And so Arya sees. Weese is the under-steward in the Wailing Tower. He’s a short, fat man with boils all over his face. Arya and five others are assigned to him.
Weese: The Lannisters are generous to those who serve us. Although none of you scum deserve that honor. Still, Lord Tywin is generous. So here are the THREE rules. That's TWO MORE RULES than Clegane has, if you're keeping track. First… never look a noble in the eyes, second--only speak when spoken to, and last--4 never get in Lord Tywin’s way. If you try to defy me… I’ll know! I can smell defiance. And all I want to smell… is AXE body spray!
Someone whispers something in Weese's ear.
Weese: I'm being told that AXE body spray hasn't been invented yet. So now all I want to smell... IS FEAR!!!
And so life remains hell for Arya Stark. Full circle. Sorry, this isn't the funniest chapter in the world... but how can it be?
She’s a prisoner of Gregor “The Mountain” Clegane and his henchmen, (1) a torturer only known as “The Tickler,” (2) Raff the Sweetling, the dick pikeman who killed Lommy, and (3) Polliver, a bald dude who now has possession of Needle. There are others as well, but these are the ones you should worry about for now.
They’re still at the small little village where they were captured days ago. One by one, all the townspeople and every person who the Lannister soldiers have captured are being tortured and murdered. Once a day, they come in and select someone for an interrogation. Following the interrogation, they murder them. One girl in town even slept with a Lannister soldier to avoid being picked. She was picked the very next day. A mother told the soldiers everything she knew as part of a deal to not harm her daughter. They killed her daughter. These are some sick, sick fucks.
What are the questions about? Every day it’s the same shit. Where is Beric Dondarrion? How large is his posse? Where are the hidden valuables and food in the village?
Unfortunately, nobody here knows shit about Beric Dondarrion. They’re just innocent villagers. So they’re being murdered for no reason.
Everything has been taken away from Arya. Needle is gone. Her wooden sword was taken away and broken in front of her. Even her secret of being a girl is gone. She had to pee in front of everyone else, and now everyone knows.
Hot Pie: HOLY SHIT! YOU’VE GOT A VAGINA!
Arya: Took you long enough, dumbass. Well, now you know you got the shit kicked out of you by a girl.
Arya gets smashed in the lip for talking. She’s not allowed to talk. All things considered, she got off lucky. Another kid who wouldn’t stop whining for his father got his head smashed in with a mace. Then Raff the Sweeting killed his mother just because.
Arya realizes there is no reason to try to be brave. The people who tried to be brave all died… screaming.
The only person who really hasn’t gotten the shit beaten out of him is Gendry. They asked him where he got the awesome bull helm from. He told them he forged it himself. Blacksmiths are too valuable to murder, and so Gendry has been looked after.
The Mountain: Okay, listen up, you dicks. It looks like none of you know shit about shit. None of you have any intelligence we can use. So I guess, in hindsight, we were murdering you all really for no reason. Although I guess we did install a sense of fear and nihilism in you all. So that’s something, I suppose. We’re just going to march the rest of you to Harrenhal to be servants for Lord Tywin Lannister. There is only one rule, and that is “If you obey… you live.” Is that cool?
Random Townsperson: Wait… wouldn’t that one rule imply that there is a de-facto second rule, e.g. “If you don’t obey… you die”?
The Mountain kills that person in front of everyone and blood splatters everywhere.
The Mountain: I SAID “ONE RULE.”
And so they begin to march the prisoners, including Arya, to Harrenhal. They also take anything else of value from the town. Pigs. Chickens. Cows. Wagons. Bags of Swedish Fish. Some Ikea Hemnes 8-drawer dressers. One of those Farrah Fawcett pin-up posters. You know… the one where she’s in the red swimsuit.
They march and march. When they get bored at night, they rape a girl. One night, a girl fought back. Clegane beheaded her. Arya is happy that she doesn’t have Needle anymore. If she did, then she would have probably tried to use it in revenge and gotten killed herself.
Arya hates everyone here. She's starting to hate SO MANY PEOPLE that she needs to begin making a list.
Arya: I hate this Dunsen guy for wearing Gendry’s horned helmet. I hate Polliver for taking Needle. I hate Chiswyck for thinking he’s Mr. Funny Ha-Ha Joke Guy. I hate The Mountain for, you know, obvious reasons. I hate Raff the Sweetling for killing Lommy. I hate Amory Lorch for killing Yoren. And not only do I hate all the people around me here… I hate people everywhere else too. I hate Meryn Trant for killing Syrio. I hate the Hound for killing Mycah the Butcher’s Boy. I hate Ilyn Payne and Joffrey and Cersei for killing my father.
She doesn’t put the Tickler on her list though. Why not? Who knows.
Arya: I’m going to start whispering the names of these people before I go to bed every night. I will pray for their deaths.
They reach near Harrenhal, the famous castle. It’s mostly ruins from when Aegon the Conqueror’s dragons burned it to the ground. They say the stone is dark because the mortar was mixed with human blood. But instead of going there first, they stop by the large Lannister army. It’s been here for a while and the whole place smells like a giant toilet. Nasty.
Hot Pie: I don’t want to go in the castle! It’s haunted by g-g-g-ghosts!!!
Chiswyck: Either come in the castle like we say… or become one of the ghosts you’re afraid of. And by that, I mean I’ll murder you.
Hot Pie: Ah, when you put it like that…
They are all marched into the castle, separated from one another, and examined like chattel. Arya winds up with a bunch of kitchen ladies.
Harra: Look at all these blisters on your hand, you must be some type of farm girl that churned butter. You know, if you work hard here at Harrenhal, you’ll be treated well. If not, you’ll be beaten. What’s your name, girl?
Arya: Uh, just call me “Weasel” because of reasons.
Nobody calls Arya that, but let's just roll with it.
Amabel: You need to have your head shaved. It’s filled with lice. You can’t work in the kitchen with lice.
Arya: I’d rather work in the stables with the horses. You know, so I can steal one and run away.
Harra smacks the shit out of Arya.
Harra: Shut up with that shit! You’ll do as you’re told. Were you not listening to me?
Amabel: Lord Tywin already has squires that looks after his horses. He don’t need no girl. The kitchen will be great for you. It’s snug and clean and always warm. You can sleep there. But you know what? Since you’re so annoying, we’re going to give you to Weese.
Arya: Who the hell is Weese?
Amabel: You’ll see.
And so Arya sees. Weese is the under-steward in the Wailing Tower. He’s a short, fat man with boils all over his face. Arya and five others are assigned to him.
Weese: The Lannisters are generous to those who serve us. Although none of you scum deserve that honor. Still, Lord Tywin is generous. So here are the THREE rules. That's TWO MORE RULES than Clegane has, if you're keeping track. First… never look a noble in the eyes, second--only speak when spoken to, and last--4 never get in Lord Tywin’s way. If you try to defy me… I’ll know! I can smell defiance. And all I want to smell… is AXE body spray!
Someone whispers something in Weese's ear.
Weese: I'm being told that AXE body spray hasn't been invented yet. So now all I want to smell... IS FEAR!!!
And so life remains hell for Arya Stark. Full circle. Sorry, this isn't the funniest chapter in the world... but how can it be?
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